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AIBU?

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Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 07:46

She’s NEVER been to his flat? Why not?

DoneitagainhaventI · 27/07/2025 07:43

For him to go to such extremes to avoid going on this holiday is really concerning. Or at least it SHOULD be really concerning to his mother.
He shouldn't be forced to go on the holiday. And his mother needs to listen to her son's unhappiness about his relationship with her boyfriend.

Strawberrri · 27/07/2025 07:42

Book him a separate room and tell him he can do his own thing

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:41

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:08

So the BF happy not to live with his child? Does he contribute to her mother, look after his daughter?

Yes. He's in demand and flat is owned outright as far as my friend knows. She's never visited it. BF has some 4am starts, so stays at his place so not to disturb the whole family. This has been the arrangement since the start.
BF pays for the girl completely. Friend & I are in her car at moment but she says she's got the approximate numbers at home

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 27/07/2025 07:40

I don't think he should go on the holiday. I could imagine him running away whilst there or just even going say to the hotel reception or local police station to get away from the man who is unkind at best to him. So a safety issue in a way.

Nothing suggests to me it is part of a wider attempt to be manipulative.

Deliaskis · 27/07/2025 07:40

I also have a teen nephew and niece who pretty much loathe my sister's partner, and would hate to be forced to go on holiday too. It's just about bearable for them at home because they can do their own thing and have their own space and social plans. Holidays and the forced together time are awful for them. None of the rest of us can stand the partner either, but sister can't/won't see the problem, thinks she's entitled to choose to be in a relationship, and doesn't see that that shouldn't mean forcing her children into one that they absolutely do not want. And yes, she'll lose them.

Nephew and niece know they have a space here whenever they need it, including to avoid 'family' holidays.

PermanentTemporary · 27/07/2025 07:40

I would say he definitely doesn’t have to go on the holiday. Having had many holidays I haven’t enjoyed, I am done forcing people to have ‘fun’ they don’t want to have. Particularly if he’s a bereaved teenager living with his mum’s bf, I do feel for him and have a son bereaved if his dad myself.

I would also be keen to reduce the drama. He’s not going on the holiday, so he should go home. If his aunt is willing to have him for two weeks that’s great. If the aunt can set some kind of job-like challenge for the two weeks, such as babysitting her kids, or looking after/walking a dog near her, that would be good, Future holidays - tbc, but perhaps the couple should go away in school terms, if at all - it’s only a couple of years until he could be alone at home I don’t see a single reason why he should have to go away with this bf myself.

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

BeanQuisine · 27/07/2025 07:33

If he's happy at his aunt's and she's happy for him to be there, I can't see why he should have to be dragged away on a holiday he doesn't want, in the company of a hostile adult who mocks him, to a place where he'll be bored and uncomfortably hot.

JohnWickAteMyHamster · 27/07/2025 07:27

The BF sounds like a bully. No wonder kid doesn't want to go on holiday with him! Good on the kid for standing his ground. If he can stay with the sister then why on earth doesn't he.
Honestly these poor kids whose mum gets a new partner and prioritises their new life over their existing kid, it's sad.
And did I read correctly that mum and BF have a child together? but BF doesn't want to live with them because he doesn't want to have to pay for a bigger property (lives in a small inherited flat) - does he pay towards his actual child? Do anything useful at all?
He sounds awful. Your friends nephew has the absolute measure of him and I don't blame him one bit for not wanting to spend 2 weeks with him.
There isn't a solution that keeps everyone happy. His mum should let him stay with the aunt and then after the holiday take a big step back and look at the bigger picture. And consider putting her child first next time...

LivingTheDreamOneNightmareAtATime · 27/07/2025 07:21

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:40

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies, and nephew want to pursue a future career in a specific field (think working with animals but I don't won't to say the exact job it would be). Been tensions between the two of the since the first year of his Mum dating the BF. They were apparently fine at first. Not met the BF but he sounds like he rubs many people up the wrong way. My friend's husband doesn't particularly like him either. Friend is neutral on him.

I was a teen in this situation. Downplaying what is actually lack of support/emotional neglect to ‘opinionated’ and mickey taking is hugely damaging long term.

dottiedodah · 27/07/2025 07:16

I always stayed with my GDP when DM Nd SD went on holiday. TBH I can't see the big deal. Lots of teens are similar. My parents didn't go abroad. But driving holidays in Wales. Didn't appeal to me.SD not abusive .Just let him stay home surely .they will have a good time and so will he.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 27/07/2025 07:13

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

This, 100%.

Imagine wanting to be with a man who belittles your 7/8 year old (i think this was the sons age when they got together) for his hobbies/passions.

AuntyDepressant · 27/07/2025 07:12

Ok so considering he has run away before (presumably because he didn't want to do something) my concern would be that in running away again and hiding his passport for no other reason than he just doesn't like the resort, he is showing a degree of manipulation/control which could escalate if he is allowed to think he can do this and prevent the entire family going on holiday. The friend could also find herself being dragged into it every time he has to do something he doesn't want to do. What happens next time he doesn't want to do something?

BusMumsHoliday · 27/07/2025 07:11

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

Edited

I think this is important - it's a huge jump from "my mums bf who comes round a lot but I can escape to my room or out the house/with mates" to "two weeks in the same small apartment with him and no escape."

I agree the response is extreme but it sounds like he really doesn't want to go. Staying with the aunt seems a good solution. I'd suggest that the aunt put to his mum that her nephew can have a nice break with her while they have a nice holiday, or everyone can have a terrible holiday - which would she prefer?

Hotandbotheredflower · 27/07/2025 07:11

My sister did this so they arranged for her to stay with family while the rest of us went. She was a very sad teenager who wanted her mother to love her but the relationship was awful.

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 07:08

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

Edited

So the BF happy not to live with his child? Does he contribute to her mother, look after his daughter?

StMarie4me · 27/07/2025 07:04

He should stay with the aunt. He’s fine. He does not have to go on holiday with his Mum’s abusive twat of a bf.
If she wants to preserve any kind of future relationship with him, she needs to respect his wishes on this one.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:04

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 06:51

So they live together but he won't holiday with him? Too late for PGL camp?

No boyfriend has his own place. A flat he inherited from a family member. They've never lived together as it'd be too crowded and no space for his tools & equipment. BF is self employed metalworker and other stuff.

OP posts:
Iwiicit · 27/07/2025 07:04

I think his mum should let him stay with his aunt. He's being fairly controlling in his behaviour for sure but obviously he's been through an awful lot. He's lost his Dad and being forced to live with a man he clearly, for whatever reason, doesn't like. I would hate a boiling hot beach holiday too. If he stays with the aunt, it's a win win situation surely? The family can have a relaxing break and so can he. He might even be able to open up to his aunt and uncle about what is distressing him so much.

Scarydinosaurs · 27/07/2025 07:03

It’s such an extreme reaction. Is he often attention seeking in other areas too? What is behind the hatred of hot weather? You said sensory - has he burnt before?

The threats of making a fuss at the airport could land HIM in prison for wasting police time. But why would he want to upset his family so much?

There is a lot going on here - and it’s more than just the holiday.

Blarn · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it is a combination of not enjoying hot weather holidays and staying on one with a man who takes the piss out of a teens hobbies I can see why he doesn't want to go. I agree with PPs, if you friend and her family are happy to have him then she needs to talk to her sister. Perhaps emphasise more that he is getting older and it's normal to not enjoy family holidays, rather than he doesn't want to go on holiday with the bf.

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:57

Iwiicit · 27/07/2025 06:55

How old is the nephew?

13 going on 14 I think. He's an independent type.

OP posts:
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