To hate holidays with inlaws

What a weird response. How on earth does not wanting to go on holiday with your parents equate to not being a people person.

if anything I’d argue the opposite is true. Those who do everything with extended family are usually insular and much more limited socially.

I’d imagine it’s a vicious circle, you’re hating it and always have done… the In laws will be well aware of this. They will be fed up of this, so therefore moody with you, you’re then moody with them. And the circle keeps on going.
You either don’t go… or you just suck it up and make the best of it when you are there

Options:

1. DH takes kids and you do your own thing. Lovely relaxing holiday alone by the beach sounds perfect.
2. Go alternate years and you pick the holiday when you don’t go.
3. Go for a shorter amount of time.
4. Go but spend the majority of time doing your own thing.

But ultimately, your DH sounds like a bit of a dick if he doesn’t see how isolating his family are towards you and how these annual holidays make you feel.

Sod that!
”dh I’ll pass this year thanks, you go and take the kids, enjoy”
you have a peaceful week to yourself doing what you enjoy.

I could have written this. Foolishly I hoped this year would be different. If anything, it’s worse.

This has been going on for 25 f*cking years now. I’d started to book to go away for the very rare times they come here because we live near a holiday town and they don’t come to spend time with us or DC. Just the shops.

absolute shit show. For the sake of your sanity & marriage Op, don’t do it. Let you DH take the kids and go himself.

DH & I never argue. Ever. Except when his parents visit.

As you are on the holiday right now you need to get on with it. No point bringing everyone down with you for all I understand the frustration and pain of what you are dealing with.

Once home say to your H that next year you want to holiday just your little family and he needs to have your back. And mean it.

Talking about this while on holiday and he’s in the middle is doomed to failure.

OP, I am familiar with situations like this where one side of a marriage has a large and close family. Whilst the support and love is great, the downside, especially if you are marrying into it is that it is like joining the mafia. You have have said that you have gone along with this for years and you want to go for DH and the kids. Sadly you are now stuck with this, unless DH suddenly changes his mind and can see your pov, you will always need to go on these.

My advice is book a winter getaway for you and your family to counter this.

If they blank you why go- just send DH and the kids. I wouldn’t be using my annual leave to go away with people that don’t want me there (they would probably prefer it if you weren’t there). Your husband sounds unpleasant too.

They won’t change so any change in the situation has to come from you. Just don’t go. The sky won’t fall in. Have a lovely week at home by yourself. If other people are upset by that then that’s their problem.

Why doesn't SIL speak to you? Have you tried to get along?

Your husband sounds controlling and selfish. Your SIL has worked out she can capitalise upon this (or is too self centred to even care). Let him go with your children and you have some you time whilst he’s away. If he loves you he shouldn’t be furious since you’re not being at all unreasonable.

Can you not go but u jet do your own thing?

if SIL says you all go for a long walk but you want to mooch around town, they do their thing and you do yours?

just because someone is bossy does not mean there has to be conflict. Without discussion or argument you can just say “ enjoy the walk, sounds great. I’m going to that gallery I read about, I will see you all again in the evening)

Your husband sounds awful. Why on earth does he expect you to go on holiday with his family when they all blank you and ignore you? They sound so rude and unkind and I can't believe that he still expects you to go.

I assume he has refused to speak to them about his awful behaviour towards you? You say you go because your children really enjoy it, but it sets them such a bad example to see their mum being treated like crap by their grandparents and aunts and uncles while their dad does nothing about it. You need to refuse to go.

OP has said that his family all blank her on the holiday. Would you want to go on holiday with a group of people who are deliberately ignoring you?

Same here. I just suck it up and go on hating every minute as I don’t think there is a realistic alternative.

OP, there are a lot of complaints in there but absolutely no solutions.
Can you describe the holiday they have, and the type of holiday you like.

The issue here is your dh and the number of years he is allowed his family to mistreat you. At the very very beginning it should have been spelt out to his rude family that unless they are fully inclusive and make an effort with his wife then he won’t be seeing them.

He is disrespecting you by allowing his family to behave so badly, no wonder you don’t want to go on holiday or see them!

Yes you have left it too long to address this op, but I have no doubt your first choice isn’t to have a huge row, but it is overdue. He has done nothing to advocate for you, so now you have to . Too bad he doesn’t like it. Tell him this is the very last holiday you are doing and mean it. Outline the reasons, and tell him he has utterly failed to address these issues for years and you have finally had enough,

I would be going home. It’s not your job to keep the peace op. What are your children learning by watching you mistreated like this? That it is okay to blank people and be rude?

Stand your ground.
These are NOT good people op.

You need to stop being a martyr. So what if your husband and kids wants you there, you don't want to be there and it's a completely optional situation to be in. You being there only causes aggro between you and your husband anyway. Nobody is forcing you to go, and if your husband so badly wants to go on holiday with you then you can plan a holiday that you both want to go on. The same goes for your kids. You are acting like it's OK that nobody is prioriting you and what you want.

It sounds like nobody has any respect for you including your husband and you've been putting up with it for 13 years. Start standing up for yourself whether that's saying you're not going or going but doing your own thing there

Tell me this isn't the only holiday you take in a year? I think I could deal with it being a bit miserable it if was not the main event and I had separate holiday plans for just husband, kids and I, but if this was my only holiday for the year, I wouldn't be putting up with everyone making me miserable. It's a miserable way to spend your annual leave.

Is this your only holiday every year and does it cost you a lot? If so, you and your DC and DH should stop going. It no, the DH goes with the DC and you stay at home.

YANBU.
My SIL is a nightmare on holidays. You don't get a minute's peace, she's always got a strict itinerary planned out and we're dashing from one place to the next. I suck it up because my kids adore spending time with their cousins. It's a relief to get home and some quiet time though. We do plenty of holidays with just pur family and they're more relaxing.

Exactly this. What an absolute prick he is.

I can see both sides.

DH and DC love this holiday. You hate it. Is this your only holiday in the year?

I think you remain passive or don't go or talk to SIL directly and tell her what you would like to do.

There are consequences to all the above, only you can assess the collateral impact. You do have agency.

There are certain scenarios where it is better to be a 'passenger' but sometimes you have to do things how you would like to do them.

When visiting my in-laws, admittedly not on a holiday, I couldn't do that, I am definitely a 'passenger'. Some things drive me mad but they just do things differently to me. They are not bad people. I have just learnt it's easier for everyone if I just sit back and let them fall back into their family dynamics. My DH and DC have a great time with siblings and cousins. I enjoy watching them having fun, although sometimes I am bored to tears. Wine helps. Also having chats with my SIL, who also married in to the family. Sometimes she doesn't make it to every family gathering. I suspect she puts her foot down.

If you are actually on the holiday right now, you can only make the most of it. Why argue?
Can you not stay in your own room and sleep or read?
Do a different activity to other people some of the time.
Invite others out to a place where you would like to eat.

If the family as a whole enjoys the holiday then your choice is to go and join in or to go and change what YOU do while you are there.

Make sure you book another holiday every year with your husband and children.