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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend won’t apologise

244 replies

NurtureGrow · 27/07/2025 08:08

This has been a while, but would appreciate some input.

I had a situation with a friend a few years ago.
She misunderstood something I said, and got upset. I can say 100% I didn’t say this or have this intention at all. She told others I did and she stopped talking to me. Even though I hadn’t, I immediately apologised for anything I did that led to the confusion, I also did some months later by letter. It was very painful, but during the silence, I eventually tried to accept I wouldn’t hear from her again.

Last year she asked my family to come to an unnecessary group event. It was unexpected and I said unfortunately I didn’t feel comfortable as she has never apologised. I offered to have a call and said I would always be ok with that now or anytime in the future. I want to forgive her and am very forgiving by nature. She said she would not apologise, what happened, happened, and declined the call.

Two weeks ago I had to see her again at a group event we both had to go to. Everything is awkward and strange. For me this was all unnecessary. She has talked before about how sad the ‘loss of the friendship’ is. For me it is depressing as the situation was unnecessary, the silence unnecessary, and the awkwardness unnecessary now.

I simply feel I need an apology. I can’t move past it without. I don’t want to spend time with someone I feel resentful of. It has felt very manipulative to me, that she wanted to see my family even though she won’t apologise. Other friends also wanted us there and tried to push for us to go. At this point, without an apology, I would prefer not to see or hear from her again because it is too painful. I don’t understand why she won’t apologise or even why she wants to see me..

My question is AIBU? What would others do?

You are NOT being unreasonable - a request for an apology is reasonable

You are being unreasonable - you should agree to meet her, try to be friends again and carry on as if nothing happened even though she won’t apologise

OP posts:
Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 08:20

We don't need details but you haven't been clear. Does she know she got it wrong?? Because if she doesn't, and you made it confusing by apologising and not explaining that's on you

Neeeemo · 27/07/2025 08:19

Impossible to say without knowing the details. You don't have to share but you won't get much help without us knowing what you said.

Original poster
NurtureGrow · 27/07/2025 08:19

@StrangledHowl I would be open to being friends again with an apology. But without I just don’t seem to be able to feel it was ok, when I had to suffered so long and with silence.

I am the kind of person who can basically forgive immediately, but I need an apology. Just wondering if that is abnormal and others just accept and are friendly again..??

@RhiWrites sorry, I’d rather not detail as it will be possible to know who I am. Also, sorry I tried to make it as concise as possible.

OP posts:
BlueBelle7979 · 27/07/2025 08:18

How can we judge without knowing what you said?

Hollietree · 27/07/2025 08:18

Yes impossible to advise you without knowing exactly what happened. What words were said (and thought to be said) that caused the fall out.

Essentially she thinks you said something hurtful. She doesn’t believe when you said it was a misunderstanding. And you are now demanding an apology from her before you can be friends again - which she doesn’t feel is justified and doesn’t want to do.

So your choice is to either move on and leave the friendship in the past. Or to accept that your friend doesn’t feel she owes you an apology and decide together to forget about the whole issue and try to be friends again.

Summerholidayze · 27/07/2025 08:18

This seems skewed to me. She made the mistake but you apologised. I’d drop the rope if I were you.

Om83 · 27/07/2025 08:17

If all this occurred due to a misunderstanding then not being unreasonable- it was never resolved properly and she was the one who determined she didn’t want to speak to you again. If it had been closer in time to the original issue then I might accept it and brush it away as I am also quite a forgiving person, but I think the principle of letting it go on so long means it needs addressing now in some way if you are to become friends again.

Or if you don’t want the friendship to start up again then are you able to grey wall her- go to the event and enjoy it but leave her to it, polite but no emotion.

what sort of thing are you meant to have said? Even if you had said it, would it have been worthy of all this or an over reaction??

Evaka · 27/07/2025 08:15

Sounds like everyone is a bit wounded and not letting go.

I think I would have taken the event invite as an olive branch and, had I wanted to continue the friendship, moved on from that point.

I wouldn't be arsed pursuing an apology but I know some people think they are important. I'm more of an actions/gestures than words person.

sesquipedalian · 27/07/2025 08:15

So your friend musunderstood something you said and was upset. You apologised. Why was this not the end of the matter? What exactly do you want your friend to apologise for? You seem to have blown this whole thing up into something way bigger than it needs to be. If you want to be friends, move on. If not, then forget about it. You’re not in the playground any more.

CopperWhite · 27/07/2025 08:14

How is anyone here supposed to judge without knowing what was said?

Its possible that you said something horrible, even if you didn’t mean to, and it’s possible that you said nothing bad at all and your friend over reacted.

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 08:14

It's been years. If you want to move past it, move past it apology or not. Does she know she got it wrong? Sorry is the hardest thing to say for some people, even if they are.

Lafufufu · 27/07/2025 08:13

Why did you apologise in the first place rather than just say "erm...you misunderstood me i didnt say x I said y" ?

Anyway The friendship is dead.
The friend just wants access to your family (God knows why)

I wouldn't bother.. it might be salvageable if recent but this has been dragging for YEARS. It's dead.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 27/07/2025 08:13

You said she misunderstood something you said but you said you 100% didn't say whatever you were supposed to have said. Without knowing exactly what was said it's hard to say, but it's been several years...sounds like it's time for you to let it go

Morgenrot25 · 27/07/2025 08:13

RhiWrites · 27/07/2025 08:12

What did she think you said? You wrote such a long post but it’s difficult to judge without that bit of information.

This.
What did/does she think you said, and what did you actually say?

Wolfpa · 27/07/2025 08:13

What does your friend think you said? It must be bad to cause her not to speak to you for so long.

do you miss the friendship?

B1anche · 27/07/2025 08:13

I'm not sure how we can help without knowing what happened. Your post is very vague.

Agix · 27/07/2025 08:12

It really depends what you actually said and what happened.

If you put your foot in it and she understandably mistook what you said, she may not owe you an apology. The fault is yours for not being more careful with your words, even if you didn't mean what was communicated.

Of course, if she has just made something up and spread that you said something horrible with absolutely no basis, then it makes sense you want an apology.

The fact that she's not apologising makes me feel that she thinks she had good reason to believe and act as she did. Maybe still doesn't think you didn't mean the negative thing.

But without knowing what happened, it's impossible to answer whether YABU or not.

RhiWrites · 27/07/2025 08:12

What did she think you said? You wrote such a long post but it’s difficult to judge without that bit of information.

StrangledHowl · 27/07/2025 08:10

Well, do you want to be friends again?

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