To hate holidays with inlaws

I have but they usually don’t shut up about it. I would expect there to be compromises and everyone able to do at least one or two things that they enjoy not someone deciding everyone has to do xyz rather they like it or not.

Not sure how OP is supposed to try and establish new traditions when she is treated as invisible constantly by his family.

@hmmimnotsurewhyand @Katflapkit

its not about my husbands ability to look after the kids, he can do that no problem and they are teens/tweens now so not hard to look after in the same way as when they were little.

its more that I want dcs to have a relationships with their cousins and grandparents and I don’t want to miss out on the time with dh and dc. I have sort of become able to detach from it over the years.

however, the point you make about my dcs seeing me ignored is an important one and something I have been thinking about a lot recently. I honestly don’t think dh “sees” it or realises how bad it is. The other day we saw them for lunch and they didn’t ask me a single question or make any attempt to make conversation. I felt it was down to me to keep the chat going, and I said this to dh and he hasn’t realised. So I said next time I will just not initiate any conversation and he will see how obvious it is.

There was also this weird moment when one of the DCs mentioned this place they had been recently and PILs said they had never heard of it, and I pointed out that we’d been there together a few years ago and actually they had a photo of dcs there up on their landing. They were so dismissive and sort of angry that I had pointed out their error. They are odd people and I feel they are getting worse over the years. But we have been together for 25 years and married for 18 so it will be a massive thing to suddenly refuse to go with them.

It feels like it in oh so many ways 😂

my SIL would want us all to do the same thing every day and it has to be what she wants to do.

@Puffykins DH’s family is rather like that, we were all expected to move as a herd, which is daft as people end up doing things that they’re not interested in and missing out on what they’d like to do!

A few years ago I decided that the best approach was to declare what we want to do and say that if anyone else wants to join us, great; if not, do whatever you’d like to do.
Or not go on the trip at all. 😂

I had this problem too. Except DH also didn't want to go. Now he goes for two or three days with the DCs and I don't go. He does, however come on my family holiday with my DPs and my sisters and their children. It's different though - significantly more fun and we can go off and do our own thing for a couple of the days and noone minds whereas my SIL would want us all to do the same thing every day and it has to be what she wants to do... seriously, just stop going.

Why are you arguing about it? Just say you are not going again, that’s it. If he and the kids want to go that’s fine. You are not going. Simple as.

I agree with PP’s, next year, your DH can take the children by himself. You don’t need to be there (unless you’re breastfeeding) so he and his family can take care of them for a week.

My DH and DS are going to visit his parents next week and I’m not going, I’ll work and do various jobs in the house that are easier to do when others are away, like painting!

'He's furious and says my bad attitude is ruining the holiday'

Err I think that's enough to LTB but if he's nicer for the rest of the year, thenDO NoT GO!

If your MIL directly asks you why you can say I don't really get a say in activities and it causes arguments with your son .

Book yourself a spa break instead

I wouldn't go - he can go and take the kids.
That way I get a break and my own relaxing holiday : )

Why do you have to go with them, my DH used to holiday every year with his family, I tried it twice and then ditched it?

Why on earth is your husband putting you through that? Sounds like he doesn’t like you much as well.
and I’m certain your family treats him well.

Why though? Why would you go? Do you not trust your husband to look after the he children properly without you? Why hasn't your husband addressed this issue with his family? Don't go - go visit friends or family or invite them over. I don't think it healthy for children to see their mother excluded and 'blanked'. At some point they will notice.

Can you plan a trip with your family and see how much he enjoys that version?

I really do sympathise OP.

i too have in laws who blank me and barely acknowledge me. They are rarely overtly hostile or unkind, just completely uninterested in me as a person and don’t really acknowledge me as a person in my own right, just as dh’s wife/a vessel who has provided dgcs. This became very clear to me recently when I suffered a significant bereavement and they barely acknowledged it.

however, I still do go away with them, mainly because my dcs enjoy seeing their cousins and we do have holidays with my lovely family too. I just try to zone out a bit and detach from it all, take a few good books and sort of let it wash over me. It’s probably not a healthy way to handle it but that’s what I do…..

Me too

Why would you put yourself through this for a man who couldn't care less about you?

Send him off with the children in future and take a break.

You poor thing. Doesn’t your husband see this? You shouldn’t have to put up with this in any circumstances but especially not on a family holiday.

Sorry but this made me laugh. It sounds like you’re going to the gallows.😅

How do they manage to blank you when you’re all on holiday? Surely your husband must notice that?

Do you have holidays with just you and your immediate family in addition to the inlaws holiday? If so, I would just suck it up and go with it. I would just surrender and let SIL make the decisions in the full knowledge that it is just for a week or whatever. It can be quite relaxing to let someone else do all the planning and you might end up enjoying it.

If you don't have your own holiday as well this is trickier and I would be telling DH that you want this - it's a reasonable desire.

Dh’s family used to tag onto our holidays and then act like this. Hated every second caused no end of arguments paying for a holiday that became a non holiday. Luckily for me I just started booking places they won’t come.

In your shoes I’d just started booking saying you cannot get the annual leave approved.

So your problem is with your husband who is shouting at you and blaming you for ruining things when he's forcing you to go on holiday with his family who make it known they don't like you.
He doesn't care about you enough to even listen.

Agree!

Sadly your husband is enmeshed with his family. I would refuse to go, there's no eay way on earth I would put up with being blanked on holiday by in laws. Absolutely refuse to go. He doesn't respect you, but you should respect yourself enough not to put yourself through that again.