To ask for help over my children's behaviour

I don’t think the OP mentioned that they’re Christians.

They sound bored and without boundaries.
They need to be outside every day, it doesn’t have to cost anything, long walks, the park, the woods are all free. At home you can do stuff to burn off energy like the floor is lava, skipping ropes, football, frisbee etc. i know it’s tiring but its really important for development to move their bodies.

For some kids it really is a need. I remember just after last Christmas being really jealous of a friend telling me how they spent Boxing day in PJs with kids watching Christmas films because that simply isn't an option for us. They have to be really ill with the right sort of illness to cope with a day stuck in the house.

Wow I am sorry to learn your at wits end and I can assure you although I am now a grandmother of 5. We all have had our moments.
Is their a Christian holiday camp. Look up Christian west Runton holidays. This place is amazing. Shows them team working, teaches respect and they have a tent leader and have a blast. Its for 8 plus. The best is yet to come and they do a grant system where you can apply for a grant so they go free if you reach criteria and at crisis point. I really would recommend she goes here. I know its only a week but if she goes every year like one of mine it becomes part of her life. The other thing local here is a Christian youth club. Its costs £1 and they do pizza night and make them, films, and games etc.
Contact local churches and explain as you did to us and see if theyve something on offer. You dont need judgement , you need someone to come along side you to say it will get better and show you a different way.

Honestly I disagree, kids needs to go out, they need a change of scenery one way or another. We all do or else we would go crazy.

In my experience just getting out is the universal reset button for kids, it’s natures “switch it off and on again” button. If you can’t take your kids out then you need to find a way for that to happen.

sounds like they need exercise and stimulation outside of the house, long walks/bike rides? These things don't cost money, they sound bored senseless and are acting up accordingly.

Going 'out' isn't the answer. Not everyone can do that

However - do you have a garden?

They need activities, some structured play and engagement

Do they get that?

And how does your relative cope with 4 of those ages?

Are they able to do anything with them?

Otherwise, I'm sorry but your childcare isn't working or sufficient

Do they do anything with the children? Or leave them to run riot?

Mine are almost the same ages. They need to get out of the house. Mine will scrap if they're home all day.

Find free museums (they'll have accessibility info on the website for your family member).
Make a list of all the playgrounds in a certain radius of your house and get the kids to visit and rate each one out of 10. We're four parks down at the moment with various ratings.
Set the time bomb timer video on YouTube and get them tidying up. They all get a small reward if everything on the list is done by the time the bomb explodes.

Do not tolerate disrespect, rudeness and damage to your property. That comes with certain consequences and you stand firm on it.
Your 8 year old seems to think she can just tell you/the supervising adult that she's going out to play rather than asking? That's something I would address asap.

They don’t seem to be going on outings anyway though, that’s part of the problem. They’re misbehaving because they’re stuck at home all week, supervised by someone who can’t take them out anywhere due to a disability.

Take everything out of her wardrobe and put it somewhere else for a start.

What does 'grounding' look like in your house?

Bloody discipline them! Find something they do care about and take it away. Treats and outings are behaviour dependent. Don't behave, you stay home with a babysitter and everyone else goes without you.

My kids arses would glow if they behaved like that.

This isn't a child problem it's a supervision problem. They are cooped up all day in the house with a disabled carer. It's hardly surprising they are kicking off.

Two children need to be at summer camp or organised sports courses every week. And yes, you have to drive 40 minutes to get them there. The other two need focused activities such as library reading trail, baking, cinema, park, swimming, etc.

If you can't afford the activities of decent childcare, you need to plan in advance for next year. Week off with mum, week's family holiday, week off with dad, then paid for activities.

To be fair if either of mine had behaved like that, I'd have sold them on the Internet. (Weak joke!).

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for punishing kids when they misbehave but alongside this you've got to ask yourself if they were set up for failure. If the answer is yes then you need to figure out how to change things.

This is the issue. Having them cooped up with low supervision all day is a recipe for disaster even with the best behaviour in the world.

it’s too much temptation, they’re still children. Unfortunately this is not adequate childcare. Kids that age should be outside everyday preferably even in the rain.

they are bundles of energy and curiosity they need to opportunity to work those muscles.

yes they need a behaviour chart as well and learning to be ok with being bored is a skill. But being kept at home day in day out isn’t a
fair deal either

These kids don't need to be grounded, they need to be taken out and exercised. Grounding is only a thing for older children who can go out by themselves.

Not helpful but just like go say having 2 both slightly feral that I sympathise OP. I’m glad I stopped at 2 because it’s hard!

Ok but grounding them and then what.

have you gone over the rules for the house.
ground in is the final step. What are the preliminary steps.

what are the benefits for good behaviour. The best way with one instigator is to get the other 2 onside with benefits for good behaviour or letting you know about bad behaviour etc.

when 8 yo doesn’t have an audience or conspirators it will get boring and become the one whose behaviour is ruining a good time for others.

are they bored or having too much unsupervised time. They throw Lego’s, so no more Lego and it’s removed from their room. nor can they borrow sibling Lego’s.

start offer incentives for good behaviours. Extra time at the park etc, but make sure they are activities out the house. (For free)

The disabled family member looks after all 4 children whilst you’re at work? I know you said the holiday clubs are expensive, but I really think it would be best to just pay for the two older ones to go. Maybe near your work? The younger two can stay with a different family member who can take them out to places. How does the disabled family member cope with them all?

This sounds very tough 😔 4 children, 10 and under, plus two parents trying to juggle work and a relative who is disabled looking after the children.

To me, it sounds as if they are getting bored and the relative, through no fault of their own, can't take them out/do much with them.

Assuming you are in England/Wales, there are 5 weeks left of the summer holidays - that's a long time for them to be stuck in at home.

Can you manage to pay for some days at a holiday club? Even just for the older two?

Is there someone else who can support with looking after them? I'm thinking a college student who might be looking for summer work - post on your local Facebook etc sites. They are likely to have far more stamina than the relative and will be able to take some/all of the children out. Relative could still be at the house if you wish.

Your eldest - can he arrange play dates with a friend? My son is a bit older (11, just finished primary) and has been meeting his friends at the village park etc this week. I appreciate your son may be a bit young though, so maybe arranging at someone's house?

I absolutely get that it's really hard when you have to work and it's holidays, but I do think a lot of the behaviour is because they are bored.

If she is awake early does she have plenty of books she can read in her room, or quiet things like colouring/drawing books?

Your childcare isn't appropriate if your children are constantly bored. You need someone who can take them out/supervise them properly. Can you provide more structure. It doesn't have to be expensive - plan to go to local parks, libraries, swimming pools usually have cheap holiday sessions. What do they have to keep them busy at home, toy/game wise? Can you arrange play dates, but you need to expect to supervise a bit if she isn't well behaved.

You need much more consistent consequences for bad behaviour. She certainly doesn't sound mature enough to be trusted going out by herself.

What is the privilege she has that would hurt the most if she lost it? Screen time? Sweets Something else?
She is acting out because she doesnt have consequences that are bad enough to drive home the message.
My adhd child hates loosing his screen time for example, and he will do anything to avoid that. If its really extreme he will loose his pocket money. If you dont have basic structures set up around these perks, then you have no control.

Very difficult. Big hugs.

Making some kinds of bad behaviour impossible can help. Locks on doors if necessary, especially doors leading outside, with keys quickly availablet to adults but not to kids. A friend of mine who has an escaping 6-year-old keeps her keys in key safes by the door, so she has control. If they go out to play and violate that trust by leaving the garden without asking, they play indoors for the rest of the day, even if their siblings are allowed out. No friends over either.

Friends who chuck things out of windows or otherwise vandalise don't get invited again.

For what it's worth, I got my kids tidying by scooping up everything left on the floor into a bin liner and put it out of the way (in my case, locked it in the garage I was lucky enough to have). That meant I could clean and the room was free of clutter. Cue tantrums, but that was the rule. If it's still on the floor half an hour after I've asked you to tidy up, then it goes. When they were smaller, I helped, obviously, but an 8-year-old should be able to pick up after herself. (This works for untidy DHs as well if requests to put things away were constantly ignored. 'Where's my X-Box?' 'In a bin liner in the garage.' He was allowed to go and collect his stuff, though.)

I returned the stuff in small amounts at request as rewards for good behaviour, more for really positive improvements.

It's possible your 8-year-old has ADHD or ASD. It manifests differently in girls and it's not unheard of for them to mask so well in school that the staff don't notice, but it all comes out at home. I'd try and get her assessed, (but the way things are now, she'll probably have left home and be working by the time you get an appointment.)

Keep in mind: you are the adult, you are in charge, your partner and you have to have each other's backs in this and support each other. Good luck.

Exactly this.

OP, you need to find proper childcare for your children if you're out at work. Universal Credit will cover up to 85% of the costs if you're a low income family - and financially you are always better off working on this system.

If there are no holiday clubs, there will be plenty of childminders who do holiday cover for this exact scenario - and you need to plan ahead and get them booked in.

I agree with others that your children are bored. They are acting up because they have no stimulation or attention. 8 year olds should absolutely not be going to the shops on their own, or even playing outside unsupervised - they are far too young.

This behaviour is only going to get worse unless you sort out a proper plan for their care whilst you're working. Plenty of parents manage to work full time and use appropriate childcare to ensure they're adequately looked after.

I'm afraid unless you put their needs first this won't change.