Husband has become very nasty

Your poor children

He’s had enough of your shit and is now looking at a future where you excuse all your bad behaviour behind a diagnosis… can’t blame him for reaching the end of his tether there at all!

What does he say when you approach the matter at a time when you haven't just had a row? You both need to work towards a solution before you reach the point of no return.

I wish you well in your mental health recovery but you’re being super unreasonable. Sorry.

My husband noticed when I became more snappy and it was perimenopause. I got help from the GP, though did end up having a breakdown last year.

My husband has always been a terrible ranter, and I do look back with bemusement, that my change from being placid to snappy put him in such a spin. He admits he feels better after his rants, and refuses to accept that the recipient is left feeling like the shock absorber for his moods.

You should stick with getting help but try and have some awareness that your husband is at breaking-point.

I don't think you're in a very strong position to calling your husband nasty OP.

I think you both need to sit down and decide whether this relationship can be saved, whether it should be saved, and whether you are both prepared to do the hard yards, both on yourselves, and the relationship, to save it.

Either way, you need to sort out how to deal with your feelings without needing a punching bag to sit there and take whatever you want to dish out. Neurodivergent or not, this is not an acceptable thing to expect or ask of another human being, it is being abusive.

OP if you are diagnosed as ND it is still no excuse for using your DH as a verbal punch bag. It sounds like he is at the end of his tether now with you.

You need to consider how your behaviour is impacting others. Do you rant and rave at anybody else or just him?

Imagine this from a bloke?

“I often rant and rage at my wife and I’ve done it for years - now she’s doing it back to me! AIBU to wish she’d just go back to letting me shout at her with no consequence? It’s no good for our children having us both raging”.

Op what you don't seem to understand is that he can't control it anymore. He has clearly reached the end of his tether with you. It may be his feelings have changed or his own mental health isn't up to it but either way your potential diagnosis is no way allows you to abuse him like this and honestly he can kill any relationship .

I don’t think op is saying what she did is ok. Op you both need to talk. That’s what it’s all about.

How old are you OP?

peri menopause rage?

or are these angry voices coming from your childhood/past, possibly?

either way, get yourself to a therapist AND a doctor.

at least you recognise it, that’s half the battle, and you have the power to make the changes

wishing you so much luck. You are worth it, I promise x

Maybe he isn’t doing intentionally either, but is also just getting wound up, @Bluuue0?

It is unreasonable to expect him to carry on absorbing your bad moods and poor treatment of him without reacting. I appreciate that you are taking steps to improve, and that is admirable, but in the meantime you need to lay off him.

You need to find a better way to communicate when you are getting towards the point where you will snap at him - sit down and talk to him and ask him how he’d like you to communicate that things are building up inside you, and what you can best do to avoid having a go at him, to cope with your feelings.

Maybe you say to him “Dh - I’m getting wound up - I’m going to go and listen to some music/have a walk/read for a while, so I can calm down - OK?”

Learn to recognise the warning signs and have strategies in place to take the feelings down rather than taking them out on your dh.

So now he’s treating you as you have him for a long time and you dont like it!

Sorry you are going to have to grin and bear it, get through your therapy and make good with him

or leave

Oh well, now he’s getting wound up too. Good luck with that.

Your relationship sounds toxic on both sides. Either you spend time and money on counselling (individual and couple) or you call it quits. Carrying on as you are is going to lead nowhere good.

I hadn’t even considered this actually!

What are you doing to manage your feelings and behaviour? You’re taking steps to explore a ND diagnosis but that in itself won’t change your behaviour. My 2 older children are both ND and while I accept them for who they are, they have to help me to help them manage their actions when it’s needed.

This is a reverse isn't it?

I'm guessing the environment has never been great for your children, irrespective of your husband's recent behavior.

It sounds like you need anger management.

Been here before and my question is -
Are you taking it out on your children too?
If its a yes, you need to do far more to address this immediately.
it it’s a no then you do have control over it. So control yourself around your husband. No one is there to be your emotional punching bag.

Do you expect him to stay silent and take it? You are abusive and good for him for acting back. He needs to leave.

Being ND is not an excuse to treat people badly.

I feel for your DH. And your DC having to witness this.

However, whereas previously my husband would just ignore my moods, he will now react with lots of shouting, swearing and silent treatment.

With all due respect OP, I don’t think DH was previously ‘ignoring’ your moods, he was putting up with your venting without retaliating. However it’s obviously not sustainable hence him snapping, the silent treatment is probably because despite your apologies, he’s very hurt or psychologically affected to point he is unable to immediately bounce back to his usual self.

Cant you ask your GP for therapy to manage your condition? I think you need to be a little more proactive with this for the sake of all of you. You shouldn’t need to wait for a formal diagnosis for this treatment since it’s something that’s happening now.

duplicate post