Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

So, your friend needs to contact her sister today. The boy has already been away for 3 nights so mum must be worried sick. If your friend takes too long to make contact then it could sour the relationship.
Your friend shouldn't tell her sister what to do, but simply state that she understands that nephew doesn't want to go, and she would be happy to host him if that would help.

I’m with all responders who’re concerned about the BF and the lack of taking every1’s diff needs/desires into account. This all leads me to wonder if the poor lad hasn’t been helped to properly come past the death of his DF?

Why the major backlash from her sister? Is she general oppressive/my way or the high way to her children? She should allow her children some choices, at his age not consulting him at all is quite weird.

My last holiday with my parents was when I was 14 - I hated it.

Boyfriend is a pathetic twat, taking the piss out of a child.

It sounds like the BF is a bully, I wouldn't want to be trapped in a hot apartment with one either.

He should stay with your friend seeing as she is happy with this, he is old enough to decide he wants to do this.

Has she spoken to her sister and said he can stay with her? I think his mum would be relieved he isn’t going if he is going to behave like that

It's the mum's problem, not the aunt's. In the short term the mum should be grateful that the aunt is willing to have him so the rest of the family don't miss their holiday.

In the long term, the mum needs to think carefully about why her son is having such strong reaction to this holiday. It's quite normal for teenagers not to want to go on long family holidays - but he is still quite young and the strong reaction to the boyfriend concerns me somewhat.

I think that it's OP's friend that hasn't visited the flat, not her nephew's mum.

Given the nephew's age, likely all that K can do is talk with her sister and be very clear that she's genuinely happy and able to host the nephew for a bit if the sister agrees. Make sure the sister knows that it's not a burden, and perhaps present it as a way to take a bit of the stress off of the row over the holiday and a bit of a win-win situation. Sister goes on the planned holiday with her partner and two girls, nephew stays with K (as he's too young to stay home alone); everyone happy. I'd perhaps stress that this is a one-time solution to the current situation and once the holiday is over the sister and nephew are going to have to work through their issues and come to a compromise.

This is just a personal opinion but I think the children should have some say in choosing the family holiday destination; I wouldn't choose a place for a family holiday knowing that someone in the family actively disliked that place. Also the partner is an adult and can and should refrain from being unpleasant for a couple of weeks while everyone's living in close quarters. The nephew's behaviour also isn't great; he has worried his mother and probably his sisters and the part about burning his passport is idiotic, but that's not K's problem to handle.

If the sister insists that her son returns home, though, I think he has to go. If he does disclose that there is abuse going on, that might be a different matter. If that did turn out to be the case, would K be able to take him longer-term, or is there another relative that might?

Two weeks with a bullying twat who takes the piss out of the things I enjoy, in a strange place with nothing to do and weather that makes me miserable? Yeah, hard pass. I don't blame the kid. Even worse that that the bully is in a position of authority over the one being bullied, and more important to the mother who really ought to be be putting her foot down with the boyfriend. Hiding the passport and running away is an act of desperation and his mother needs to pay attention to what this is telling her.

1. Let the boy stay for 2 weeks, using the time to gently probe for reasons why he feels so strongly. Get on to SS if required.
2. Sell it to the Mum that they get a holiday in peace without a sulking teenager
3. Get your friend another job - if she dreads writing and typing, a school office is no place for her to work. Every day must be a nightmare for her.

As others have said, if the aunt is happy for him to stay then that’s the obvious solution.
I’m a bit miffed that his mum is trying to force him to go when he very clearly wouldn’t enjoy it and is seemingly putting the boyfriend - that doesn’t even live with them - above the wellbeing of her child who has fairly recently lost his father, especially as he mocks and teases the boy. Why would anyone tolerate that?!
I think the boy’s mum needs to take a good long hard look at what her son is experiencing here.

Have had a teen refuse to come on holidays or come on holidays and refuse to leave their room/ been an absolute nightmare.

He sounds determined and nobody wins in a battle of wills.

It sounds like he and aunt would enjoy a holiday together, mum and bf can have theirs.

Longer term, Mum needs to consider why she is with a man who bullies her son to the point he doesn’t want to spend time with the family.

Booking holidays with older kids you need to take into consideration their needs and interests. Aside from the bf, if he doesn’t like hot holidays look at somewhere cooler to go. if it’s about boredom consider inviting a friend. If it’s about independence look at a place where they can walk to a few things by themselves. If you pick something / somewhere they want to go they’re more likely to come and enjoy it.

(All good with me and teen now btw)

Sounds absolutely shit, I wouldn’t want to go either. The mum needs to make appropriate arrangements for the son and let him stay at home. There is absolutely no reason why the poor kid should be forced to spend time with this nasty bully just because his mum is shagging him. He’s tried one holiday and hated it.

I’d let him stay for as long as he needs to.

I understand the mum doesn't want her son controlling the whole household but I rather admire the boy's organisation. If the aunt could broker a meeting (or even a video call) between them, would they both stay calm and listen to each other?

It's not much fun holidaying with a grumpy teenager and he may not have anything in common with his two younger sisters. Would the holiday destination allow for him to go off and do his own thing? Would he have his own room - not sleeping in the living area? Is there any kind of family holiday that he would be willing to join (different location, no bf, activity, shorter duration)?

I don't think the mum can physically force him to go but she may need to feel that she's at least in charge of the decision. The bf needs to stop being a prat to the boy and mum should challenge him every time. Teenager needs to find a way to communicate, without running away and putting himself at risk

So the question really is how does your friend tell her sister that the boy is staying with her. Find a neutral space, be clear and non confrontational and say how it’ll work. It’s normal for teenagers to do this.

This. I hated family holidays at that age, though they were exactly the same holidays we'd always been on, I loved my parents and they were not abusive. I didn't think of refusing to go until a bit older when I had important exams coming up. I negotiated with them and stayed with my grandparents instead.

We don’t know the full situation. We’re getting the information third hand from OP, who clearly only has her friend’s version of a young teen’s summary of events. Without having all the information from all parties, we can’t take what a young teen says at face value. Children will be economical with the truth when trying to get their own way.

Yeah the experience of going on a holiday with a stepfather who sees you as an inconvenience is a 0/10 would not recommend experience.

I remember we were all on a hike, I was 17, and my mom and her partner went ahead and didn't even make sure I was ok. Then I got yelled at when I went back to the car and they didn't know where I was.

When I would ask if we could please stop to look at something I would get yelled at. Everything I did was wrong. Never went on holiday with them again.

I agree with this solution too.
I had a similar situation with a young relative last year who refused to go away with his family and stayed with me instead. He explained it to me as when they’re overseas he’s more reliant on his family, staying in same place and doesn’t understand transport and currency so well so he couldnt escape them if he needed to and this made him more anxious.
It’s probably a similar issue with this young lad and not being isolated abroad with them should be respected. It doesn’t mean the abuse has been awful or criminal necessarily just enough to make him feel worried if he can’t get away from “banter” etc for a few hours because he’s much more dependent on them in that country.

This!

Your friend contacts the child’s mother - tells her where her son is, that he doesn’t want to go on the holiday, that it seems her boyfriend is unpleasant to him and that the nephew is welcome to stay there instead of going on the holiday.

Then she steps back and lets the mother be a mother.

This is different (because of the nasty boyfriend) but my friends 13 year old ‘refused’ to go on a family holiday. She just didn’t want to leave her friends and do ‘boring stuff’. I really felt for the friend - it’s one thing saying a child shouldn’t be forced to go on holiday but if no one else can look after them then the other side of that is mam, dad and 2 other children who desperately DO want to go on holiday and can’t because one child says no!

this - he doesn't want to go so would ruin the holiday if forced to. He has been offered a safe solution would make sense to take it. He just needs his mum to discuss the way this has escalated - although to be fair its likely he felt powerless / not listened to so changes need to be made on both sides.

All behaviour is communication. I'd be concerned about him

Poor kid. Mum doesn't encourage a relationship with Dad. Dad dies, so no opportunity to reconnect later. Mum expects boy to play happy families with a man who bullies him. What could possibly go wrong ?

So his mum's new boyfriend emotionally abuses him, and he refuses to spend a holiday in close quarters to him in a destination he already knows he dislikes.

His aunt is a responsible adult and happy to have him.

I think the immediate solution is obvious. He should stay with his aunt.

Long term though this poor lad. His dad has died young, and his mum has had another child with a man who emotionally abuses him. 😢 I'm glad his aunt can be there for him.

Another of those women who picks a shit man over her kids. The holiday isn’t the issue, it’s the arsehole boyfriend. I’d suggest she rethinks her plans and prioritises her son.