Page 3 | To give up my bedroom for my adult children?

maliafawn · 2025-07-24T09:20:33+00:00

Im pretty sure im not, but the reactions of “i could never” from friends and family has me questioning what other options people would see in this situation. i have 3 children, all about to turn 22 19 and 17. The two eldest are boys, youngest a girl. My eldest was diagnosed autistic at a young age, was working until recently when his mental health took a nose dive. He doesnt have the financial skills or maturity to live independently. 19 year old is about to start uni, has a part time job, but the uni is 5 mins from out home, and i dont have the money to supplement him at uni, him staying at home gives him the best possible chance of success. Youngest is about to start alevels and obviously theres no question about her being here. We have a 3 bed house. The idea when we moved here was for the boys to share - this didnt happen. So my middle son took to sleeping downstairs, and set up his computer etc there too. The living room is a huge living/dining room. So there was space to do so. This meant i had the biggest room, daughter the next, eldest the box room. However, this means the living room is chaos. It doesnt funtion as he sleeps late due to his part time job and when hes in here gaming on voice chat its not functioning for everyone else. He needs his own space, its not his fault hes in a shared space currently, he needs more space for uni, but to also enjoy his free time and hobbies. i have also started a WFH job recently. My plan is to divide the living room into two spaces using a Japanese room divider screen. The side with the door to the room becomes a functional living room with the 2 sofas tv and bookcases etc. The other side i can fit my king bed and my desk chair and shelving i use for working, each side will have its own large window too. I can clear out the understairs to store my clothing and shoes and anything else thats mine. Then move my daughter to the big room as it has the best storage that she needs the most, middle son to the mid sized room, and eldest stays in the box room. This gives everyone space they need. And tbh the living room is mostly used by me these days anyway, when i can use it in peace. The room divider screens mean i can still use it when people are round. The room is more than big enough to fit everything in how i plan with still plenty of space to move around. We haven't had a dining area since we moved in so that isnt needed. But the response i have gotten has been mixed, mostly people saying im mad. I’ve discussed it with some people as i dont drive and need to take some stuff to the tip, and i also asked a family member if they could take me to IKEA for some bits, its also just cropped up in conversation about how we are spending the summer break since bedrooms need redecorating and the whole house is being shifted about and organised. We havent actually started moving things yet, just organising our own belongings and getting rid of stuff ww no longer need. Given the space we have, and the needs of the individuals in the household, and moving is absolutely not an option, how would you set up the household?

Laurmolonlabe · 24/07/2025 22:25

Well that's something- make sure you have a proper bed, I used a sofa bed and they are not viable long term!

Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 22:22

Laurmolonlabe · 24/07/2025 22:14

It would definitely work- but TBH leaving yourself without a bedroom is a bit mad- you need good quality sleep which will be much harder for you than your children. So it will work but it smacks somewhat of martyrdom, as a person who has lived as an adult in the living room for 2 years it is not to be taken lightly how much not having your own space will affect your sleep and your mental health, and the inconvenience of having to stow everything before anyone gets up so it functions as a living room.

I wouldnt have to stow anything, they would be two separate areas with a screen/divider. I can even get one long enough so that entire side of the room is behind a screen, the area for sleeping would not be used as a family space at all.

OP posts:

ohnotthisagain2025 · 24/07/2025 22:22

gardenflowergirl · 24/07/2025 21:47

Why not divide the largest bedroom for your 2 sons? Then you have a bedroom for yourself.

Yeah, her son just decided this for the rest of them. Bit odd really.

ohnotthisagain2025 · 24/07/2025 22:21

user1476613140 · 24/07/2025 18:48

🙄

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🙄

AutumnFog · 24/07/2025 22:19

Ddakji · 24/07/2025 11:28

Well, firstly I wouldn’t want to sleep downstairs. Second, there’s no actual wall dividing it from the living room. And thirdly, I wouldn’t want to work in my bedroom.

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Want is very different to need. Not everyone can afford the ideal living space, and some people choose to prioritise their children over themselves if they haven't got the resources to afford the ideal house.

Laurmolonlabe · 24/07/2025 22:14

It would definitely work- but TBH leaving yourself without a bedroom is a bit mad- you need good quality sleep which will be much harder for you than your children. So it will work but it smacks somewhat of martyrdom, as a person who has lived as an adult in the living room for 2 years it is not to be taken lightly how much not having your own space will affect your sleep and your mental health, and the inconvenience of having to stow everything before anyone gets up so it functions as a living room.

justasking111 · 24/07/2025 22:09

I have one friend with a lift up bed that goes up during the day. That works well for them.

"Cadott Wooden Horizontal Wall Small Double Bed In White And LED | Furniture in Fashion" https://www.furnitureinfashion.net/cadott-wooden-horizontal-wall-small-double-bed-in-white-and-led-p-118826.html?fo_c=2673&fo_k=43bd3ba5d48f7a2c60c3963f99fe0f1f&fo_s=gplauk&www.furnitureinfashion.net/&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=1512285789&gbraid=0AAAAAD3iO4oSCErWzln9H7mV1nJVeakNJ&gclid=Cj0KCQjws4fEBhD-ARIsACC3d2-90OqMbqrN7exn9WqEf6vXfWdLsLERUl7KD9EuznAtPoXICmWCiRYaAtVJEALw_wcB

TimeForABreak4 · 24/07/2025 22:05

Yip I think that's a good plan op.

Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 22:03

gardenflowergirl · 24/07/2025 21:47

Why not divide the largest bedroom for your 2 sons? Then you have a bedroom for yourself.

Because even the largest bedroom isn’t big enough to divide into two useable spaces. Currently it has my bed and 2 bedside tables in and thats it. It has inbuilt wardrobes for storage but the floor space isnt loads. The next biggest room has slightly less floor space and no inbuilt storage, with a single bed that has underbed storage, my daughter also has space for some additional drawers and a desk. The floor space of all 3 bedrooms is basically equal to the floorspace of the living/dining room. As the upstairs is kind of set back from the front of the house downstairs.

To the poster who asked why my son cant have the created downstairs bedroom, this is because it wouldnt solve the problem of me wanting a useable family living room, partitioned off i would still be able to hear him game. I also need space in the living room for my desk to work, i dont want to do that in his bedroom for obvious reasons.

OP posts:

gardenflowergirl · 24/07/2025 21:47

Why not divide the largest bedroom for your 2 sons? Then you have a bedroom for yourself.

mogtheexcellent · 24/07/2025 20:39

Its exactly what my mum did when I was 14. I shared with DSis in a 2 bed and we did not get on at all, so DM moved into our front room and the dining room/kitchen space became our living room.

I am forever grateful she did this.

bluelavender · 24/07/2025 20:35

I think it is a lovely thing you are doing for your children and putting thier well being first.

But do consider if there is anything you can do for your wellbeing, particularly as you are giving up a room and adapting to meet everyone's needs. Can you give yourself a fund within your budget to have a few nights away in a nice hotel; or another activity that will be restful for you?

lovemetomybones · 24/07/2025 20:12

I think that you are doing the right thing, someone I know had a two bedroom with three children, huge living room and she refused to give up the biggest bedroom. They were all miserable. It would have been so much better had she moved to her living room and partitioned it off or got a sofa bed etc. instead she relinquished her lifetime council tenancy for a privately rented home. Although I understand the need for space I also worry about their security in the future. Your situation is temporary, your middle son will likely move out in the near future so I think moving downstairs is the best solution to you ur space issue

Shoemadlady · 24/07/2025 20:07

The plan sounds good but why can’t your son take the new downstairs bedroom?

PurplGirl · 24/07/2025 20:01

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:50

But im also getting what i want, which is the calm quiet living room space to relax in of an eve and spend more time with them watching shows we enjoy together when we can, have people over and be in a proper functional cosy living room, instead of one that has all my sons gaming stuff in. I value that more than a room to sleep in at the minute and its what im missing. I want to sit on my sofa with a blankets soft lamp light a glass of wine and my cats and read a book, without listening to my son call out game plays constantly smashing away on his keyboard.

And yes i did ask, because i was interested if anyone could suggest something that meets the needs of the people in my household, as those who have responded negatively couldnt suggest an alternative so i wondered how they can justify the “your mad” response when its the only workable solution. Your suggestion also doesnt meet the needs of everyone in the household, my needs which is a calm game free living room soace, nor those of my two sons who for various reasons can no longer share a bedroom.

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If you feel your suggestion meets the requirements of everyone in your household, then you don’t need external validation. I have suggested compromises, that with appropriate tweaks and some fleshing out could meet those needs. But it’s obviously different to your proposal. If you like your proposal, then hot foot it to ikea and live your best life OP 😀

Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:53

Couchpotato3 · 24/07/2025 19:50

I think your solution is the best, because as things are currently, the son who is sleeping in the living room controls / messes up the communal space. If you move around so that all the kids have their own space, you can confine their activities and mess to their own rooms. Dividing the big room sounds very sensible and actually gives you back a shared space that you can make sure is kept clear of everyone's clutter. One or more of the children will eventually leave and get their own places and then you can have a re-think. Anyone who doesn't live in your house can mind their own business - don't bother discussing it with anyone who hasn't got anything helpful to say!

Exactly this. I think what im gaining is more valuable to me than what im losing in this situation. I dislike reading and watching tv in bed, i want to use my sofas in peace!

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Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:50

PurplGirl · 24/07/2025 19:32

Then crack on OP. You asked aibu and I think you are for the reasons stated. It wouldn’t work for me and I wouldn’t do it in your situation. That age gap can share a room (I’ve done it). I appreciate ND adds an extra layer and it’s your choice how you manage that. My children, albeit younger, are all ND and I make different choices, but that’s ok. Whilst we all have the right to a safe and comfortable living space, I disagree that means the young adults all get what they want without compromising and mum loses a bedroom. But it’s not my house or my family so you do you OP.

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But im also getting what i want, which is the calm quiet living room space to relax in of an eve and spend more time with them watching shows we enjoy together when we can, have people over and be in a proper functional cosy living room, instead of one that has all my sons gaming stuff in. I value that more than a room to sleep in at the minute and its what im missing. I want to sit on my sofa with a blankets soft lamp light a glass of wine and my cats and read a book, without listening to my son call out game plays constantly smashing away on his keyboard.

And yes i did ask, because i was interested if anyone could suggest something that meets the needs of the people in my household, as those who have responded negatively couldnt suggest an alternative so i wondered how they can justify the “your mad” response when its the only workable solution. Your suggestion also doesnt meet the needs of everyone in the household, my needs which is a calm game free living room soace, nor those of my two sons who for various reasons can no longer share a bedroom.

OP posts:

Couchpotato3 · 24/07/2025 19:50

I think your solution is the best, because as things are currently, the son who is sleeping in the living room controls / messes up the communal space. If you move around so that all the kids have their own space, you can confine their activities and mess to their own rooms. Dividing the big room sounds very sensible and actually gives you back a shared space that you can make sure is kept clear of everyone's clutter. One or more of the children will eventually leave and get their own places and then you can have a re-think. Anyone who doesn't live in your house can mind their own business - don't bother discussing it with anyone who hasn't got anything helpful to say!

TaupeLemur · 24/07/2025 19:37

It won’t be forever and it sounds like it’ll work for you so ignore all other comments OP!

WiddlinDiddlin · 24/07/2025 19:34

I think it sounds great, given the alternatives, the best option you have.

As you won't really have people using the living area whilst you're working/sleeping, I really don't see how a curtain/screen isn't sufficient.

Asides from anything else, fitting a stud wall would mean ripping up whatever flooring is down and getting permission off the council. More hassle than it is worth!

PurplGirl · 24/07/2025 19:32

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:06

Even the biggest bedroom isnt big enough to partition.

The biggest bedroom i currently have isnt big enough for me to work from, which is why my desk is in the living room. The upstairs floor area is smaller than the downstairs in my house.

Both myself and the boys cant have use of the same bedroom for that plan to work.

My boys shared for years, up until last year. Theres reasons they no longer share and why my middle son refused on moving here. My autistic eldest doesnt share space well, he sleeps very little and wakes early, which doesnt gel with my younger son’s lifestyle. Theres more reasons i dont need to go into, but ultimately, a 22 year ild and a 19 year old regardless of any ND reasons, arent going to want to share a room.

i haven’t compromised my room in the year we have lived here. Ive tried the alternative and it just isnt working. I want a peaceful home, which is only going to happen if all 3 have a private space.

But also, its their home too. They have equal right to enjoy it. At the minute no one, bar the eldest, is enjoying the limited space we have. The eldest is very happy in his little box room with everything he wants in there, which is why im not moving him and unsettled him more. But no one else is. If this works, it helps everyone. And if it doesnt, as others have said, its not permanent. And im willing to sacrifice my bedroom for the few years required.

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Then crack on OP. You asked aibu and I think you are for the reasons stated. It wouldn’t work for me and I wouldn’t do it in your situation. That age gap can share a room (I’ve done it). I appreciate ND adds an extra layer and it’s your choice how you manage that. My children, albeit younger, are all ND and I make different choices, but that’s ok. Whilst we all have the right to a safe and comfortable living space, I disagree that means the young adults all get what they want without compromising and mum loses a bedroom. But it’s not my house or my family so you do you OP.

wendywoopywoo222 · 24/07/2025 19:22

Sounds very workable and sensible to me.

I moved into my conservatory so that my nephew had his own space when he came to me after a relationship split and he stayed two years. I loved the rain on the roof in the winter with my electric blanket and slept with the door open when it was hot.

Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:15

Lavender14 · 24/07/2025 18:59

I think what matters is that it feels doable for you - which it seems to.

My one concern is what your long term plan is for your eldest son. I've worked with a lot of people who are ND and often parents instincts are to keep them as close as possible for as long as possible. But then there comes a point where those parents get older and less able to provide the support they were providing and then it's a scramble to get the person set up with a new flat and manage bills and learn living skills etc and actually it would have been better to do it earlier so there was less pressure on it and parents were able to provide that support until they were up on their feet. There are tenancy support services etc available for young people who may be vulnerable living alone? Would that be something worth considering if your ds's mental health starts to improve eventually?
Would there be flats near to you?

Its something we will look i to down the line. But at the minute getting his mental health back on track and him back into work is the priority. Once he is in a good place i definitely want to explore his independence, but at the minute its not the right time. A year ago we expected to be in that place by now, and that my middle son would have his room by the time he was starting uni and none of this would be needed. He’d been in his job for 2 years and everything was going brilliantly, but unfortunately around Christmas that all changed.

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Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:11

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 24/07/2025 19:00

Loft and/or garage conversion ?

I dont own the property, its council rented. So whilst i can make changes that are removable, i cant do anything permanent. I can use the living room partitioned off as a bedroom space though as there is no fireplace in the room.

i also dont have any outside space to utilise at all.

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Original poster

maliafawn · 24/07/2025 19:06

PurplGirl · 24/07/2025 18:56

I can only tell you what I’d do in your situation and what choices I’d make. Why isn’t it working now? Because the young adults in your house all want to do what they want unhindered…but mum has to make all the sacrifices and compromises. That wouldn’t be for me. The boys would share the big bedroom , with a partition, and they’d have to work together to cone up with a timetable/solution for gaming/music. They’d be allowed to use the partitioned off area of the living space that you’d designate office/snug during your non-working time and to an extent that they didn’t prevent people chilling out in the lounge. You could also look at reconfiguring your room/changing furniture to fit your desk into, which would give them the run of the snug during the daytime. I just wouldn’t be giving up my bedroom and bending over backwards for everyone else with them making no compromises.

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Even the biggest bedroom isnt big enough to partition.

The biggest bedroom i currently have isnt big enough for me to work from, which is why my desk is in the living room. The upstairs floor area is smaller than the downstairs in my house.

Both myself and the boys cant have use of the same bedroom for that plan to work.

My boys shared for years, up until last year. Theres reasons they no longer share and why my middle son refused on moving here. My autistic eldest doesnt share space well, he sleeps very little and wakes early, which doesnt gel with my younger son’s lifestyle. Theres more reasons i dont need to go into, but ultimately, a 22 year ild and a 19 year old regardless of any ND reasons, arent going to want to share a room.

i haven’t compromised my room in the year we have lived here. Ive tried the alternative and it just isnt working. I want a peaceful home, which is only going to happen if all 3 have a private space.

But also, its their home too. They have equal right to enjoy it. At the minute no one, bar the eldest, is enjoying the limited space we have. The eldest is very happy in his little box room with everything he wants in there, which is why im not moving him and unsettled him more. But no one else is. If this works, it helps everyone. And if it doesnt, as others have said, its not permanent. And im willing to sacrifice my bedroom for the few years required.

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