Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

This isn't bad behaviour you silly

In addition to what others have said I’m surprised that an almost 14 year old with 2 much younger siblings wasn’t invited into a discussion about where they all might like to go on holiday.
Based in the information so far I’m seeing a woman who is favouring her male partner and 2 younger children. The teen is being ignored to some extent by the mother and abused by the partner. People have alluded to abuse hinting at sexual/physical and we have already had clear emotional abuse and bullying described.
The teen knows he will be treated at best as a young child and his ‘stepfather’ will no doubt want to be the ‘manager’ of this holiday. Possibly it will be uncomfortable if the teen ‘inconveniences’ this man in anyway whilst sharing accommodation. Perhaps he might not want to eat at prescribed times for example or be in the bathroom when the man wants to be in there.
like pps I sadly have experience of having to share space with a new partner and it is not nice, I remember being shamed for using the toilet and feeling very uncomfortable. His mother should prioritise getting a message to him and asking if he’d like to stay with his aunt.

the friend needs to look at the bigger picture - it may be too late. Why is there such disregard and disrespect for this young lad?

This. If he’s pressured into going on holiday, he’ll have a miserable time and ruin it for everyone else too. A quiet time with an aunt he obviously trusts could be very helpful for him and perhaps give them a chance to talk through his problems. 👏to kind-hearted auntie.

Ah this poor kid - if I have understood correctly, you look at the timeline of things for him in the last 9 years (so from when he was 4/5) he has had so much change and a lot to cope with. Parents split 9 years ago, mum gets new partner 7 years ago, new sibling 6 years ago, then all the chaos and upheaval of the pandemic and then his father died 3 years ago. He lost a parent.

I have a 14 year old DC and even without any of these factors (except Covid obvs) life can be challenging and bewildering for them just due to growing up and experiencing strong emotions so goodness knows this young man must be struggling and he is expressing this in the clearest way he can, but it seems his mum isn't hearing it.

He cannot possibly be taken on the holiday, should stay with his aunt and then counselling should be arranged ASAP. If he is somehow made to go on the holiday I would be very concerned that he would run away again but this time in a place he is unfamiliar with posing far greater danger to his safety. I hope this is a wake up call to his family to start listening to him over his concerns regarding his mum's partner. What sort of person is bullying and belittling a child for their interests? Not a good one.

I am astonished that anyone would make a teen go on a holiday they don't want.
We have an autistic teen who won't travel, so he stays at home with grandparents.

Honestly gobsmacked that the mother thinks it is in anyone's interest to force a holiday on him, much less with a man who diminishes the son and his interests.

Sums it up for me. His mother can't force him to play happy families with someone he doesn't get on with.

It doesn't sound to me that boy has done anything wrong at all and if he wants to stay home with the aunt, the best thing is to let him. He is an otherwise reasonable person (it would be forgivable to not be reasonable at his age) and the boyfriend doesn't sound the greatest. There is nothing wrong with him having his opinion, sticking to it, having his boundaries etc. - these are all qualities that will support him in life. I'd support him.

The sister of the boy’s mum has never visited the flat, not the mum.

All devices removed for not wanting to go on a holiday that he doesn't enjoy with someone who bullies him? I should imagine if he's treated like this he will be running away from home at 16yrs or as soon as he can. He wouldn't be dictating anything if he was listened too and asked what he wanted when the holiday was booked, its meant to be fun not punishment. I don't think my 14yr old son should have to be grateful that I listen to him and book things with him in mind so that he also has a fun time. I just thought that was what you do as a parent.

Does the mum know where her son is? Not just has his word that he's safe?

After that... Going on holiday for 2 weeks to a place he doesn't like, cooped up in a room with someone he doesn't like, doesn't sound that great of a holiday. I wouldn't want to go either.

My young teen DS loved AI holidays where he got to stay in his own air conditioned room with his electronics and room service on tap. He came to dinner and on days out with us, which he enjoyed, but otherwise was allowed to get on with it. Would that be an option? Otherwise, I'd just let him stay with your friend.

I think if K is happy to have him, he should stay there - so it’s how K handles the situation with her sister.

he could be manipulative or he could be not.
well, he’s a teen!

all this talk about the mums boyfriend being abusive is awful. It’s often recommended not to bring another adult into teenage lives. The little girl misses out on her dad living with her but sounds like she sees him a lot and he financially provides for her fully. he wasn’t even on the holiday to a nearby place which the boy disliked.

Maybe what he thinks of banter the boy is sensitive to. But who always meshes absolutely perfectly?

I suggest this Mother follows this advice if she wants to permanently damage her relationship with her son. If that’s her goal, this is the winning post.

Ridiculing someone and putting them down, especially in the areas of their life they are most proud and passionate, is abuse. We’d recognize this is a partner did it to his girlfriend or wife, so why not if a twatty boyfriend ( who it appears rubs most people up the wrong way) does it to a child?

Good for this kid for standing up for himself and his just boundaries. No one else is doing so, not even his Mother, even though that’s her job.

They can't force him to go and it is ridiculous for them to even try. Even if they somehow drag him there he will be miserable and everyone's holiday will be ruined, not just his. Let him stay with his aunt.

I think it's entirely reasonable not to want to go to the southern Europe in August, nephew doesn't like hot weather and the heat is likely to be ferocious. Then there is the issue of the boyfriend belittling and bullying him, so it isn't really surprising he doesn't want to go.

I don’t see the drama.

He doesn’t want to go on holiday and aunty has offered to look after him.

Job done.

The BF is a massive bullying cunt, no fucking wonder the lad doesn't want to spend a fortnight trapped with him. Let the poor lad spend the time with his Auntie if she's happy to have him.

To be frank, the over the top teasing and the strength of the boy’s reaction scream abuse. I would do all you can to protect that poor child.

Poor kid. I don’t understand why people think his reaction is extreme. He’s being bullied by this man who mocks the things he loves and has passion for. By extension, this is mocking him. Would any of you spend two weeks living on holiday with a bullying co-worker like this? No, none of you would.

My Ex has autism and I have had to be extremely firm with him that he cannot criticism or call ‘rubbish’ the things our kids enjoy. If he does he will ruin his relationship with them. What he thinks of these things is irrelevant. They are allowed their own passions and our job is to support them.

I would not tolerant any boyfriend who treated my kids like that ( he would be or on his arse) let alone demand they spend two weeks on holiday with him.

Sorry, but this is on the Mother. She must know about the tensions. Her job is to protect her son from his bully, not demand he holidays with him.

As you suggest it’s very unlikely he’s been abused, it sounds like he just doesn’t want to go, and is the type of child to push boundaries. He needs to go on the holiday. He’s a child and can’t start dictating what he will and won’t do when it comes down to situations like this. People harbouring him at their home are just enabling his behaviour. His mother needs to sit down with him, one on one, and try to get to the bottom of his behaviour. Refusal to go on the holiday should be met with consequences. Ie all devices removed from him. Letting him get away with this is going to lead everyone down a hellish path, because the demands and bad behaviour will increase as he gets older.

So a bereaved 13 year old screaming out for a positive male role model is instead living with an abusive male arsehole and his Mum is wondering why he is bolting out the door at the prospect of being in forced close proximity with said arsehole in a foreign country.

If K is happy to have him and take the shit from nephew's Mum, I would have him. He needs warmth, love and understanding. Has he at least had some sort of therapy for his loss?

@LoopyLoo1991 what is "K"'s relationship with her sister like?

Would her sister listen and take advice from K?

K should present it to her that obviously the lad is reluctant and would spoil the holiday for the rest of the family who'd have a much more relaxing time without him.

If K is happy to have the nephew then all fine and well if Mum agrees.

I think K could certainly act as a mediator but I also think she must be concerned about the welfare of her nephew, he is vehemently opposed to going on the holiday, which of itself is quite an extreme reaction in such a young person, doesn't she think?

Although it puts K in a difficult and stressful position, she is able to offer an impartial solution, ultimately though, it will be her sister's decision.

There is absolutely no point dragging this boy on a holiday he's prepared to take drastic steps to avoid. No point whatsoever.

If his aunt is happy to have him, he should stay with her. Separately, the family should explore what has got them to the point where he is behaving like this - family dynamics, abuse by SD, undiagnosed ND or sensory needs which makes change difficult. I would ask him to write a letter explaining why he doesn't want to go on holiday.

@LoopyLoo1991 my friends son is like this. Literally won't leave Wales now he's a young man. Doesn't fly, trains nope. He's definitely dyslexic but mother suspects there's other ND issues Has a good job, just bought his first house but chooses to stay at home.

Let him stay at home. He doesn't like the heat, possibly has ND tendencies. He sounds like a nice boy. Let him dance to his own tune.

The boyfriend sounds an ass btw.

I think forcing a teen to go on a holiday you know there not going to enjoy isn't a holiday at all. IMO holidays should offer something for everyone, if last years didn't work you try something different the next year.

This. The BF is the issue not the destination. I was a child in this position. It’s awful how many parents behave like this. My DM always put her DP over the wellbeing of her DC. I will always resent her to a degree.

please don’t force this child to go away with this man. There is a reason his reaction is so strong.

If Aunt is happy to have him then I don't see what the problem is. Teen stays at home. Family go on holiday. Everyone gets what they want.
I think his mum needs to listen to him. He has explained he really doesn't want to go, has tried in the past with the previous holiday abroad,.so she should now respect his decision, especially as there is someone who sounds willing to take him while they are away so it's not like they are stuck for childcare.