To think I never want another man?

Every now and again I'll remember an enjoyable experience I had with someone I was in a relationship with and think it would be nice to have that again and then I quickly remember how they irritated the hell out of me 99% of the time and feel grateful I'm single.

I am SO envious of people who had a handful of OLD dates and found their person. My friend’s partner went on one date. ONE.

He met my friend, was smitten and that was that!

@WhereIsMyJumper I think many decent ones are either taken or they too have been burned and aren’t really looking for the kind of commitment that some women may be after - be it emotionally or financially. They too have fathomed that they are better off single .

I can't deny that both my exH ( for the first ten years at least) and my subsequent partner were decent men. However nowadays the men I am attracted to, even if not already taken are no way interested in me. And the ones who are or would be interested in me have no appeal whatsoever.

I've dipped my toe in OLD after 9 years on my own. Kids are young adults.

Honestly the puddle for men my age is very small. Not sure I can be arsed

😂😂 Nicely put!

That could well be the case.

I have a DP and he’s a lovely man, very supportive, very good in bed, so I’m keeping him for now. BUT I’m not living with him, I’m not marrying him, I’m not even travelling with him. He is a nice but fairly small part of my life. If something happens to him, I won’t be replacing him. (Really hope it doesn’t though, as he is a lovely person)

How about we agree to the fact that perhaps good men aren’t extremely rare but the ones that do exist are already taken?

Which therefore means there isn’t much point in dating.

That certainly may be the case. I guess that I'm lucky in that the 'frogs' that I kissed were more men that were incompatible with me for whatever reason, rather than abusive or awful. I also have an extremely low tolerance for bullshit, and I had that from a pretty young age. I don't mean I'm some ball breaker, but I'm not at all easy to manipulate and push around (despite having been raised in a fairly old fashioned household with a distinctly anti feminist father)
Anyway, I'm not here to be a cheerleader for men, there are surely a lot of crap ones. I'm just not sure that they are in the vast majority.

Perhaps the rarity of 'good men' is because they're of similar opinion to OP and many here. If you already have a house/home and are settled what does a woman bring to their life.

Well, my ExH left me for a receptionist at his work. I found out he was having an affair the day before I started a new job! We have a DD. I had an awful 4 weeks where he was horrendous to me, and then me and DD moved into my parents house just to get away for my mental health. He moved her in! It was a really hard time and I vowed off men forever. As a dare my friend and i joined eharmony when we had a few. I was on it 5 weeks, went on 3 dates, one was awful, one was 'fine' and was great. Fast forward 5 years and I am engaged to the great one! I enjoyed the time I was single, and I love this time now, far far better than at any point of my marriage. Its only having a stable relationship I can see how messed up my marriage was and I am eternally grateful he left me!! I have heard horror stories though about OLD so I know I was lucky.

I voted yanbu but one day, when you least expect it, you may meet the love of your life, and take it from me, it's truly wonderful

Following

I guess the thing is a lot of women have to kiss a LOT of frogs to find a good one. And some never do.

When you have been kissing frogs for years you can see why some women think “good men” are rare. Although different people have different criteria for “good men”. Which may govern whether some people find them rarer than others.

I am not going to comment on whether they are objectively “rare” but I will say it seems far easier to come across the bad ones than the good ones.

Don't look at me! I've got adult kids, my own house, a Dreadful Dog and absolutely no desire to pander to a man ever again. I've even lost the urge for sex! My last relationship was practically a master class in aversion therapy, so I'm going to stay strictly solo - the pros of being single outweigh the cons by so much that I struggle to find the cons under the mass of pros.

Come in, shoes off, feet up, cup of tea and no stupid questions/random statements/demands for food/'I was going to....but...' statements. Nope. Single all the way.

I'm sorry you had those experiences, but no, good men are not 'extremely rare'. Your horrible experiences have understandably influenced your feelings on the subject, but just as you asked me not to diminish your experiences, please don't make me out to be some kind of outlier. I'm really, really not.

Casual sex is rarely pleasurable and full
of risks.

Nope.

After four years together we weren’t any further forward in our relationship. I told him that I felt he had compartmentalised me into a small part of his life and asked for a reset. He responded by referring to our relationship in the past tense and dumping me completely out of the blue. Turns out he never loved me, and was really just going out with me as a convenience, someone to do stuff with, easy for him to commute to work on his office days.

So sorry this happened to you. What a bastard!

I can only speak for myself but casual sex with someone I don’t feel connected to emotionally really doesn’t appeal.
Some people can have sex without emotions, others can’t

And I do think the older you get, the less it seems worth the hassle

Getting sex is easy but comes with too many risks. Most women don’t want it enough to face those risks.
I still fancy men. Would love to have sex again but not enough to risk my peace and security. I have my children from my failed marriage and life is excellent. I do feel for the women who want children so are still out there trying to play the game.
I know of three women who have taken on a man in their late 40s - nearly 60. They are happy in all cases. Two got married. But in each case they were the ‘catch’. The ones with their own home, good pension or no children to complicate things and in each case have contributed far more to their relationship than the man has. Either financial or housing or effort or childcare or just doing the majority of the life admin stuff.
I look at those women and consider whether I want to put in so much to get companionship. The answer is No.

Does it have to be all or nothing. Why do women seem to want to go the whole hog? Men certainly don’t. Shag a few and keep your nice lifestyle.

This has been excatly my romantic expierences, my sisters and the female friends I have had through school, two universities and post graduately sadly.

if you meet a good man when you are youngish you do not let him go without a fight do you? Therefore the ones in the pool usually have something wrong with them.

I tried OLD ages 31-34

I ended up coming off it after mutiple sexual assaults, gas lighting, ghosting, narcissists and just plain bizarre behaviour. Druggies and alcoholics were a common theme too. In the end I was actually so desensitised to these men, that I would retell an OLD story to a colleague and they would be in shock with me sitting casually retelling it. I tell my now husband some snippets of stories and he has cried (yes, cried) on one occasion. Every. Single. Man. I met OLD commented on my weight (75kg and 178cm tall) - I has broad enough shoulders to realise it was negging at the time and swiftly move on. Completely average men on paper, and below average in terms of ethics / morality would act like they were some sort of prize. It was horrific.

Many of these men are now married or have impregnated some unsuspecting victim which always surprises me. I think they can put on the right act to trap a woman as one thing most of them have in common is they end up pregnant, buying a house together or married within a few months of meeting each other. I have noticed a pattern definately.

I met my now husband at Parkrun and he works in the same career as me. So it was so much easier. The boyfriend I had in 20s I also met naturally and surprisingly that worked out for several years until it didnt.