Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don't want to go out to dinner with this family member.

89 replies

Poodlelove · 26/07/2025 09:05

They have 2 teenagers who have always sat at the table on their phones.
The mum orders for them as they can't keep their eyes off their phones.
They don't eat all of their main meal but both parents then ask them if they want dessert , and they always mumble " yes".
Then the mother asks them what they want and they don't look at the menu , she reads the menu to them.
They get asked if they want another drink so they quickly drink up their current drink and order another.
To me going out for a meal is a treat but to them it's a weekly thing.I cannot justify spending so much money on a meal , we decide if we are going to have a starter or a dessert , I know it sounds like we are tight but really we don't earn enough to budget for this unless it is for a special occasion.
This family are coming to visit again soon and have invited other people too.Everone is apparently looking forward to it , where as I am working all day ( minimum wage) and dreading it.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
NeedATreat · 26/07/2025 14:16

I honestly don’t see the problem here. If you want to go out with them then go, and if you don’t then don’t.

Ellmau · 26/07/2025 13:59

Why would she say that she'd love to come? She wouldn't.

To keep the peace? This is family, not a friend who you can just stop being friends with.

She could just say, I don't want to. But she's come on here to get advice because she's not comfortable being blunt...

Screamingabdabz · 26/07/2025 11:41

That mother is doing them no favours. I’m a bit subversive so I would go to the meal and be the irritating aunty and keep asking them questions and interrupting their phone use. I’d definitely take the piss a bit “oh come on Sue, they can read the menu themselves, they’re not surgically attached to those phones… are they?”

LoveWine123 · 26/07/2025 11:29

I can’t figure out what your problem is here. If you can’t afford to eat out then decline the invite. I don’t understand what their teens have to do with you going to a meal with their parents and why you spent the majority of the post judging how and what they order. What does it matter to you? Are you paying for it? Can you articulate the actual problem?

Trovindia · 26/07/2025 11:25

What exactly is the issue? You can't afford it? You don't like that they can? You don't like the teens on their phone? You don't like how they parent?

If you can be clear on the issue then we can help.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/07/2025 11:22

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/07/2025 10:45

I don’t get this. Concentrate on yourself and your own meal. What they order or don’t order is no skin of your nose. Plus I can’t get worked up by teens on their phones.

If the whole thing bothers you that much then politely decline.

I'm assuming that they just split the bill equally between everyone (apart from the teens), so OP will end up subsidising this family, having ordered much less herself due to finances.

BeanQuisine · 26/07/2025 11:07

If you don't feel like going out there's nothing at all wrong with just saying "Sorry, I don't feel like going out" and to make it long term, just add "these days".

There's no need to lie (or to add "because your teenagers are rude zombies who put me off my food, which I can't really afford anyway").

GAJLY · 26/07/2025 11:03

Just message saying, sorry I can't make it. I'm not sure why you're mad that they don't see meals as a treat like you do?! They obviously have more money. It's fine to refuse due to finances.

Cheesetoastiees · 26/07/2025 10:47

This actually wouldn’t bother me, at least I could converse with the adults. I’d probably privately think it’s a shame they are so addicted to their phones and judge it a bit but then I’d get on with my meal and enjoy the company.

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/07/2025 10:45

I don’t get this. Concentrate on yourself and your own meal. What they order or don’t order is no skin of your nose. Plus I can’t get worked up by teens on their phones.

If the whole thing bothers you that much then politely decline.

Lanternsarenice · 26/07/2025 10:43

Pick somewhere you order from the table with your phone. Then you just order your own.

HoppingPavlova · 26/07/2025 10:41

Just organise upfront for separate bills so you are not contributing towards the teens? Problem solved.

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:39

Ellmau · 26/07/2025 10:38

They're family, they know you're not a high earner.

Just say sorry, you'd love to come but you can't afford to.

Why would she say that she'd love to come? She wouldn't.

Ellmau · 26/07/2025 10:38

They're family, they know you're not a high earner.

Just say sorry, you'd love to come but you can't afford to.

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:38

Coffeeishot · 26/07/2025 10:34

It is just goes round and round doesn't it? I volunteered for years and on the training part of the course was a module on assertiveness it was great and really taught me how to say no or that doesn't work for me, i passed it on to my.Dds who were teenagers at the time and they are also able to say no.

Show quote history

I think that's a very valuable lesson, particularly for girls, who are socialised to be people pleasers. Learning to be assertive for your own benefit, without being rude, is an essential skill!

SaintGermain · 26/07/2025 10:37

i would t sit at a table with two ignorant teenagers. Neither would anyone in my family.

Phones are put away and only used if an emergency call is received.

Absolutely disgusting behaviour and the parents should give them the option not to come so they can enjoy the family meal and the teenagers can sit at home being brainless dimwits.

Coffeeishot · 26/07/2025 10:34

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:28

Yes, you're right, it's people pleasing, but it never solves the problem, does it?
"I've got an upset stomach"
"We'll do it next week when you're better"....

Show quote history

It is just goes round and round doesn't it? I volunteered for years and on the training part of the course was a module on assertiveness it was great and really taught me how to say no or that doesn't work for me, i passed it on to my.Dds who were teenagers at the time and they are also able to say no.

BCBird · 26/07/2025 10:33

I can understand your feelings. If u are on a tight budget eating out should be a pleasure. To think you could spend a week's food money on it and yet not enjoy the experience is galling. Im.in the camp of eating out is a treat not a weekly occurrence. We can' t make it this time is what I'd say. Phones at tables is one of my pet hates.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 26/07/2025 10:30

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:28

Yes, you're right, it's people pleasing, but it never solves the problem, does it?
"I've got an upset stomach"
"We'll do it next week when you're better"....

Show quote history

Better to say no than lie and still get roped into something you don't want to go to at a later date.

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:28

Coffeeishot · 26/07/2025 10:26

Well done, I think the lying is people pleasing isn't it ? We don"t want others to.be upset or "cause a fuss" saying no i won't manage is liberating.

Show quote history

Yes, you're right, it's people pleasing, but it never solves the problem, does it?
"I've got an upset stomach"
"We'll do it next week when you're better"....

Coffeeishot · 26/07/2025 10:26

BananaCaramel · 26/07/2025 10:22

I felt inspired this week and went for a “sorry I’m not going to be able to make that work” rather than lying and it was…fine!!

Show quote history

Well done, I think the lying is people pleasing isn't it ? We don"t want others to.be upset or "cause a fuss" saying no i won't manage is liberating.

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:23

BananaCaramel · 26/07/2025 10:22

I felt inspired this week and went for a “sorry I’m not going to be able to make that work” rather than lying and it was…fine!!

Show quote history

Exactly! Plus, it's actually quite liberating!

BananaCaramel · 26/07/2025 10:22

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:06

This. People on here always suggest lying, why? Just be honest. It's not relaxing or enjoyable for you, so just say "no thank you".

Show quote history

I felt inspired this week and went for a “sorry I’m not going to be able to make that work” rather than lying and it was…fine!!

ScarlettOYara · 26/07/2025 10:06

LlynTegid · 26/07/2025 10:04

Just politely decline.

This. People on here always suggest lying, why? Just be honest. It's not relaxing or enjoyable for you, so just say "no thank you".

LlynTegid · 26/07/2025 10:04

Just politely decline.

Swipe left for the next trending thread