Friend won’t apologise

This is playground level, frankly. Grudges that go on this long about a relatively small matter (in the scheme of things) - requiring an apology, refusing to turn up because you feel uncomfortable etc. Honestly, grow up. Look at the news and truly awful things happening to give you perspective. I’m not saying you should be close, trusting or seek her out, but be vaguely friendly and civilised fgs

Several thoughts occur to me..

1. as pp said.. she wanted to end the friendship.. or wanted to piss you off, or wanted to show she could extract an apology, perhaps to show dominance.. and it backfired. or
2. You have not met her request for an apology... she knows that people talk to you about this and doesn't like that they might be hearing her described in a less than flattering light.. Maybe she heard something recently and this is why its come up and she's taken the initiative of saying OK then I will meet her at this event. I will prove to you all that I am not the instigator and am magnaimus enough to be civil. or
3. She has FOMO and overwhelming curiosity.. Its not enough for her to ghost you, she still wants to know how you are taking it and how you are dealing with it. If you still see the friendship group on your own terms then it sounds like you are dealing with it quite well.
4. She includes wanting to see the family - because that makes her look like a caring person.. who loves your family and wants to be close to them, but you are stopping her from doing that. So she's making the sacrifice of seeing you because she is full of regret for missing them.

I don't think a rapproachment at an event in front of lots of other people is ever a good idea. If there are any bridges left to be mended - far better for you both to meet privately and thrash it out that way. You will get a far more realistic response from her if she's not playing to the crowd. And it will give you time to work out how you feel about all of this and say what you want to say without worrying about what interested onlookers think. If doesn't work, you can still go to the event with your family.. and just agree to stay away from each other.

It sounds like you have been very hurt by this. If you think its some kind of misunderstanding, rather than a deliberate attempt at.. well I don't really know what it could be an attempt at, only you do... but if you think there is any genuine attempt to clear things up.. then a private one on one would clarify that. Either way, it would give you both some clarity, a chance to say what you really think and perhaps some closure.

Was going to add. I think apologies are over rated and can be just meaningless way of getting someone else to move on. Maybe what you both need is just some understanding of what was going on, on both sides. Genuine information would allow you to make a genuine choice.

I'm not the one demanding to know what was said and wanting to pick all the details apart, going on about how we only have the OP's word. 😂

You need to calm down a bit 😂

if she said "I am sorry IF" that's not an apology.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-apology_apology

Well then you have your answer, don’t you? The apology is non-negotiable for you. She isn’t prepared to give it. You’re waiting for her to “see the light”, but it isn’t going to happen.

Fuck me, its a forum, not a court of law.

I think I'm being a bit tetchy this morning, sorry.

It's a hard one op but I think if it's such a big deal to you then you need to reach out and lay it on the table to see where you stand and move on from there rather than sitting dwelling on it and waiting for an apology that may never come. I'd do this wether or not you want to rekindle the friendship.

So i think this is part of the problem. If someone apologises you accept it immediately and move on. That's ok. But not everyone is like that. Just because person A is ready to apologise doesnt mean person B is obliged to accept and let it go immediately. Sometimes people need time to reflect

You had this friend, you sounds genuinely hurt by something you said. Told everyone how hurt she was. You apologised and later when shed moved on she reached out. And now because she a. Was upset in the first place and b. Needed time to accept the apology you want one because she didnt move on quick enough?

I think you either need to reach out and talk it out potentially without the apology and move on or accept the friendship is over and be civil.

OP has been very vague, saying she did say it but didn't intend it to hurt her friend and then saying she didn't say it. It seems like she's not taking responsibility for saying something horrible to me.

YABU because whatever you said originally was enough that you apologised. Even if it was just "Im sorry I hurt you, it wasnt my intention" and an explanation for the misunderstanding.

So now you've apologised. Shes taken some time and invited you to something and you wont unless she apologies?

What is she apologising for? And why would it even occur to her she has something to apologise for?

To me your apology should be the end of it. And you either from then are friends or aren't. Unless theres something im missing

Or you could turn it around. Some posters are too naive and willing to believe anything they read.

You want to ask a bunch of strangers on the internet for their unbiased opinion but hide facts to suit yourself. Fine. Posters like you will give them what they need I guess.

I think you’ve got fixated on receiving an apology that has zero value or sincerity at this stage, and would just be performative. I also think it’s fine not to forgive her but I don’t think you’re quite as forgiving a person as you think you are, as you’re prepared to lose a friendship because your friend won’t say the words you need to hear from her. I’d move on OP, you’re never going to get what you want from this friendship.

She clearly doesn't feel she needs to apologise. Why would you want an apology that you know wouldn't be sincere?

This is one of the times when I'd say you'd need to hear the other side.

It's quite common for someone who has said something unacceptable but doesn't want to admit it to reply with "I didn't mean it the way you took it" trying to put the wrong on the other person, and trying to exact an apology goes with that behaviour, as does "I apologised" when actually what they'd said was not an apology but an "I'm sorry if..." non-apology.

It's bloody obvious that she apologised that her friend took whatever she said in a way it was not intended and clarified what she meant. Her 'friend' has decided not to accept that and create drama.

The details of what were said are irrelevant. Honestly people on here are like vultures picking over carrion. They have no interest in the sentiments, they just want to revel in the gory details.

OP says her friend continued to tell mutual friends OP had said something which she hadn’t - even after she had tried to clear up the misunderstanding and apologised for it. How is it minimising the hurt if the hurt wasn’t meant in the first place. OP is not responsible for the offence her friend chose to take. OK so friend wanted to distance herself, but continuing to double down on the lie with mutual friends is not seeking support, it’s just lying.

@NurtureGrow I'm sure you've heard of people having different love languages, people also aparently have different apology languages (you can google it for more info). Like you, I'm someone who finds it difficult to get past feeling wronged without a verbal apology, and have lost friends because of it in the past. I have difficulty understanding how friends can be so forgiving of others, and they sometimes don't understand my rigidity. I also had a difficult childhood and also think I may be ND. I tend to be more flexible now, as I've gotten older. Your friend inviting you and your family to events is obviously some sort of olive branch and maybe that's her way of apologising. Maybe that's her love language.

OP hasn’t said her comment was innocent. She said she didn’t say what her friend has accused her of saying. And that she explained and apologised for the misunderstanding at the time. If friend wasn’t prepared to accept that then it should have been the end of the friendship. Why is the friend trying to resurrect the friendship all this time in such a manipulative way - extending a fake olive branch which OP is damned if she accepts and damned if she doesn’t. It’s toxic.

An apology that's demanded is pointless, an apology should convey that the person is truly sorry and recognises the impact of their actions. If you have to force someone to give one it's meaningless.
I also think an overt apology isn't always necessary, if you'd wanted to renew the friendship you could've accepted the invitation, and seen how it played out on the day, a more natural conversation rather than than a staged call for an apology.

Whatever you said, it obviously hurt her a great deal. You seem to be minimising it by saying you didn't MEAN for it to hurt her and it wasn't your intention, but it DID hurt her. She then distanced herself and sought support from her friends before finally letting it go and coming back to you. She doesn't have anything to apologise for.

Given OP’s strength of feeling on this I don’t think that’s possible. Friend at least needs to acknowledge how OP feels and clear the air. It’s pretty toxic of her to just expect to be able to gloss over things and pick up a friendship after treating OP so shoddily.

Same sort of thing happened to me - After about 20 years of deep friendship I feel l out with a friend and decided that the whole relationship was too toxic for me. For the next 10 years had no contact other the rejecting her when she reached out to me when she was having her first child. As far as I was concerned she was dead to me, to the point that I had not emotional connection to her. Because of that I agreed to meet up with a small group of friends, which included her. I knew I could ignore her is I wanted. Fast forward 5 years and we are back to being good pals because of that meet up. It took time, and I was gently coaxed by other friends (who knew how I felt,) who created opportunities for us to be in each others company and not feel under pressure. Nothing much was said about what happened, other then a drunk' I'm glad you're back in my life' and a hug.I don't want to talk to her about it now anyway, as we are both different people. The person I was is still hurt by the way she behaved, but I'm not that person anymore. Sometimes you've got to let sleeping dogs lie and move one.

However a few thoughts

1. If you do want her back in your life you can always rekindle slowly and once you both trust each other again talk about it.
2. Don't worry about what other people think - re what you did or didn't say - if they see you together, getting on well, they will assume that its all been sorted out ( if they remember it at all, don't forget they've been getting on with their own lives whilst all this has been dragging one)... also its none of their business.
3. Do you actually want her back on your life, or are you more bothered by what other friends are thinking? If the later, you might be underestimating your other friends, they know you and will be able to make up their own minds about what they are being told you said. Give them some credit.
4. Are you holding on to the need for an apology too hard.
5. Ask yourself what an apology looks like to you - Her reaching out to you and asking you to an unnecessary event is an apology in my mind, and perhaps you asking for a formal apology might have put her back up which is why she refused. You like a direct apology, but maybe shes not made that way. (FYI Im the same as you, but most people aren't in my experience, they find it very intimidating)

Nor sure if any of that is helpful, but you've just got to decide if the friendship is worth it or not. If it is, then just do it in reverse - rekindle the relationship, rebuild the trust then have a chat about it.

I wonder what the other side of the story is as this one is very one sided......

OP cannot change her ex-friends reaction/actions - it is clear her friend does not feel she should have to apologise, she may or may not have valid reasons for that, we will never know.

OP can only change her own reaction, and after a year to not move on, to choose to hold onto such strong feelings of being wronged, instead of just holding at arms length and being civil when they cross paths suggests to me OP may be at least part of the issue.

Surely most adults have ex-friends, now acquaintances, in their lives where they bump into them and can ask how they are getting on, wish them well while not worrying about/reigniting why the friendship never worked out.