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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask dd to apologise to her dad?

83 replies

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 15:48

Dd put some washing in the machine earlier, tried to then open the door after we specifically said don't try because it won't open which of course it wouldn't as it it had already started - she used quite a bit of force - and it has now broken the machine. DH has spent all afternoon trying to fix it - l have told dd she needs to just say to her dad sorry if l broke the machine - but she is absolutely refusing and sitting crying because she won't acknowledge she had any part in this.

AIBU to expect a 13 year old to know when she needs to accept she has done wrong?

DH is annoyed because she didn't listen when we told her not to touch the machine but is really trying to fix it and hasn't had a go at her or anything like that - l just feel like she should acknowledge it.

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:56

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:25

The consequence relates to the breakage - so hopefully she will be more careful next time and listen to us.

The phone removal relates to the blatant refusal to apologise - will give her time to think about what she did - and maybe reflect on how her dad has had to spent all Saturday afternoon fixing something she broke.

So the way to get her phone back is to give a false apology.

That's why it's pointless - you're bribing her to lie.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 26/07/2025 16:53

pizzaHeart · 26/07/2025 16:35

And by the way in some machines you can put something in when you forgot it but of course not the whole cycle, just at the beginning so it could be a bit of genuine mistake on her part, not deliberate breaking if it makes sense. I would explain her why it works sometimes but not always.

I‘m not sure that 13 year olds have that level of washing machine knowledge and she was told not to do it anyway.

Good level parenting @notanothersummercold, perfect.

pizzaHeart · 26/07/2025 16:49

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:40

She wouldn't know that to be fair - but we told her to not even try but she knew best and tried anyway - that's the issue really, the not listening

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I know what you are talking about. DD did the same with a fridge shelf trying to take it out ☹️
Your DD could have heard that it’s possible so I would ask her why she did it. Also she probably followed this misconception that if you can’t open something try harder. I certainly had this idea for quite a while in my head ( quite a few broken things as a result).
She deserves to be told off but I still maintain that specific apology to her dad is too much. He could just gave up and call someone. It’s the consequence of one thing not two separate ones.

zebrastripesarefun · 26/07/2025 16:48

I would ask her to pay part of repair costs but wouldn’t take her phone off her as well

Everydayimhuffling · 26/07/2025 16:43

She should pay either way, but yes taking her phone for refusing to acknowledge fault seems fair. It's also fair to have her wash her own stuff by hand for as long as it takes to repair or replace the washing machine. Tbh, it's useful to know how to hand wash your clothes anyway.

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:40

pizzaHeart · 26/07/2025 16:35

And by the way in some machines you can put something in when you forgot it but of course not the whole cycle, just at the beginning so it could be a bit of genuine mistake on her part, not deliberate breaking if it makes sense. I would explain her why it works sometimes but not always.

She wouldn't know that to be fair - but we told her to not even try but she knew best and tried anyway - that's the issue really, the not listening

OP posts:
AuntyDepressant · 26/07/2025 16:37

Adding ‘if’ is not properly acknowledging fault. For example Sorry ‘if’ I upset you is not a real apology when you absolutely did upset someone. She absolutely did break the door.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/07/2025 16:36

Apology or not, I think she should pay for the parts out of her own money.

pizzaHeart · 26/07/2025 16:35

And by the way in some machines you can put something in when you forgot it but of course not the whole cycle, just at the beginning so it could be a bit of genuine mistake on her part, not deliberate breaking if it makes sense. I would explain her why it works sometimes but not always.

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:34

Ponoka7 · 26/07/2025 16:29

What's her behaviour like normally? Have you spoken to her to find out what's going on? I wouldn't just jump to punishment, I'd try to understand how it all came about.

It's OK- typical teenager - has a very nice life - good group of friends - acts a bit entitled sometimes and doesn't always realise how lucky she is. But is very stubborn and will argue with everything if she's in that kind of a mood. Nothing untowards going on So don't feel like l need to dig deep xx

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 26/07/2025 16:33

I wouldn’t actually. And I’m very strict. I would give her a serious bollocking for not listening and for broken machine as a result, I would withhold some of her pocket money but I wouldn’t demand a specific apology to Dad for fixing machine.
It does sounds way too much for me.

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:29

Tia247 · 26/07/2025 16:25

Why was she trying to open the door when the washing machine was going?

She forgot to put something in.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 26/07/2025 16:29

What's her behaviour like normally? Have you spoken to her to find out what's going on? I wouldn't just jump to punishment, I'd try to understand how it all came about.

Tia247 · 26/07/2025 16:25

Why was she trying to open the door when the washing machine was going?

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:25

The consequence relates to the breakage - so hopefully she will be more careful next time and listen to us.

The phone removal relates to the blatant refusal to apologise - will give her time to think about what she did - and maybe reflect on how her dad has had to spent all Saturday afternoon fixing something she broke.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 26/07/2025 16:21

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:19

You have to decide for yourself how you parent.

Consequences are known to be more effective - which is the cost of the part.

If you want to punish, that's up to you, but confiscating the phone is not going to achieve anything.

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🙄

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:19

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:14

Thank you.

I don't think it's vindictive either - usually the punishment needs to fit the crime but l can hardly confiscate a (broken) washing machine - ooh l could make her do all the washing by handGrin

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You have to decide for yourself how you parent.

Consequences are known to be more effective - which is the cost of the part.

If you want to punish, that's up to you, but confiscating the phone is not going to achieve anything.

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:16

user1473878824 · 26/07/2025 16:11

She broke a washing machine after specifically being told not to do something and then sat around crying and didn’t apologise while her dad fixed it. It’s not “vindictive” it’s a punishment.

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Punishments teach nothing of value.

Consequences (paying the cost) teach something of value.

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:14

user1473878824 · 26/07/2025 16:11

She broke a washing machine after specifically being told not to do something and then sat around crying and didn’t apologise while her dad fixed it. It’s not “vindictive” it’s a punishment.

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Thank you.

I don't think it's vindictive either - usually the punishment needs to fit the crime but l can hardly confiscate a (broken) washing machine - ooh l could make her do all the washing by handGrin

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 26/07/2025 16:11

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:04

The money - fine.

Removing the phone - vindictive.

Often young people don't apologise because they panic then deny or get defensive to avoid feeling bad.

Give it time to calm down, give her space to reflect.

A lot of people demand performative apologies, but a genuine sorry two days later is worth more.

Show quote history

She broke a washing machine after specifically being told not to do something and then sat around crying and didn’t apologise while her dad fixed it. It’s not “vindictive” it’s a punishment.

verycloakanddaggers · 26/07/2025 16:04

notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 15:52

Thanks everyone- thought l was going to get a flaming!!

So if she doesn't, l am going to withhold pocket money to pay for the part needed. And she will lose her phone for the rest of the weekend which is nothing to do with what has happened but will give her time to reflect

Her main concern was about her clothes that were stuck in the machine!! I know teenagers are selfish but seriously!!!

Edited

The money - fine.

Removing the phone - vindictive.

Often young people don't apologise because they panic then deny or get defensive to avoid feeling bad.

Give it time to calm down, give her space to reflect.

A lot of people demand performative apologies, but a genuine sorry two days later is worth more.

Original poster
notanothersummercold · 26/07/2025 16:02

heroinechic · 26/07/2025 15:58

Did anyone see her try to open it? I’m just wondering as you say she’s refusing to acknowledge she had any part it in. Is she saying she didn’t do it; or she did do it, but that it didn’t cause the machine to break?

The fact she’s sitting crying makes me think she feels guilty about it. Forcing an apology isn’t a genuine apology and so is meaningless anyway. I’d give her a bit of space and see if she apologises later.

We heard her then she came upstairs and said the door won't open - and we both said well no we told you not to try - didn't relise itnwas broken until later so full confession from the horse's mouth!

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 26/07/2025 16:02

Yes she needs to apologise but I would give her time. Currently she is wound up and possibly embarrassed by doing this. I would give her space and time to process this as she isn't ready to say sorry but if she hasn't apologised by this evening then I would start implementing the consequences.

MyUmberSeal · 26/07/2025 16:00

Yes, she absolutely does need to apologise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2025 15:59

hepsitemiz · 26/07/2025 15:55

She should leave the “if” bit out of her apology. “Sorry I broke the machine” (not “Sorry if I broke the machine”).
And yes she should at least help pay for getting it fixed.

Edited

Yes. She did break it, there’s no if. And it wasn’t a mistake or an accident, you told her not to, she did it anyway! She should have offered to pay for it and a half arsed apology, even if you get one, shouldn’t stop her having to.