To hate holidays with inlaws

I'm in a similar situation it's complicated by having kids and wanting to spend holiday with them.

YANBU

Loads of posts saying the same thing - DON'T GO and yet you fail to address that as an option on your updates. I agree with the above poster, grow a backbone and refuse to go on the next one. Your DH gets to have his traditional family holiday, your kids get to have fun with their cousins and you don't have to spend any time with those miserable in-laws.

Will they be annoyed you are going away on your own, visiting your family, can't get away from work - so what, what's the worse they can do, not talk to you? They are already blank you. If your DH complains tell him he is as culpable as his in-laws, for letting them treat you like this for 13 years.

Start planning next year's holiday for you.

You do seem resigned to being the victim in this situation, so there's not much advice people can give.

If you do go you won't enjoy it and there'll be friction, if you don't go you won't enjoy it and there'll be friction.

You seem to have decided that the second choice would be worse.

Unless there's more too this and you're just as bad as each other, there's a simple solution here...don't go.

You've been making the effort for years, you're not enjoying it and it's not going to change. Tell him you're not going on the next one, it's causing you stress when it should be relaxing and take yourself away somewhere instead.

Ideally he'll go with you, but make sure he knows that he doesn't have to and you're not making him choose. That's beyond reasonable.

It'll likely cause a bit of agro with his family, but you'll have to put yourself first at some point. You can't keep doing something that's making you miserable, and your husband shouldn't expect you to.

If he's not willing to listen to how you feel and have your back, you have a bigger issue.

They blank you on holiday but they’re hurt by you not going on holiday?

They blank you on holiday but your DP is angry that you don’t want to go.

They blank you on holiday but you want to please them.

Not trying to write a poem here, but these things aren’t right OP.

So what do you want from this thread, you seem to have concluded that you have to go because doing otherwise will upset your husband kids so you might as well suck it up and accept it as your life for the feasible future.

The alternative is grow a backbone and tell your husband you wouldn't be going anymore and he is free to take the kids or if you want a compromise maybe every other year or something but also you need to ready to stand by your decision irrespective of how angry he gets.

And you have a massive DH problem here, are you scared of him or dependent on him financially?

I don't see any vote but I would vote YABU because you're an adult and should not allow yourself to be bullied into doing something you don't want especially when his sister doesn't like you and yet you spend every vacation at her whim. If you have stood up for yourself years ago and set boundaries you wouldn't be here today but the longer you allow shit like that to happen the harder it is to stop because it becomes the norm and expectation.

Do you get other holidays as well OP?

It sounds like you're there and hating it and that has spurred you into action. But there's no point arguing about while you're on holiday. You need to leave and make your own way home or suck it up (nod and smile when you have to and join in what you need to for the sake of your kids but go off and do your own thing when you can, retire to your room and read or watch something on your phone at every opportunity, etc.). However, unless there is something your DH should be doing and isn't, complaining while you're there just ruins everyone else's holiday too. You need to hold your ground before the holiday and refuse to go.

If you have other holidays too, then let DH take the kids on this IL trip, while you go off and do something by yourself - maybe a vacation with friends if you can afford it or, if money is an issue, a staycation where you get in all your favourite foods and binge TV you don't normally get time for.

If this is the only holiday you can afford and there's no chance of having them change things so you will enjoy it too, I would insist on something different every other year and let him and the kids go on the off years (since he and the kids love it).

Sounds like she’s doing all the emotional labour of organising stuff. I’d be tempted to let her know you want to do your own thing and let her off the hook.

You need to calmly tell your husband how his family is making you feel and see what he does

If it’s nothing then I would tell him you are not spending your precious holiday with a family that treats you so badly and one he is prepared to allow to treat you so badly. He and the kids can go on their own and you will go back to work and take the holiday some other time

i would also add the parting shot that you will also be taking the time to reevaluate your relationship as he is not prepared to support you and deal with his family treating you so badlyn

I had a similar situation at in-laws then I stopped going. My Sil also acts like the boss of family and not interested in conversation with me. I felt isolated too. I stopped making efforts with her.

MN is the only place where I have come across where people holidya with the inlaws. Your husband can go with the kids or you can do your own thing wither with the kids or without them.

Absolutely fuck that! Tell your h in future he can go with the dcs but you’re not bring subjected to this anymore

It's right there in the OP.

Yes but clearly you're not a people person if you don't even want to holiday with you're own parents. I've been on plenty of family holidays and it's lovely, and lovely for the children mostly to spend time with their family. The SIL doesn't sound very nice though, so there probably needs to be a conversation about what the problem is and if OP is made to feel unwelcome she'll stop coming. Relationships are a two way thing.

It absolutely isn't "just part" of having in-laws! I know very few people who holiday with their in-laws! Hell, I have no interest in holidaying with my parents - and we get on well. I'm happy to see them, but I don't want to holiday with them, and I wouldn't expect my partner to want to holiday with them either!
Sadly one of my sisters is experiencing this horror at the moment: her mother in law is inviting herself on holiday with my sister and her husband all the time. It's maddening. And, unfortunately, she didn't put her foot down from the get go so it's just become a "regular" occurrence.

Stop going on holiday with these people! Life is too short! Make arrangements to go on holiday somewhere else for just you, your husband, and whoever else you want to holiday with and do that. If your husband still wants to go on holiday with them then so be it - but there's nothing to say you have to go too. Either have a staycation while he is away with them or go do something else - I would suggest learning to scuba dive and going on a diving holiday somewhere warm and delightful. Learning to dive has been one of the best things I've ever done - and there are loads of diving holidays where people show up by themselves from all kinds of backgrounds - often they have spouses and the partner just doesn't like diving or have any interest. Give it a whirl - find your own things to enjoy doing.

I never understand why people go on holiday with extended family. The mere thought of it sends a shiver down my spine.

I wouldn’t entertain it under any circumstances. If you’re mad enough to do it then I’m afraid you have to bear the consequences.

I’d rather have no holidays than one with extended family.

They blank you?

Fuck that. Don’t go anymore!

He deserves to enjoy a holiday with his family too. As long as it doesn't take up the whole time I don't see the issue, that's just part of having family and in laws

"I told my husband I cant stand it. He is furious and says its my problem and my bad attitude is ruining the holiday."

So - you have a husband problem.

"Yes they basically all blank me, I feel so isolated around them. Im like an invisible passenger"

And your husband is OK with that? Does he pretend he doesn't see it?

I love my in-laws to bits but holidays with them would be my idea of hell! Your husbands attitude is awful.