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Young teen refusing to holiday abroad. Any suggested solutions?

188 replies

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 06:27

Not me but a good friend's nephew is camping out at her house to avoid the situation at his home.

His mother and her boyfriend - who doesn't live with them - have paid for a two week holiday in Southern Europe. Nephew wasn't consulted and hated the last holiday to a nearby holiday destination when he was ten. His younger sister and his half sister - his mum's & boyfriend's child - are happy to go.
He is adamant he's not, has taken his passport and hidden it outside their home. No threats or bribes were working on him. He left his family home on Thursday with a bag and turned up on my friend's doorstep unannounced. He's spoken to his mother once to confirm he's okay then blocked her, removed the battery from his phone so he can't tracked and spent the night on the sofa.
He's apparently run away before a couple of years back and was returned by a family friend two days later, so this behaviour isn't a one off.

My friend, her husband - who he gets on with - myself and a couple of others have talked to him. He won't return home unless he's told he's not going and his ticket is cancelled. He's also threatening to burn his passport or if they did manage to drag him to the airport, would make a scene & claim mum's boyfriend was smuggling stuff so none of them would get on the plane.
My friend is badly dyslexic and dreads writing and typing, so posting this to help her out.
The lad is nice and normally friendly - met him at barbecues and parties before - but says he's not being stuck in same apartment with his Mum's BF those thirteen days. His father died a few years back so staying with him isn't an option. My friend would put him up as it's school holidays and she works at a school office but expects major backlash from her sister if she did.
So we're stump as they are meant to be flying out in less than three weeks.

Any possible solutions Mumsnetters?

OP posts:
LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 20:06

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 12:34

If the mum is dyslexic than the lad might be ND too, it generally runs in families. If he's ND he might really struggle with the heat and just going away in general. DS is ND and doesn't like holidays generally or the heat.

I think him staying with the aunt makes perfect sense.

My friend K is the dyslexic one. That's why I posted for her. I can type eight times faster than I can.
Nephew's mother is not dyslexic as far as K knows.
Nephew does appear to have a couple of ND traits. These are mild and he's sociable in his peer group and there's zero issues at his school that we gather. He's a complete animal geek - self labelled - and because I used to work on a horse farm, we'll chat for ages about what I did there and his plans for working with animals.
This isn't an unruly teen lad from what I've seen.

OP posts:
LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 19:58

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/07/2025 12:18

@LoopyLoo1991 the lad is old enough to have a voice .
If he doesn’t want to go why is he “being forced” ?
I wouldn’t tell the lad to go back home.
Id say he can stay with me . Surely the mum would be happy eh is safe and happy .
If not is that because the step parent is controling and believes the lad should do as he is told .

I agree. Speaking to him on Saturday he's polite and has manners. As others have said - and I'm to agree - his Mother's BF seems intimidating at times condescending. Not just to the Nephew but his Aunt's husband as well. K's Husband just confirmed this.
So the nephew is staying at least one more night at K's place and plans made tomorrow. I'm off home so won't be around due to work this week. I'll update if any more happens. K once again thanks everyone and will read the posts when she's not busy. Her husband is grateful for posters help and as having some sort of sounding board for this tricky situation 👍

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 27/07/2025 16:56

Your friend's sister sounds like a really poor mother.

She allows her partner bully her child.

Her child is also 13 with signs of being ND and hasn't received any help or support to date.

Poor child probably hasn't received bereavement counselling either.

I think your friend really needs to get over her live of non confrontation as somebody somewhere needs to start advocating for this child.

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 14:15

HunnyPot · 27/07/2025 12:44

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies

Why does she want to go on holiday with a man who treats her son this way. Good on the son for sticking up for himself and setting a boundary.

I quite agree, poor boy.

I'm delighted it is all sorted but his mum needs to have a good think about her boyfriend.

HunnyPot · 27/07/2025 12:44

Mum's BF is very opinionated and taken the mickey of the nephew's art projects and hobbies

Why does she want to go on holiday with a man who treats her son this way. Good on the son for sticking up for himself and setting a boundary.

Sapphire1122 · 27/07/2025 12:39

Good to hear it’s been sorted. I think 14 ish is a classic age for some teens to not want to go on family holidays. You are no longer a young child but not an adult, but often still treated as if more a child!

I was 14 when I went on last family holiday and only went due to my mum promising it would be the last, which it was. No abuse, but sitting in a tin can (caravan!) in a wet field in Wales with a family that argued constantly and a dad that snored (so no sleep) was hell. My mum was glad to knock them on the head, no one enjoyed them.

Our family had no one to leave me with and no money for sending me off on a PGL type thing, if they even existed back in the seventies!

When I look back, it was the fear of being trapped and not able to escape from it, either to my own room or to friends.

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 12:34

Glad out is sorted in the short term but this does need investigating further. This is a lot more than teenage stropiness. Would K contact her nephews school and give some information to the designated safeguarding lead?

Someone needs to find out if there is anything deeper and advocate for this boy.

Tia247 · 27/07/2025 12:34

If the mum is dyslexic than the lad might be ND too, it generally runs in families. If he's ND he might really struggle with the heat and just going away in general. DS is ND and doesn't like holidays generally or the heat.

I think him staying with the aunt makes perfect sense.

BigDayForTheWomen · 27/07/2025 12:20

Not managing high temperatures is a good reason for the boy refusing the holiday even without relationship issues. It's sensible of him to find a way of staying at home and will be probably better for everyone if he stays. I hated family hols as a teenager and my parents sensibly stopped arranging them after I was 15. They went on their own after that and relationships at home improved.

Imbusytodaysorry · 27/07/2025 12:18

@LoopyLoo1991 the lad is old enough to have a voice .
If he doesn’t want to go why is he “being forced” ?
I wouldn’t tell the lad to go back home.
Id say he can stay with me . Surely the mum would be happy eh is safe and happy .
If not is that because the step parent is controling and believes the lad should do as he is told .

sashh · 27/07/2025 12:10

Thunderpants88 · 27/07/2025 06:38

Has he been abused by the Bf?

He is being abused by the bf by taking the piss out of his art and hobbies. That's just nasty from an adult to a child.

I stopped going on holiday with my parents as soon as I could, I also don't like heat.

My agreement with my parents was that my grandmother would move in to keep an eye on me and my brother (if he was there).

I have just seen the update, it sounds like a good solution.

dynamiccactus · 27/07/2025 12:05

Jumpthewaves · 27/07/2025 07:00

If it really is just that he doesn't want to go because he'll be bored and hot then tough luck, he should be going. It's if there's something more that really needs checking.

Does he need to go if his aunt is happy to have him?

I hate hot weather and I wouldn't go to a hot country in July/August. I can't see why you'd force a teen to go if they didn't need to. No doubt they'll be whining if it's 40 degrees and they can't do anything.

And I can totally see why he might not want to go with his mum's full of himself boyfriend too.

He might be being overdramatic but if there's a solution then take it.

I wouldn't have booked a trip that I knew my son would hate when he was 13.

LBFseBrom · 27/07/2025 11:56

BabyCatFace · 27/07/2025 06:33

If his aunt wants to have him for those 2 weeks then they should all let him stay. There is a lot more going on than a holiday but now is not the time to draw battle lines. Let the child stay home and work out what's going on after the holiday.

I agree. He is showing a lot of courage, I admire that! I wish I had been so resolute at such a young age.

Branleuse · 27/07/2025 11:52

I suspect that tensions have been higher with the mothers partner as the lad has got into adolescence, whilst the partners own child is still small and cute and more compliant. If thats the case, it will be stressful for the boy, and especially if the boy really really wants his own dad to guide him.

If the mother doesnt be careful and make sure shes sticking up for her own son and including him in decisions that affect him, then the risk is that she will lose her relationship with her son, and the partner wont mind that at all.

I think they need to show the child the basic respect appropriate to his age and make sure he is included in choosing a holiday he wants to go on, and to sort out where he can stay on the ones he doesnt want to go to.

The mother needs to back off her son and apologise. She also needs to be so grateful to the other schoolmum.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/07/2025 11:50

autienotnaughty · 27/07/2025 06:58

He shouldn’t be forced to go. Aunt is kind to have him.
Mum needs to think about why she’s choosing to be in a relationship with a man who her son doesn’t like and treats her son poorly.

This ^. The bf sounds like an ignorant, macho bully.

aCatCalledFawkes · 27/07/2025 11:48

Cherrytree86 · 27/07/2025 10:16

@aCatCalledFawkes

the Brittany eurocamp doesn’t seem to suit you though
?

It's an ok holiday. My kids get the beach, a pool with slides, a bedroom each and its reasonably priced. We did Rome at the start of the July, that was fabulous but expensive so I'm happy to take an option I know quite well. I need to think of a new idea for next year though .......

LoopyLoo1991 · 27/07/2025 11:47

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:33

This is EXACTLY what I thought. Why is this boy so adamant that he won't be stuck in an apartment with this man for 13 days? And why did he run away before?

He ran away before due to a blazing row with his mum about something getting broken. Went into the communal garden which is fenced in to cool off. Instead he exited through a neighbours place and hung out with someone's grandparents. Lots of kids around so an extra wasn't noticed. He was found asleep behind a sofa the next morning and driven home. The grandparents are good people & have known K and her sister's family two decades.

OP posts:
Zellycat · 27/07/2025 11:43

A lot of kids are bored & unhappy on holidays that parents think are great.

Bored with sun, pool and lounger all day, no friends. Obnoxious other kids. And he is probably expected to supervise younger kids while the adults do adult stuff. The a-hole mum BF is the icing on the cake.

The parent should obviously let him stay with safe person. Not make a deal about it.

Strong feeling that they want him to be the child-minder while mum & BF have a holiday.

vickylou78 · 27/07/2025 11:40

The mother of the boy should be putting him first!!! He's already lost his father, he needs love. He should be put first over a sodding holiday.

Holiday should be cancelled in my mind. And they should perhaps book somewhere that isn't as hot and leave bf at home.

Theroadt · 27/07/2025 11:37

Why on earth do people in second partnerships assume they can foist the new family onto their own in a happy tranquil “blend” and steamroller their kids’ feelings like this. I think his aunt is lovely sheltering him - would she be prepared to givd him a home? His current one sounds pretty toxic, poor lad

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:35

The drama is NOT over for the boy. I am glad he's not being forced to go on holiday and would be very very worried about why he had such a strong reaction to spending so much time with the boyfriend.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 27/07/2025 11:33

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 27/07/2025 06:31

I would be asking more questions about the boyfriend. Why does this child have just a strong reaction to spending a week with him?

You can’t force someone to do something they really don’t want to do. I think him staying with his aunt would be the better option.

This is EXACTLY what I thought. Why is this boy so adamant that he won't be stuck in an apartment with this man for 13 days? And why did he run away before?

drspouse · 27/07/2025 11:31

I am glad this has been resolved.
I am normally one for not letting children dictate family decisions but we have also had very good and very bad holidays depending on how much the DCs (one of whom has ADHD) were enjoying it. We tried one Christmas at my DPs and the DCs asked to have Christmas at home in the future and we agreed. No abuse or particularly unrealistic expectations, just so we could enjoy it more. A holiday has to be a holiday for everyone.

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 27/07/2025 11:25

Glad there has been a sensible resolution.

I do wonder if his dad dieing and him having visited this particular area before are connected given he was 10 and his dad died 3 years ago. Add on a male taking the mick constantly then no wonder he's had such a strong reaction.

Eeriefairy · 27/07/2025 11:25

My DH and his brother were so adamant they didn’t want to be babysat by a particular young woman they managed to lock her out of the house. Their mum gave them a massive telling off for locking the babysitter out. Never bothered to ask why they were so against her, just assumed they were naughty boys. She was sexually abusing them both.

It’s unusual for a kid to behave this way so this and the fact that he has run away before would be red flags for me. Who knows what the boyfriend might have said to keep the kid quiet.

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