Friend won’t apologise

If something was said that the other person was upset by, bad enough that we aren’t allowed to know what it is then I’m on the side of the friend tbh. Stepping away from a friendship where you’ve been really hurt is completely normal, even if the other person apologises for it. If you’re in a big group and it’s awkward you may well offer an olive branch invitation to try to ease the awkwardness or to see if the friendship can be rekindled.

OP, writing letters to further apologise suggests the friend already blocked you / refused to answer phone and you continued to over step the boundaries. Expecting an apology from someone who clearly doesn’t believe they’re wrong is not at all the sign of a forgiving person either. And if you never were in the wrong then even the original “apology” you gave was either completely fake or one of those “I’m sorry you feel that way” non-apologies.

How was it the friend apologising ? OP has asked for an apology and been refused. Reaching out was manipulative. If OP accepts it looks like she’s the one in the wrong. If she’s OK with that then fine. Personally l’d see it for what it is. A way of friend smoothing things over without taking any responsibility for what happened or her past behaviour towards OP.

Stay away from her Op. Many emotionally manipulative people out there. What she did was so cruel (and sadistic even). I consider it self-protection by staying away forever.

You can be polite but dont let your walls down ever. She's dangerous and given there is no remorse, she would do it again.

Agree with this. I don’t think it’s necessary for the OP to say what her friend thought she said, she accused her of saying something she didn’t say and then wouldn’t discuss it, she needs to apologise for the way she’s treated the OP if she wants to be friends.
I wouldn’t give her a second chance though, not after all this time. She’s treated you shoddily and the friendship would never be the same.

There are 2 ways you could look at this.
She is either a drama lama and making a mountain out of a molehill especially when she is crying to others saying she misses your friendship

or

You have said something horrible which she (and maybe others) may look upon on a negative light. Without knowing what has been said people on here won’t know.

If you keep going on about an apology, it will come across as a bit desperate and is it really worth it? Would it not be a case of less said soonest mended (or something like that)?

She is hurt by what you said and unless there were others to witness what you said and can back you up, then she is being unreasonable and should 100% apologise. If there weren’t others to witness it, it will be a case of he said she said.

You have done your part in apologising for what she thinks you have said. You never know maybe she has genuinely taken what you said in a negative way and she is really hurt, but without knowing what was said no one here can really say.

She doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, so I wouldn’t waste your energy or time, just walk away.

She isn’t going to apologise
you can’t forgive her
let the friendship go
you can still attend events when she’s there, be polite but don’t overly engage in conversation. If she tries to talk about it just say “ we are at x event this isn’t appropriate “ and walk away.

I don’t think she owes you an apology. I think you probably said something offensive and spent a year convincing yourself she was in the wrong.

Time to move on! She’s reaching out to you, take it or don’t take it.

This 100%

OP has said several times that it’s outing. She may know people who are on MN.

You say that the awkwardness is unnecessary but at this point you're the one creating it. She reached out to you with an invitation to your family. That was her apologising. You either want to repair the friendship or you don't. If you don't, that's fine. If you do, then you're going to need to climb down off your high horse and go meet her.

The friendship is over and civility is the best outcome here.
Even if she came out with a forced apology (as that is very much what it would be at this stage, even if it was forthcoming), things wouldn’t be the same again.
For the sake of this thread, it would have been better if you explained the gist of what had been said, changing the words and context a bit. So basically give us an equivalent scenario so that we could better understand the depth and seriousness of it.

We don’t need the details though. According to OP she said something which friend misinterpreted. She then refused to accept OP’s explanation and apology and continued to badmouth her based on her interpretation of what was said.

I don’t think OP apologised for what was said - more for the fact that it could be misinterpreted and was not meant in the way it was taken. I think it’s incredibly manipulative of friend to then contact OP after so long in the guise of holding out an ‘olive branch’ which, if she accepts it, will make OP look like the guilty party who friend has forgiven, when in fact it’s OP who is owed an apology for the appalling way friend has treated her.

@NurtureGrow there is a choice somewhere in the middle .
If she won’t apologise move on .
Saying that I think you should still attend agents with her there as it’s part of your social circle. .
I wouldn’t just act like she isn’t there . She has made her choice so I really wouldn’t be bothering with her any more or let her have any effect on my life .

Posters need to stop hounding OP, she has said she can’t say because it’s outing, that should be respected.

The friend has admitted that OP didn’t say what she thought she did. So she should apologise for the year long silent treatment and telling everyone a lie.

She thinks she was reasonable to be upset by what you said. Why won’t you tell us what it was?

Maybe it’s not manipulative, maybe she genuinely doesn’t think she has anything to apologise for

It is hard to comment on who was right or wrong without specifics but she sounds like a manipulative person. Let her go and focus on your other friendships.

Tbh, you are asking if you are BU to need an apology, and without knowing what you were accused of, it’s hard to say.

For example, if she wrongly accused you of making a racist slur, then I would be with you absolutely needing an apology.
If she accused you of being mean about someone’s dress or haircut (and of course, if wasn’t true), I’d be OK with drawing a line under it for the sake of the friendship. I would, however, be alert to any sort of repetition and not tolerate any more nonsense from her.

What would be the point in a clearly forced apology?

That doesn’t alter the fact that the friend refused to accept OP’s apology or explanation and continued to bad mouth her to others. That’s entirely her friend’s decision, but if any friend of mine chose to think badly enough of me to behave like this based on a misunderstanding l’d have dropped the rope long ago.

She sounds like too much work and am emotional loose cannon. Regardless of what was said or what she thought you said, you have clarified both verbally and by letter. She has chosen to believe your intentions weren't good and gone around stoking the drama by telling other people and refusing to speak to you.

Of she wants to extend an olive branch, thst should include an apoligiy for her behavior.

She sounds like a nightmare. No-one needs a friend like that.

How on earth can you say this? It's really not clear who's in the wrong and if OP won't actually say what happened then it's impossible to tell!

YABU to get so hung up on the apology but YANBU to cut off the friendship if you don't want to be friends with her.

you hate the fact she thinks you said something you didn’t and makes you feel a liar

Well that's the thing isn't it?

Once my friends clarified I'd be thinking that well of course, they wouldn't have said/meant that because they are my friend.

If I doubted well then they are hardly a friend!