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Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

239 replies

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:03

Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

OP posts:
Notmycircusnotmyotter · 24/07/2025 16:54

She's overly sensitive, I don't think you did anything wrong.

whitewineandsun · 24/07/2025 16:54

anniegun · 24/07/2025 16:51

Every one of your updates makes it sound more like you were having a subtle dig about her housing situation

It does.

Boomer55 · 24/07/2025 16:52

Malaco · 24/07/2025 14:58

Also I think pensioners have rent paid by housing benefit. I might be wrong about that though.

No they don't. Like everyone of any age, it depends on income/savings. I rent (HA) but I can't claim benefits, and pay all the rent etc myself.

No regrets about renting though. 👍

anniegun · 24/07/2025 16:51

Every one of your updates makes it sound more like you were having a subtle dig about her housing situation

scarystories · 24/07/2025 16:51

@whitewineandsun It's not a dig, it's the truth. For a single person, buying a house is significantly more challenging compared to a couple with two incomes. Feel free to look it up if you don’t believe me. But take it however you like.

OP posts:
Richiewoo · 24/07/2025 16:47

I don't understand why she's upset. You were stating a fact not showing off.

scarystories · 24/07/2025 16:46

@beetr00 No, I’m sorry, but I completely disagree with your comment. Whether she buys a house or not doesn’t concern me. It was a personal goal of mine, but I realise it’s not for everyone. Homeownership has its advantages, just like anything else, but it also comes with its drawbacks, and I can see why some people would choose to rent to avoid those responsibilities. My friend doesn’t seem keen on buying a house and prefers to spend her money on other things, which is perfectly okay. I don’t care. However, as a couple, with two incomes, it would definitely be easier to buy a property than for a single person. That’s just a fact. It doesn’t imply that I believe she’s wrong for not buying one or that I look down on her.

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 24/07/2025 16:43

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:16

@TheRealGoose I rented on my own, worked full time and managed to save enough to buy a house. It took years of hard work, but I managed it. My friend has a partner, which means they have two incomes. If they really wanted to buy a house, I can guarantee it would be much easier for them than it was for me.

So you were just getting a few digs in?

MarxistMags · 24/07/2025 16:41

@TheRealGoose I don't think the OP was being rude, smug or crowing about her circumstances. She was being conversational. And honest.
I'm surprised that she has 20-30 years left on her mortgage. I'm assuming it's new and she was RENTING before 😀

Malaco · 24/07/2025 16:41

aWeeCornishPastie · 24/07/2025 16:37

Surely if your talking about renting into old age she won’t be working by that point and will be eligible for housing benefit of some kind

I thought that too. I read on mumsnet that pensioners get housing benefit if renting.

TheOGBethDuttton · 24/07/2025 16:40

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:16

@TheRealGoose I rented on my own, worked full time and managed to save enough to buy a house. It took years of hard work, but I managed it. My friend has a partner, which means they have two incomes. If they really wanted to buy a house, I can guarantee it would be much easier for them than it was for me.

Ok so perhaps it was your tone, if you handled it like that. That's a whole lot of judgement and assumption.

You can assume it's easier for them, but unless you know the ins and outs of someone else's finances, who are you to say it's easier for them? How do you know they've not got debt they're trying to pay off, or family members they're propping up financially?

Most people would live their own home, but it's simply not possible for some.

Lisa411980 · 24/07/2025 16:39

Nope apologie and say you wernt being rude but no I rent and wouldn't take it like that everyone's different everyone has a good and bad day maybe she was just being a little down that day and took it for more than what it was we've all done it

ZippyStork · 24/07/2025 16:39

OP, you didn't say anything wrong, you were pointing out pros and cons, your friend probably agreed.
Just message and say you hope you didn't upset her, if it makes you feel better.

And ignore some of the nasty comments on here.

butterpuffed · 24/07/2025 16:38

Katemax82 · 24/07/2025 14:48

You were stating a fact. I rent and I'm not offended

Same here , I wouldn't have been offended either .

You weren't insensitive OP , ignore the nay sayers .

aWeeCornishPastie · 24/07/2025 16:37

Surely if your talking about renting into old age she won’t be working by that point and will be eligible for housing benefit of some kind

Ivy888 · 24/07/2025 16:34

Your friend sounds very sensitive, of course you shouldn’t apologise. It’s a simple fact that renting costs never disappear. Just stating that fact doesn’t mean you’re looking down on her. Maybe she took offence at your tone?

beetr00 · 24/07/2025 16:34

scarystories · 24/07/2025 16:27

@beetr00 no I wasn’t. Please read my other comment. It was in response to the poster implying I was lucky for buying a house.

I understand that @scarystories but subconsciously that is, in fact, your mindset.

No judgement here, at all, owning your own home seems to be a goal for the vast majority of the UK tbf.

Lovestotravel79 · 24/07/2025 16:31

If you can’t be honest with another adult in a friendship then something is wrong. What you have said is honest and factual that renting cost continue long after a mortgage. You didn’t say anything that the majority of the adult population aren’t aware of.

fthisfthatfeverything · 24/07/2025 16:30

I think she’s too sensitive about not owning a home.

Malaco · 24/07/2025 16:29

DancingLions · 24/07/2025 15:16

My mum never worked, rented all her life, rent was covered by benefits as she lives in a cheap area. Then in her 50s she got an inheritance, enough to buy a small flat in this cheap area, which she did. Thinking she'd be sorted for life. It took all of the inheritance to do it.

Now she's in her late 70s, struggling on state pension. House falling to bits around her as she can't afford to do anything. At least in rented all of that was covered. She would have still got benefits to cover the rent. She can't move somewhere cheaper because there is nowhere. She can't really downsize as her flat is already tiny.

I suppose the only "benefit" is that she isn't at the whim of a landlord wanting to sell up or whatever. But had that happened, the council would have housed her, they always house pensioners because imagine the uproar if pensioners were living on the streets!

So you might not be in a better position than your friend in the end.

Anyway, regardless of what you or we think, your friend was upset. Therefore it would be the kind thing to do to apologise.

Could your mum get equity release? I know it's not necessarily a good deal, but might help a bit?

scarystories · 24/07/2025 16:27

@beetr00 no I wasn’t. Please read my other comment. It was in response to the poster implying I was lucky for buying a house.

OP posts:
casualcrispenjoyer · 24/07/2025 16:25

your social skills require some work

because it’s pretty obvious that would have upset your friend and would have been better kept in your head

beetr00 · 24/07/2025 16:23

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:16

@TheRealGoose I rented on my own, worked full time and managed to save enough to buy a house. It took years of hard work, but I managed it. My friend has a partner, which means they have two incomes. If they really wanted to buy a house, I can guarantee it would be much easier for them than it was for me.

so you were actually making a point @scarystories be honest.

AvidJadeShaker · 24/07/2025 16:20

It won’t do any harm to apologise.

Neither of you are in an ideal position.

Nanny0gg · 24/07/2025 16:19

Zov · 24/07/2025 14:17

I thought you were going to say that you said only people like The Clampetts rent or something! 😬 (Not true obviously, but some people have this attitude!)

You didn't say anything wrong, or innaccurate really. BUT, whilst people who rent will always have to pay rent, they won't have maintenance and repair bills. Ever. (Also, people on low income will have rent paid by benefits...)

A woman I know (early 60s) and her DH stopped paying for their house 3 years ago, but last year they had a £15,000 bill for a new roof. Also, they have shelled out a sum in the low 5 figures (£14K or so) for a new heating system, and new electrics in the past 3 years.

So just because you are mortgaged/are a homeowner, that doesn't mean you will be free of bills and outgoings when your mortgage is paid off. And as I said, whilst your friends who rent are still paying rent (if they not on a low income and getting housing benefit,) YOU will be shelling out 10s of 1000s of pounds for repairs and maintenance. A house has an ever open mouth, and even when you get one or two things done that need doing, before long, something else will need doing/fixing!

The 'renters' will get all their repairs and maintenance and 'modernising' of their house done for nothing. So I don't think you will be better off than your friends who rent. So if that was the reason for opting out of the pension, I would think seriously about opting back in.

Edited

What 'modernising'?

And renters run the risk of the house owner selling it out from under them after who knows how many years?

And if the landlord wants to get the repairs and maintenance done for the lowest possible price then they have to live with botch jobs.

Renting is not the best option