Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

My DS is now 19, just finished first year at Uni and we don’t allow him to game much beyond midnight now that he’s home. When he was Yr9 and in the holidays it was 11pm. My concerns would be setting a precedent from now until his GCSEs and that he’s getting to sleep too late. It may well only be the start of the holidays but kids are exhausted.

Whilst things can be relaxed a bit during the holidays, rules still need to be in place to some extent. Particularly around technology, as it can be addictive.
Computer needs to come out of the bedroom.
Youngster needs to be in bed by 10, without technology. Lights out by 11ish.
Up in the morning by 9ish.
Some technology during the day but max hour at a time.
Reasonably regular meal times.
Help with a chore round the house every day.

You are still the parent. They are still only 14.

I think it's too much screen time and it's too late to go to sleep. But I get it, it's easier to let him do as he pleases. I wouldn't - but you do you.

Im a light sleeper. I should mention that my DCs are all diagnosed ASD/ADHD, so benefit from and appreciate strict boundaries.

I was regularly getting drunk in parks from the age of 14 and was in an abusive relationship and a mum at 17. I never understand your own dangerous behaviour and lack of parental input as a reason to let your kids engage in unhealthy and dangerous behaviour. My experience means there is no way I'm ending parenting at the age of 11 like my parents did.

My 12 yo DS and all his friends are much more like 9 yos were in my era.

This is a slippery slope and a hard habit to get out of . I don't think any 14 year old should be on games past 11pm.

Agree with @Gonk123
I tend to choose my battles with my 2 teenage DC’s. One is at Uni and home for the summer so I ask for consideration/quiet after I’m in bed. What else he does is up to him. He’s reasonable and active and also works.
My younger one has screen time passwords on for overnight and needs to do something active daily. But sleeps in and is on the phone more than during school time to talk to friends.
It’s not worth arguing over things that are normal nowadays (which definitely weren’t when I was their age) so I don’t sweat the small stuff.

This sounds ideal, having been through it with (now adult kids).

There needs to be a balance. But it’s also important to teach them why there needs to be a balance, or they’ll just see you as being naggy and not understanding them and etc etc. (They might do that anyway, but at least you’ve done your part explaining, if they winge after, pop some noise cancelling headphones in and crack on 😆)

I will be very much an outlier on here, but in the summer holidays my kids were expected to academic work and 2 x music practice in the morning. And to go out once a day - walk, cycle, skateboard etc. Afternoons were free.

They usually did a week’s residential course somewhere - music, acting, horses, whatever.

It might be safer in the short term being at home but not in the long run - they miss out on developing as a rounded human being and risk developing low self-esteem and anxiety.

I go to bed before my 12 (almost 13) and 15 year old. Why do you need to stay up until they are in bed?

I let mine sleep and play games, especially the first few weeks. School is a lot more stressful now and pressure with assessments and exams.

Also I went out a lot more with friends at that age. But we were often plotting how to buy booze, sneak into abandoned buildings and lying in parks listening to music. It’s probably safer to be at home 😂

My rule was two hours screen time per day - and that includes ALL screens, including phones. It was very hard to enforce and the enforcement was NOT perfect but that was the rule.

When they got to sixth form I told them they were now in charge of managing their own screen time, which they enjoyed. Screen time increased, significantly in one case. (But what a relief it was to me to let go!) However, that child has recently said he feels nostalgic for those days when two hours was the limit. And they have all come through eventually with a pretty sensible approach to screens. I like to think they have a body memory of what it felt like to limit screens to two hours, and that’s something they will want to get back to.

😂😂😂. If my mum had tried to get me up at 10am when I was 14/15 she would have failed! I slept til midday at that age too, didn’t you?

Mine is the same age and spends a huge amount of time on his phone/xbox. He plays 2 sports to a high level so trains/plays football 3 times a week and the rest of the time especially in the summer he is playing golf with DH. He also goes to the gym and sees his mates.
I don’t limit screen time but I do make sure he is asleep or at least in bed by 11 because quite honestly he is vile without enough sleep.
Me, DS1 (who is 20) and DS2 are going on holiday next week so he will be fairly active then (in between tanning on a sunlounger!)

Clearly, as this is an online discussion site, this is my own opinion. There is medical literature that explains brain and physical growth of teenagers. Sleep is important for physical and mental health. I don’t think it’s healthy for teens to get up most of the night and then asleep in the day as it’s disordered. Of course a lie in at the weekend is fine but everyday until the afternoon isn’t right imho.

Phoenes and apps are DESIGNED to be addictive. He is a child and is unable to set his own boundaries. Sit him down and have a conversation with him to help build a better routine. This isn’t about mistrust, it’s about support. Having free access to the entire world web is not appropriate at his age. He can’t assess risk, moderation or impact in the same way his adults can.

I think sanctions is something we've inherited from our own parents lack of parenting skills. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to initiate communication, talk it through and educate your son to make more informed, role model led, decisions about his lifestyle choices and their greater impact, without being fearful of "consequences".

Just suggesting. Usually along the lines of seeing if anyone wants to get a lift to climbing, beat me at chess or table tennis or get their arse in the kitchen to cook tea or come out somewhere for a coffee or a pint.

I mean they are often out with friends or at work, or clubbing til 5am so it's only when they have been on the Xbox for several hours. They are all ND and get locked in.

I would never tell them to get off at their ages just a gentle nudge which they quite often respond to.

I mean I'm 51 and my mum gives me advice sometimes still and I sometimes listen (sometimes not!). Usually that I've been out too much or working too hard.

This. So long as he is still socializing, eating, showering and fulfilling responsibilities such as study and chores it's pretty normal.

I have a ds aged 13 and there’s no way I’d be letting him stay up till 2/3am on screens. Even when dd now aged 22 was younger we used to make her plug her devices in downstairs around 11:30pm which is when we go to bed. When she got to 16/17 we relaxed this on the condition that we needed to go to sleep at 11/11.30 so if we could hear her shouting or chatting that wasn’t acceptable. Sleep is vital to me! Ds comes off the Xbox at 10.30pm, has a shower and is in bed for 11pm. If he isn’t tired he’s allowed to read. He would push that back if he could but it’s a hard no from us. However, we don’t restrict screen time during the day. He is fairly good at self regulation though, he likes to come out with us for a walk etc.

My son is a year younger. His phone goes off at 8pm. Gaming generally stops about the same time. 9pm ish is latest I'd personally allow for gaming/screens (not including tv/netflix whichbis a bit later). Regularly staying up until 1-2am gaming or watching tv doesn't sound necessary (or healthy), so it would be a no from me.

My DD is year 9 and my adult DS still lives with us, but even he needs to not be moving about or making noise after 11 if he wants to live here. Believe it or not, I am otherwise very laid back. 😁

When DS1 was younger we used to have to block his devices on the router at night. They need to get their own places if they want to be gaming all night.

DS2 is 16. He does various things - sport, hanging out with mates, Xbox etc. In general I don’t worry too much about screen time, especially in the holidays. But he goes to bed at 11.30pm and his phone/ipad is put downstairs. I don’t think teens his age are responsible enough to have phones with them all night.

You're still directing the time of your adult children?

He doesn't sound particularly like he's causing problems , yet.

Also, I don't want to treat him like a child - even if I still think he is one, to a certain extent. This attitude, coupled with lack of sleep, will make it more likely he does.