Sister is pregnant, living with Grandparent

To be fair op you did say up thread that you and your other sister couldn't step up more because you have kids. You only changed your tune on that after it became clear that the majority on here think your sister has a right to have a baby if she wishes. If your grandma wants your sister to stay around, if she is willing to, she will need to understand that although the house is hers, your sister is an adult who can chose when/where/who she sees. Your grandma is fortunate to have a live in family member care for her. If it doesn't work for either of them new arrangements will have to be made for all concerned. Your sister is not the first on these boards to choose to have a child in less than ideal circumstances and she won't be the last. She needs love and support regarding her own personal circumstances, not guilt tripped about her grandma's, especially not with implications that she shouldn't be having this baby.

I'm not entirely sure what the problem is. It sounds as though your grandmother requires support, company and someone on hand, and maybe housework and meal prep rather than round the clock hands on care, so your sister could continue to fulfil that role with a baby, albeit with some extra bought in help if necessary such as a cleaner perhaps. Your grandmother may of course not consider it ideal to have a baby in the house (though this is an assumption. She may love it!) bit sadly when we reach the age where our independence is compromised, we can't always have exactly what we want. In her case, she will need to consider the least worst option from a baby in her home, living alone or a care home. What's not fair is to expect a young woman to restrict her own choices about pregnancy to give her grandmother her ideal scenario. If I were you I'd not meet trouble half way and I'd not say anything negative to your sister (unless you want a big fall and drama) as it won't help to scold and judge her. Wait and see what your GM thinks.

So what is the problem then?

Judging your sister for choosing to become pregnant with someone she’s known only a couple of months is at odds with your assertion that your family are really close and supportive of one another.

Did it occur to you that maybe she just really wants to have a baby? Or that maybe this relationship will last?

YABVU to expect your sister to live by standards you’d set for yourself. Just support your sister and get excited for a new niece or nephew. If she has to move out of your grandmothers house because your grandmother doesn’t want a baby living there, then you’ve already indicated you’d be happy to share the care burden going forward. So what’s the issue except shaming your sister for becoming pregnant early in a relationship or at a time you don’t think she should be pregnant??

The contempt you are referring to your sister and her current life choices in would say that our situations are more similar than you think. But what would you know? You're not the one giving up your life to care for a family member whilst openly not being allowed to have a partner/life then being called selfish for going against that demand.

Be honest, how much of this is worrying about your sister? And how much of it is worrying someone else in the family (you?) will have to pick up the slack looking after your GM when your sister has the baby?

She's 29, perfectly able to have a baby and look after it herself.
Don't judge what your GM will think before she knows.

Cross Post: I still think it's more about that.
Plenty of people have babies with people they only know a short time, or only know 1 night! Don't be so judgemental!

Carers allowance is a pathetic amount £83 a week !

www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

Your sister deserves to have a life too

Not many people would give up their life to help an elderly relative

Oh gosh, I've been in your sisters shoes and I really feel for her. I was duty bound to my DGP's because they took me in and took on the parent roll through my abusive childhood with my actual mum. In a warped way, they controlled many aspects of my life drumming into me that it was just because they cared. They, too, didn't like me having intimate relationships of my own and I have had many arguments with them when the forced me to choose being disowned by them or continuing a relationship with a man they didn't want me to see. This only happened to me, not my siblings or other family members, just me. But they were also always there every time I needed someone, which cemented my belief that I owed them. I cared for my DGM all through my pregnancy and afterwards until she died when my DD was 5 month old. I was a single mum and had absolutely no support myself but still had more responsibilities than 1 person should have had to handle and guess what, everyone in the family stood back and made it my job. I wont lie, when my DGM died I was heartbroken but I was also relieved that the stress of having to care for another human that i didnt choose to do on my own was reduced.

Leave your sister alone and pick up more slack, or atleast have some compassion here because she is ultimately making your life easier being burdened with all this. She is allowed her own life and to have children when she wants. Maybe she did plan the pregnancy, maybe she thought it was her only way out of the responsibility that has been shoved on her. YABVU here.

Your sister has been caring for your grandmother meaning you don’t have to, yet you think she’s selfish for also living her own life having a baby? Yes her circumstances aren’t ideal, but that’s none of your business. Why don’t get to have 2 kids but she doesn’t? Why does she feel she has to ‘sneak’ a boyfriend in, she’s an adult, she can sleep with whoever she wants! Sounds like you are just worried you might have to start doing more for your grandma so that your sister can have her own life. Your grandma might ask her to move out but then she’d still need care wouldn’t she? She has no right to be annoyed at your adult sister either. Why don’t you try supporting your sister rather than judging her, that’s what family is for.

The reality is that whether you and your other sibling can help out more with your grandmother or not, your pregnant sibling doesn't have to do all she does for your grandmother and rely on the other grandchildren as sitters if she wants to go on holiday or out ect. If it doesn't work out she can leave, get Universal credit and a flat or accommodation of some kind i sense that the present arrangement is convenient for other members of the family and you don't want it changed but being with a 93 year old all the time is not a great life for a young woman. I wouldn't do it , free rent or not. Its very sad that she has mo autonomy and has to 'sneak' her boyfriend in. Perhaps she wants a baby but has also done this to feel more in charge of her own life. This arrangement seems more convenient to others than to her. I think if you want it to continue you need to encourage a more equal arrangement with your grandmother and also acknowledge to your sister that, whether others can help out more or not, it's not your sister's job to keep the present arrangement going if she is snt happy in it.

congratulations to her, i am sure the grandmother will love to have a great grand child

Now she's expecting , you ( as a family ) will have to pull together and help more , yes you have children , but soon so will she .

I’m guessing that OP is worried grandma will leave the house to her live in granddaughter and great grand child.

Well if you’d be able to pitch in if that was the situation then why aren’t you doing more right now. You’d still have your two children then!
I think you need to mind your own business. Your sister’s life is ultimately, nothing to do with you.

So you have kids and can’t see why a 29yo woman wants one?

She’s giving you seven months notice of a change of circumstances. That’s literally the only difference. Talk about illogical.

Having been the person who was left to look after their grandmother, I feel sorry for your sister. She has to sneak around to have any kind of boyfriend because your grandmother wouldn't like it?! She's a grown up for goodness sake, she shouldn't have to sneak around at all.
I was 14 when I was left to deal with my grandmother- I loved her, but my God, I'd give anything for those teenage years to not have been filled with feeling guilty when I did go out.
Try showing some empathy for your sister. Your grandmother, if she wishes to still have her looking after her, is going to have to accept that your sister is going to have a baby.
Trying to make out that you help out occasionally just makes you look even worse to be honest. You're quite happy for your sister to do the bulk of the work and then you choose to judge her for her other decisions. Do you think you have a say in any other part of her life, I wonder.

And now your sister will have one child. These are not silly comments and your situation doesn't trump hers. The reality is that your sister probably won't be able to do as much caring for your grandmother, she might not even want to once she has a child of her own to consider. That will be her priority, not your grandmother. As a family, you will need to discuss and agree who will fill the gap, and if it can't be you because you are busy with your job and your own family, it might mean social care or care home.

You object to your sister being 'sneaky'. What if, hypothetically, your sister said "I've got a job and I'm going to be renting a flat with my boyfriend. I'm giving everyone two month's notice and after that I won't be Gran's full time carer anymore. We will all need to pitch in equally."
Would that be okay with you?

What so I say that her to get her to think about what she's doing.

Nothing. It's her life and her private business, same as you having two kids. It's her choice to not house herself and to have a kid.

Your sister is a grown adult and doesn’t need to ask for permission to fall pregnant even if it’s with a man she’s known for 6 months. It’s her life and she shouldn’t have to put it on hold or not have relationships just because she lives with your Grandmother.

If your Grandmother doesn’t like it your sister can move out. She isn’t serving a jail sentence and doesn’t have to be there.