...to not want to go on family holiday with cheating OH?

If it was me, there is no way I would be going on this holiday, no matter how special it was planned to be. But then I wouldn’t still be under the same roof as someone who had cheated on me the same day that I found this out.

Your OH is being completely ridiculous accusing you of destroying the family - she did that with the first kiss with the person she cheated with.

We didn't need to assume, OP was clear his cheating partner is a woman in his OP.

You need to start telling people, OP, because if you don't, she will start blaming you for the breakdown of the marriage.

Start with your mum or dad or a good friend.

And yes, tell her that she needs to stay home and you are going on holiday with the kids, or she will be forcing your hand and make you tell everyone she's a cheating twat.

yes. awful we always assume it’s a man. I hope the OP gets support in real life. Cheating is never ok.

Echoing others – you go on the holiday, she doesn't. If you need help with childcare do you have a friend or relative who can take her place?

Not telling anyone is making this bigger and scarier. Sadly you won't be the first or last person to have been betrayed by a partner – the shame is hers, not yours. Confide in someone, even if it's a priest or a counsellor or a barman (all equally used to it).

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. And you have in no way “destroyed” the family. She did that, with zero input from you.
If you have no one to talk to, I’d suggest you seek some therapy with a qualified psychotherapist. Unlike many on here, I do think there is the possibility of recovery after infidelity but she has to be willing to engage. Currently she’s not and that simply won’t work. It’s hugely selfish of her, just a continuation of her dreadfully selfish behaviour. I absolutely would not be going on holiday with her. Either stay at home or, better yet, leave her at home and take the DC yourself. She’s a fool.

Very good point

You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Please seek some therapy to help you process what she has done and to work through your feelings about it. Don't bottle it up, it's not good for you.

I don't have any advice for the holiday but I really feel for you.

If you can't bear to talk to people in your life about it, please arrange some counselling and get it all out.

I don't know if the kids know any of what's going on but you've been sucking it up for the last 3 months and if they're extremely excited about the once in a lifetime holiday and don't know about the 2 of you - well then I'd be going on it with them.

Start to emotionally detach from your wife - if your plan is to leave then you definitely don't need to discuss what she's done. Concentrate on being a great dad to your kids and seeing their mum as just their mum. Why would you miss the chance to do this amazing thing with them? It's still very early days at 3 months but don't let your wife ruin this holiday for you as well. The children will want her there I'm sure so don't go alone, just concentrate fully on the kids.

Whether you stay or go give yourself 3 years to get over this betrayal, I promise it gets easier but it does take time.

All your actions and feelings lead back to her betrayal. She is the one who destroyed your family, not you. Personally, I’d want the holiday with my kids and I would tell her that I don’t want her to be there. Just a consequence of her cheating. But you can’t force her not to come so I guess I’d think about the logistics of the holiday - will you be busy with the kids all day and able to head to bed early? Will you share a room/bed or can you avoid this? Can you split the time on holiday so you don’t hang out altogether (so take the kids for the morning and then be alone in the afternoon). I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set clear boundaries ahead of time if you choose to go. If you do not go, I think it’s important to start telling people why. It’ll be awful, but you need people who love you to be there for you right now. Use that week to open up to whoever feels right/best. You also need to decide what you’d tell your children.

And please tell your OH to never suggest you are responsible for destroying the family again. The moment she cheated, she lost the right to control the narrative. You get to decide how you heal and recover from this betrayal and she has to take any disappointment as a consequence of the choices she made. I would have a stock line you use when discussing such things that you calmly repeat so it is clear that she cannot manipulate the situation using emotive language when she messed up.

Please go and leave her behind. You and your children shouldn't have to miss out

Also, the audacity of the cheating girlfriend who chose to lead a double life for half a decade getting 'emotional' to demand a holiday? How repulsive.

Remove her from the booking and go yourself with your kids, and plan for a happy future without the woman.

Your partner busted up the family by having an affair.

She's trying to use DARVO on you and playing the victim.

I sure wouldn't be pretending to be happy about it or go on a vacation with a cheating liar. But I'm action oriented and we'd be split.

I agree with @ThinWomansBrain. Stay at home and use the time to work out your future. I’d confide in someone as well, bottling it all up isn’t helping you. 💐

@Jasmin71 if actions have consequences surely the wife should be staying at home

Tell her to take someone else who the children have a good solid relationship with, her mum, sister, best friend etc...
Actions have consequences and she should realise that.

Don’t go. Your dp is the one destroying the family by having an affair, not you.

And I should add from experience, my ex OH bottled it up for 18 years and it broke him til we eventually split.

I saw your other threads and it sounds heartbreaking for you and more so your kids.

I totally get why you've not told a soul but honestly a problem shared really is a problem halved. If there's no one you trust to tell then find a counsellor even if just for yourself a relationship counsellor will have heard it all before.

As for the holiday, maybe she could fein illness and stay home?

The holiday would be tense and unenjoyable. Who owns the house? Look into sorting that, either by selling or telling your girlfriend to leave if it's your property.

You can both parent your kids 50/50.

Why haven’t you told anyone? You need support.
but wow 5 years 😮 that’s beyond low. How old are your children? I assume some of this she must of been pregnant which is even lower.

I know how you feel. I’ve been there myself and while it’s hard, I had to put on a brave face for the children, especially as it’s a once in a lifetime thing as hard as it is, that may be your best bet.
however when your home, tell her you deserve better and you will co parent for the kids but as a relationship you will no longer be around. If you want to that is.

It’s hard to come back from cheating trust me I know I’m going through it myself and it consumes every thought.
Good luck and if you ever need a chat message me sure we can go through advice together 🤣

in all seriousness, you are worth much more you don’t deserve it at all. Cheating in any way shape or form is wrong

You either claim fake illness and send your wife with the kids, or you go, out on a brave face for the kids, be completely focussed on the kids, avoid your wife as much as possible and give the kids one last fun family holiday.

That you can’t face a family holiday is pretty much clear that even if leaving /asking her to leave is scary/difficult/expensive- you can’t salvage this relationship so you need to get it ended as quickly as possible after the trip.

The absolute cheek of HER to accuse YOU of destroying the family. Remind her of her actions.

Do not go on the holiday, it's not worth mentally torturing yourself. If you're comfortable with it then tell her she can still go alone with the kids but you will not be participating in a charade that will eat away at your mental health.

Why haven't you told anyone?