Sad about wedding

The fact that you are feeling sad for his departed wife says wonderful things about you! Most women wouldn't even think about that!

Yes your day isn't how you pictured it to be, but your partner has you, and it means you'll both have a lovely marriage ❤️

Does you partner not really want to get married?

Why wouldnt you both turn it into a celebration of you both starting a new chapter?

Buy an outfit you like, get some photos in nice setting- friends had lovely ones feom grounds of registry office took by her mum.

Go for a picnic after or even make a special meal at home if money is an issue.

Its the start of something special after so much sadness

Have you thought about reframing this.

Your fiancé's first wife was loved and by the sounds of things was loving. Your fiancé's experience of marriage was such that he wants to do it again. I rather think she would have liked you and would want both of you to be happy. Take that love and joy into your wedding and your marriage. That feels like it would honour both her memory and potentially would be want she would want.

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary and I know if I wasn't here I would want my dh to have joy and happiness again. And my grown up children to have someone they could grow to love.

I got married relatively recently after being with my partner a long time. For various reasons I won't go into, the lead up to the wedding and the wedding itself was almost entirely dictated by his needs and mental health. I thought leading up to it that all that mattered was that we were getting married.

I now regret letting it happen like that. I didn't think I cared that much about the wedding day but now when I see people have these lovely celebrations, cherishing their memories, their photos etc, it makes me so sad. People might say it's just one day and it's the marriage that counts but I can't help but think your wedding day sets the tone for your marriage.

Please think about this. It sounds like your wedding day isn't at all how you want it and I worry that this is a reflection of your future to come. You deserve so much more, you don't deserve to live in someone else's shadow xxxx

OP this doesn't sound like a love match at all. No one should get married solely for legal reasons....You sound sad, not your usual bride. Is your gut trying to tell you something here??

You sound as if this wedding is worth nothing because his first wife is the ‘real’ one. Stop this.

Your relationship is different and actually worth more, because he chooses to be with you in the here and now. His wife, with all due respect, is dead and in the past. If he’s still haunted and living in the past then you shouldn’t be shackling yourself to him. call it off.

If he is fully committed to you and your future, then you should honour that with the right spirit towards your vows. Not jeans. Not sadness toward his dead wife. Just hope and joy. Life is for the living. Live it.

Are you confusing getting married and having a wedding.

You wouldn't be getting married if his 1st wife was still alive.

You can celebrate however you want on the day,

buy a dress if you want

invite more family if you want

invite friends if you want

have a bouquet of flowers if you want

have a meal afterwards if you want
or a party

if you want

Why no rings - lots of women choose to wear a wedding ring - do YOU want to ?

You have time to choose music if you want some, but of course check with the Registrar what is and isn't allowed.

Why do you HAVE to get married?

My husband and I didn't have wedding rings. He'd probably wear one if I wanted him to but I don't like them.

Cancel.

You can still have a lovely dress and rings.

Have a nice low key day. Enjoy it x

I was married in a registry office. 2 friends as witnesses; no music or rings, no vows beyond the legal minimum and only a few non professional photos. I did wear a very nice, but not new and not white dress. We went for a very expensive meal afterwards. It was exactly what I wanted.

First post nails it.
You’re doing the legal bit but the relationship you have before and after is just the same and just as wonderful regardless of a signature.
I understand your sadness. I hope this doesn’t seem an awful suggestion- Perhaps imagine you were his dead wife and how happy you would be, to know your husband and child had found someone wonderful, kind and loving enough to give them the chance of being a full family again. I think that is what you should be thinking and feeling. 🤗

I’m getting serious Rebecca vibes. Why no rings and no pretty dress? So sad, this should be a joyous occasion regardless of what has happened before

We have to get married for various legal reasons

If these legal reasons vanished, would you still be marrying him?

I think if anything it should be an absolutely joyous occasion, this man has found another chance of love and his DC has been lucky enough to have a kind, considerate person enter their life. Some people don't get that once in life, they have been so lucky to find that again.

I hope you are okay OP.

He may have been married before but he's never married YOU before. It's okay for you both to be happy x

Why didn’t you just do a civil partnership? Then you’d just sign something and be done without feeling like it’s some half-hearted wedding. .

Do you want a nice dress? If so then buy a dress you like.

I don't think his late wife has anything at all to do with your wedding day. Your soon to be husband should be feeling incredibly lucky to have met you, and have a second chance at love. And even if you choose to have a simple wedding, it should still be joyful and celebratory. You aren't some kind of inferior placeholder! Do you feel this way? Or has your fiancé said or implied that he's had a 'proper' wedding and just wants to do some sort of perfunctory service and then it's done? I just feel a bit uneasy for you.

Do you want to have a bigger day? You could do that if you wanted. Just because he’s been married before doesn’t mean you can’t. It is so sad that his first wife died, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy and joyful day. But it depends what you and your partner want.

So long as your soon to be husband isn't doing or saying anything to make you feel 'second best' then I think you should allow yourself to feel happiness. If I were to die when my children were young,I would be so comforted to know that someone as lovely as you are there for them, that is what being mother is. It is very sad she died , but you deserve happiness. My friend died young and I felt so sad that that she didn't see her children growing up, so I understand a little.

Could you have the legal part and plan a separate big celebration where you can dress up and have all of your favourite people come together to celebrate with you? A lot of people do that anyway if they get married abroad for example or have a private ceremony

How old is your DSC? Do you not think that it might be nice for them if you celebrated joining their family, while acknowledging their mother's memory? You are not taking her place.

Tbh I think you need to separate the two things - your wedding day should be about you and your family, whereas separately your partner can acknowledge and mourn his first wife and his child's mother.

Your parents are going as witnesses, so why not dress up and go for a nice meal afterwards?

Sounds like your stepchilf is not going to be there - why not?

I think you can keep it small, if that's what you really want, but it should still be a celebration. Does your fiancee know that you're so happy and excited to marry him, or does he think it's just for legal reasons?

Your husband has grieved his wife, I don't think you should be grieving her on your wedding day.

This
Worrying that the occasion is clouded by your sadness