Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
RhaenysRocks · 27/07/2025 08:24

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Why? The whole essence of a holiday is that it is a fun thing. It's not like school or work or keeping good personal hygenie. If it's the case, as with my ds that he hates the idea of change and not being at home but always ends up enjoying himself and is glad he went, then yes, don't entertain any qualms but this is way beyond that. He doesn't want to spend time with this man that the mum has imposed on his family and he dislikes extreme heat. If there is a childcare solution, which it seems there is, I really can't see why you would force him.

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/07/2025 08:21

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

Your friend needs to listen to her son. This is also my 14yr old son who doesn't really like the hot weather, doesn't really do sitting around by a pool (lots of people don't), he doesn't want to share a room with any of us (fair enough) and that's without a BF coming along who takes the piss out of him so I can't imagine the push back if I brought a BF like a long who behaved like that.

This year I have really listened to him. We have done a weekend in Rome (seen all the big sights as he's interested in History) and next we will go on a Eurocamp type holiday where he can have his own room , its in Brittany so cooler temp wise - which is a weird step back for me as I said I didn't want to do it again but it suits us all this year so needs must.

I think he's reaction is extreme TBH, something is triggering that and you should be ask why and where is it coming from. Even if a teen doesn't like the sounds of a holiday, this isn't normal behaviour. Why isn't your friend addressing it.

HuskyNew · 27/07/2025 08:20

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:41

Yes. He's in demand and flat is owned outright as far as my friend knows. She's never visited it. BF has some 4am starts, so stays at his place so not to disturb the whole family. This has been the arrangement since the start.
BF pays for the girl completely. Friend & I are in her car at moment but she says she's got the approximate numbers at home

She’s never visited the flat in 7 years? Her daughter doesn’t know where her father lives.

this is ridiculous

JurgenKloppsTeeth · 27/07/2025 08:18

I wouldn’t fancy two weeks in a flat in a hot country with a bloke I hated either. Sounds absolutely miserable.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 27/07/2025 08:17

He sounds like he has asd and doesn't like changing routine?

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2025 08:16

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:57

My friend - 'K' - has never been to his flat. The Mum has and has stayed there while K babysat etc.

Is your friend happy to have her nephew stay with her if his mum agrees? That would be the best solution all round.

He obviously has huge issues with his mum's boyfriend, who sounds mean and insensitive at best and possibly abusive at worst. As you have revealed that his mum's boyfriend lives elsewhere, your friend's nephew is obviously dreading being with him for two weeks. Does his mum stick up for her son when her boyfriend is mocking him or does she ignore his horrible behaviour?

CaptainFuture · 27/07/2025 08:15

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/07/2025 08:07

It sounds like this situation has been made a bit more dramatic by nephew’s mother than it needs to be. 14 year old refusing to go on holiday? Well then he stays on auntie’s sofa. No big deal. You can’t force teenagers to go on a holiday and nephew’s mother needs to stop forcing happy families on everyone. Nephew is also being unreasonably dramatic and needs to calm down - hopefully the hysteria will abate when he’s told he doesn’t have to go.

This, take all the drama out of it, no big clashes or arguments at the moment.
"OK, we'll miss you, but don't want to force you"
Also remove passport so he can't destroy it, and definitely mum son time!

Cuttlefisher · 27/07/2025 08:15

This has red flags all over it. Let the boy stay home with the aunt.

Zanatdy · 27/07/2025 08:09

Zero point trying to make him go. He stays with his Aunt.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/07/2025 08:09

Scarydinosaurs · 27/07/2025 07:03

It’s such an extreme reaction. Is he often attention seeking in other areas too? What is behind the hatred of hot weather? You said sensory - has he burnt before?

The threats of making a fuss at the airport could land HIM in prison for wasting police time. But why would he want to upset his family so much?

There is a lot going on here - and it’s more than just the holiday.

You think that a 13 year old would be put in prison for making a scene at an airport? It's more likely that he would be taken into care and questions asked about their family relationships, particularly with his step-dad.

PumpkinPie2016 · 27/07/2025 08:09

The boy's reaction to a holiday is extreme and to me, very worrying. A reaction like that isn't just because he doesn't like hot weather!

My parents used to holiday in southern France when I was a similar age. We had our own caravan. I found my sister very difficult (long story) and wasn't a lover of hot weather but I went and did enjoy lots of it.

I don't think trying to force him to go is going to be beneficial for anyone. The aunt would be best talking to the mother and suggesting he stays with her while the others go on holiday. That's a short term solution.

In the longer term though, his mother needs to look very closely at her boyfriend and at what the issue is, however unpalatable that might be. I would advise finding someone the boy can speak to openly- counsellor, pastoral worker at school etc. There is something seriously amiss here and it needs addressing before it causes further damage.

Avantiagain · 27/07/2025 08:08

He should stay with his Aunt during the holiday. There is no point in anyone trying to force him to go.

Barney16 · 27/07/2025 08:07

I would sort out the holiday thing first because everyone is tense about that then think about the wider issues. Holiday wise I would say to my sister, look, he doesn't want to go, he will be miserable and then everyone will be miserable, I'm happy to have him, he can stay with me. Then take it from there.

Mercurysinretrograde · 27/07/2025 08:07

It sounds like this situation has been made a bit more dramatic by nephew’s mother than it needs to be. 14 year old refusing to go on holiday? Well then he stays on auntie’s sofa. No big deal. You can’t force teenagers to go on a holiday and nephew’s mother needs to stop forcing happy families on everyone. Nephew is also being unreasonably dramatic and needs to calm down - hopefully the hysteria will abate when he’s told he doesn’t have to go.

Biskieboo · 27/07/2025 08:06

So it's a holiday to a place the teen doesn't want to go to, with a twat of a man he doesn't want to spend time with, he's liable to make things very difficult if he is forced to go, and there's somebody willing and able to let him stay with them if he doesn't go. This isn't exactly cracking the enigma code is it? The solution is the blindingly obvious one of letting him not go on the holiday, and it's only become a problem because your friend is insisting that he does go when it's clear that it's in nobody's interests for him to do so. Sure it's not a perfect solution but it's definitely the least bad one.

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 27/07/2025 08:05

Mum’s boyfriend is clearly the issue. Emotionally abusing him at the very least. Of course he doesn’t want to go on holiday with a man who takes the micky and puts him down. Why oh why do these women keep putting their new “partner” above their own child - I read about so many of them here. Poor kid.

Ilovegoldies · 27/07/2025 08:02

Hopefully he's not being abused. It is completely normal for some teenagers to hate holidays. The last holiday I took my 15 year old on he packed his Xbox and didn't leave the apartment.
He never holidayed with us again.

RubySquid · 27/07/2025 08:01

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Why though? What's the point of forcing somebody to go somewhere they dislike when there are other options.

Surely if nephew stays with Aunt hez happy and rest of family don't have to hear him moaning about heat/ boredom eyc

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 08:00

Well your friend needs to contact the mother, tell her where her son is and wait for the mother to decide what to do. She isn’t the parent here.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:57

Ohthatsabitshit · 27/07/2025 07:46

She’s NEVER been to his flat? Why not?

My friend - 'K' - has never been to his flat. The Mum has and has stayed there while K babysat etc.

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 27/07/2025 07:56

Of course he shouldn’t have to go, it is rather a fierce reaction though, I would be concerned about this as a Mum tbh.

user1492757084 · 27/07/2025 07:56

The kid sounds like he has anxiety.
He should seek some counselling remedies.

I would encourage his mother to take him on a weekend away to a destination where he wants to go.

Leave him home from the holiday.

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 07:54

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

Yes as a friend. This is not my nephew - I've only got a half-niece - and helping here as my friend 'K' is stressed and asked me too. She dreads conflict and quit FB a couple of times because of dramas that stress her. I'm just the conduit (I feel like her personal secretary at the moment with all this bloody typing I'm doing her behalf 😄). Her job requires minimal computer work but she still gets stressed doing just basic stuff on a keyboard. Luckily accommodations have been made for her & she likes her job.
As I said I've not met this guy. I've probably seen the lads Mum and his sisters at a party but they didn't particularly register with me.

OP posts:
goldfishbowl2025 · 27/07/2025 07:50

He has abused him, he bullies him. Poor boy. He shouldn’t have to go and spend 13 days with his bully.

PollyBell · 27/07/2025 07:50

So the mum is putting her bf above her children, i know it happens all the time doesn't make it right he should have the right to say no

Swipe left for the next trending thread