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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Fed up of my cousins comments about benefits and UC

739 replies

glassor2 · 24/07/2025 16:17

I’m a single mum of two kids, ages 13 and 5. My older son has a relationship with his dad, but my younger son’s dad moved away a couple of years ago and doesn’t see him often-usually once or twice a year. He doesn’t provide any financial support, and since he moves around for work (he used to live in Canada and now lives in Australia), it has been challenging to get child maintenance to chase him.

I work 3-4 days a week (sometimes more if there’s overtime available) and receive a top up from UC. My mum occasionally helps with child care, but she also has a full time job. It can be difficult handling everything on my own, but I manage.

Anyway, I have a family member I'm quite close to, and she often makes comments, not aimed at me, but towards people who claim UC. For example, she mentioned that it's unfair for her to pay almost £300 a month in tax while others can work part time and avoid paying anything (I don’t earn enough to pay tax) and that she has to pay more to subsidise the people that don't. She even told the entire family that she pays almost £400 a month, including national insurance, which made things awkward and nobody knew what to say.

From what I know, she doesn't earn a huge wage, so I can see why it would be frustrating for her to have to pay that much. It's a lot of money. However, it's not our fault, and if she's upset, her anger should be directed at the government, not at those who are rightfully claiming.

Everyone’s situation is different, and some people need help. I never chose to be a single parent, and I can't control the fact that my ex chose to leave and decided not to support his child financially. I'm doing my best, just like many others on UC are.

I don't think she's intentionally trying to upset me, but she is.

AIBU? How do I tackle this?

OP posts:
OneCalmFish · 24/07/2025 22:59

@glassor2 Oh I have an idea why don’t you make another account on here and next time you spend time with the cousin skip the post and show her some comments?

intrepidpanda · 24/07/2025 22:59

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 21:43

And a lot of the "we pay taxes" folks are on less than the £41k or so that makes someone a net contributor.

Funny that a lot of the people who are paying higher rate taxes that have commented on this thread, are ok with their money going on UC.

Remember its not just income people pay tax on. So while some may earn 41k, they may pay less other tax than someone on less.

OneCalmFish · 24/07/2025 22:57

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:50

Then she'd probably be entitled to PIP if her medical need is that bad.
Is PIP acceptable? Or bad?
Or is just UC bad?

Well pip will soon be UC too like all the other legacy benefits 🤷🏼‍♀️

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:53

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:52

Duh I know that 🙄

Ha ha, I was getting a little worried then.😀

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:52

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:51

She’s not a real person.

Duh I know that 🙄

SameOldMe · 24/07/2025 22:51

real world how UC works
40k wage - 2600 a month
UC top up ( includes childcare capped at 1000) £1500
childcare cost £2000 south east
rent £1500 social 'affordable housing'
Leaves 600 for food, car , bills ect

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:51

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:50

Then she'd probably be entitled to PIP if her medical need is that bad.
Is PIP acceptable? Or bad?
Or is just UC bad?

She’s not a real person.

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:50

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:48

It’s not real people, it’s an example of how mad the system is. If it makes you feel better, the wife is a narcoleptic with a cough medicine addiction so needs childcare.

Then she'd probably be entitled to PIP if her medical need is that bad.
Is PIP acceptable? Or bad?
Or is just UC bad?

intrepidpanda · 24/07/2025 22:50

FreewomaninParis · 24/07/2025 19:53

I’m a single parent and don’t claim any benefits. I have a full time, well paying job. I hate this notion that single parents are always poor. Why can’t you work full time?

Seriously. How did you get a well paid job with those logic skills? Only fans?
I'm not on benefits nor single nor a parent but I can certainly see why it would get difficult.
I get 2k a month take home (degree, professional, experienced)
Rent is 1k, bills food and petrol are 1k.
2k gone before child related expenses. Where is the nursery fees coming from?

isyouready · 24/07/2025 22:49

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:47

How do you know she does "nothing".
You have no idea about her life.
Very rude thing to say.

I agree with you needmorelego

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 22:48

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:47

How do you know she does "nothing".
You have no idea about her life.
Very rude thing to say.

Ha, it is ok. That poster is drawn to benefit threads like a fly to rotten meat.

KitTea3 · 24/07/2025 22:48

Id dearly love to be able to work full time, unfortunately it's not an option due to disability. Not that I haven't tried to, I have but it resulted in me a) attempting suicide and b)then being unable to work at all for the next 3 1/2 years. Whilst I may not pay a lot of tax I've always felt working part time was better than not working at all.

Also it not just as simple as get more hours etc. I did ask for more hours at the start of the year, unfortunately due to how business is going everyone is currently on contract hours, there are no extra hours available. Which I can see being an issue for those on UC.

I don't claim UC but I imagine I'd be one of the people people complain about if i did.

And yes obviously I'd love a better high paying job, Im not uneducated (I have a BA degree! ) unfortunately being disabled wasn't in my life plans for the future. And also higher paid jobs tend to understandably come with more responsibility and as a consequence more stress and unfortunately that is something which massively worsens my condition.

OneCalmFish · 24/07/2025 22:48

Boohoo76 · 24/07/2025 22:41

I know a number of single mums on £100k+. They’re paying £2k+ for childcare for ONE child.

I’m on minimum wage full time I pay 800 a month part time childcare

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:48

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:45

What's the reason?
Nursery before the age of 3 is childcare.
You only need childcare if you aren't at home with your child.
If you aren't at work..... you're at home.
Nursery before 3 is a choice if it's not needed for childcare.

It’s not real people, it’s an example of how mad the system is. If it makes you feel better, the wife is a narcoleptic with a cough medicine addiction so needs childcare.

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 22:47

Viviennemary · 24/07/2025 22:45

£800 is all you get??? That's quite a lot of money for doing nothing.

Could you live on £800pm?

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:47

Viviennemary · 24/07/2025 22:45

£800 is all you get??? That's quite a lot of money for doing nothing.

How do you know she does "nothing".
You have no idea about her life.
Very rude thing to say.

LocalHobo · 24/07/2025 22:46

A man can get out of paying for his own child by deciding not to. Yet complete strangers (ie the tax payers) need to suck it up and pay more.

Fathers should not expect others to substitise their choices to have kids and not pay for them, I agree. The govt should make sure they pay

This ^ I appreciate it isn't always the father but it usually is... These feckless parents are making our society turn on each other.

AngryBookworm · 24/07/2025 22:45

Honestly I wouldn't bother having the argument with her personally, because I find people who make that kind of comment are rarely capable of thinking critically about what it means to live in a society. Same with a lot of people on this thread.

In purely transactional terms the care work you do for your kids is a net benefit to society (in terms of raising future contributors) - it's just made invisible because we don't value care work as we should. So you're doing two jobs really. That could be something you point out. Another is that if she'd prefer to work part time, she can choose that - she may find it's not as lucrative as she'd imagined. The BMW showrooms and posh restaurants of this world are not filled with single parents spending their Universal Credit money.

Viviennemary · 24/07/2025 22:45

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 22:41

OK, I am going to give myself as an example.

I am on UC. I get a bit over £800pm. I don't get money for rent. That £800 is all I get.

I am on half of what someone on NMW takes home.... I still have to pay some council tax, and I have to pay all my bills.

How do I have more disposable income than someone on £101k? Because that makes NO sense.

£800 is all you get??? That's quite a lot of money for doing nothing.

Confabulations · 24/07/2025 22:45

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 22:33

But people who are at the literal bottom.. the NMW people... they get topped up in UC so they can afford to LIVE.

How is that wrong? Society needs the people doing those jobs.

And it is not just people on NMW getting topped up... nurses get topped up too. Are you going to tell them to just go and get a better job?

Those jobs need to pay a living wage, not be topped up by the public purse. Yes, public sector employees are paid out of taxes, so it is semantics there, but anyone employed in the private sector should be paid a high enough hourly rate to not need benefits. But employers know they don't need to do this while the public purse is supporting them to keep their wages low.

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:45

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:42

Don’t know, pick a reason.

What's the reason?
Nursery before the age of 3 is childcare.
You only need childcare if you aren't at home with your child.
If you aren't at work..... you're at home.
Nursery before 3 is a choice if it's not needed for childcare.

ThatBoldBear · 24/07/2025 22:44

XenoBitch · 24/07/2025 22:41

OK, I am going to give myself as an example.

I am on UC. I get a bit over £800pm. I don't get money for rent. That £800 is all I get.

I am on half of what someone on NMW takes home.... I still have to pay some council tax, and I have to pay all my bills.

How do I have more disposable income than someone on £101k? Because that makes NO sense.

I did break it down already, my thumb is getting a bit tired now.

Needmorelego · 24/07/2025 22:43

Boohoo76 · 24/07/2025 22:41

I know a number of single mums on £100k+. They’re paying £2k+ for childcare for ONE child.

That's different. I refering to BoldBears example of a two parent household with one parent working.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 24/07/2025 22:43

Icanttakethisanymore · 24/07/2025 22:38

the national insurance she pays is not a contribution towards her pension. It’s tax, it just has a different name. It’s not hypothecated and it’s not ‘hers’ it’s used for general government spending just like all the other tax we pay.

You are correct. But her level of contributions affect her eligibility for benefits like State Pension.. so she gets something back from it eventually.

OneCalmFish · 24/07/2025 22:42

Boohoo76 · 24/07/2025 22:30

Someone on £125k earns five times as much as someone on minimum wage but pays over 18 times as much tax and NI. MPs earn £93k so would not be additional tax rate payers (unless they have other income). CEO’s (particulary of large companies) earn a lot more than £125k. Your anger is directed at the wrong people. If you increase the tax burden even further on those earning £100k + you will drive out even more highly skilled professionals from this country.

Well for a start 93 is just their basic salary doesn’t cover expenses and as you say most earn elsewhere. Minimum wage is what 25000ish they pay 20% 5000 leaving 20000. Someone earning 125k may well pay 40% at 50000 but it does leave 75000 to spend in comparison it’s ten times more paid nearly 4 times more left isn’t it?