To be worried sick about my DS (18) and this girl who's dragged him through hell??

To the posters asking about reporting her or whether this is statutory rape – I did look into it at the time, but the reality is a bit complicated. I don’t think the hospital ever knew how old he was. I only took him in after the baby was born, and he wasn’t at the birth or involved in any of the pregnancy – no scans, no midwife appointments, nothing. By that point he wasn’t even going to school regularly, and social services were involved very briefly but nothing really came of it. I sometimes wonder if it had all been flagged properly, maybe things would’ve been different.

As for the baby – his daughter lives with his girlfriend. I’ve only met her a handful of times. She’s never been here; his girlfriend says it’s “not safe”, which is completely untrue. I assume when they’re both smoking weed, her mum looks after the baby, but I can’t say for sure. That side of things is very murky and I’m kept at arm’s length.

Technically, he still lives here, but when he’s with her I hardly see him. He might come in to sleep, or grab something quickly – that’s it. The rest of the time it’s like he’s just disappeared into her world, and I’m left worrying constantly about what’s actually going on.

I’m deeply concerned about his mental state and his temper. Last year, after a huge row with her, he completely lost it and smashed up a bus stop. She'd told him that she was embarrassed to be with him – he was fined, and I begged him to get help for his anger, but he just said it was a one-off and that I was overreacting. I don’t think I am.

And no, it’s not just me being snobby or “not clicking” with her because of background or class – I really don’t believe that. Her attitude from the start has been incredibly condescending. She’s openly said she likes how he’s “rough around the edges” and “better than his background”, which is such a backhanded insult. She’s made digs about what we eat, the size of our TV, even said our house smells – it doesn’t. I’ve tried to keep the peace but it’s been very hard to ignore.

I do actually agree with the poster who said she might’ve chosen him because he’s easier to control. From what he’s said, before she told him she was pregnant she already told him she wanted another baby – he told her no. They were apparently using contraception, but she told him she was pregnant anyway. He panicked but also got excited – started talking about them being a proper family, even proposing (!!). It was only last night, when he said something in front of her mum, that the truth came out. Her mum had no idea and looked shocked – and the girlfriend just sort of brushed it off. Later on she admitted she lied.

I dread to think how long she would’ve kept that going if it hadn’t slipped out like that. And now I can’t stop thinking: what if she is actually pregnant now, and this was all just a ploy to have unprotected sex? It makes me feel sick.

I want to support my son. I want to be a good grandmother, of course I do. But I also want to protect him, and I feel like he’s being pulled deeper and deeper into something he doesn’t fully understand.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Honestly it helps just having someone listen, cos I feel like I’m going mad some days.

We did try with the ADHD stuff, he was always bouncing off the walls as a kid, couldn’t concentrate for long, always getting sent out of class. I pushed and pushed and by the time we finally got a CAMHS appointment he was 15 – but he refused to go. Said he didn’t need it and he’s still the same now. Won’t even talk about being assessed or therapy or anything. Just shuts down or gets angry. He’s never had any kind of counselling or help, nothing.

His apprenticeship is hanging on by a thread. He’s on his final warning now. His boss has been good to him, probably given him more chances than he should’ve, but if he keeps not turning up he’ll lose it. And once that’s gone I dunno what he’ll do. He just can’t get up in the morning if he’s been on the weed the night before. Sleeps all day and then stays up all night. Vicious cycle.

He don’t talk to any of his old mates when he’s with her, she don’t like them so he cuts everyone off. It’s like she wants him all to herself. It’s been like that since they were kids. Soon as he tries to get on track she’s back, love bombing him then dragging him down again. He’s proper isolated when he’s with her.

I honestly think she wants another baby. She told him she was “testing” him to see how he’d react to the news. Who does that?? She lied for a month about being pregnant and just thought it was fine cos they were having unprotected sex so “it’d happen anyway”. She even said the dates wouldn’t matter cos “he wouldn’t notice”. Makes me feel sick.

I’ve told him he needs to get proper contact sorted through court or something but he won’t listen. He says he don’t want to make things worse or upset her family more, but it’s already a mess. She won’t let him see his daughter half the time and uses her as a weapon whenever she feels like it. And when he’s cut off from his kid he always goes back cos it’s the only way to see her.

I know he needs to be working, paying his CM, doing better. I tell him all the time. But he don’t listen to me. I feel like I’ve lost him and I’m just watching his life fall apart. I’m scared this girl’s gonna ruin what little chance he’s got left and he’ll never crawl out of it.