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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable asking my husband to not go away for 2 weeks after just having a baby?

184 replies

Watters01 · 24/07/2025 20:37

My DH is a practicing catholic and, around 18 months ago, was asked if he wanted to go on a pilgrimage to Lourdes. I didn’t want to be the bad guy for saying no so I thought what the hey, it’s only 2 weeks, I can handle 3 kids on my own. Fast forward a few months and we found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our 4th child. I casually mentioned about probably not going on the trip now, as we would have a newborn and it’s a lot to put on me, but he kind of brushed it to one side and said about maybe not doing it. This carried on going like this up until I gave birth with me getting more irate and cross.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, he eventually refused to cancel the trip so in about 2 weeks time I am going to be left on my own for 2 weeks with a newborn, 3yr old, 7yr old and 10yr old. All our family work full time so are unable to help me and to top it off it’s the summer holidays so there’s just no break!
AIBU for being really upset about the whole thing? I appreciate it’s a religious pilgrimage but I feel really resentful and quite. disrespected about the whole thing.

OP posts:
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FlubandSlub · 18/09/2025 20:14

Have a word with the parish priest. He may encourage your husband to consider his Catholic father/husband responsibilities or at the very least he could enrol some parishioners to lend a hand with child care. It's the Christian thing to do

Sunburstclocklover · 29/07/2025 13:05

rainydaysaway · 24/07/2025 20:39

YANBU that’s terrible behaviour and not very Christian of him

Indeed!

Meadowfinch · 28/07/2025 13:28

YANBU.

If he can take TWO WEEKS (!) going to Lourdes, then he can also afford to pay for some help for you during those two weeks - see home help and nanny agencies for prices and tell him it's non-negotiable.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2025 13:21

Praying4Peace · 24/07/2025 20:43

But if the pilgrimage means a lot to husband and it was preplanned, I think he should go.
Yes, very hard work for op but it is only 2 weeks

God can wait

Owl55 · 28/07/2025 13:20

He is being selfish but maybe compromise and only goes for one week not two?

LilacReader · 27/07/2025 12:08

Praying4Peace · 24/07/2025 20:43

But if the pilgrimage means a lot to husband and it was preplanned, I think he should go.
Yes, very hard work for op but it is only 2 weeks

The trip was preplanned but the baby that he helped create was not. Plans change because of circumstances - this one can easily be postponed. Hes a father and husband before anything else surely?

ThinWomansBrain · 27/07/2025 11:12

4 children, catholic, husband can't be arsed to take care of children, baby or wife post birth.
Probably best to stop having sex.

Suleika · 27/07/2025 11:06

A few thoughts. I agree with others that two weeks for this trip seems totally unnecessary - and that his determination to go doesn't sound Godly, more like an "acceptable" religious excuse to get away. What are you supposed to do if one child becomes seriously ill/breaks a limb and needs the hospital - drag all four to the hospital with you, maybe in the middle of the night? Have you asked why he needs 2 weeks? If he does go (for any length of time at all) then ask him to organise paid childcare/support for you during his absence; and a workable arrangement for any in-the-night emergency - that's the price for him going. Or, if you decide to woman-up and let him push off for two weeks, with no support for yourself, then book your own 2 weeks away for as soon as he gets back. If you do nothing, and he trots off, the resentment you feel will be utterly corrosive to your relationship.

Igmum · 27/07/2025 08:40

Your DH is a knob, no of course he shouldn't be going, yes of course he should have pulled out months ago. Lourdes will still be there next year and in 10 years' time, he can go another time. He clearly won't but YADNBU.

mauvaiseherbe · 26/07/2025 05:04

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

yes I understand entirely now you have kindly explained - OP should have addressed the situation months ago, plus her timeline describes a baby of 6 months old, not newborn. I also think your hunch is correct

anytipswelcome · 25/07/2025 21:46

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

OP has double the amount of kids you had, one is a newborn and it’s not an avoidable work trip necessary for their family to have enough money to pay their bills etc.

She’s been asking him for months on end not to go.

It’s a trip that a loving father and husband simply wouldn’t consider in these circumstances. And everyone he meets, who he cheerfully tells he has left his wife and four kids including a newborn, at home will think he is an utter wanker.

And they’ll be right!

Spinmerightroundbaby · 25/07/2025 20:25

SwingTheMonkey · 24/07/2025 20:42

This really should have been sorted out before now. But if it were me, I’d be making it clear that if he put a trip above being a parent and husband when he’s needed the most, he shouldn’t bother coming back.

This. I agree you should have pinned him down on this point much earlier.

maryberryslayers · 25/07/2025 20:01

Personally I would take my newborn out and leave the other kids with him so that he either has to take them with him or miss his flight. Fucking selfish arsehole.

theduchessoftintagel · 25/07/2025 19:41

HamSandwichKiller · 24/07/2025 20:54

Who the heck goes to Lourdes for 2 bloody weeks? Even the catholic school trip my husband went on was over and done with in 4 days.

I went on a couple of those school trips at 17 and 18. It was debauchery 😆 Catholic kids let loose with booze and the opposite sex!

BarbaraVineFan · 25/07/2025 19:41

I think that will literally be impossible tbh. How are you going to care for your other children if you have a newborn? He is ridiculous.

NewYearNewName25 · 25/07/2025 19:37

Hate to say it… but that’s not a reasonable stance to take (your DH’s).

Cherchez la femme…

Lollipop81 · 25/07/2025 19:27

I pressed you are being unreasonable by mistake. No of course you aren’t! He is being very unfair, why can’t he take some of the kids with him.

mamagogo1 · 25/07/2025 19:23

@mauvaiseherbe

when I went I had 2 weeks of specialist training to look after a lady with a number of medical issues including how to suction, give emergency epilepsy treatment, change a catheter and give insulin - if I had changed my mind after the training (which was paid for by the charity) she wouldn’t have been able to go. Whether he should have pulled out months ago is a different story but if it’s close to departure you can’t just ruin someone else’s experience if you have committed to volunteer. My guess is this has a lot more to this story, just a hunch. BTW my now exh left me with a toddler and newborn to go to a work conference, was common back then as no paternity leave.

Soonenough · 25/07/2025 19:08

Is he going as a volunteer or a helper ? Otherwise why go for two weeks? I know if I was a member of his group I would not be impressed with him and totally supportive of him staying behind . Only scenario I could see it would be OK is if you had a lot of help and support .

Lovemeapickledgherkin · 25/07/2025 19:05

TWO FECKING WEEKS??????

Laura95167 · 25/07/2025 19:03

Catholic here!

Id feel closer to God, home supporting my family and bonding with my baby than pilgrimaging to Lourdes. You probably wouldnt need more than 2 days there anyway.

God doesnt need his pilgrimage more than his family needs a husband and father at this moment in time. He could go next year. Or he could take the eldest two to help educate them in their faith

Blueskies3 · 25/07/2025 11:39

This is ridiculous. Is your husband seriously going on a pilgrimage when you will have four young children? That is pathetic. It sounds like he needs to have a talk with his Priest. It seems like he wants the fun parts of Christianity....without the duty.

EvelynBeatrice · 25/07/2025 11:37

Tell him to pray for his marriage while there as you’ll be divorcing him.

Socksey · 25/07/2025 11:22

He's another of the 'performance Christians'... so does all the public stuff, church etc but none of the actual following of Christ teachings... 🙄

Zempy · 25/07/2025 11:19

Why does he have to be away for two weeks?