AIBU to expect him to prepare the campervan ahead of departure, so that it is ready for just final bags to be added the morning of departure?

Sat in my van right now having a second brew!

I usually try to take half day before a big trip away as we like to do a full clean through together (van isn't stored at home all the time so can't do it over time).
OH does all the mechanical bits by that he makes sure fridge is working properly, we've the electric cables we need, toilet done, gets water on board, sorts all bits like bbq, power banks etc.
I do interior clean out and sort the dogs things.
We do our own clothes. Food shop together.

Weekend's away are literally shove clothes and washbags in. Fill water container and load dog.

YANBU. If he's on the spectrum, I'm sure he's capable of looking online for a template checklist of how to prepare a campervan for a holiday and attempting to work through it. It sounds like he lacks initiative.

If the kids are also picking up on him not being present, it's time to talk to him about cutting back on the voluntary work and doing more for the kids and household. It sounds like him having at least a part time job would be a smart move if he's not good at running the household.

Your children are teenagers yet your DH chooses not to get a paid job? Are you ok with that?

You beat me to it. He indulges in his hobby, whilst you pick up the pieces. If he’s organised to do all this voluntary stuff, he’s capable of getting a job.

To answer your question, yes, he should have got the campervan ready, and has no excuse not to.

This. I’d tell him to prepare the campervan or not come, his family are not going to come a poor second to his deciding to do extra volunteering, and we would talk properly after the holidays as you are finding it really difficult that he neither parents, earns or looks after the things that need doing.

So sorry op, I didn’t intend to suggest you’re the bitch! Far from it. I spotted it because my dh is similar; we are both nd and work together to find solutions and work on the areas we find difficult.

As others have said, though, being nd does not give him an excuse. It can be helpful to understand why a person may be finding things difficult, but it should absolutely mean he works to improve.

My dh could be considered a lazy bastard, but because I know and understand him - and he talks to me! I see where he’s struggling, we discuss how he feels (lots of guilt and shame in there!) and we work out plans and techniques to help him achieve what he needs to. He cares about making sure I’m not stuck with overload though.

The change has to come from him; but understanding where he’s coming from helps me too. We’re a great team, which is worth it!

We sold our camper van, had some great times, some of our best family holidays which I hope DC will look back on, but became another chore, I don’t miss the preparation and unpacking, especially when I went back full time. Holidays for me now are ones where I can get a break from the thinking about what we are going to eat etc, and someone else looking after me for a bit.

I'd suggest you talk to him after the holiday about this contribution to the household generally. He could surely do more paid work in martial arts teaching?

My ex did routes, prepping van etc, I sorted food. He said we'd eat out- 3 meals a day- I don't think so. Eating out was a treat.

Give him a list of exactly what you want him to do and when.

He should be doing all the prep. If he doesn't bring in.money and ut is needed what is his contribution? I'd sit him.down and review the way things are. It's not fair.

I think your biggest issue is that you seem to have an OH who's not bringing anything to the table.
Did you actually expect him to prep the van or in the back of your mind did you know he wouldn't do it?
It all sounds exhausting for you, I'm completely on your side btw.
We sold our van last year, I was the one who always prepped it (I'm a control freak😄)
Tbh, I loved it, cleaning the inside, making sure we had everything, it was my happy place.
Dp's job was charging the leisure battery and fueling it.
Im actually jealous of you setting off on your adventure.
I've nothing helpful to add but I empathise.
Hope you have a lovely trip despite your hopeless OH!

I find it strange that he volunteers to teach. Surely the pupils are paying to learn as there is a need to rent space.

We leave the campervan set up and ready to go when we return from the last holiday. I am assuming from your post this is a self build. You need to ask him why it's not finished when he has so much time

one of my friends is just divorcing a man like this. Only works very PT but also does nothing at home. The agreement was he would work PT while kids were small. They are both now adults. He’s still doing fuck all.

DS used to do martial arts. the teacher was lovely but the set up of the club and many other MA clubs seemed like something half way between pyramid selling and a cult. They suck you in. They charge you a fortune. You have to buy expensive robes and belts and enter all sorts of tournaments, and then as a reward, you get to teach and do stuff for the club unpaid! Meanwhile some bloke at the top of the pyramid is raking it in.

I'd find time on the holiday to have a serious chat with him about the uneven burden on you. That he needs to apply some of his attention and work ethic to a job or career that brings in a living wage. And if he won't or can't for whatever reason, then he needs to sort out his priorities and decide family comes first. family tops everything - the club, its demands etc, so it is easy for him to decide he will prep the campervan or make the tea or focus on DC above all else. And if the club starts complaining, he needs to tell them he has to step down to focus on earning income to provide for his family.

Many ND people are able to have a job, take care of themselves (and others) and function in a way that contributes. Being ND means that he may do things differently, but it doesn’t make it wrong. You are not mean for being frustrated, and certainly it is reasonable that he contributes to life and the household - it’s not a pass for doing nothing.

maybe I’ve read too much into this, but is this campervan one of those ‘projects’ where he has meant to conver something into a camper? I ask because of the kitchen comment. If that’s the case and he doesn’t work, how has it been left until now? You ANBU to expect it to be sorted when you have arranged a holiday and I imagine discussed departure and what’s needed from the van?

His current work situation is not paying the bills and it means he isn't around to parent in the evenings and weekends. This sounds like a hobby to me and he doesn't have a job.
Getting ready for a holiday can be stressful but then you mention screwing the kitchen in to the camper van. That is definitely something he should have done already if you want to set off on holiday. So I don't think he is pulling his weight. You are doing 100%.

Yet another person who seems to sugges that ND /adhd [not diagnosed] is an excuse for lazy /bad behaviour. 🙄

I think it's reasonable for everyone who is going on the holiday to contribute to the preparations, including teenagers. It's what he does not do the rest of the time that would bother me.

Why isn't he working ? Volunteering is great but why is his family not a priority?

Cocklodger comes to mind.
I wouldn't put up with it, get a paid job, or I need to reconsider the future. There are more problems here than a campervan.

He sounds like a giant freeloading child that you have adopted and agreed to fully pay for AND he’s getting the biggest slice of cake while your actual children are forced to carry his chores just for the privilege of lining up for the cake while he’s merrily eating his way through it as you stand and watch.

Why doesn’t he work?

I just couldn't get past him living his best life while you work full time OP. That's wild unless there's a good medical reason for him being out of work.

Enjoy your holiday but do also reflect on the fairness of your overall situation. It sounds terribly imbalanced.

He just expects to be able to pitch up to everything in life doesn't he, and someone else will have done all the work. Appealing.