To feel sad about DS loss of BFF

Its normal to be sad but these things happen too. We are going through it so ove lost friends in the parents too. Its sad but it is normal :(

Yes extremely common. I read somewhere that 75% of close friendships in year 6 will die a death by the end of year 7.

My ds10 has just finished year 5 and it has got me thinking about my friendships at a similar age. I was best friends with a girl from year 4/5 to the end of year 7 when we fell out. I remember clearly she wanted to be a “queen bee” and for her 3 friends (including me) to be her little minions and do her every bidding, such as giving her all our money for the tuck shop. Ridiculous. We never spoke again apart from once in year 8 when she ganged up on me with the other 2 girls who she had successfully convinced that she was the best thing since sliced bread. to be honest it was only after we stopped being friends that I realised she wasn’t actually very nice to me ever, but we’d just remained friends out of habit when we’d outgrown each other.

I am mentioning this very detailed story because I think this kind of thing is very common - kids stay in the same friendship groups out of habit and because they don’t know any different rather than because the friendship is any good for them. But when they get to secondary they realise, even subconsciously, that there are so many other people they can be friends with, and many of them will be nicer people!

My friends now as an adult consist of friends from work, the school gates and also some whom I met in secondary school - from year 9 onwards.

Similar just happened to my son at the end of year 6. I didn't realise how common it is. Sons BF dropped him, then bullied him. Friends mum in total denial. Sad for my son for going through the bullying, but actually it's better to know before starting secondary that this kid is not a real friend.

I'm sorry this happened to your son, and I understand you feeling sad about the lost friendship, but it sounds like your son will be better off with his new friends. I just hope my son finds a good group and his former friend drifts away at secondary.

That's lovely for you 😊

As I say, it's a general perspective from my personal experience and what I see through work. There are exceptions, but they are not very common.

I think make friends, enjoy them, but just be aware they might not be forever x

For your own wellbeing, nevermind his, you need to not get so invested in his friendships. He's old enough to recognise behaviours in people he doesn't want to be friends with which is great. He's not 2, you don't need to orchestrate his friendships. Get over it, quite frankly!

MN is so bloody weird about stuff like this. When I read your PP I knew you would be accused of being dramatic and over-invested.

Personally I think it is completely normal to be invested in our children's friendships. Good friendships are probably the single most important factor in determining whether our children are happy at school, and a huge part of their childhood experience and one that will influence the path of their relationships for the rest their adult lives.

I think it is fucking weird not to be invested TBH. You can be quietly deeply invested in something without it spilling outwards into interference, a point that PPs seem to miss. As for becoming friends with the families of our children's friends - should we keep people we personally like and our children love at arms distance just in case? Say no to spending time together as families when we really enjoy it and our children love it, for fear of being "over invested"?

OP I can completely understand where you are coming from, and I too would feel considerable sadness about this. This friend was obviously a huge part of your DS's time at primary school, and to have it end the way it has does risk leaving those memories tainted in some way if you're not careful to manage your thinking around it. And of course you will feel sadness for the pain it will have caused your DS at the time.

The huge positive though is that the whole experience has shown your DS to have huge strength of character, and it has all worked out well for him. So if you catch yourself feeling sad, I would try to remind yourself of the fact that without this experience, he wouldn't have had the chance to bounce back, discover his resilience, and find his new tribe.

Why are people commenting about OP interfering? She didn’t. The other mum wanted to try and sort it, OP listened to her son and didn;t push them back together.

I get lamenting the loss of a friendship. My daughter had the loveliest friendship with a brilliant girl through primary school. She moved away at the end of P7, and I really missed seeing them together. In high school she’s struggled with friendship groups but she’s doing ok now. One group in particular she was very close with, it was a group of girls she had brought together, they had all been ditched by their previous friend groups in quite a crappy way. She knew all of them individually and encouraged them to hang out. They became quite a tight group, then after about 18 months, they ditched her in the same way they had been ditched. It was horrible, they basically all just stopped talking to her and were walking away whenever she was near, moved seats in classes, stopped doing group work with her. All very “mean girls” stuff. She was devastated, and it was impossible for me not to be involved as it really affected her and she was talking to me about it all the time. I did step in when it became clear these girls were acting in a bullying way, but when it came to my daughter, I encouraged her to move on and stop chasing the friendship. I was friendly with one of the mums and I mentioned how hard my daughter had found it, she had said “oh it’s a shame, but these things happen, I don’t get involved” I told her what they had actually done to her and she was mortified about her daughter’s behaviour. She had only heard one side of it. Another of the mums I had known for years as her daughter was in primary with mine and we were on a fundraising committee together. She called me about a year after it all started. This group had done the same thing to her daughter as she had done to mine, and she found out at that point what her girl had been doing. She was mortified and apologised.

It is entirely wrong to say as parents we shouldn’t be interested or bothered about teenagers’ relationships. Helping them navigate through what can be a really tricky time is no different to teaching them any other life skill. When my sister and I had issues at school, my mum just said “oh just ignore them, play with someone else”. It was no help at all for me, as there were 10 kids in my class at primary. My sister had a harder time, ended up being bullied to the point she basically opted out of education.

@Celeste123 You’ve done a good thing by supporting your son. He has great friends now so be happy for him. The only thing I would have done differently is agreed to talk to the mum about what had gone on. She only has one side of the story and maybe thinks your son just ditched hers. I would have explained what your son had said about the situation and why he didn’t want to be in the friendship any more. That might have made it possible for your relationship to continue with her.

Yes it happens, a lot.
But it's the reason not to be over invested in your childrens friendships.
You should focus on what a miserable time your son had for a long time, and be delighted that he has the resilience to recover and move on.

This boys mother speaking badly of your son is awful and says so much about her.

I certainly wouldn't be mourning their loss.
Your son probably tolerated more than he wanted to, because the families were so enmeshed.

Polite friendly relationships with friends parents, but becoming involved is not wise in my view.

Children change and move on from some friends, as they grow and mature.

Better that they do that freely, not weighed down by the weight of their parents relationships IMO.

I think the fact that some people say 'we've been friends since primary school' as something worth sharing suggests that it's not always the case and often children find other friends once they've got more of a choice in senior school. I think it's great that despite pressure your son stuck to his guns and you need to stop asking and dwelling on it.

I think that there is something to be valued in a life long friendship and that's why I get feeling internally sad about this. I'd love to have some friends who had both known me when young and been good enough friendships to endure long term though to be fair I can see why this is quite rare.

I also don't understand why you and other mum couldn't have continued your friendship outside of the boys?
Exactly this.
With my first son and I was new to all this i assu.ed the really close friendship ds1 had with his mates would have lasted but at secondary he got a new set of mates that he is still close to nearly 15 years later.
Ds2 on the other hand is still really close to two friends ds who he met in reception.
Now they are adults they meet up as ex couples, go out for meals, go to each other's houses, go on holiday etc.

Let your child navigate his own relationship a d boundaries. You can offer advise if he asks for it but never meddle.
Dont be sad either, its part of the growing up process and nothing unusual has happened.

That is just your experience but many people like me have friends for life. One friend of 47 years, another for 39 years. I would say these friends know me inside and out in a way even my family do not know me. I think life long relationships are not confined to family, that this is just your experience and perspective.

Your DS has moved on, has friends and is happy. What's the issue?

Op you need to back off and fast.

Your first mistake was becoming besties with your son’s friends, your second mistake is continuing to pine for a friendship that ended due to abusive behaviour.

I think you miss the friendship and happy times, with the other family not your son. He is flourishing with new friends and moved on. You have not plugged the whole in your own life. Perhaps it’s time to throw a BBQ, make some friends of your own. Be expansive and stop hooking up or piggy backing your son’s relationships, he is old enough now to independently enjoy his own friends. He is growing up and it’s time you adjusted to the new chapter.

Cherish the young happy days, be glad you stood by him with pushy mother. Expand your own horizons.

This all sounds very intense and honestly a bit unhealthy. I think it’s good that your DS has managed to extract himself from this.

man that was long. They haven’t spoken in two years? Let it go

Yes it is common for children to have different friends at secondary school. My sons aren’t in touch with their best friends from primary school. I think you and the ex BF’s mums were very emotionally invested in the boys’ friendship and feel the loss of a whole network of connections and experiences. I remember feeling sad that some of the relationships I had when my boys were young were transitory and I felt betrayed that the other mums didn’t want them to continue after the boys’ friendships fizzled out. As children approach the end of primary school and enter secondary school they start to become more independent. When they’re little they’ll play with whoever is around. It’s great that your son moved on after a painful time and has made new friends. That is so good to hear!

I think you've gone a bit dramatic here! I never said isolate yourself and never have any friends! Just that generally, friends will come and go throughout your life. But family is forever. And in truth, they will always know you better and have stronger connections because of that, but also because you have so many really poinient shared experiences both good and bad that bond you together.

You work in palliative care or even in oncology and you see this quite regularly. Those with family are mentally stronger.

Me and my sister have friends, and our girls have friends, but the one they will go too when the going gets tough, and the one who will be there no matter what at 7 or 70 (as long as living!) will be the sibling not the school friend. My sister loved in Mallorca for years and my hubby's brother lives abroad too. Technology is a brilliant benefit these days and we made the effort.

It is sad, but u think people need to see friends as a friendship that fits that part of their lives because sadly they rarely last lifelong. X

I voted YABU but simply because you’re overinvested in something that your DS has moved on from long ago. FWIW the change in friendships at that age is VERY common, it happened with both of mine (they’re much older now) and it can be painful, and also the change of key stage or school at Y7 or Y9 changes a lot of friendships naturally anyway and I still remember numerous other DC having similar experiences. The important thing is not to see it as a ‘bad’ thing but to treat it as an important life lesson for the DC that not all friendships last. Your DS has learnt this but its interesting that you haven’t.

My DD and my friends DD were born 4 days apart they were best friends despite going to different schools. My friend and I made a pact if they fell out we would leave it up to them. They did fall out around year 2 of uni. They’re still not speaking but my friend and I mind our own business and continue our friendship

We worry about our DC all their lives, and your DS will likely have more friends and change them as he grows up. That is natural. He is growing up and learning to recognise other children for what they are and do. We think we can help our children, through all their difficulties, but that is impossible, and we feel a failure when we cannot, but that is normal too.

Worrying about this first friendship loss is futile, since children rotate friends as they grow up, especially when puberty kicks in.

You have done your best. Now it is up to DS.

This is such a sad outlook on life. Cousins over friends? I don't know anyone who is closer to their cousins as friends as adults.

Friends play such an important part of a child's development and for adults too in terms of building communities and lessening loneliness. I think it would be so harmful to your child to bring them up with this attitude. We should be encouraging our children to look outwards and to build bonds with others rather than encouraging them to isolate themselves with only family as friendship. What if they don't get on with their siblings or their siblings move away. How are they going to navigate life or be less lonely if they've been actively brought up to not make friends.

I think friends come and go, family is forever. So invest time and effort into siblings / cousins over friends maybe, and probably a good idea to have more than one friend and learn to defend himself l. It's sad but I feel generally true.

Really common

I dumped all my primary school friends as soon as I hit secondary.

But have life long friends from my area who I didn't go to school with who I met around that 5-8 year old range

It's an absolute lottery as to whether someone you befriended at 5 will still be compatible at 13

I haven't voted, as, like many others, I would vote that it is perfectly normal / common / usual for friendships to change as they move to secondary school.

OTOH, YABU to be so invested in your dc's friendship(s). It all just sounds so dramatic and unnecessary.