The Audacity of in-laws

I don’t think you can generalise. My MIL is lovely to me, my mum is lovely to my SIL.

Very interesting! My mother was/is absent. I loved my MIL.

I do think that its easier to accept your MILs flaws when your own mother has been ghastly. There's a trend in personal life and on MN where women who have had awful relationships with their own mothers seem to form loving close relationships with their MIL.

I get on just fine with my DIL and SIL. They are both lovely, but I’ve had to bite my tongue at times. 😉

It’s about tolerance and accepting that no one is perfect. 🤷‍♀️

Honestly, if someone disappeared with my baby without asking or telling anyone where she was going and not taking their phone, I'd have called the police. You must have the patience of a saint not to have totally cut her off from any relationship with you and your baby after pulling a stunt like that.

Was she apologetic about what she did?

This is unbelievable. I'm not sure I'd be on polite terms after that.

From the ones I’ve seen most get on but having been the one to hear from both sides, I’ve noticed ime that the issues often stem from differing expectations and not taking into account their adult children and the spouse as a team.

For me personally, I hoped for a warm relationship with my MIL.

My MIL and I have a surface relationship and tbh, I could tell you way more about her than she could about me. She was nice but thinking about it she had rarely ever asked questions about me personally. Interest only came when I became pregnant and even then it was about baby. I put effort in to get to know her, friendly, asked questions, making sure we visited after to bond with grandchildren since we don’t live close yet I think the most she could tell you about me is maybe a handful of things you find out chatting from a stranger, not someone you have known for over a decade. It took ages for DH to notice but by then I had already accepted what kind of relationship she wanted with me and stop putting in the extra effort, kept it to politeness and left DH to it, especially after some things she has said to me that were not on, ridiculous, and unnecessary and noticing that there weren’t any pictures of our kids with the others of family and other grandchildren despite us sending pictures. Had to actually gift frame pictures before that happened and then she started framing them.

I just accept what she is willing to give and only do what I am comfortable with.

Oh, but she has done things. Or that’s definitely how it would be interpreted by people on here.

As one example, when DH turned 40, she put together a big album of photos (approx 200) from throughout his life in a fancy bound book as a present . Given that we’d been together since we were teenagers, I’m obviously in loads of occasion/birthday/family wedding/graduation etc photos — we graduated at the same ceremony. Yet I appear in precisely 2 out of 200 photos, and one of those was a big student ball survivors photo with a hundred other people. We’d had DS less than a year earlier, but the album only has photos of DH holding DS.

That’s just one example of many. But taking offence is a choice. The woman has about as much insight into her own motivations as a toddler.

I hugely admire my in laws. They keep on good terms with DH's ex and the mother of his 3 children, as do we, they are on good terms with me who has been married to their son for 14 years, they are on good terms with their other DIL (who can be quite tricky) and she, to be fair makes a really good effort with them.

It can be hard work at times but to be honest I think everyone acknowledges that but realises that falling outs would be worse.

yes indeed, mothers and sons

On Gransnet, estranged paternal grandparents, the song is always the same..

My relationship with my PiL, especially MiL, became better. And better still when we had kids.

We don’t really gel. I doubt we’d spend time together if I knew her in some other capacity. But we both want things to go well for DH’s sake (and then for DCs’ sake) and so we’re good and kind to each other.

However, there had been a bust up between MiL and my BiL and his wife. Does not know the details but they were outraged at something she said after birth of a DC. Estranged for a few years. Before our kids were born my DH visited his mum without me, I wasn’t even aware he went, and had words about what he expected. This may have helped set us up for success, or it may have been unnecessary. I wasn’t aware of it at the time.

Look, your PILs are a completely chance relationship, like people you work with — they’re only in your life because of who you married. I am utterly different to my MIL, but despite the fact she has no time at all for me, and barely knows the first thing about me despite knowing me for over 30 years, I remain quite fond of her. She had a difficult, impoverished upbringing as the eldest of a huge family, has had a small life, and couldn’t afford any imagination or subtlety. I need to be the ones who is imaginative and understanding. She isn’t capable of either. But she’s my lovely DH’s mother.

My MIL and I get on really well. I am the person she talks to when she wants to sound something out before talking to her actual DC. However, her other DIL would not have a decent word to say about her.

I do think, though, that if the relationship is not easy before you have kids, it's not going to improve it much.

This
Also it always seems to be the paternal in laws who are perceived to be the problem??????
Paternal in laws are always on vulnerable ground

Exactly

"I got along well with my MIL, as she was a really warm and accepting person who enthusiastically welcomed me into the family from day 1. When DH and I had our children, the relationship blossomed even more. She was the perfect grandma, and loved us all without condition. I loved her dearly, as did all her grandchildren, and I miss her very much.
^^
My MIL made me the mother and grandmother that I am today, and I'm enormously grateful to her."

This is lovely to read ❤️ I'm genuinely so glad you had someone like her in your life.

I am incredibly grateful to my in laws..

They have taught me so much and if ever I am a MIL, I will try my damnedest to NOT be anything like them in the hope of not making anyone feel the way they have made me feel.

They were pretty shit parents so not surprising they were shit PILs too.

Why do you give kisses to complete strangers?