Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

Must admit, this is how I interpreted it also that OP is actually empathising with hr friend. Some people are just overly sensitive I think. As an adult, I don’t understand not being able to have such an innocuous conversation without needing an apology afterwards. Surely if it hit a nerve, the friend would know that it wasn’t maliciously said (as I assume OP wasn’t saying this gleefully or anything).

You were stating a fact. I rent and I'm not offended

As a long term renter I don’t think it’s insensitive, it’s simply a fact.

No, that is a true and innocuous statement. Every month, instead of paying an amount towards owning our house, we pay it towards a landlord - money lost. If she is upset, it is because of her own insecurities regarding renting.

I think it was insensitive of you and you should apologise.

It may be factually true what you said but so are lots of thinks we wouldn’t want friends to point out. For example, that we’ve put on weight or have become obsessed by our grandchildren or pets.

You have to try not to say things that could upset friends.

So that’s your reaction to someone pointing out the reality of not having a pension. So the same as your friend had to your comment about renting?

why is your reaction okay but hers isn’t?

not having a private pension means that you are very likely to find it harder to live and rely on the state. Much as renting will.

I think that was a relatively factual statement.
That said, home ownership isn't necessarily cheap even if you've paid your mortgage off, due to ongoing maintenance costs. At least as a renter, these are covered by the landlord.

I think it’s probably just something she is already aware of and feels sesnsitive abo it. I rent, it’s pretty shit and scary to think that I will still be renting in my 70’s and beyond so I can understand why it might make her upset/stressed out.

The 'it's money down the drain' 'you're just paying your landlord's mortgage' comments get so wearing honestly. They imply that renting is a stupid foolish decision someone shouldn't be making. When in reality most people who rent rent because homeownership is a goal out of their reach.

I think it was insensitive and depending on how you said it and how sensitive they are, I can understand why they'd be upset but I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it.

I rented for years. Only stopped a few years ago. i wouldn't have been upset by what you said. I don't think it's judgemental and I don't think it's insensitive.

And just to really be clear: do you think she went away happier or sadder from your conversation and thinking about how she will always have to find rent money and you won't?

I think the point is that you don't need to tell people what their worries are. They know!

Maybe, until you’re better able to manage your tone, you could avoid telling your friends about the various ways in which you consider yourself to be making better decisions than them.

Otherwise, you may need to learn to be OK with people finding you abrasive, just as you’ve learned to be OK with not having a pension. We all have different priorities, after all.

I find it always helps to think first about whether something I am going to say is going to make someone feel better or worse.

People who rent are utterly sick of other people pointing out, again and again and again, that they will be renting forever. I cannot tell you how often I've heard the trite phrase 'it's money down the drain!' (no, you're paying for shelter, like you pay for food. Once the food is consumed, it isn't down the drain. Once you've lived in a secure safe place for a month, it isn't down the drain. It helped you meet your needs).

It's tone deaf when you're in the privileged position to have a mortgage. I don't know why you felt the need to point out to her that you will have paid off your home in a few decades while she will still be renting because she hasn't for whatever reason 'bought' a property.

If you were bemoaning that you would always be renting, to a renter or someone with a mortgage, that's fine because it's your feelings. The way this actually went down though is really crass. I think you do owe her an apology acknowledging her feelings.

Very very insensitive and as someone who was a long-term renter you should understand that.

Most people who rent in the UK do not do so out of choice, they do so because they cannot buy. And they KNOW it's a constant expense, as well as being precarious for many other reasons. You feel vulnerable as a renter, and you have to try to ignore that feeling to just get on with life. You also feel like a bit of a failure, even if that's not rational. What you never, ever need to hear is someone smugly talking about when their mortgage will be paid off and telling you you're in a worse situation. No shit!

I didn't want to hear that when I was a renter. Now I'm an owner I make sure to never, ever talk about how much better off I am when I'm with renters. It's just politeness, ultimately.

The comment was in context and relevant to the conversation about pensions
it wasn’t a rental V buy conversion

No Pension .. wow. Working until you are 76 (at least) then relying on a state pension (if it still exists)
Beans on Toast are the least of your problems … heating, lighting, other utilities, and maintenance of your house are much higher up the list.

That's what I thought.

The content of what OP said sounds fine to me. Maybe it was the tone.