Am I treating my 14.5 yr old unfairly?

I don't agree with this. If he is good at school and continues that way. Doesn't get into any trouble. Just go with his flow. School work at his again and until he leaves it so much pressure. They need shut of time.

Pick your battles.

He doesn’t need to and it’s the holidays.

he is doing chores.

he is leaving the house.

could be far worse.

Amazing that all these kids who spend their time baking, reading , cooking a meal for the family yet when a parent wants to leave a 17 year old for a weekend they suddenly can't be trusted to turn the cooker off, lock the door or phone 999 in an emergency

It is also perfectly healthy for children to communicate with their friends through their phones/computers.

I know there is this virtue signalling that if kids have to be reminded to check their phones and are always happy to join in day trips then it must mean that the kids and parents are superior to those kids who are on tech but I don't see it like that.
It is completely normal for teenagers to pull away from their family and want to spend all free time possible with their friends.

Absolutely understand this. My children need to decompress from their 'work (school and social interactions) day' by gaming and quiet (free from parental or sibling querying) time.

If he’s getting up in the mornings, doing chores, seeing friends frequently I think you’re on to a win!

No that is not happening in this house. DS 14.5 years and we don't let him on electronics so late at night. 10pm cut off in the holidays 9pm during school. He can read for longer if he wants to and we have agreed that as long as he spends the mornings during the week doing productive things (ie non screen time, so could be chorse or playing with friends or going out with the rest of us), then he can have screen time for as long as he wants in the afternoon or weekends. But he's a child who rarely sleeps in, if I'd let him play till 2-3am in the morning he'd still wake up at 7am and just be a tired and unreasonable the rest of the day.

I do think that it's a good idea to not let them stay up to late in the holidays or it can also be a bit of a scoke to the system trying to reorient your self back into school time.

I'm sorry it's come across that way. I meant to say that our kids, somehow, have come out the way they have...no idea how, really. As I said we're doom scrolling. They're not.

Just thought out loud as I replied.

Yes, the most important thing is...the last sentence. But not buried, as much as the most important thing you're left with.

You know your child, yourself and your family. Sometimes, we second guess ourselves (and compare ourselves to best practice and/or others)..
Again, the most important element not buried at the bottom. It's the way I write...

Peace ✌️ and love 💕

No he doesn't. He needs a good amount of sleep but it doesn't have to be before midnight.

Evolution has meant teens are wired to be up late, it isn't safe for the whole tribe to be asleep at the same time.

If he had done his chores, showed up for family days/trips not just physically but with a reasonably positive attitude Id let him do what he liked with his leisure time (as long as I was comfy it was illegal or inappropriate I.e. porn, or drinking or antisocial behavour) the same way I do what I like with mine.

But agree would be stricter during school time

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it’s all down to personalities. I think some children and teens find self regulation around technology easier than others. You say ‘we agree the boundaries together’ but what if they don’t and keep pushing ? End of day the final decision is down to the parent. It’s quite confusing for parents to tread this line between setting boundaries and involving teenagers in making them and the consequences if they then trash those boundaries. If I set boundaries my kids might say these are ‘threats’ or emotional blackmail. Especially if consequences are also involved. Alignment with the other parent also needs a discussion as in our case we have completely different parenting styles. So actually navigating that is a challenge in itself. But doing it consistently and keeping the door open to discuss calmly id important. Teenagers will push back and many will whine and argue and drag you into manipulative arguments where they make you out to be a monster especially if they have traits of demand avoidance for example. I think I empathise greatly with the OP and all I can say to her is as early as possible align with your partner/ spouse as to your limits that you will accept. Stay calm stay firm and try to build trust with your young man. Perhaps more interest shown by bringing other inspiring adults into his life to develop his own passions. Once he discovers that I think you will find the need to fixate / escape through gaming and scrolling will reduce. They eventually need to see the benefit to them that 9 hours sleep brings them. It doesn’t happen in a few weeks though.

My daughters 12, I go to bed early but sleep whenever I fall asleep. I’ve been letting her stay up until 12. I know she does cause she goes to the loo, then I hear her switch her tv off and sleep. She has her iPad but not her phone I go in remove it. I’ve been a bit relaxed about the holidays. I’m usually really military with bed times. I work from home so not a big issue me getting up for work. She does have a lie in but it hasn’t been every day. One morning she woke up at 5.15 for the loo and couldn’t fall back asleep so she just lay in bed tv on and chilled on her iPad. Others have been 7 and some mornings 11. If I’m working I really don’t mind the 11am rise lol xxx

What example do you set OP? For us we did watch educational Youtube videos as a family, Tom Scott, Map Men, Crash Course (world history) and CGP Grey where my children learned what the difference is between the UK and Great Britain for example. We forced this in the beginning when they were younger and they learned to love it. Not all education has to be fun, school is a place to learn, not be entertained. However, the channels I have named above are interesting and fun.

I think the major thing you should take issue with is his continual push back as you have said that happens. For every time he whines about it he loses some ot it. TIme to learn to keep his mouth shut and be grateful for what he does have. You can also use that as a negotiating tool too, want more? Then do x,y,z.

It is about balance and of course they are going to want to do the things that make them happy and they enjoy. Ds1 taught himself guitar and music theory plus drums. However to learn this he watched youtube.

If it make you feel better mine are basically feral compared to that post above. They have no set bedtime, but generally put themselves to bed in term time before 10pm. My 15 yr old often earlier as he realised the natural consequences of staying up late. I don’t monitor it in holidays, but the latest it’s been is 11.

They have tonnes of screen time, they don’t play sports and chores is an ongoing battle 😂. One is autistic though so team sports and being out of the house are her worst nightmare. She speaks to her friends and play games online with them. I make her go out for some vitamin D every so often 😂.

I think it is fine in the holidays.

I think a lot of this post is fair enough. BUT it’s a real cop out to say ‘it’s just the way the world is these days’

its great he does other activities - chores, sport, mates. However 1-2 am is too late. At 14.5 years old he is still a child. He is learning to separate from parents and self regulate. But you still need to set boundaries. I know this is different for all families however gaming/ screens after midnight is setting up a bad habit. There is a lot of evidence now around sleep patterns/ blue screen / brain development and as such as a parent I would say the boundary is 11 pm. Even that is too late really - id usually encourage a wind down at 10 pm so by 11 pm teenagers are looking to sleep. It doesn’t matter it’s the holidays.

I think the OP needs to think what her gut feel is here and set the boundaries accordingly. I assume she pays for the phone contract, broadband etc. I would sit down with my son and talk together about it and try to come to an agreement. But ultimately as a parent you do what is in their best interests. I personally disagree that teenagers should be on a phone/ screen in the early hours of the morning. It sends the wrong message. I hope the OP and partner also model the same behaviour.

Perhaps you could also encourage some alternative evenings where he brings his friends over, or does non screen activities as a family. A family night / friends night. It’s more effort I know. But if I could go back now I would have much clearer communicated boundaries on screentime knowing what I now know.

I gave my teenage son as much screen time as he liked in the holidays. If we did something active he’d happily come along but otherwise he’d enjoy talking and gaming with his mates. My view was as long as he wasn’t a dick, and he contributed to family life, and did his best at school, it was his holiday and he could spend it how he liked.

He was a high flyer and now as an adult has a job in tech. Ironically he spends his weekends being active and outdoorsy and no longer has a gaming console!

Every child is an individual, of course, and the many variables including parenting style, family rules, the pushback, individual needs....all come in.

Ours have had a strict bedtime, with a little leeway for weekends and holidays. There were family-made (kids involved in setting them) rules and time limits on electronics, especially when they were younger. There's always been open communication on changing them.

We now have 17 and 15 y.o. who have to be reminded to check messages, use phones to call/text sparingly, and mainly use them to watch YouTube videos (history, science, educational...I mean map men and the like! It's us parents who waste time Doom scrolling!) but play around 4-5 hours of pc games, and are happy to join us on day tasks/trips. I think it's to do with their personalities, as much as with us having open conversations and collective rule setting, so they understand why and accept it.

Ultimately, look at setting family rules, but understand that their childhood is very different from ours.

He’s not at school at the moment so how’s his sleep pattern helping him academically? He’s gaming not studying.

I don’t think there’s much wrong with what he’s doing tbh. It’s for summer it’s not for the rest of his life. Dd is the same age and she sees her friends a lot and usually spends evenings with us but is on her phone / iPad / Netflix a lot. Definitely sleeps very late.

ds is 18 and just finished y1 Uni. He sees his friends mostly in evenings and if he’s not working he’ll spend almost the entire time in his room. Dd is very very sociable though, I think she probably goes out more than most.

they’re only young once. If they were My happy and not seeing friends etc etc I’d think differently.

Our DC were the same at that age.
They are in their 30s with their own DC now.
They still enjoy gaming when they can.
Nothing awful has happened to them.
They are lovely Dads & partners.

He sounds like a good boy

Don’t ruin that by being unnecessarily mean and strict over nothing

Appreciate the fact he’s a decent kid

It’s normal teen holiday behaviour

ignore anyone who says it isn’t

just let him be

he could be behaving really badly at this age so be very thankful these are your only concerns