How can I not get angry at my child?

I was like this as a child - I absolutely hated my parents trying to help me with my homework because (a) it felt like a reprimand or a punishment even though they didn’t mean it to be (b) they approached maths differently from how I was taught at school and it was incredibly confusing (c) I simply can’t learn or focus with someone breathing down my neck, scrutinising what I’m doing, with an investment in my doing it better than I am.

Also, the problem for me was not one of comprehension, but information retrieval - I did actually know the material, I understood all the concepts, I just couldn’t recover any of it from my brain under pressure - it all turned to chaotic nonsense. There wasn’t a way to explain this to anyone.

(FWIW I was diagnosed in adulthood with dyscalculia and ADHD which made sense of this experience for me)

WHAT HELPED:

Getting a very patient tutor - a gentle retired teacher who’d seen it all, who was familiar with the way maths was taught at my school, and was not related to me in any way. And his accountability was to me and my learning, not to my parents and their anxiety to see me catch up and progress.

I just could never learn anything from my parents. I don’t think it’s that unusual, though it is frustrating.

My child is just the same as I was, and now the shoe’s on the other foot I absolutely get how frustrating it is not to be able to help, and to have your child scream ‘I KNOW!!’ When all evidence suggests otherwise.

It’s hard, but in some senses your DH may be right - you may not be the right people to help with this, just because you’re her parents. It may not be a good use of your relationship with your DD.

I work with kids and I also have a year 6 DD.

Firstly, this is a tough age. Your DD will be starting to become more self conscious, hormones will be coming into play, and she's still learning how to regulate her emotions. As other's have said, its not "arrogance". She's embarrassed and frustrated because she finds Maths hard. It's really difficult for kids who struggle in core subjects because they have to do them every single day at school. Your DD now associates Maths with feeling embarrassed and frustrated, which will make her resent having to do it, especially in her own time at home.

My advice would be don't let home-work become a battle ground. If she associates homework with everyone getting upset, it will start to become a source of anxiety for her and kids can't learn effectively when they're anxious. I agree with pp that it's in everyone's interests to get her a tutor if you can afford it. That way, however hard she finds Maths it's not going to get in the way of your relationship with her and won't impact on family life.

Talk to the school. Tell them the truth, that homework has become such a source of stress for your DD that it's impacting your family life, you feel it's affecting your relationship with her and she isn't deriving any educational benefit from it because she's getting too upset to learn. Lots of schools have homework clubs so kids can get it done at school and then relax at home so that's worth checking.

Also, you need to model self-compassion. Stop giving yourself such a hard time. You're not an "awful person" because your instinct when shouted at is to shout back. You clearly care, you're trying and none of this is easy. Your DH is also not helping the situation by opting out and walking away anytime things get difficult.

My eldest is a bit like this, and it's really frustrating. I agree with others about trying to get someone else to help - a tutor if possible, but if not, you could use YouTube videos, revision books, audio cards/CDs etc.

I also try to model not knowing things and asking for help in front of her. I tell her about mistakes I make at work and how I tried to fix them etc.

As the teacher has expressed concern about her maths could you get a tutor?

You pay for a maths tutor!

My child screams at me over homework. She is 15 now. She's done it since primary (COVID home tutoring child).

I now throw money at the problem. It's frustrating because I am actually a maths tutor myself. But I cannot teach my own child. It's better for all our sakes that someone else does it.

When my teens asked me a question at around age 16, I realised that they’d transitioned from teen to adult. They didn’t see asking or not knowing something as a weakness and that when you’re an adult there’s plenty you don’t know. When they were younger, they’d often say “being an adult is so easy” and be desperate to grow up but later realised that being a child is so much easier.

Listen, I don’t want to brag. But my teenager knows everything. All the time, whatever I’ve said to her. She knows.

You will need to get used to that one, it doesn’t stop. Just breathe and move on to the next thing.

Ask her how she would like you to help her. I find it’s useful with my extremely knowledgeable teenager to ask her to show me how she thinks a problem is done. If she has no idea, I ask her to show me how it would start. If she still doesn’t know, I’ll say “let’s try to figure it out”. Pretending I don’t know is catnip to my teenager, she loves to show me what she knows!

I agree with getting a tutor, especially as she works well in school. I would step back from teaching entirely - unless she comes to you for help. She needs a calm and peaceful home and a non - adversarial relationship with her mother first and foremost.

I would focus on giving her stuff she CAN do but takes a little time and so building confidence and fluency. Stop expecting to teach her new things for a while.

I've been there! Hugs, op

My daughter is this age and is very much like this. Maybe it's developmental! Great student in school. Awful to do anything with at home. She is dyslexic and that comes out on her maths and spelling mainly. I would love to do more to support her but it just doesn't work and it's damaging for our relationship because I end up threatening, bribing, getting cross, and she kicks against it. I read a book recently called dyslexia at home, and it really highlighted for me that my role is to support her and advocate for her, not to teach her. On the back of that I am going down the route of paying for a tutor. She's had a few sessions that seem to have been a big help, I know she has used the things she was shown. She's on a waitlist for regular sessions.

You are an adult
You are in control of your behaviour
You should model calm take a deep breath behaviour

She is a growing tween with hormones still learning
Show her how to walk away calmly

Read "how to talk so kids will listen...."

How ?
Practice
Do not open your mouth.
Count to 10
Breathe
Walk away
You are in control of your reaction

Honestly, if you can afford it, I think you'd be better off getting her a weekly tutor. Or into a local tutoring group which would cost less.

It doesn't always work for a parent/child relationship for the parent to try to take over some of the teaching themselves.

There's some great advice already about dealing with your daughter's responses.
If she has problems with Maths in general, is giving her more of the same over the summer holidays that helpful? And is it all maths, or very specific aspects? My son also hates me correcting him, so we do maths online and it's a lot easier for him to take when the computer tells him it's wrong! Then I can help explain the bits where he's confused.
There's so many maths apps - Duolingo, Beast academy, doodle maths, Albert jr, Mathseeds, and plenty more.
Also, make sure you're giving her lots of opportunities to do the kind of thing she excels at, only focusing on the tough stuff will just make everything worse because it's eroding her confidence.

I used to be a primary teacher and now have two kids of my own. Children often respond badly to their parents trying to teach them - it could be to do with not wanting to seem 'stupid' in front of a beloved parent or due to personalities or teaching style. When I was a teacher parents would often complain their children didn't listen or got upset -my advice was usually to lay off teaching and just focus on supporting and encouraging instead.

Could you let her do the homework alone in pencil, and then go through it with her afterwards correcting any mistakes, perhaps showing the working out etc and then go over it in pen? Or is it all done on a computer / tablet? Omg am i a dinosaur? Im 40 and my twins start school in sept 😁

Your dd will know that maths is a weakness and her “I know” is an attempt to not feel embarrassment about being “stupid”. I’m not saying she’s stupid btw , but she may feel like that and call herself that.

Have you started at too difficult a point? You might want to ease into things by starting at an earlier point. For example if she’s struggling with 2 digit multiplication, do some 1 digit for a few days for confidence.

It’s very common at her age to pretend that she’s not struggling and pretend it’s all fine. She’s not being arrogant - she doesn’t want to admit that it’s hard. She’s not 5 so won’t be honest and say she can’t do it or she doesn’t understand. This kind of behaviour will continue into puberty and she will learn that when you ask if she has an umbrella when she goes out it’s because this is England and it frequently rains, not because you’re annoying and trying to ruin her life.

It’s super common to clash with your child when you teach them. It’s why people use tutors at primary age. The parents know how to do the maths but the child will be less embarrassed asking questions and looking “weak” in front of a stranger than you.

Next time you’re feeling angry, it’s time for a tactical toilet break or similar. Don’t ruin your relationship with her.

can i please get advice on how to deal with the “arrogance”

My top advice would be stop thinking of it as "arrogance." She's overwhelmed, frustrated, and defensive, and that's likely to be because of your relationship with her, which has been led by you. Stop thinking of this as her fault or a flaw in her personality.

Get a tutor. she won’t listen to you because you’re Mum. I was a tutor and some of my tutees’ parents were teachers and SENDCOs.

I hear you, OP.

I'm a teacher. I have plenty of patience with other people's kids, but my own? That, "I KNOWWWWWWW!" really pushes my buttons!

I ask her to try first, and to ask me for help if she needs it. Then I muster all my patience, go through things calmly, remember I'm a duck, and have a glass of wine after.

Sometimes I do a swap with my best friend who is also a teacher - I do her kids, she does mine. For the same reason!

Also it can be hard for them because our explanations is different to the teacher, even if it explains the same. If they struggle to understand one explanation, having to try to understand another is just added stress and frustration.

My kids were the same until I turned it around and asked them to tell me how I could help. We would go through the exercise, let them explain it to me, which often was enough for the penny to drop. If not, I'll wait for them to ask me a specific question which I'd answer.

Sooooo much better that way!

I agree with this. You're her mum, not her teacher. It would be best to have a completely independent third party helping her.
She is not drastically behind. And do remember not all kids are academic. He skills may lie elsewhere.
Why not ask a local sixth former doing A Level maths to help her. This will be someone a bit closer to her age, and she will likely lay off the back chat. That way you can keep your relationship as just parent-child.

Get her a tutor, a recent school leaver.
Someone who will teach her without pressure or an attitude.
Back off the helicopter parenting while she is doing her homework.
I would find you irritating too, if you continue to badger her, she'll get worse.
Let her breath.
My Dad was always shouting when we done our homework, none of us liked him.

What happens/what is said before the I know? What’s the mood/setup when she starts doing her work? Are her mistakes due to lack of understanding of basic concepts, or because she’s rushing/not paying attention?

Some things to try :

• ask her to show you her working out / explain her process in a non confrontational /curiosity kind of way.A lot of kids see the mistake when going over it/ explaining it to someone else.
• if applicable, say something like “let’s draw it out” , it might be that seeing a visual helps her understanding.
• say things like “let’s try this way” and show her a different method of doing things.
• don’t say things like it’s easy, she should know this etc. Admit if you find some questions tricky or if you found maths tricky in school and what helps. Admit you made mistakes and even do some now . Pretend if that’s not the case.

What is she struggling with mostly? Focus on the basics, place value, times tables , order of operations, missing numbers, column method.