Page 2 | The Audacity of in-laws

saraclara · 27/07/2025 18:16

I got along well with my MIL, as she was a really warm and accepting person who enthusiastically welcomed me into the family from day 1. When DH and I had our children, the relationship blossomed even more. She was the perfect grandma, and loved us all without condition. I loved her dearly, as did all her grandchildren, and I miss her very much.

My own mum's response to me giving her the news of my first pregnancy was "oh". That level of interest continued for the next 35 years, until her death.

My MIL made me the mother and grandmother that I am today, and I'm enormously grateful to her.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 27/07/2025 18:05

Of course, over on the other side are the DILs who believe that the world should revolve around them when they have a baby, and that their children are the second coming and MIL should want to worship at their shrine at all times. Disinterested or overly busy MILs should be shot.

I love my DILs and we all get on, I should add. This is just an observation that I've noted from the behaviour of others.

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 17:59

Wimby · 27/07/2025 17:42

My MIL does this this where she announces her expectations and then acts enormously offended when we don’t do as she expects.

“Of course they’ll be getting married in the local church” She didn’t, we never suggested we would be.

”They’ll certainly be having a big housewarming party for the family” when we moved into our forever home - she didn’t, we didn’t and hadn’t ever said we would.

“They’d love to host you and have you to stay” to distant family we had no relationship with and didn’t like - nope.

“Of course they’d be happy to collect you from the airport” - to family friends we barely know, 7hr round trip - nope.

See above and repeat annually. We’ve told her to stop offering us up, she gets upset. She wants to show off and look good, and gets shitty with us when we don’t do as instructed.

Oh god, I feel for you. My MIL gave up her whole god damn career and took early retirement when I announced my pregnancy (without discussing anything with us) because of her expectations to watch our baby (we had not discussed childcare arrangements AT ALL) at this point and was miffed when she found out that actually , my father and a childcare setting would also be included in the picture :) She went back part time and told everyone that I would not allow her to have the baby!

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Wimby · 27/07/2025 17:42

My MIL does this this where she announces her expectations and then acts enormously offended when we don’t do as she expects.

“Of course they’ll be getting married in the local church” She didn’t, we never suggested we would be.

”They’ll certainly be having a big housewarming party for the family” when we moved into our forever home - she didn’t, we didn’t and hadn’t ever said we would.

“They’d love to host you and have you to stay” to distant family we had no relationship with and didn’t like - nope.

“Of course they’d be happy to collect you from the airport” - to family friends we barely know, 7hr round trip - nope.

See above and repeat annually. We’ve told her to stop offering us up, she gets upset. She wants to show off and look good, and gets shitty with us when we don’t do as instructed.

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 17:34

CurlewKate · 27/07/2025 17:10

Quite often, I think people use the tedious stereotype of MILs being awful to justify their efforts to detach their dps from their family of origin and only be interested in their “own little family” As if men shoul no longer have parents or siblings once they are in a relationship.

Thats an interesting viewpoint and one im not that familiar with, although I have seen some DIL’s like that, especially if they have their own strong family unit they would rather spend time with, however my experience is that DIL’s are usually the ones to keep the family dynamics going, remembering the birthdays, arranging the visits, organising the parties/dinners, buying the flowers/gifts, hosting the Christmas’s etc, only to be met with put downs, judgement’s, insults etc.

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PinkBobby · 27/07/2025 17:32

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 11:14

I have struggled alot with my in-laws, cant believe their sense of entitlement at times, cannot believe their childishness, cannot believe the way they go out of their way to deliberately ignore me as the mother of their grandchildren, the audacity of them at times is quite unbelievable. The thing I struggle to comprehend though, is, before I married DH and had his children, we got on well, his mother is a nice person, so AIBU to think that something somewhere in the relationship changes when a DIL becomes a DIL/mother? Do DIL become more sensitive where usually things would just wash over them? Or do MIL’s become more ruthless/rude/ wanting to maintain their place as top woman? Just thought it would be an interesting topic, also if you have rude in-laws, I feel you! 😅

I found it much easier before kids, to be honest. I think I have much less energy/time to work around/worry about other people’s needs now and I also can’t understand some of their views on parenting now I am a parent myself. I think some grandparents also struggle with their new role in the family. They think about you all the time whilst you’re fighting to keep your children/marriage/career alive. They don’t get why you’re less available.

I’ve known them a very long time and would still say we have a good relationship but I find time with them much more stressful/tiring now and, especially when I feel like I have to manage the emotions of my children and grown adults in the same way.

CurlewKate · 27/07/2025 17:10

Quite often, I think people use the tedious stereotype of MILs being awful to justify their efforts to detach their dps from their family of origin and only be interested in their “own little family” As if men shoul no longer have parents or siblings once they are in a relationship.

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 16:56

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/07/2025 16:48

You can't generalise like that.

In our family the only person who has morphed into a monster following marriage and motherhood is a daughter in law.

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asking peoples thoughts and experiences is not generalising, its asking peoples thoughts and experiences, thank you for sharing yours x

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FloraBotticelli · 27/07/2025 16:50

Read ‘She’ by Robert A Johnson if you really want to understand - it’s fascinating.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 27/07/2025 16:48

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 11:22

Its about relationships with in laws in general, what are peoples experiences and thoughts x

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You can't generalise like that.

In our family the only person who has morphed into a monster following marriage and motherhood is a daughter in law.

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 16:45

JohnTheRevelator · 27/07/2025 16:41

As someone who had a very tricky relationship with their MIL,I can relate to this. To be honest,I knew from the moment I met her that she was going to be awkward. I got the impression that she didn't want to believe that the relationship between me and her son was serious. And when I became pregnant,she said oh don't get too excited you might have a miscarriage. Charming. She never really warmed to me in the 15 years that her son and I were together. When me and my husband got divorced,she cut me (and my daughter) off completely. I've since heard that she thought I was 'too posh' for her son. Believe me,I am anything but!

The fact that she has cut contact with you, and her own grand daughter speaks volumes on the kind of person she is x

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whatcanthematterbe81 · 27/07/2025 16:45

Mine thinks we get in but I can’t stand them. I act like I do as I don’t want to make any of them feel uncomfortable but they actually make my skin crawl how the baby their son and want every detail of our lives

JohnTheRevelator · 27/07/2025 16:41

As someone who had a very tricky relationship with their MIL,I can relate to this. To be honest,I knew from the moment I met her that she was going to be awkward. I got the impression that she didn't want to believe that the relationship between me and her son was serious. And when I became pregnant,she said oh don't get too excited you might have a miscarriage. Charming. She never really warmed to me in the 15 years that her son and I were together. When me and my husband got divorced,she cut me (and my daughter) off completely. I've since heard that she thought I was 'too posh' for her son. Believe me,I am anything but!

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 16:40

Boomer55 · 27/07/2025 16:39

I get on well with mine and they get on well with me.🤷‍♀️

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You are very lucky :)

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stayathomer · 27/07/2025 16:39

It’s both I think, when you have kids your fuse shortens, due to tiredness and stress. Mils I would say try to help but forget as the mum you need a bit of space and that it’s not their child. I had ups and downs with ils but as we aged (I’m 45, youngest 10), we’re now back to a good relationship. You don’t want to hear this but I totally do agree that we become our mils, we’ve so much in common it’s shocking!!!😅

Boomer55 · 27/07/2025 16:39

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 11:22

Its about relationships with in laws in general, what are peoples experiences and thoughts x

Show quote history

I get on well with mine and they get on well with me.🤷‍♀️

Enko · 27/07/2025 16:37

Ira 5 years since. Mil died not a day passes where I dont think about her and miss her.

Its 10 years since my mum died. I rarely think about her and do not recall when I last felt I missed her. My sister still misses her a lot.

Its not always about being inlaws its about personalities. Mil and I allowed our relationship to grow and over the years I grew to love her dearly (fil died with 7 years of my meeting dh -he was a good man and great as a grandad) mil was not critical or someone who would put you down she was juat present and with you when you wantes.

My mother often overstepped was very critical and I realised as I became a mother myself that I was the scapegoat ao I put distance in our relationship.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 27/07/2025 16:36

My one loves her men on her little finger, and they respond to it. It's been a battle. She's now 80, has cancer and he has got terminal one. I keep neutral and obviously they're too old now and busy reading themselves for care, death etc....so the shit ended

Auroraloves · 27/07/2025 16:34

My relationship changed with MIL after we got married, but the significant change happened when her daughter (my SIL) got engaged. They all got really competitive towards me. It really hurt actually

fthisfthatfeverything · 27/07/2025 16:33

Mine are toxic Assholes.

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 27/07/2025 16:33

It happened to me and I was nc for 5 years, she deeply regretted it, apologised etc. Typing on a phone so cannot share all stupid, weird, crazy things she did without me provoking her , saying a word etc

Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 16:30

MauraLabingi · 27/07/2025 16:11

Adding a daughter/son in law to a family is intrinsically challenging. Your average family is full of sometimes challenging people with behaviours their blood relations have often come to ignore. A new in law is thrown right into the unglossed heart of the family, in a way that say a family friend would not be. People don't put the shine on their true selves in front of family. The new in law then experiences all the undesirable behaviour but without the years of family bonds and ties to set it against. So a single phrase from your new husband's brother has the rest of the family rolling their eyes, but you are horrified because you don't know him so well.
If your own mother says something offensive, you'll probably challenge her on it and hash it out. You're less likely to do this with your MIL, so resentment festers.

Then add in the changing relationships with blood family. Your new husband's nuclear family is now you, and he may see his blood family a bit less, as you'll also both spend time visiting your blood family. Chuck a baby in and this is magnified dramatically.

Regarding grandchildren, MILs are likely to be more difficult than FILs I reckon, purely because they are statistically more invested in family and probably see it as a greater part of their identity than FILs. Generally speaking.

So with all that in mind I'm more surprised when people say they adore their MIL. I think that both they and their MIL must be unusually nice people!

Edited

Thank you ! Agree with alot of what you are saying :)

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Original poster

Hotdays · 27/07/2025 16:28

UnderVested · 27/07/2025 15:57

Well, your MIL probably thinks it’s pretty audacious of you to bitch and moan about her on a public forum for the whole world to see. It’s certainly not exemplifying “kindness”, the very thing you seem to think she is lacking.

Don't forget that one day you will probably be a MIL.

Edited

Tbh i dont really care, she has done far far worse to me :) you cant continually treat people poorly and expect goodness in return, although it did work like that for a while for her :) she drained me of every inch of kindness and tolerance I had left, so if moaning about mistreatment is the worse I have done, so be it. Yes hopefully I will be a MIL myself, and I look forward to treating my daughter in law well, with respect, and with her and my sons wishes in mind, ive been lucky to have a MIL who has shown me what NOT to do, also lucky to have the memory of my wonderful mother who was a wonderful woman, hope you have a nice day x

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glittercunt · 27/07/2025 16:25

I'm not married to my DP, but over 7 years of relationship and for the most part I think his DM and I have grown fonder... Or maybe understand each other a little more, I'm not sure.

I can say, that I have a SIL through my sibling & she changed hugely once there was a baby on the way. I think (having analysed the situation so much over the years) that she finally felt secure enough to lay her boundaries. But unfortunately it was coupled with a lot of snide hostility and picking at mine and other people's characters from both of them.

My DP has a large family & I think everyone gets on, though I've not bothered with a couple of the siblings/ their spouses, due to major clashes in politics, or the snubbing of a SIL.

Families suck.

ginasevern · 27/07/2025 16:11

Having children alters the whole dynamic of everything in general. It alters your marriage for a start. I also think people are far more enmeshed with their parents and in-laws post marriage now than they were years ago, which doesn't help. I got married and had my child in the 70's. Parents and in-laws were people you visited maybe once a month. They rarely had any money to help out, so there was no complication in that respect, and they simply didn't do childcare. They might babysit once in a blue moon if you were lucky. Everyone seems to live in each other's pockets these days.