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Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:23

nomas · 27/07/2025 11:16

Who is School mate? Who is School mum?

Why isn’t the nephew staying with his aunt?

Glad it’s all resolved!

Schoolmate has been friends with nephew since primary school (K's not sure) and Schoolmum has known Nephew since they became friends - about eight years? She's on the PTA apparently and no nonsense type. Probably best person to talk sense into Nephew's Mother tbh.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/07/2025 11:22

Good result

nomas · 27/07/2025 11:16

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:12

Update:
Nephew has spoken to schoolmate and Schoolmate's Mother. Schoolmum has talked to (read shouted at) Nephew's Mum - they know eachother - and confirmed the situation is ridiculous. Schoolmum, K & K's Husband and will supervise Nephew while the other four are off on holiday. Drama over hopefully.

K and her sister don't have a particularly close relationship. K is self admittedly non confrontational and needs someone to hold her hand in times like this - thus I was roped in ...

K thanks everyone with the suggestions and posts. She likes outside conformation and ideas as she gets very hesitant about stuff like this.

Mentions that K's Nephew might be neurodivergent may well be correct. My partner has Asperger's and a couple of things between the two of them are very similar. I should get the two of them to chat sometime, as DP is a good judge if a kids on the spectrum. Obviously a professional is need for confirmation etc.
Thanks everyone.

Edited

Who is School mate? Who is School mum?

Why isn’t the nephew staying with his aunt?

Glad it’s all resolved!

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:12

Update:
Nephew has spoken to schoolmate and Schoolmate's Mother. Schoolmum has talked to (read shouted at) Nephew's Mum - they know eachother - and confirmed the situation is ridiculous. Schoolmum, K & K's Husband and will supervise Nephew while the other four are off on holiday. Drama over hopefully.

K and her sister don't have a particularly close relationship. K is self admittedly non confrontational and needs someone to hold her hand in times like this - thus I was roped in ...

K thanks everyone with the suggestions and posts. She likes outside conformation and ideas as she gets very hesitant about stuff like this.

Mentions that K's Nephew might be neurodivergent may well be correct. My partner has Asperger's and a couple of things between the two of them are very similar. I should get the two of them to chat sometime, as DP is a good judge if a kids on the spectrum. Obviously a professional is need for confirmation etc.
Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 27/07/2025 11:07

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 27/07/2025 06:34

How long has mum been with the boyfriend and why is this lad showing such a strong reaction to spending time with him?

If his aunt is happy to have him then he should stay with her.

Edited

This.

Pinty · 27/07/2025 10:53

I think staying with the Aunt is best option. As she seems happy to have him.
Obviously there is an issue between him and his step father and making him go on holiday when she is so determined not to go isn't going to make it improve

Velmy · 27/07/2025 10:48

LondonPapa · 27/07/2025 07:39

The solution is Mum’s BF, who has clearly abused him, is prevented from going on holiday with the boy. Let him stay behind as it’ll be safer.

As a ‘friend’ how can you write this all up, and not see the Mum’s BF is the issue?

A teenager kicking off because they don't want to go on holiday is not a sign that they're 'clearly abused'. What a ridiculous leap.

LlynTegid · 27/07/2025 10:44

Kate8889 · 27/07/2025 10:03

Another thought: if bf is living apart from them, are we sure he doesn't have another family who will think he's on a "work trip" during this holiday? I know if I was 14 and found out something like that, it would make me want to stay far far away from the person.

I have to say that crossed my mind too that the 'partner' was married or in another relationship.

That does not change my opinion one bit that the DS should not go. As for threats to make a scene at the airport, I would not describe them as that, given his actions so far. I would be almost 100% certain that is what he would do if he ever got as far as the UK airport they are flying from, though probably the passport would be burned beforehand.

nomas · 27/07/2025 10:35

I feel for the lad. I love the sun but my husband and a good friend hate the heat too. He shouldn’t be forced to go when there’s an option for him to stay with his aunt.

dontgetmestartedwillu · 27/07/2025 10:28

@LoopyLoo1991 The BF sounds like a real prat but I wonder if this boy is neurodivergent?

You mention he doesn't like hot weather (I know a lot of people who don't but not that common to be so staunchly against at that age I think) and 'independent'. Teens with sensory issues can have such strong, visceral reactions to things like the weather, places etc. I remember running away from an aunt I stayed with over the summer hols (who I loved) because she snored so loudly! There was no convincing me to stay so I think some kids can be very stubborn.

I wonder whether this is creating a perfect storm - what with the horrible bf - obviously best to let the sister have him while the rest go on holiday.

Then the woman should chuck the bf - he sounds ghastly!

Maray1967 · 27/07/2025 10:27

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:55

Highly unlikely. BF didn't go on the last Mediterranean holiday. The Nephew still hates it as he was bored the whole time and he dislikes hot weather etc. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or it just irritates him. I'll check in later, as me & my friend are in the middle of a journey.

I have a lot of sympathy with the boy here. My DS17 doesn’t like heat and has hay fever. He didn’t cope wonderfully well in Spain before Covid, so we have not done that type of holiday since. We’ve done road trips/city breaks in Germany, Scandinavia, Scotland. This year we are in the Mediterranean but are cruising and we’ve been on several boat trips so we’re avoiding still heat and pollen. We discussed it with him in advance and he was happy about going. Why is the mother booking the type of holiday that her son can’t cope with?

If I was your friend I’d take him for the holiday period and I’d be telling my sister that she was ill advised to book that type of holiday. The bloke sounds like an idiot. Why on earth is he mocking his step-son’s interests and why is the boy’s mother allowing this?

Hermiaxx · 27/07/2025 10:26

I took in a teenager in similar circumstances (friend of DS2 so no relation!). He ended up staying for over six months. I have no regrets and would do it again in a heartbeat! Some men are vile and some teenagers need protection, please give it if you can 💐

user9064385631 · 27/07/2025 10:17

I wouldn’t want to go on holiday for two weeks with someone I didn’t like. Let him stay home with the aunt, presuming she’s happy to have him.
Quite impressed with his taking the passport, he’s obviously thought it through!
Losing a parent as a child is a big deal, you can’t expect him to be on tip top form after such a short time.

Cherrytree86 · 27/07/2025 10:16

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/07/2025 08:21

Your friend needs to listen to her son. This is also my 14yr old son who doesn't really like the hot weather, doesn't really do sitting around by a pool (lots of people don't), he doesn't want to share a room with any of us (fair enough) and that's without a BF coming along who takes the piss out of him so I can't imagine the push back if I brought a BF like a long who behaved like that.

This year I have really listened to him. We have done a weekend in Rome (seen all the big sights as he's interested in History) and next we will go on a Eurocamp type holiday where he can have his own room , its in Brittany so cooler temp wise - which is a weird step back for me as I said I didn't want to do it again but it suits us all this year so needs must.

I think he's reaction is extreme TBH, something is triggering that and you should be ask why and where is it coming from. Even if a teen doesn't like the sounds of a holiday, this isn't normal behaviour. Why isn't your friend addressing it.

Edited

@aCatCalledFawkes

the Brittany eurocamp doesn’t seem to suit you though
?

Balloonhearts · 27/07/2025 10:14

So cliff notes, his mum is insisting he go on holiday with a complete arsehole who bullies him and you're looking for ways to force him to go?

Hell no! Let him stay home with a friend so someone and point out to his mum in robust terms that she is priorising her relationship over the welfare of her child.

I'm not surprised he's run off. So would I. Doesn't sound like anyone is listening to him or caring if they do.

Flyswats · 27/07/2025 10:11

The BF is emotionally abusive. That's abuse as far as child protective services are concerned. He doesn't need to be bashing him for it to be considered "abuse".

I would call SS and get this kid out of the situation, either living with his aunt or in foster care.

SilverHammer · 27/07/2025 10:10

Let the boy stay with his Aunt. I stopped holidaying with my parents at 14. I just didn't enjoy the sort of holidays they went on.

BlueandPinkSwan · 27/07/2025 10:03

Scarydinosaurs · 27/07/2025 07:03

It’s such an extreme reaction. Is he often attention seeking in other areas too? What is behind the hatred of hot weather? You said sensory - has he burnt before?

The threats of making a fuss at the airport could land HIM in prison for wasting police time. But why would he want to upset his family so much?

There is a lot going on here - and it’s more than just the holiday.

FFS, 13 going 14 year olds do not get sent to prison in the UK stop being so dramatic. 🙄

Kate8889 · 27/07/2025 10:03

Another thought: if bf is living apart from them, are we sure he doesn't have another family who will think he's on a "work trip" during this holiday? I know if I was 14 and found out something like that, it would make me want to stay far far away from the person.

MikeRafone · 27/07/2025 10:02

Why on earth would anyone want to go on a holiday abroad with a 13 year old that is completely agains the idea?

The 13 year old hasn't had any input on the holiday arrangements so hasn't been Abe to voice his concerns about the heat and boredom before hand. Going away now he is going to be miserable and will spoil the holiday for everyone, even if he behaves there is going to be an element of egg shells

to find an alternative for the duration of the holiday of somewhere where he can stay in safely and be ok is surely the solution - its no giving in to his demands its realising that he wasn't consulted about the "family" holiday and therefore its not actually a family holiday

The mother could do well to learn from this and make compromises in future

I hated one holiday I went on with my parents and requested the following year to stay at home, my grandparents came to stay so I was safe at home and my parents had a good holiday without me.

in later life I went on several holidays with my father and we had a lot of fun, but by then we both wanted different things from a holiday and they happened to be the same things

Swiftie1878 · 27/07/2025 09:58

I think when a normally nice lad has such a strong reaction to a situation, he has to be listened to and respected!
Your friend needs to talk to him about his strong feelings and what has caused them. And he must not be forced to go on the holiday.

MumWifeOther · 27/07/2025 09:58

Poor boy. Still grieving his dad and now being forced to play happy families with his mums new bf. I would let him stay with me. In a different scenario would be different.

BlueRin5eBrigade · 27/07/2025 09:52

Your friend needs to call her sister and tell her where the child is. I imagine she's going out of her mind with worry. If I was your friend I'd suggest that her nephew stays with her for the duration of the holiday. I'd he goes he's going to ruin it for everyone anyway. Although, it's entirely up to his mum. I's hard because I wouldn't want to reward such shit behaviour.

Ammina · 27/07/2025 09:49

Your friend needs to position herself outside of this. Not taken sides, let the mum do the parenting as PP have said. She should not keep secrets from the mum or promise to do so. We can't make these promises when safeguarding children. And she should take care to stay neutral in her conversations with DS. Tell the mum nephew is welcome with her (if indeed he is) but leave the decision making all with the mum.

Amazing aunty-ing to be prepared to take him for 2 weeks at the drop of a hat. But hopefully the mum will find a different solution. At the very least she could shorten her holiday.

Sassybooklover · 27/07/2025 09:47

Essentially you have a teen, who dislikes his Mum's boyfriend. A man who visits the family home but has him own flat that he lives in, the majority of the time. At home the young lad can escape this man, and probably keeps out of his way as much as possible. Being in an apartment or hotel room with a man, he doesn't like, for him is intolerable. The being bored on the last holiday and disliking the heat may be a small factor, but the real reason is that he dislikes this man. He doesn't want to tell his Mum the real reason because he knows it will upset her and blow their lives apart. To be perfectly honest your friend should have realised a very long time ago, that her son didn't like her boyfriend. I'll bet my bottom dollar, that there's been signs, that she either hasn't seen or doesn't want to see. She needs to recognise that her boyfriend is mean to her son, and is bullying him because he can, and being a child he's an easy target. She needs to stand up for her son, which is doubtful she's been doing. It's not rocket science, the lad is deeply unhappy, he's run off before - happy children don't run away from home. Children don't behave like this for no reason, behaviour is a communication. Yes, the lad should stay with his Aunt, if she's happy to have him. However, your friend needs a long chat with her sister, because this situation isn't going to improve.

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