This was not a double booking!!

Why can you go to the show but not the first hen do? Maybe she just thinks you’re copping out.

“It wasn’t a double booking though, was it? I booked it long before I knew the date of the wedding!”

Not much else to say.

This is very insightful, and I bet you’re right.

It might also feel a bit to her like you’re making excuses not to see them, even though you’re not. I would offer to arrange something nice for the 3 of you to do together before the wedding, to let them know you’re very happy to have been thought of and you want to wish her well.

As a closer family member, your friend probably had some sort of 'save the date' much earlier than your invite. So she's not understanding that you had no idea the wedding would be on the same date (or possibly even the same month) when you bought your tickets.

Your friend is being like child it’s an evening party you had plans already tough you don’t miss out on your event just because she’s being off with you. You apologised to the person who invited you the friend isn’t important here. Don’t explain yourself. If she can’t get over something so small she’s not that great of a friend.

Agree with the majority here. You're not even invited to the wedding, just the evening do, so you have every right @autienotnaughty to say no because you just don't feel like it. You don't even need a reason - though you do have a good one.

She is being a diva (your friend) and it's a cousin of hers, so not even someone super close to you. I would have turned down a hen do too. Can't think of anything worse than a 21st century hen do. I bet it was a 4 day weekend abroad wasn't it?! 😬

As a pp said, she may think you're lying to get out of going (saying you have a prebooked thing to go to,) as you turned down the hen too. But you're NOT lying, and if she thinks you are, sadly, she's not the friend you thought she was. I would be giving her a wide berth for a while. 40 year friendship or not. Just because someone has been a friend for 40 years, that doesn't make them better friends that those you've only been friends with for 5 or 10 years.

Advice? Not much sorry... Just say 'sorry you don't believe me - I thought we were better friends than that. Enjoy the wedding.' Then leave the ball in her court. Don't chase after her, and DON'T change your plans.

It’s not the friend’s wedding. It’s her cousins’. OP is close to the friend, not the cousin, and declined the hen do because of health issues. The wedding invitation is for the evening, not the wedding itself. Perfectly acceptable to decline if you have a long standing booking which clashes. Why would she need to offer dinner - especially since the cousin has no problem with it, and didn’t attend OP’s own wedding herself because she was on holiday ?

Leave it. If she continues to be off with you then ask her why.

Was the cousin flower girl at your wedding or your friend? I was assuming the cousin but then you said your husband hadn't met her.

Then how is it throwing away a friendship ? The friend is the one being unreasonable if the cousin is OK with OP not attending. OP has done nothing wrong and if friend wants to try to guilt trip her into attending then she’s not much of a friend is she ?

Doesn’t she understand that shows etc. may well be booked a long time in advance?

Dh and I once turned up at the Festival Hall for a concert booked several months previously.

We couldn’t find the right concert hall, and no wonder - we’d got the right date but were a year too early! 😂

Why does she need to send screenshots. I often book holidays and events months in advance!

Apologise in writing and send a wedding gift toot sweet.
Bad luck that the two events clashed.

Reiterate it again in a text. Say how it's disappointing but unavoidable. She shouldn't be guilt tripping you about it. You're not the bloody bride! You weren't even invited to the wedding proper. Don't fall out over it but equally don't allow her to talk bad of you.

Yanbu and she is not a friend if she disbelives you.

"I am so sorry to be missing your big day but many months ago I booked an event as a birthday treat for DH, something he really has wanted to do and looked forward to, and which we cannot re-arrange. He has missed so much due to my health issues. Of course I feel very conflicted but I know you will have a fantastic time , and we send our love"

Your friend is being quite ridiculous, really - it is her cousin and you re not directly connected to the cousin.

No way would I be providing 'proof' - that's ridiculous.

Your friend is probably a bit hurt but not behaving well.

Whether you send screenshots or just an explanation, you could temper it with something like:

"I am actually so disappointed at the clash - but I've let DH down a lot recently, so this has to take priority. Can we please arrange a special day, just the three of us? Afternoon Tea somewhere or something as I'd really like to celebrated xxx's special day."

Whether she thinks it is a double booking or not is irrelevant.

You have something on, something where you (as a couple) won't be letting anyone else down if you don't attend. So essentially you have to make a decision on what is more important to you between the two events.

One off event vs wedding evening do (only evening guest but also one off)
Loss of cost of ticket vs celebrating a wedding
etc

You will see the importance of each decision very differently from your friend as she is closer to the wedding so that is her priority. Your priorities may be different, and she might take time to not see that as perhaps a person slight.

I'd probably pick the show too, as evening do weddings when you are not as close to many people there are dull. Hope your friend will come to realise that when she gets over her disappointment you can't go, and it doesn't (it shouldn't) impact your friendship with her and her family.

Yanbu. If friend normally reasonable then I would take it to mean she is disappointed you are not attending and being a bit huffy. You have done nothing wrong, explain timing of booking so she is aware if you find it helpful but I expect friend knows and she will already be over it, or slightly embarrassed at her message.

I think if you declined the hen do and the wedding invite and didn't suggest anything else then she is probably wondering if more is going on. She probably thinks you don't see yourselves as close as she does and is upset.

I think when it became clear you were going to decline both events you should have reached out with an offer of dinner or something to celebrate separately, rather than just turning down the invite.

I have only been invited to the evening do for one wedding, I didn't go.

Don't feed the flames, just give her a bit of space to move on from it. No you shouldn't have cancelled your show.

I wonder if your friend is having an emotional reaction to something inside her own head, rather than to your actions as such. Could it be that she was hoping you'd be there to be company for her?