To ask for help over my children's behaviour

They are bored, don't try to bribe them onto a screen but lean in to the energy they have. Natural consequences are your friend, she needs to be spending hours looking for the Lego, for a start. Any bits she doesn't find, she has to look through other sets to find similar bits - then next time she'll know what a PITA it is for her to throw pieces out the window.

They need to be out at the park/swimming/learning to roller skate/dog walk/scooting etc after breakfast - take the frenzy out of the day. Your current childcare isn't good enough, you need to find a better solution than this bare minimum, keeping an eye on them helplessly. Can you double up with someone so there's a capable adult leading them in activities? Maybe your relative can have the 3yo and you find something different for the 7&8yos.

They sound like they haven't had enough guidance, so default to chaos. Instead of handing chalk over, go out and show them some things to do with it -hopscotch, mazes, wings to lie against, things to draw.... Sometimes you need to plant the seed to get them going. Mine seemed to play endless egg hunts at this age, taking turns to hide and find them, for example, there will be things you can suggest.

Is there nothing locally, even for a couple of hours, like craft at the church hall? It would give you structure to work with. Ask on local groups for anything at all that is happening - if they are good at school and need stimulation you might find they can get really into a library challenge, flower pressing, painting stones or anything at all that is happening nearby.

Good luck - high energy kids engaged with the world can be amazing when they find their way.

You need to find other childcare if your family member is disabled and can't take them out. You can't keep four kids cooped up all summer.

Firstly think positive! The more you shout, the more they will feed of your negative energy and behave accordingly. Focus on the goid things and give them structure.
Get up have breakfast- let DC clear up the breakfast table ect.
Then it's child care- give them stuff to do ... puzzles, games TV...
When you get home from work have dinner and talk to them about their day - kids to tidy up. You can do some washing ect.
Then take them out to the park or a walk to the closest playground to wear them out. My DC used to love this. Sometimes we took a ball or we just walked through the undergrowth of the park. Other times they met friends on the playground....
Then home snacks and find a book to read to them or TV show to watch together - one episode at a time. (I highly recommend A series of unfortunate events!) Bedtime around 9pm.

Coming from someone who was at the local park at 8am with 2 DC & 2 dogs many times over during holidays- in the sunshine, freezing cold and rain

Firstly think positive! The more you shout, the more they will feed of your negative energy and behave accordingly. Focus on the goid things and give them structure.
Get up have breakfast- let DC clear up the breakfast table ect.
Then it's child care- give them stuff to do ... puzzles, games TV...
When you get home from work have dinner and talk to them about their day - kids to tidy up. You can do some washing ect.
Then take them out to the park or a walk to the closest playground to wear them out. My DC used to love this. Sometimes we took a ball or we just walked through the undergrowth of the park. Other times they met friends on the playground....
Then home snacks and find a book to read to them or TV show to watch together - one episode at a time. (I highly recommend A series of unfortunate events!) Bedtime around 9pm.

Coming from someone who was at the local park at 8am with 2 DC & 2 dogs many times over during holidays- in the sunshine, freezing cold and rain

I feel sorry for these children, they are left to their own devices, parents not around, Insufficient childcare, no structure to the day. Even the discipline sounds unstructured.
DS' school uses "ask, remind, consequence" as a discipline structure. Eg I will ask you to stop swinging in your chair, I will remind you to stop swinging on your chair, so it again and there is an immediate consequence which has been clearly communicated. The issue you have is there's little to take away from her. No we won't go to the park after lunch, or if you carry on with that we will go home.

I have to agree with the alternative childcare. Your dc need more stimulation than they are currently getting, including I suspect physical exercise.
Treating their time off like a holiday club and breaking up their activities into shorter focused segments might be sensible.

You have a family member with a disability which prevents them going out looking after 4 children 10 & under all day long? It’s no the wonder they are up to no good OP, I’m a grown adult and I’d go crazy stuck in the house all day. You need to find alternative childcare, now.

Can the family member do activities with them inside? As a priority, they need some structure.

I think it's a case of the devil makes work for idle hands to be honest. She sounds like she needs lots of things to keep her busy.

If she's been drawing and writing, can she put a scrap book together of pictures she has done, or write some stories? There's lots of ideas for these kinds of projects online if you can't think of any.

She could set up a treasure hunt for her siblings.

I mean Summer and gardens and nothing to do - you need a lot of imagination if you can't access kids clubs.

Then you need different childcare. Your children are too young to be left to their own devices all day. You're lucky it's only things they are breaking honestly.

Like minds!

You need to set up activities, if the person supervising doesn't have much initiative.

Morning - a trip to the playground or park, buy some new balls/spinners, some large chalks and bubbles if you can afford it.
Back home for snack.
Play with toys.
Lunch

Afternoon - play in the garden (if you have one). Some sort of low-mess activity - mess-free colouring, kinetic sand.

TV/quiet play time until dinner.

Really tough to put boundaries and discipline in place if you’re at work all day long. (Not blaming you for this.)

The issue I think is that a family member will supervise, but they won’t parent because they aren’t the parent.

Might be worth sitting down with your husband and writing up a list of house rules, with rewards and punishments. Maybe a star chart? Get them some chores. Praise them for good behaviour, it can be as simple as telling them how happy and proud you are of them for xyz, with eye contact and a smile, then maybe a big hug. Reward chart could be pocket money to go to the shop at the end of the week. Punishments could be not getting that pocket money. Or restricting screen time.

Once you’ve done that, try and chat to the family member who’s looking after them and get them on board with the reward chart. Don’t expect them to discipline the kids, just to tell you how their behaviour has been so you can act appropriately. Give them a notebook to write down good behaviour and bad behaviour so you have something to go on.

Try and get some structured activities in the day too, if the family member is on board. Colouring books, box cake mix, craft kits. Get her helping to make her own lunch or snacks. Even making the littler ones some snacks or getting them a drink. So when things look like they’re getting a bit hairy, redirect her attention to something focused and rewarding.

Discipline - Communication is key. A calm but firm chat about the bad behaviour - why you don’t steal/throw clothes out the window, why it’s wrong and why you are disappointed (in the behaviour, not them). Shouting never works, it just ends up escalating. You can’t discipline an unregulated child. You can’t discipline if you’re unregulated yourself.

Hope this helps. It does sound to me like you have a lot on your plate. Don’t expect miracles, and changing things will be hard work as you have to be consistent, but things will change!

Remember to praise the good, eye contact, smile, big hug. “I’m proud of you baby, you did really good today.”

What structure does the person in charge of them put in place for the day? It's not really fair to expect children that age to keep out of mischief if actually there's no structure to their day and they're just waiting for you to get back to work eventually.

Can you think of safe places that they can take all four children? The local (fenced) playground? Could the oldest one (10) be paid a few quid to help keep an eye on the younger ones?

The person looking after them clearly isn't supervising well enough. They need to step up or you need to find different childcare.
Your kids need some sort of structure to their day.
You can't ground kids of that age, keeping them inside will only make things worse. You (or whoever is looking after them) need to get them out the house and engage with them more. Take them to the park, bake. Doesn't have to be all day or even every day, but they clearly can't continue to be left to their own devices.

When mine were little ( both SEN) actions had consequences, if they helped tidy or behaved well we had a treat, screen time, a movie afternoon with popcorn and i praised them, if they misbehaved, they had to tidy the mess etc and I would explain that their choices had made me sad, after they had tidied I would say thank you for tidying the mess you made, and ask what have we learnt? I was a teacher and this was similar to what I did with my class. One of mine was an early riser, he had a bag of things he could do till the house was awake, and was praised if he played quietly, we had a sticker chart for right choices with a treat for 5 stars, if he didn't I would explain why it was unfair to others. I rarely shouted, this was the whole family approach and it worked, its worth a try, I suggest this as she seems to cope at school

Honestly I'd keep it really simple.

• Friends are not allowed in the house (for now)
• If other kids are getting desserts /sweets / whatever she doesnt up to value of money stolen.
• bedsheets are washed but not replaced. Pen marks make it ugly but not unusable.
• all pens etc are removed from general access
• Toddler principles apply. Remove access to things that they demonstrate they will misuse.

Find out what's painful for her and make it work for you. Remove internet and or tv, remove toys, sweet treats, whatever.
And stay super calm amd firm but immovable.

I'd consider behaviour board for everyone not just 8 yr old. We have one amd include ourselves.

Who do you have looking after the kids as you mentioned “he” and that he doesn’t know what to do either. I’m assuming it’s not your partner/their father by the wording, but if it is him he needs to step up and actively parent when he’s in charge!

if it’s your eldest child, as you mentioned they’re male, they are far too young to be left alone all day, let alone in charge of younger siblings.

if it’s a local teenager/babysitter you may need to look for someone more experienced and make sure they have the authority to punish (appropriately) and that your kids will respect this.

You sound like you don’t have any authority at all and that is the issue.

So what if she screams and rolls around on the floor? She is made to tidy.

Stuff gets taken away.

It sounds like they are poorly supervised and poorly disciplined.

Have you read any parenting books? Tried to implement some structure etc. They sound like bored, poorly-disciplined children with no boundaries.

I completely understand your frustration. I had three who used to fight like cat and dog. It’s normal behaviour for siblings to do this.

Stop having the friend round, that’s just causing trouble.

You have to have rules and consequences if the rules are broken. The consequences have to be something that causes the child upset. Clearly grounding isn’t working. You know your children best, you will know what they like and will miss. Make punishments age appropriate.

Consider alongside the consequences for broken rules, rewards for good behaviour. This is really important. Punishment and reward are very well researched in terms of changing behaviour.

Be consistent in what you want. Children need consistency and they thrive on rules and guidelines set by their parents.

I had early risers too so it was a long long day.