...to not want to go on family holiday with cheating OH?

I would be inclined to say she can stay home and you go on the holiday of a life time and spend quality time with your kids! It would be very hard to co-parent in this situation so early on.. it will ruin the whole holiday experience. Don’t cancel, the kids will be devastated-she’s the one who’s f*cked up so she doesn’t get to decide what happens going forward.

5 years is a crazy amount of time and would be unforgivable for most people. I'm sorry.

I hope your children still get to go on holiday somehow but I wouldn't want to go with her.

I would go for the children then start the process to separate after you're home and the dust has settled. Personally, I wouldn't be able to let my kids be so disappointed like that, or let her horrendous behaviour ruin this for them. Don't be tempted not to separate though, you 100% need out, she has no respect for you.

You need to tell her to find a plausible excuse which means she doesn’t go but you and the kids do. Work or something. She’s a cheeky cow and you desperately need a break from her to sort your head out. When you get back you’ll hopefully have realised how good life will be without her and you’ll sort the separation.

Yeah, I do sometimes holiday with my ex as co parents. We've been separated about 2 and a half years now. First year was awful and you're probably in that period now. But I think if you can have a civilised conversation like you're saying you are, then sit down and set the boundaries, expectations and rules. They don't have to apply forever, just for the time you're away. Separate beds would help but if you can't change it that might be tricky. Our first holiday after separating was about 9 months afterwards (couldn't avoid or cancel it), our DC were young enough not to notice we weren't touching each other. When we got back we both agreed it was important to still do stuff as Mum and Dad. Don't get me wrong, I'm heartbroken we're not together, but we still feel like a family.

Try if you can, and if you can't then don't beat yourself up over it.

Hard no from me. She's put you in a terrible situation and why do you need to play happy families?

Curious as to whether you went/have decided to go?

That;s a tough dilemma, but 3 months since you found out she's been cheating for 5 years must still be raw, like an open wound. I remember me and my OH going away in similar circumstances although it was more than 3 months, but still in that period when we were being 'fake' nice to each other for the sake of the kids. If you're going to go, then set the rules well before you go - no discussion about your relationship, no intimacy and set a time aside well before you go when you can set the boundaries. Oh and have a plan for when you get back to have some time apart to reflect.

she's got a fucking nerve talking about you destroying the family!

don't let her get away with that bullshit for a start.

So in this scenario, I would still go but get a spare room or have the kids each with a parent in separate rooms.
Then I would take it in turns to have the kids either a day each or morning and afternoon shifts. While not with the kids, go get some food, swim, sunbathe, sightsee, take a cooking or surfing lessons, whatever floats your boats.

If the kids ask why just say because we both have some grown up things to do as well so it's easier this way to take turns.

Does it matter? It's not the point.

They shouldn’t get the holiday the cheat, just pointing out the cheat is a woman

OP, protect your mental health, find a therapist to talk to honestly.

Can she stay at home and you go with the children.

The humiliation is hers, she cheated on her children as much as she did you.

OP I get not wanting to talk about it. It makes it real, you’ll have to deal with that persons reaction while dealing with your own. People will want to know what you’re going to do, and that means you have to have an answer.

telling others will really depend on if you plan to try to fix this relationship and stay together or if you plan to split up. If you can’t stand the idea of a holiday together, patching things up seems unlikely.

But if you are going to split up, people will want to know why. The truth is the best option. Telling those you care about while you get to control the message is the best way.

I did, but I don't see the difference in what I said ie op should take the dc and cheating dp should stay home. Don't see why cheating asshole (whatever gender) should get the holiday.

Re read the OP it’s a woman that’s cheated

Oh op I'm so sorry you're going through this. My dh cheated on me last year so I know how devastating it is and what a mess your emotions must be right now.

Of course you're not wrong for not wanting to go and pretend everything's ok when it clearly isn't.

It sounds like you're working to reconcile so I suspect it's the pretending that's the issue rather than the holiday?

I had a massive wobble before out family holiday last year that fell about 2 months after I found out. To be fair, it was actually what turned the corner for us but there wasn't any pretending. My dh owned his choices (cheating isn't a mistake) and put all his effort into supporting me. She doesn't get to decide when it's behind you and she doesn't get to use you as her support system in handling her side of things

If you go, I suggest setting some firm boundaries around all of that and use the time as family only time. Phones down, no work, just focus on each other. Take space when you need it and don't feel you have to put on a brave face

I'd really encourage you to share what's going on with a trusted few in real life. My friends really kept me standing through it all, and they followed my lead in how to deal with dh. Whatever opinions they formed of him they kept it to themselves and we still socialise as couples with them all, but it gave me a great support.

@MelBrookesMyHero Just an aside. If you tell the people you love and trust, you control the narrative. If there's embarrassing or salacious details leave it to her to explain herself. For anyone else who asks try;

"My wife has been having an affair for many years so we are separating. If you'd like further information her number is XXX"

She is in the wrong. You should get the holiday and she should stay home alone. You need to tell people what happened and get support. What she's done reflects badly on her but not on you.

I totally understand this. Have you thought about a professional therapist? Then you have an outlet for these feelings and your needs are met without any of the fallout?

It will be hardest the first time. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Secrets have power over you and eat away at you. If you go off on a rant or tirade about the mother of your kids (understandable btw) that’s not the same as just saying OH has been cheating on me for the last 5 years and I'm finding it really hard to play happy families for the DC.

The whole situation sounds horrendous OP, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

You have nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed about.

Your OH is being really manipulative. It isn’t you busting up the family. She has no right to blame you or make demands of you. How dare she!

And frankly her behaviour in this way holds no promise at all that your relationship could ever be rebuilt.

How old are your children?

You need some RL support. Female relatives or friends if you feel less confident about talking to men?

The holiday? I don’t blame you. What would be the purpose or benefit in continuing to pretend that all is ok?

Having just read some of the other posts, I agree that it should be the OP who goes on the holiday, and his cheating partner can use the time he and the children are away to find somewhere else to live.

It’s MUMSnet, OP mostly said ‘OH’ which is not specific. It’s fine, not awful.

OP, why ca’t you go with the kids. Would be nice to have a last holiday with them before it all blows up. And she is destroying the family, not you. If you really want to stay home, tell her you are, no discussion.