Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

You absolutely havent done anything wrong. People get all upset over anything and everything these days.

I had a friend ask me if I had any holidays booked for next year:

"Yes we are booked for Easter to go to Kenya, you?"

Really casual in convo so no bragging or anything that could be misinterpreted....

Could see the look on her face then she went moody and changed topic.. 2 days later she was discussing it with another friend about how I was off on another exotic holiday and how do I do it....

She asked, I told her factually where I was going and she took offense because she isnt in a position to afford a long haul holiday and instead prioritises her money differently (no judgement)

Different strokes for different folks

The trouble is if you are just chatting the conversation goes off in all sorts of directions, if you are constantly trying to remember which topics you should avoid or be careful around it can get pretty tricky, so many potential pitfalls and this is apparently another. For instance children to childless people, problems with elderly parents to people who's parents died young, babies/being pregnant to those trying and failing, practically anything you can think of could upset someone, children doing well at school, going to uni, new car, posh dress, exotic holiday, you name it and it might be off limits, not even to mention, politics and religion.

And as said home ownership is not a panacea, you still have all the bills and council tax, house insurance, maintenance which gets more difficult to do yourself as you get older (and can be hugely expensive these days) certainly not a one sided discussion. I remember my dad absolutely wouldn't consider buying a house (a millstone round your neck), my mum would have loved to!

You really didn’t think that telling her that her financial situation is going to be rough come retirement was an insensitive thing to do? She probably knows and worries about it and for you to smugly tell her you are glad that won’t happen to you probably made her want to smack you.

I do think it was a bit insensitive OP, and I'm normally quite a straight talking person. It sounds a tad like (stealth) boasting. Presumably you are putting away toward a maintenance and repairs fund too, something your friend won't have to do.

That was very insensitive

I don’t see that she is beating herself up about it, rather wanting to argue that her friend is wrong and has no right to feel upset by it.

Whereas the easy fix to this, if you care about the friendship, is to say, ‘oh no, of course I don’t look down on you or anyone for renting, I’m so sorry if I came across that way - I expressed myself clumsily.’

People make all sorts of different financial decisions to try to maximise security in old age, but there’s no denying that there is a particular social / class stigma about not owning property in the UK that just doesn’t exist in a lot of other countries, and it’s not unusual at all for people to have been made to feel ashamed about it over the course of their lives.

(I say this as someone who grew up outside the British class system and find this aspect of UK life saddening and perplexing - and very deeply culturally entrenched)

all the freebies freee rates pip and everything else

She gets PIP because shes a widow of a feckless loser? Pretty sure thats not how it happens, but you do you.

My mum never worked, rented all her life, rent was covered by benefits as she lives in a cheap area. Then in her 50s she got an inheritance, enough to buy a small flat in this cheap area, which she did. Thinking she'd be sorted for life. It took all of the inheritance to do it.

Now she's in her late 70s, struggling on state pension. House falling to bits around her as she can't afford to do anything. At least in rented all of that was covered. She would have still got benefits to cover the rent. She can't move somewhere cheaper because there is nowhere. She can't really downsize as her flat is already tiny.

I suppose the only "benefit" is that she isn't at the whim of a landlord wanting to sell up or whatever. But had that happened, the council would have housed her, they always house pensioners because imagine the uproar if pensioners were living on the streets!

So you might not be in a better position than your friend in the end.

Anyway, regardless of what you or we think, your friend was upset. Therefore it would be the kind thing to do to apologise.

I mean, if you were saying it as in checking your own privilege.

Like, I know I've got it easier as I've not got to pay rent. Kind of in a sympathetic but not patronising way.

I guess you should apologise as you didn't want to hurt her but clearly did.

Good grief, you made a factual statement. She might think it isn't sensible not to pay into a pension fund. You didn't invent the concept. I am not sure how your friend navigates life if she is upset about this.

It was a factually accurate statement OP so I'm not sure why she was so upset but nevertheless, if I thought I had offended a friend with something I had said I would apologise.

In all honesty she will probably be better off in retirement than you anyway if you have no pension just due to the costs of maintaining your home and the lack of state support for that if you are a homeowner. As others have pointed out she will have no maintenance costs and will be eligible for some state support in all likelihood unless she has a good private pension.

My mum and dad's next door neighbour (early 80s) relies on a state pension only and her owned home is in a desperate state of repair. She relies on the goodwill of her church members (and my parents) to help out with maintenance as best they can but she is already preparing herself for having to sell when her ancient boiler packs in for good as she won't have any money to replace it and she is likely to only get a fraction of what the house is worth due to its dreadful condition.

Do you aim to contribute in the future? If you can’t afford it now I am guessing you don’t have independent wealth (although maybe future inheritance?). Because you can’t really rely on there being any sort of assistance when you retire and given you opted out of contributing there might be conditions to any help such as selling your house if it put you above any capital threshold.

Oops you just outed yourself as judgemental and looking down on her, despite claiming earlier than you didn’t.

in this case, the way you came across in person is probably more insensitive than your OP made out.

I think it sounds really snooty.

Money is usually a subject best avoided between friends. It sounds like you raised it in the first place by bringing up your pension decision.

I read what you said as sympathetic towards renters, but it would have been better not to add that bit.

I also wouldn’t make assumptions about whether she can buy a house more easily than you did, unless you know the ins and outs of all her finances and any other reasons she and her partner haven’t bought one.

It's not a comment I would have made in conversation with someone who was renting, no. You were honest and truthful though, I don't see that you should apologise.

You just touched a nerve I expect, no doubt this is something that has worried her at times and for whatever reason she has not yet purchased a property and wonders will she regret that.

What you said wasn’t rude, but if I became aware that I’d upset my friend I would apologise. Why wouldn’t you? You didn’t mean to upset her, and she’s your friend.

Also I think pensioners have rent paid by housing benefit. I might be wrong about that though.

You should apologise because your comment made her feel you were looking down on her. You can assure her that you do not, you know that most people have to make difficult financial choices. I'm sure if your friend said that she was glad she has a pension to provide an income when she retires, you wouldn't think she was criticising your decision.

I wouldn't rely on the equity in my house to last a lifetime. My uncle died recently aged 100. As my cousin commented at the time theres nothing left in the will for him or his brother. Uncle was retired for 40 years , with the last 10 years being spent in a care home along with my auntie. They had to sell up when savings were used up in care fees and then the proceeds from the sale of the house were exhausted.