Unisex toilets in new office - dread going into work

ETA: In response to Lily's last.

OK, that's rather clearer. The "write to your MP" and "change the culture" references did seem to suggest you were thinking on a far larger scale, and, in that context, the resistance to addressing the toilets whatsoever was hard to understand.

But even if you are thinking on a more practical level than I'd understood, and simply arguing that addressing the men as opposed to the loos is easier for the OP, I'd still question this.

1. Report the behaviour - potential for conflict with men who are already behaving intimidatingly.

2. Answer back - ditto.

3. Make it known who the culprits are - ditto.

4. Get others to report - better: safety in numbers.

5. Complain - I think she's planning to.

6. Call in a union - nuclear option: significant implications for OP's comfort and long-term security at her place of work.

7. Get other, decent men inside - they're already using the same loos, so, presumably, you can only mean as a escort each trip... surely you don't mean this?

8. Write to an MP - again, the context in which you suggest this reveals its impracticality, as if you meant about the loos, that could help, but you clearly mean about the behaviour of these men, which, like the above, is honestly a bit hard to take seriously as advice.

Lastly, none of the above guarantees a long-term solution that addresses the OP's actual need. There will be resistance, outliers who still behave badly, bad feeling across the building. And all this compounds what's already upsetting her - conflict and a sense of vulnerability.

Focussing on the toilets themselves avoids all of the above. Removes them, really.

Yes, it involves literal changes to the building - huge for the employer, and there may well be some resentment from them. But that resentment wouldn't be as personal as if she were to critique individuals' behaviour, and it won't be coming from the men she already finds upsetting: she'll be buffered from it to some degree. Not least as, the law's on her side.

Did you miss that the culture of the OPs employer is to place female staff into positions where they can be harrassed?

That was a choice.

That the culture of the OPs employer is to deny they have either a legal or moral duty to do anything about the harrassment.

That is a choice

So the problem begins with in the employers senior management team.

I don't know why you seem to be deliberately misunderstanding what I'm saying but I'm tired of explaining. Reporting the behaviour until it is addressed by HR (or whoever) and appropriate steps are taken to ensure that those guilty men understand and stop doing it (at work and maybe even elsewhere) would be far better, and maybe quicker, than fiddling around with the toilets.

I: Personally, I tend to find that adults are much messier than kids. They always leave more muddy footprints.

...is another popular one, believe it or not.

So gross. I used the mixed sex toilets in quite a posh restaurant and they were disgusting. Pee everywhere and it was early evening.

I have never ever encountered such a mess in women only toilets even in much less ‘nice’ establishments.

H: It must be annoying for you, OP. But you can easily get out the vacuum cleaner to deal with the muddy footprints.

See? I can do it pre-emptively, too! 😂 Seen 'em all. None make sense thus far.

I would not say that this is the least of your worries. It's disgusting, unhygienic and could cause illnesses. I am not at all surprised, though. The more you post, the worse your situation sounds. It is totally unacceptable.

G: Change the behaviour of immature teens on a national scale, OP! Or, of course, you could just keep making a fuss about your little broken lock and ignore it, so the kids just carry on being ignorant.

I think people are struggling to understand your train of reasoning, Lily.

How does solving the immediate problem (mixed-sex loos) to offer OP rapid relief and protection equate directly to "ignoring" the larger-scale problem (male abuse)?

It's not unlike saying, "For goodness sake, OP, cancel the bake sale raising money for refugees, and focus on stopping the war!"

1. Addressing the toilet issue / raising money for refugees does mitigate the larger problem in a way that is meaningful to the OP.

2. It doesn't stop the OP doing any of your list of other suggestions to address the larger problem of male abuse / war.

3. Given that those suggestions aren't going to have an immediate effect (do I really need to point out that the OP's letter to her MP isn't, I'm afraid to say, going to be change millennia of human behaviour before she next needs the loo / hundreds more refugees arrive needing blankets), why do you appear to be vociferously against her doing it, seeing it as some kind of implicit capitulation?

You must see why people are interpret your comments this way. They simply don't make sense read differently, because it makes no sense to point out such bizarrely self-evident things as these:

1. They could still make inappropriate comments though. They don't change just because they're in a different place.

2. Stationery cupboards, underground car parks, empty corridors... There are plenty of deserted places around offices that seem far more dangerous to me than a probably frequently visited works toilet.

3. Changing the toilets won't change their behaviour.

Hope there is a sign saying, please put toilet seat back down after you have used. Many men don’t 🤮

I haven't said the toilets are not a problem - they obviously are for the OP and many others here. I am saying that the toilets are not the main problem. It's the men's behaviour that's the problem. Yes, that's more difficult to alter. It's a much bigger problem and changing it is a long term goal. But that doesn't mean we should ignore it.

Sure. Post after post from you saying that the toilets are not a problem, nothing to see here.

I'm not.

Your company needs to require the building owner to make changes to the lavatory arrangements to comply with the law.

Yes, clearly some people have never experienced perimenopausal flooding. It's very common, so much so that it's mentioned in my employer's menopause awareness training.

Why are you so persistently opposed to this employer following the HSE workplace regulations, ie the law?

Yes, it’s always advised in situations where women are alone with a man making them uncomfortable in an enclosed area, is to confront him.
It’s a great move.

I’ve had to wash blood off of my trousers in the sink at work. Twice actually.

there was new legislation passed in October 2024 that gives your employer a duty to protect its employees from bullying and harassment, so that makes it their problem.
New protections from sexual harassment come into force - GOV.UK

There’s another option: make the toilets single sex.

It’s laudable you want all men to change behaviour. But it’s not all men. Reporting the bad behaviour from the bad men means women have already suffered. Good men shouldn’t have to be needed to police the bad men. There’s a lot of faff, effort and time unionising and reporting whilst other women suffer.

As an ex-teacher, I would have not believed 1 rape per day happens in school premises, but thanks to painstaking journalism by the BBC that was what was found in our schools.

Ofsted found that sexual abuse happens so much in schools, that schools should always assume it’s happening.

The government and police keep emphasising VAWG.
https://news.npcc.police.uk/releases/call-to-action-as-violence-against-women-and-girls-epidemic-deepens-1

Yet the figures are still massively underreported.

Any private space in an area with strangers is open for abuse.

Planes, train carriages, supermarkets, pubs, clubs, offices, all have toilets that have people having sex in toilets. Making sex in a public toilets illegal hasn’t stopped people. There are webpages devoted to toilet sex and tiny cameras in toilets has reached epidemic levels.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2025/may/27/secret-spy-cameras-voyeurism-uk

This is why we need single sex toilets with door gaps. I know that people don’t like the gaps in case people put phones under the door but men are less likely to risk entering women’s toilets. Setting up a hidden camera is risk free and easily done in a unisex private cubicle.

Single sex toilets are about prevention. Otherwise known as safeguarding and common sense.

I've read your comment several times but am not sure what your point is. 'To type this is only to reveal unthinkingly dogmatic dedication to the noble cause of the mixed-sex loo.' I've said nothing of the sort. I'm not keen on a mixed-sex loo but that isn't the problem here. What we all want is for men to change their behaviour. That's the goal. That's what we should be focusing on. Report the behaviour. Answer back. Get others to report. Complain. Call in a union. Write to an MP. Make it known who the culprits are. Get other, decent men inside. Change the culture. It can be done over time. Or make a fuss about the toilets and ignore the behaviour so they can carry on being ignorant. .

Last comment, honest, guv: fair play to Lavender. Initially, I just read the opening and thought it was more of the same. But the observation that it can work, and the acknowledgement that different people may feel differently about it, are totally fair. The subsequent recognition that it isn't working in this particular case, & this OP is upset by it, with practical tips and empathy, is what makes the difference.

Sorry if this has already been said, but firstly find your nearest women’s toilets outside of your office and use those for now. Keep complaining to HR and get them to inform the other company of the unpleasant behaviour from their staff - every single time it comes up. Keep a record - obviously. I would be very uncomfortable with this situation so I sympathise greatly.

Don't worry, will stop now. Pre-bed procrastination! 😂

F: In my culture, kids run in and out of communal buildings all the time and we've never had any issues.