Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend upset because of a comment I made about renting

239 replies

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:03

Last week, I caught up with a close friend and we started talking about pensions. This topic came up because I recently started a new job and chose to opt out of the private pension scheme. I've always made this choice for various reasons that I won't bore you with, it’s a personal decision that suits me. However, I completely understand why others would choose to have one. Of course, I might live until I'm 90 and end up eating beans on toast every day, who knows? But that's my issue, not anyone else's.

Anyway, I told my friend that I wasn't worried and was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off in the next 20-30 years, so I wouldn't have to worry about that monthly expense. I mentioned that it's harder for people who rent, as that bill will always be there. This comment upset her because she rents, and she felt I was looking down on her. That was not my intention (I actually rented for 7 years before buying my house). I was only stating a fact: rent is a constant expense, whereas a mortgage eventually ends.

Was I wrong? Should I apologise?

OP posts:
Selfsetfree · 24/07/2025 20:43

You worded it clumsily. Your friend knows the difference between renting and mortgage I’m sure. Maybe it hit a nerve because the position she is in means she may never own a home. As someone who has rented and owned I did find people look down on renters. Perhaps not so much now as rent often costs more than a mortgage!

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 20:43

@daisychain01 where do you expect me to get the extra money from to pay into my pension? If you have any suggestions, please let me know. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 20:41

@Jewel52 yep, not true. Nice try though! I’ve already explained my intentions a million times, if you can’t be arsed reading the thread I’m not going to waste my time repeating myself. Have a good night 😊

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 24/07/2025 20:36

You friend should feel sorry for you.

Opting out of workplace pensions is bizarre and financially inept. You are giving away years of free money from your employers' contributions. Plus your money going in is tax free.

Jewel52 · 24/07/2025 20:36

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:16

@TheRealGoose I rented on my own, worked full time and managed to save enough to buy a house. It took years of hard work, but I managed it. My friend has a partner, which means they have two incomes. If they really wanted to buy a house, I can guarantee it would be much easier for them than it was for me.

You absolutely look down on your friend and feel that you did better. That’s what came across in your comment.

You were unkind and you don’t better to own that rather than seek vindication from strangers.

You knew what you were saying when you said it and that it would hit its target. So you’re a homeowner rather than a tenant, big whoop whoop.

ChampagneLassie · 24/07/2025 20:34

As a long term renter I’ve been on the receiving end of comments like this regularly so on one hand you’re not uniquely bad on the other I find it curious why in this one respect so many people feel it’s appropriate to be so crass?

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 20:22

@sandyhappypeople @mylovedoesitgood I shared that I had chosen to opt out of the scheme, and she responded by saying she wouldn’t want to take that risk. She mentioned knowing another friend who had 30k in her pension and thought that was a wise decision. I admitted that I might be foolish for not having one, but I was hopeful that my mortgage would be paid off at least. However, I understood that this might not be feasible for many people, especially those who rent, as they would still need to cover their rent payments. That was the extent of it. It wasn’t meant to be a criticism of her, it was simply a conversation and a general observation.

I understand your perspective, it may have seemed that way. I believe I should apologise because I don't want her to feel hurt, but there was definitely no malice intended on my part.

OP posts:
mylovedoesitgood · 24/07/2025 20:14

Answering the question, there was no need for you to say that about renting since it wasn’t relevant to the conversation and you knew your friend rents. If she too had a mortgage that would be different. So it was a clumsy comment, in my view.

sandyhappypeople · 24/07/2025 20:10

I'm sorry but you do sound condescending OP.

Why mention renting at all? Have a think about that question, because renting bears absolutely NO relevance to you or your situation, so why even bring it up? You could have said what you said without mentioning people that rent at all.. to your friend who just so happens to rent her house!

Of course it was a dig about people that rent their homes, and by association it was a dig at her, whether you did it on purpose or just don't think before opening your mouth remains unknown, the friend has obviously had enough of it though!

mylovedoesitgood · 24/07/2025 20:09

Zov · 24/07/2025 18:59

That's what I said. Homeowners who have their house paid for, should not be too smug and disparaging of 'renters,' because they will shell out 10s of 1000s of pounds over the years (even when they are mortgage free,) for repairs and maintenance forever. Renters don't have this problem. All repairs and maintenance is covered.

Also, renters on low income/no income, will have their rent paid if they end up out of work. No-one is going to pay the homeowners repair and maintenance bills!

The people who are in the most fortunate of all (IMO) are people in social housing. Often cheap/affordable property with a long-term or lifetime tenancy, and all the repairs and maintenance done. (And housing benefit if they can't afford the rent.)

Edited
Show quote history

Completely agree - additionally, the help from the government is very limited, if you can’t pay your mortgage, compared to anyone who’s renting. The RRB will also help renters. Being a ‘homeowner’ isn’t always the easy street some think it is, especially with no private pension and only having one income. I also think that the march of AI inadvertently means there’ll be a huge amount of repossessions within the next ten years or so.

ZoomingSusan · 24/07/2025 20:08

I don't think you need to apologise, OP (returning to the original question, I think), but you might want to tell your friend that you didn't mean to upset her and are sorry that you did.
Her response and the way your views align on this subject sound quite complicated. You don't look down on her but you have in mind that you prioritised buying a property over other things including a pension, and she's chosen to spend her money in different ways. So it's not straightforwardly that you could easily afford to buy and she couldn't. But maybe she resents you thinking like that.
I have a friend who could have bought a flat after receiving an inheritance and has left it too late now - she works hard but earns little, didn't feel ready to leave her rented flat for several years, so has used up a big chunk of the capital on living expenses. Her choice, and I would have done differently because I'd be scared of relying on the rental market, unless as a HA or council tenant.

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 20:07

@JHound Thank you, but I already have a budget in place. Having lived on my own for almost 11 years, I've had to be extremely careful and sensible with money. I shop at Aldi and Lidl, I don't drive an expensive car, I buy clothes on Vinted (and not very often at that), and I haven't been on holiday in years. If I had the means, I would contribute to one. It's hard as a single person trying to cover everything on my own. Unfortunately, my pension has had to bear the consequences of that.

OP posts:
JHound · 24/07/2025 20:00

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:32

@ThatCoolGoose Have you considered that perhaps I can't afford the monthly payments, which is why I chose to opt out? I'm a single person earning an average wage. After covering my mortgage, bills, food, gas, electric, and fuel, there's hardly anything left. Maybe if taxes were lowered, people would have more money to contribute to their pensions every month. The reality is a lot of people can’t afford to live now, let alone in 40 years.

Sounds like you need a budget. Does your employer do a match? If so that is free money you are leaving on the table.

JHound · 24/07/2025 19:59

As somebody who is almost 50 and renting I think your friend is being stupid.

To me it’s painfully obvious that, social housing aside, renting in retirement will devour my income which is why I am desperate to get on the housing ladder. Why does the truth annoy her?

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 19:57

@Agua2025 I live alone and I don’t claim any benefits. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 19:55

@Horserider5678 it might be helpful if you read my other comments 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Kaliillusion · 24/07/2025 19:55

Zov · 24/07/2025 14:17

I thought you were going to say that you said only people like The Clampetts rent or something! 😬 (Not true obviously, but some people have this attitude!)

You didn't say anything wrong, or innaccurate really. BUT, whilst people who rent will always have to pay rent, they won't have maintenance and repair bills. Ever. (Also, people on low income will have rent paid by benefits...)

A woman I know (early 60s) and her DH stopped paying for their house 3 years ago, but last year they had a £15,000 bill for a new roof. Also, they have shelled out a sum in the low 5 figures (£14K or so) for a new heating system, and new electrics in the past 3 years.

So just because you are mortgaged/are a homeowner, that doesn't mean you will be free of bills and outgoings when your mortgage is paid off. And as I said, whilst your friends who rent are still paying rent (if they not on a low income and getting housing benefit,) YOU will be shelling out 10s of 1000s of pounds for repairs and maintenance. A house has an ever open mouth, and even when you get one or two things done that need doing, before long, something else will need doing/fixing!

The 'renters' will get all their repairs and maintenance and 'modernising' of their house done for nothing. So I don't think you will be better off than your friends who rent. So if that was the reason for opting out of the pension, I would think seriously about opting back in.

Edited

This is idealistic though and is rarely the way it works.
Theoretically renters should have everything updated and maintenance paid for and done in a timely manner. In reality many people who rent daren’t rock the boat too much for fear of landlords ending their contracts and finding tenants willing to put up with shoddy maintenance.

Agua2025 · 24/07/2025 19:54

Does anyone in your household claim benefits? PIP?

Skyrise · 24/07/2025 19:53

What you said is totally true. 🤷‍♀️

Horserider5678 · 24/07/2025 19:51

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:16

@TheRealGoose I rented on my own, worked full time and managed to save enough to buy a house. It took years of hard work, but I managed it. My friend has a partner, which means they have two incomes. If they really wanted to buy a house, I can guarantee it would be much easier for them than it was for me.

God you sound awful! You come across as look at me! You do realise by the time you retire there may not be much in the way of state pensions so your friend may actually have the last laugh!

KookyLurker · 24/07/2025 19:36

@SylvanianFamiliesBalcony Once the food is consumed, it isn't down the drain.

Totally not the point of this thread (or the point you were making), but where else does food go after you've consumed it?!😅😂

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 19:29

@CelestialGazer Please take a moment to read my comments carefully, as they will clarify why I haven't contributed to one. It's not due to a lack of responsibility.

OP posts:
CelestialGazer · 24/07/2025 19:25

Hopefully when you retire you won’t be one of the people who complain that the state pension is inadequate and you need other state benefits because you haven’t done the responsible thing and built up a private or occupational pension to provide more than a very subsistence level of retirement (which is all the state pension will give you).

tommyhoundmum · 24/07/2025 19:15

scarystories · 24/07/2025 14:32

@ThatCoolGoose Have you considered that perhaps I can't afford the monthly payments, which is why I chose to opt out? I'm a single person earning an average wage. After covering my mortgage, bills, food, gas, electric, and fuel, there's hardly anything left. Maybe if taxes were lowered, people would have more money to contribute to their pensions every month. The reality is a lot of people can’t afford to live now, let alone in 40 years.

You said nothing wrong. There are always pluses and minuses about every decision financial and otherwise.

As you said later, your friend has a partner and they could buy should they wish to.

Like you, I scrimped and saved to get a mortgage and feel glad to have something to hand on to the child I've fostered.

Original poster
scarystories · 24/07/2025 19:09

@BeltaLodaLife oh okay, I misunderstood. I do apologise.

OP posts: