Don't want to go out to dinner with this family member.

Eating with friends, everyone pays for their own and drinks. Why do people find it so hard to say NO THANKS.

OP, I think we need clarification on a few things before we can judge if you are being unreasonable or give advice. Mainly, who is paying? Are you treating everyone, is the bill being split or is everyone paying for themselves?

If you are expected to pay for everyone, either decline or set parameters as to what you can afford before you go out. You can also host them at your home and cook a meal or bring in take-out. You can also suggest leaving the teens at your home or their hotel with take-out while just the adults go out.

If the bill is being split equally, just tell them that you can't afford that and would like to just get a separate check for your meal and only pay for what you consume.

If you are only paying for what you order, then you need to ignore what they order. It is none of your business if they allow their kids to get extra drinks or desserts. People have different parenting around finishing food and getting desserts/drinks. Their parenting isn't your concern.

As far as them being on their phones at the table, just focus on visiting with the parents. The teens aren't interested in visiting and the parents aren't forcing the issue. Again, suggesting the parents leave the teens at their accommodations would fix this, but if they refuse, just focus on visiting with the parents.

I think these brat teens need to wake up to the real world. They are obviously massively spoilt, by silly over indulgegent parents and don't appreciate the value of money. l bet a lot of their friends are the same. Like young me only type children
I want, l want, l want. blah de blah. Just avoid them. They don't sound much fun. Have no respect for anyone and frankly not worth bothering about

What on earth has any of that got to do with OP and dinner though? It falls under the ‘not my circus, not my monkeys’ banner and is the kids parents problem to deal with, not OP’s. None of it has anything to do with OP. The only problem would be if OP had to pay extra because the kids are having an extra soft drink and eating desert, which seemed to cause consternation in the initial message. Fair enough, but that’s easily solved by not splitting the bill, just clarify that up front and there doesn’t need to be this big drama.

I'd be judging them as well. If you are just going to gawp at your phone all the time you shouldn't be there, you can do that at home. Too many smart-phone-dumb-users in this country, mostly just getting in the way because, like a drunkard, they can't walk in a straight line or have any situational awareness.

I think these brat teens need to wake up to the real world. They are obviously massively spoilt, by silly over indulgegent parents and don't appreciate the value of money.

l bet a lot of their friends are the same. Like young me only type children
I want, l want, l want. blah de blah.

Just avoid them. They don't sound much fun. Have no respect for anyone and frankly not worth bothering about.

Can't they stay in a hotel and why do you have to pay for it? Cancel and say you have overtime at work

Hello to the no on this one

Why don't you say something? I'd say there no point as X&Y are constantly on their phone. If your family can't give you a reality check, who can?

I don't think there's enough info given here for us to be able to help much.

For ex. if this is a close family member who you don't see very often, repeatedly turning down their offers to meet up might effectively be severing a family tie. Is that what you want?

Income levels change and bored teenagers grow up. So it's also possible that you'll enjoy these dinners more sometime, maybe sometime soon.

You might like it better with the other people there. Perhaps they find these meet ups unsatisfying too and are trying to improve them by including more people.

And how close of relatives are they?

Also, can you meet up with them in a different way that you might like better, like having them over to your house or whatever?

And, I don't get why you care if the teens are on their phones, unless you're also a teen and feel snubbed by them or something. It sounds like they're quiet and inobtrusive and just don't really want to be there, either.

You also didn't say if the check is split, if you're paying for part of the disinterested teenagers' desserts etc. Or if you just don't think they deserve them or what is going on with that.

Are you bringing anything to the table to try to improve this situation or only silent complaints? Is there anything you can do to improve the meet ups with them?

So, if you explain the situation more, you'll probably get better advice.

Sorry we can’t make that, maybe we can meet up the next day just for a coffee without our kids…

This.

Parenting other people’s children is an overreach.

If the OP can’t afford a restaurant meal, she should simply say so.

You can be polite and not tie yourself in knots with made up stories .you can say no without being an arsehole.

I think it’s being polite/not an asshole. Why do people find that so difficult.

I just think don't go, if you want to see them on their visit, suggest something else (invite them round, go for a walk, meet for a coffee). They're not forcing you to go, you've (it sounds like) never suggested you dislike these meals, so they're assuming you're having fun and they want to see you, so they invite you.
They're entitled to parent how they want, and their kids are entitled to eat how they want. It's perfectly OK to leave some main and have a pudding, I do that most of the time as i find portions too large but still have a sweet tooth, I don't mind my kids doing that, it's not a heinous crime and i would rather they enjoy what they do eat and learn to listen to their gut when theyre full, rather than force down chips or burgers to ensure they get the "reward" of a pudding.

However, if you don't want to be around that, or disagree, that's absolutely your choice and you are entitled to your opinion - and if you're splitting the bill then I can see why it would be frustrating, especially if you're all in different financial positions. So don't go. It really is sad people seek to hear "you're right those people are awful" rather than just going "that situation isn't for me thanks, I'll decline on this occasion" you don't need a reason or an excuse or validation that you're right, you can do whatever you like (within the law) and you don't want to do this - so don't.

It’s more that I don’t see the OPs problem; either go or don’t go, it’s not a complex scenario. Personally I find it difficult to believe that these teens are so immersed in their phones that they’re incapable of reading the menu and require their mother to read it to them.

I can’t see how this affects you unless you’re splitting the bill. Just give the teens the same amount of attention they give you and enjoy catching up with your friends.

I can’t believe all the people who can’t see the problem. Letting teens behave like that is unbelievably bad parenting and is doing them absolutely no favours. It would drive me mad too.

Are you paying for them? Is that the problem?
Otherwise, just leave them to it, it doesn't impact you.

This. Why are you so bothered about their teenagers behaviour? I can't see that it's really anything to do with you tbh (unless you are paying for their meals of course).

Please tell me the family of four pay for their own meals and don’t expect you to go halves on the whole bill? If they do shame on them!!! I just wouldn’t go

Just pay for your own food. Make it clear from the start you will not be involved in bill splitting

Completely ignore the rude behaviour of the teens.

Engage with the other adults at the table but if the parents can't be bothered actually parenting and pulling their kids up and enable their lack of manners, then tune it out.

I’m not sure what the main issue is. Kids on their phones? I wouldn’t tolerate that, they can join in the conversation. I recently took 40 kids abroad, nobody was allowed on their phone at table, I asked them to put them away and actually speak to one another. Took 100+ kids camping last month and school policy is no phones on that trip. They all survived.

Is it the financial output because you don’t enjoy the meals out? Just say no.

Are they staying with you? They can go without you, you just don’t want to go. It’s quite easy.

YANBU. Can you just say money is tight right now so you can’t eat out?

And don’t get sucked into hosting either.

What on earth did teenagers do during family meals before they got given a get out free jail card to stare mindlessly at a phone ...?We used to talk to people... Perhaps play silly paper games etc.

But at no point would we be allowed to opt out of the company/chatting/socialising etc