To be worried sick about my DS (18) and this girl who's dragged him through hell??

SillySocks87 · 2025-07-26T17:57:52+00:00

Right I dunno where to even start but I’m shaking and feel like I need to just get it out somewhere cos no one really gets it. My DS is 18 and he’s been off and on with this girl since he was about 14. She’s a bit older (just turned 21 in June) and I’ve never liked her if I’m honest but he’s always gone running back. She’s just bad news and always has been. He used to be such a good lad when he was younger, bit quiet but sweet. Then she came on the scene and he’s been off the rails ever since. Smoking weed every day near enough, drinking, getting into scraps. He doesn’t even really talk to me anymore and when he does he’s either off his face or shouting. He works as a mechanic (well when he bloody turns up which isn’t often) and still lives with me. He’s not had the easiest life, I’ve tried my best. His dad’s not really around much and to be honest that’s a blessing cos he’s not a nice bloke, drinks too much and violent. I left him years ago for a reason. But I think my son’s always missed him in some way, even if he won’t say it. Anyway this girl… god where do I start. She’s always had everything handed to her, her dad buys her anything she wants, she doesn’t work, thinks she’s better than us cos we’re working class. She’s always had something to say about how we live, what we eat, even the bloody telly we’ve got. She gave birth to their first baby when my DS was just 15, few months off 16. He was still a kid himself. I remember standing there in the hospital feeling like I was in a dream. He didn’t even know how to hold her properly at first. But he tried, I’ll give him that. He really did. I did everything I could too but it’s hard. They broke up and got back together and broke up again and it’s been like that ever since. This last month though it’s gone proper mad. She told him she was pregnant again and he was actually happy about it. Said he was gonna “do it proper this time” and be a family. I was shocked but said I’d support him whatever. He was walking round with his chest puffed out like he was a proper man now, telling people he was gonna be a dad again. Then last night it all kicked off. He came in like a tornado, slamming doors, crying (which he never does), rooting through the cupboards looking for booze. Smashed his phone up against the wall. Turns out she LIED about being pregnant. She told him she “thought she’d get pregnant eventually” cos they was having unprotected sex so she thought he’d never know. But the dates wouldn't have added up and she thought he was too thick to work it out. I don’t even know what’s going on in her head but she’s really twisted. My heart breaks for him even though he’s not easy to live with. He looked so broken last night I didn’t know what to do. We’re not even close anymore, I don’t think he trusts me or anyone. And now… he’s back with her. After all that. Straight back to her. I wanna shake him. I feel like I’m watching a car crash in slow motion and there’s nothing I can do. He won’t listen to me. I can’t even talk to him without him getting aggressive or walking off. I don’t know if he’s got ADHD or something, I’ve said it for years. He’s always been a bit wired, always on edge, can’t sit still. But he never got any help in school and now he’s too old to even bother with all that probably. AIBU to just be absolutely heartbroken and scared for him? I’ve tried everything. I’ve sat him down and talked, shouted, cried, even begged. I love him but he’s not the boy I raised and I’m scared one day something bad’s gonna happen and I’ll be getting a knock on the door. Sorry it’s long and all over the place but I just needed to get it out.

Mere1 · 30/03/2026 07:47

Strawberrri · 26/07/2025 19:39

Could DH and DS have ADHD.
Worth checking this

Not sure what difference this would make.

SpryCat · 27/07/2025 21:51

You need to step back, he’s running back and forth between you and his gf, they are shit parents, he is violently taking out his anger, trashing a bus stop and you’re wringing your hands and giving him sympathy when he comes home. If he loses his job because of his own actions, leave him to face up to the consequences. He’s not a little boy anymore and you need to see him as he is, you are blaming everyone for the kind of person he is.

The only child at risk is the 2 year old, not your son!

Liliwen · 27/07/2025 20:34

I think the main concern in all of this is the baby who has 2 parents constantly smoking weed and with significant issues. Neither of them are good parents. She’s a liar and a predator. He’s got anger issues and refusing to get any help for his issues. The baby’s welfare is a huge concern.

justmeandtheclan · 27/07/2025 20:26

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 13:23

@SillySocks87 You can report them to Early Help Services or Family Solutions if you don't want to do SS. They can be very helpful in supporting them, she clearly is not okay and doesn't seem like a responsible person let alone mother. The shouting and the violence, fights etc around that child will just exacerbate and they will live in a horrible home environment. They may also be able to get your son some support with his anger issues and like MH issues. His life will continue to crumble away on the path he's on - the child doesn't deserve to have their life crumble either. Earl Help Services or even the councils drug support services could give your son the help or kick up the bum to change and get help and get medication. He's not going to be able to see it on his own, in such a toxic relationship.

Show quote history

Yes family’s first is also another service

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 13:23

SillySocks87 · 27/07/2025 12:59

he came back this morning, looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Said they were arguing all night but it’s “sorted now”. It never really is though, is it. Same cycle every time. He was all quiet and shut down, I didn’t push him. Just made him a bacon sarnie and he’s gone straight to bed.

She gives him the weed – I know that much. When they’re not talking or split up, he doesn’t touch it. It’s like when he’s away from her, his head clears a bit. But then soon as they’re back on, it’s straight back to the same old.

She doesn’t work, hasn’t worked since I’ve known her. I think she’s still got a health visitor but the baby’s 2 now and I don’t know how involved they actually are at this stage. I’ve only ever seen the baby a handful of times, never at my house. Like I said before, she claims it’s not “safe” here, which is ridiculous. I think she just wants to keep us out of the picture.

I’m honestly not sure what to do next. I feel like no matter what I say or do, he just ends up right back where he started. I don’t want to drive him further away but I’m watching his life crumble and it’s heartbreaking.

Just a hopeful bump really.

@SillySocks87 You can report them to Early Help Services or Family Solutions if you don't want to do SS. They can be very helpful in supporting them, she clearly is not okay and doesn't seem like a responsible person let alone mother. The shouting and the violence, fights etc around that child will just exacerbate and they will live in a horrible home environment. They may also be able to get your son some support with his anger issues and like MH issues. His life will continue to crumble away on the path he's on - the child doesn't deserve to have their life crumble either. Earl Help Services or even the councils drug support services could give your son the help or kick up the bum to change and get help and get medication. He's not going to be able to see it on his own, in such a toxic relationship.

AmIJustAnUnreasonsbleBitch · 27/07/2025 13:17

Hatty65 · 26/07/2025 19:20

I'm stunned at the idea that a 17/18 year old girl who has everything could ever have shown any interest in a 14 year old boy.

It's very odd. What interest could she have in someone so much younger than herself? Teenage girls usually like older lads.

Someone to manipulate and bend to her will? Older boys or young men are less likely to stand for that and likely to be more up for playing the field. OP's son sounds quite vulnerable and would have been flattered by her attention.

Stranger things have happened!

ExercicenformedeZ · 27/07/2025 13:03

Screamingabdabz · 26/07/2025 19:14

So he’s had no male role model other than some drunken violent dick, but it’s all his girlfriend’s fault he’s like he is?

OFFS, give the misandry a rest. This girl is predatory. Women aren't all innocent angels, you know.

Original poster

SillySocks87 · 27/07/2025 12:59

he came back this morning, looked like he hadn’t slept at all. Said they were arguing all night but it’s “sorted now”. It never really is though, is it. Same cycle every time. He was all quiet and shut down, I didn’t push him. Just made him a bacon sarnie and he’s gone straight to bed.

She gives him the weed – I know that much. When they’re not talking or split up, he doesn’t touch it. It’s like when he’s away from her, his head clears a bit. But then soon as they’re back on, it’s straight back to the same old.

She doesn’t work, hasn’t worked since I’ve known her. I think she’s still got a health visitor but the baby’s 2 now and I don’t know how involved they actually are at this stage. I’ve only ever seen the baby a handful of times, never at my house. Like I said before, she claims it’s not “safe” here, which is ridiculous. I think she just wants to keep us out of the picture.

I’m honestly not sure what to do next. I feel like no matter what I say or do, he just ends up right back where he started. I don’t want to drive him further away but I’m watching his life crumble and it’s heartbreaking.

Just a hopeful bump really.

OP posts:

justmeandtheclan · 27/07/2025 08:39

mumnet87 · 26/07/2025 19:12

She was 18 and having a 15-year-olds baby?

Oh my just oh my ….

Velmy · 27/07/2025 01:59

For want of a better term, he's cuntstruck. And now that she has a child to hold over his head, unless he's willing to go to court for formal access, she's always going to get her way.

There's very little you can do about it other than be there for him when he hits rock bottom. If he wants to be a good dad, access or not, he needs to be working, earning and supporting his kid. If he's not willing to do that, he's not a good dad.

Reporting her for SR, or to social services (unless you have a legitimate reason to believe the child is at risk) is only going to make things more difficult for your son.

As hard as it is, at some point you just have to take a step back and let him learn from his mistakes.

Isitreallysohard · 27/07/2025 01:41

I don't think there's anything you can do. He's been with her since he was 14 and has a child with her. All you can do is be there for him, maybe his life will work out and maybe it won't. It's out of your hands.

steff13 · 27/07/2025 01:15

Is he sure the baby is his?

Bollihobs · 27/07/2025 01:04

Hatty65 · 26/07/2025 19:20

I'm stunned at the idea that a 17/18 year old girl who has everything could ever have shown any interest in a 14 year old boy.

It's very odd. What interest could she have in someone so much younger than herself? Teenage girls usually like older lads.

How is this in any way helpful for the OP? 🤔

TheLivelyViper · 27/07/2025 00:36

SillySocks87 · 27/07/2025 00:13

Yeah I do worry about the baby too. I’ve said it before, I don’t think either of them are fit to be looking after her full-time when they’re like this, especially when they’re both smoking weed. And if they’ve been drinking too, I honestly don’t know who’s got her. Her mum’s always there in the background but it’s not clear what’s actually going on. I don’t see the baby, I’ve only met her a handful of times and never had her at mine – the girlfriend says our house “isn’t safe” which is just crap. It’s clean, quiet, and safe. She just don’t want us involved.

I’ve thought about reporting to SS, I really have. But I’m scared they’ll take it out on my son and I’ll lose whatever little contact I have left with him. He already barely speaks to me when he’s with her.

He won’t go to the GP about his anger or for possible ADHD. I’ve begged him, I’ve even offered to go with him and help him explain everything. He says he’s fine, says everyone’s angry sometimes and I’m being dramatic. But I know he’s not fine. He’s like a bottle ready to explode, and if he loses this job I honestly think he’ll go right off the deep end. His boss is one of the only decent male figures he’s ever had – strict but fair, keeps him in check, gives him routine. Without that I don’t know where he’ll end up.

He’s never had a DNA test done but the baby looks just like him, even his old school friends have said it. There’s no real doubt it’s his – I wish he’d get proper access sorted but he’s scared of rocking the boat with her and her family.

You’re right about the ADHD being a big letdown – it’s one of my biggest regrets. I pushed for years but everything took so long and by the time we got near a proper appointment he was too far gone and wouldn’t engage. And now I feel like we’ve missed the boat.

I sympathsise with you, but right now your son is not a competent parent. Otherwise he wouldn't be drinking and doing drugs with his girlfriend whilst they're meant to be looking after their child. He has anger issues, refuses to get help for that and ADHD. From the sounds of it he's not paying CM (the family court will see this as a sign of not caring, and it will look bad) and he's smashing up phones etc. He has serious anger issues which shouldn't be anywhere near a baby. But it will even worse as the baby grows, a toddler or young child is such an environment is an adverse childhood experience. The baby will see him shouting and fighting with his girlfriend (leaving them coming back = no stability), also perhaps being violent, verbally and with objects. What will all of that teach a child? They will likely be traumatised by that. I say this because he has no interest nor does she in getting help and improving or getting better. If they did then I'd give them a final chance, but since they don't want to, this is likely what the future will be.

His anger issues are more than likely going to lead to him losing his job - how will he support himself and his baby? I'm sorry but the baby's welfare needs to come first - I think it's unlikely the girlfriend's mum is looking after the baby all that time. You should report to SS regardless of whether she is as both of their behaviours is not consistent with being a good parent at all. Also, if you get SS involved they may offer Early Helo services which can be very helpful - almost teaching how to parent, things like reading and phonics etc. When did the girlfriend leave school? Does she have any GCSEs? Does she have a job? They won't be able to support the needs of a child at all, could lead to issues with neglect (which they are already doing now). Also SS can get Family Solutions involved which can also provide support.

Surely the girlfriend is seeing the Health Visitor? I know she may not listen to you if you tell her to ask for support but maybe if you let her mother know, she can have a word. Also OP you definitely tried and were a good parent, sometimes this just happens but it doesn't mean it's forever. However you either need to get him help - call MH services or 111. Or you need to report to SS, I doubt they'd notice if the baby was crying, or would stall taking the baby to the doctors if she got sick. This is only likely to get worse with no intervention but it's unfair to a baby, who had no choice on its family. The baby deserves stability and proper care.

Original poster

SillySocks87 · 27/07/2025 00:13

Yeah I do worry about the baby too. I’ve said it before, I don’t think either of them are fit to be looking after her full-time when they’re like this, especially when they’re both smoking weed. And if they’ve been drinking too, I honestly don’t know who’s got her. Her mum’s always there in the background but it’s not clear what’s actually going on. I don’t see the baby, I’ve only met her a handful of times and never had her at mine – the girlfriend says our house “isn’t safe” which is just crap. It’s clean, quiet, and safe. She just don’t want us involved.

I’ve thought about reporting to SS, I really have. But I’m scared they’ll take it out on my son and I’ll lose whatever little contact I have left with him. He already barely speaks to me when he’s with her.

He won’t go to the GP about his anger or for possible ADHD. I’ve begged him, I’ve even offered to go with him and help him explain everything. He says he’s fine, says everyone’s angry sometimes and I’m being dramatic. But I know he’s not fine. He’s like a bottle ready to explode, and if he loses this job I honestly think he’ll go right off the deep end. His boss is one of the only decent male figures he’s ever had – strict but fair, keeps him in check, gives him routine. Without that I don’t know where he’ll end up.

He’s never had a DNA test done but the baby looks just like him, even his old school friends have said it. There’s no real doubt it’s his – I wish he’d get proper access sorted but he’s scared of rocking the boat with her and her family.

You’re right about the ADHD being a big letdown – it’s one of my biggest regrets. I pushed for years but everything took so long and by the time we got near a proper appointment he was too far gone and wouldn’t engage. And now I feel like we’ve missed the boat.

OP posts:

bagginsatbagend · 26/07/2025 22:44

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2025 21:44

Statutory rape doesn’t exist in the UK.

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Stat rape doesn’t exist in the UK, there’s even diff parts for diff ages. My nieces ‘boyfriend’ was prosecuted for stat rape 5 years ago

ConfusedSloth · 26/07/2025 22:34

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/07/2025 22:30

And?

He's at risk of losing his job if he doesn't go ( and fined for vandalism )
If he makes sure he pays CM then he is far more likely to be viewed favourably in Court re his contact ( and no I don;t want the irritating Children aren;t Pay Per View comment that is alwayed rolled out )

OP - if this was my son I;d want a DNA test done . Has he looked into this ?

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I think the point is that OP knows everything you're saying and also has no control over any of the things you're saying must happen.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 26/07/2025 22:30

AmusedCat · 26/07/2025 20:59

Stating the obvious, I'm sure OP is very aware of this

Show quote history

And?

He's at risk of losing his job if he doesn't go ( and fined for vandalism )
If he makes sure he pays CM then he is far more likely to be viewed favourably in Court re his contact ( and no I don;t want the irritating Children aren;t Pay Per View comment that is alwayed rolled out )

OP - if this was my son I;d want a DNA test done . Has he looked into this ?

Osmosisfreight · 26/07/2025 22:28

Hi OP I know your son and the girlfriend are both adults, but do you know what her parents think? Could you band together with them talk to them both as a united front?

3luckystars · 26/07/2025 22:28

The ADHD thing is a huge let down, it’s such a pity he didn’t get help in that regard when he was younger.

I think that would be a really big turning point for him. Could you try again with a gp? See if you can get a diagnosis for him and maybe some medication?

BoundaryGirl3939 · 26/07/2025 22:12

He seems vulnerable and easily manipulated. My heart goes out to you.

All you can do is be there for him. You can't wake him up. Only he can come to a realisation.

I have a brother in a similar scenario and I'm praying every day that he will see the truth.

ConfusedSloth · 26/07/2025 21:59

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2025 21:44

Statutory rape doesn’t exist in the UK.

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It does.

All rape is "statutory rape" in that it's rape because the statute says so. The term "statutory rape" is generally used to mean "rape" that meets the statutory definition of rape but doesn't meet the general perception of what a rape would be (i.e. where both people said yes but it's still rape because one of those people couldn't consent).

It's an outdated term and it's not a criminal offence in that wording but it exists as much as "physical assault" exists or "murder by stabbing". All of them are crimes in the UK, just not with those exact phrases written down in the law.

SaintGermain · 26/07/2025 21:59

I don’t think he’s going to be able to stand on his own two feet whilst you’re offering him a home and presumably helping him with finances etc?

He needs a boot up his backside into the real world and not come running back and forth between the mother of his child and you.

TheLivelyViper · 26/07/2025 21:58

@SillySocks87 That baby could be in danger or being neglected OP. Especially if they are both doing drugs together they likely aren't giving that baby enough attention. I would report it to SS tbh because they don't seem competent to look after a baby. I also think with those anger issues, he could get into trouble legally if he has an outburst. What if he gets violent towards the baby or her, or anyone tbh. Smashing up a bus spot is serious and he needs to get some help for it. ADHD caues impulsive behaviour, medication would likely help a lot.

Rachie1973 · 26/07/2025 21:44

Robin67 · 26/07/2025 20:04

Is it too late to report her to the police? Is this not statutory rape? Didn't the hospital or his school say anything or report this?

Statutory rape doesn’t exist in the UK.