Sad about wedding

“Steelworks · Today 20:50

Please, please don’t do this to yourself. This is YOUR wedding day. It’s a special occasion. You want to remember it as a happy occasion, not an ordeal.
Don’t live your life in the shadow of his late wife. It’s not a way to live. You’re not second best. Accept that life happens and move on.”

Not RTFT but this with bells on. It’s very sad that your fiancé’s first wife died and it’s great that you’re so empathetic, but not to the extent of entirely effacing yourself. 6 years later he’s found happiness with you and that is something to celebrate, not something to shrink from.

Are you sure you want to get married? Your wedding should be one of the happiest days of your life, regardless of whether you’re in jeans at the local town hall or a £20m two week extravaganza in Dubai. You talk about doing it for all sorts of sensible financial reasons, but I do not sense it is something you are doing for love and because it brings you joy. If you didn’t have the sensible reasons would you still be getting married?

This is messed up.

Are you marrying your friends widower so he has a green card or right to remain?
Hence the non-ceremony. Hence you wanting to be his wife (to help him). But no rings etc. (he doesn’t love you).

It sounds like you’re doing him a favour?. A marriage of convenience? Do you realise that prenups are not legally binding in the uk and if you do this he could end up with half your property, money, pension when he asks fur a divorce in Agee years when he meets someone he really does love fancy and wants her?

It all sounds messed up. You appear to be doing this for the wrong reasons. Apologies if I’ve got this wrong.

Is that you, not-Mrs-de-Winter? This is terribly sad to read. How can it be right that your married life is going to start in grief?

No-one would expect your fiancé’s first wife to be written out or ignored, but she should not be the main presence either. Not because me-me-me, but because she just shouldn’t be. Emotionally, the most important people to each other here should be you and your fiancé. And his child - but actually, on your wedding day, the point is that you two are getting married.

i can’t think of something more likely to doom a relationship than to feel, and to make it clear that you feel, so sorry that your husband is not still with his first wife.

Is that harsh? But isn’t it what you are describing?

Something sounds a bit off. Yes, the marriage is the important thing but it is supposed to be a joyous occasion, a reason to celebrate the unity etc.
Find it strange that a lot of your focus is on his dead wife. Is it where his focus is and that's the reason you're going low key?
If you were entirely happy about the wedding plans, you probably wouldn't have posted here. I've had a registry office wedding and shot off immediately after to a mini break in the UK. No guests, no reception. That's what we BOTH wanted, no fuss. It doesn't sound like it's what you want.

Hey OP. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I pray we live a long and healthy life together, but if anything happened to me, I’d want my husband to meet someone wonderful who will love our DC nearly as much as I do. The fact that you are thinking of his wife and children in all this suggests to me that you’re the kind of person she would absolutely give her blessing to and be so relieved you have come into his life and also her precious children’s lives.

But life can be cruel and you can’t let this spoil such a special day. I’d get a dress you feel great in, maybe get a haircut or colour if that’s your thing and celebrate the day with a nice meal afterwards. All th best OP.

Dont marry a man you feel sorry for.

@Anonymous2029 what is it that you want though? It's a ceremony to start your married life together, it should reflect both of you. Set the tone. Together.

Have you been married before, OP?

With love to you OP, his love for his late wife and their wedding shouldn’t take anything away from yours. That’s really sad, and you are being very sensitive to what must be an incredibly difficult situation, but the sadness of that situation doesn’t and shouldn’t diminish joy at you both finding each other and living a happy life together. If this is in any way driven by your partner, then I would truly wonder if this is the right step. Of course, completely appropriate to sit with the grief (and guilt) but with joy for the future. Absolutely not ok to let either of those emotions rule how either of you feel about your special day. I would want my husband to be happy, to look lovely and celebrate, whilst quietly remembering me.

I think you need to see more joy in the day and let yourself enjoy it.

You, and your new life together, deserve celebrating.

You’re feeling sad which means your current plans aren’t right for you. Get a dress, flowers, choose some music and plan a celebration.

Life is about chapters, and people's stories overlap and end at different times but each part of the story is important and this sounds like a very significant part in all of your stories, pledging to be there for each other and the child, promising to take on a prominent role. I would wear something so that when you look back together as a family in years to come it has a sense of beauty and poignancy that the day you become a family really is.

It's ok to feel sad it's a huge day but maybe she guided you to him or vice versa and maybe she can rest knowing her family are loved

Go into a shop you can barely afford and buy something to wear. If it’s jeans…make them your wedding jeans that hug your bum just right and will make you and dh happy. Have it be something special. My mum had her outfit from her registry office in her closet most of my life and I loved seeing it. I bought a sparkly dress for mine and wear it on our anniversary.

Is his ex wife buried/cremated with a grave? Or does the family have a special spot? You can go there before and introduce yourself and ask her blessing (out loud or in your head).

You sound like you consider yourself to be a consolation prize to your FH. That he would have been happier with his wife but she’s not here so he has to put up with you? I hope these feeling do not come from him in any way. You deserve to be someone’s first choice and if that’s not the case I wouldn’t be getting married. Is he over his grief? It sounds like you are carrying his grief for him. I would think of this marriage as a fresh start. A new partnership with each other and your children together.

Why can’t you make more of a day of it and make it a celebration? Yes, a marriage is a million times more than a wedding, but it’s still a moment to celebrate your love. Why would wearing something special and having a low key meal or a party at home be out of the question because your husband sadly lost his first wife? It’s wonderful that you, him and his children have found love and happiness after such sadness x

It’s ok to celebrate your love, even though his wife has sadly gone.

It is YOUR day. Please please make it a day of joy and celebration. For you and him. His last marriage is exactly that. You are a new family now and his wife would be thrilled that her children have a loving step mum to take care of them. And your soon to be husband should allow you to have a beautiful, even if simple day. Get a lovely new dress or suit or whatever you fancy. Get your hair done if you like. Pick some music. It is YOUR day. I hope it is lovely OP.

You need to cut yourself some slack you have every right to be happy. Stop feeling guilty you’re alive and she isn’t. You deserve rings and a dress and a lovely day. You’re not somehow making her feel better by not celebrating properly.

Could you make it a special day for you by having a you-style party?

@Anonymous2029
I’m married to a widower with bereaved children .
I understand how you are feeling.
Feel free to message me if you want to chat.

Why is this day not about you, is it a memorial?

Life is short and uncertain and is over before you know it.

Find some excitement and do the wedding with love, joy and panache.

OP my DM was widowed when I was young. It would have made me incredibly happy, and still would, to see her get married again to someone who truly loved her. I know this is what my DF would have wanted too. As it was, she’s stuck in a horrible relationship with someone and has been for many years. She will never marry him and neither of them want that. I would give anything for her to meet someone lovely and have a lovely wedding ceremony. Even now I find myself hoping it will happen one day. Don’t underestimate how much family wants to see a widowed person find happiness again, no matter how much they loved the late spouse.

I would say stick with the simple ceremony and once the dust has settled, organise a party with your friends and family to celebrate. It takes the pressure off and means you celebrate once you have relaxed into a bit more.

Bloody hell OP! Buy yourself a nice dress and book yourself a hair appointment ffs! You are making this sound like a death sentence rather than your wedding day! Get a grip and enjoy the day (or don’t, and be bloody miserable about it!)

Why on earth are you enforcing misery on what should be the happiest day of your life? Yes, it’s sad that your future husband lost his first wife, but this shouldn’t be the focus of YOUR wedding day!

Just want to say-my DH died age 29.

When I remarried I struggled a bit-felt I was being disloyal etc and then a chance remark my now DH said made me think so differently.

It was going to be our wedding and he didn't want me to only think of my first wedding when I thought of getting married. It is ok to be happy again.

I so respect your feelings re his first wife-but this is the start of your married life with your DH and it is ok to celebrate it.
Please don't be afraid to be joyful-have music, wear something you feel good in.

Set the tone for your life together-respect the past but embrace the future!

I wish you much happiness.