To ask what for advice on becoming a grandparent

And your daughter may decide to give her baby a bit of chocolate on her 1st birthday. So I wouldn’t be throwing that memory in to discussions!

given you’re not close, she could just think that suddenly you’re trying to be close so you can be involved with your grandchild.

whereas focus more on her and your relationship with her….she won’t think that

yes but the point is…. Rather than focussing on your relationship with your daughter in terms of how you can support her re you grandchild, perhaps better to be reflecting on how you can work towards changing a “not bad” and “not close” relationship with your daughter, to a closer relationship.

and then focus on the grandchild element.

I became a grandmother 4 weeks ago through DSS and his lovely wife. We are close though and I see my partners son as my "biggest boy". I am very conscious of not treading on anyone's toes though with them and the wider family. We were the first to meet the baby (their choice) and they often ask for advice as they did during pregnancy. Things that have helped are ;

• being concerned about her rather than just the baby.
• telling her how well she's doing.
• supporting their choices.
• checking their boundaries rather than just doing things.
• offering help.

I've always been really careful not to overstep the mark with my DD and DSIL regarding my three grandbabies. My DD does ask my advice a fair bit and though I'm happy to give it, it's always with the disclaimer 'but you do what's best for you all'.
I would hate to be one of those nosy parker mums who gives her opinion when it's not needed, so I'm always careful. Of course, if I saw something that concerned me or I thought was wrong or dangerous, that would be a different story!

Also, offer to stay over to help or arrive early and take baby for a bit in the very early morning is mum can sleep

Do chores, if you're able to, and tell her what you'll do without her having to think of things.
My mum would just start doing washing, or bring me food, or notice the laundry basket is full and take it and wash and iron it for me without me having to even think or notice that it needs doing. So helpful!

You’ve had some good advice OP, congratulations! I’m a mum of two young kids and I would say sadly having them has pushed me away from my parents although I’m not sure they realise!

reasons for this include not supporting me in any meaningful way, never having taken either of my children overnight or changed a single nappy. No housework, food, etc. They are happy to be “Disney” grandparents and love playing with the kids, taking lots of pictures to look like doting grandparents from the outside but the reality is different from my POV.

the kids love them so I wouldn’t deny that relationship but I am resentful sometimes. They say and promise they will help in whatever way they can… but then when it comes to it it’s always on their terms or they put things off or put barriers in the way. Sometimes I don’t want to have to ask or beg for support.

so I would say be realistic about what support you’re actually able to provide and follow through with it, don’t make promises or say you’ll help and then don’t. Or if it’s too much for you when the baby arrives just say that.

Minefield.

Congratulations! As a mum of a toddler and a baby on the way the biggest thing you can do is respect their wishes. If they say don’t feed the baby chocolate or that the baby needs to sleep and to leave it alone, just listen and respect it. Even if you don’t agree, just be supportive of them and their wishes. They will be finding their own way once baby is here and speaking from experience there is nothing worse than people constantly interfering and giving unwanted opinions or just ignoring you all together because they think they know best.

We didn’t stay long at my parents for an over a year after our son was born, as we got so fed up of my family constantly overstimulating him when he needed to sleep. We were ultimately the ones that paid the price when we got home and had a very fussy and unsettled baby so we had to set a really clear boundary. My in laws on the other hand never put us in that position, if we said he needed to sleep they would leave him alone, even if it meant they didn’t get a cuddle that day. We went there a lot more often.

I became a Grandma just after Christmas, it’s the best, my relationship with my DD is so good. I always do what she asks, I don’t agree with some of the ways she does things but it’s her baby. I went to her house every day after work for the first 2 months and did her washing & ironing, and looked after the baby while DD & husband had a sleep. Granddaughter now 8 months old and I see her all the time and she’s gorgeous. I’ve made a point of always being a constant support hovering in the background. Granddaughter now has sleepovers in my house! I’m knackered after having her but it’s fun.

Support your daughter- even if you disagree

Don't be judgemental.

Only give advice if you are asked.

Please don't fall into the 'its a grandmas prerogative' mentality. And please respect what she asks of you no matter how 'silly' you might feel it is.

I asked my mum not feed anything to my new to weaning 6 months old when I wasn't in the room (purely because I'm very comfortable weaning with solids but she hasn't done the research to do it safely) Came back to find her feeding her croissant. 'oh it was just a bit, I'm the grandma can't I give my granddaughter a bit of food?'

Same with MIL brings us bags of plastic tat that we don't have room for on the house, even after we've said no more please 'well I'm the grandma, I have too!'

The fact that you're asking here tells me you'll be a brilliant grandma, congratulations

You also need to decide what and how much you want to/can give when the baby is born in terms of help. That can be quite tricky. Childcare is ruinously expensive and young couples are desperate for help. But retired parents might have other plans, or might want boundaries around how much they can/want to give of their time and energy.

But still… before focussing on your grandchild, I’d be focus on improving your relationship with your daughter from not bad

Congratulations! 🥰

It’s great you’re thinking ahead on how to approach becoming a grandparent.

My thoughts are:

Don’t give unsolicited advice. Only share your opinion if it’s asked.

Read up on safety and new advice on everything (weaning/baby-led weaning, breastfeeding/extended breastfeeding, bottle feeding, car seat safety/extended rear facing, babywearing/baby sling, safe sleep guidelines, parenting techniques/gentle parenting, birthing options…..) so that you have a wide range of information and you’re not close minded on one way… - Don’t just read parenting books by popular people…

Don’t make it all about the baby… always be there to see your daughter first, not the baby. Don’t offer to take the baby, offer to do the housework, cook meals for them in advance etc etc

Don’t insist on being told when they are going into labour, don’t expect to be at the birth, don’t expect to be in the home if a home birth or at the hospital, don’t expect to visit them in hospital, don’t expect to see the baby when they get home as soon as possible. Go by what they need and feel.

Don’t ask or expect to have the baby without the parents, not for a walk down the road or to the park, don’t ask for sleepovers etc etc They may ask you if you want to but if you ask it will put pressure and make them feel guilty if they don’t feel comfortable being seat from their little one.

I think those are the major thoughts.

I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and birth 😊

As the DD in this scenario:

You might find your relationship with your daughter becomes closer once baby is here. My mum has become my best friend since my DS arrived!

My biggest advice would be to find a balance. There is a line between caring and overbearing. Tell your DD you are proud of her, are here for her. Ask her how she is. Don’t make her feel like she’s just the incubator that is bringing your grandchild into the world. If you want to buy things for the baby, ask DD and her partner if there is anything they need. Don’t show up with bags of baby clothes (they might not be to their style) it is better to offer to buy the pram they’d like rather than lots of baby clothes. Let DD lead the way, if they want to tell you the gender, name, birth plans - great. If they don’t because they’re keeping it a secret - don’t sulk. We had a relative turn up their nose when we told them our DS name (quite a common name, nothing crazy or unique about it!) and it put us off telling them anything else.

Don’t be one of them crazy nans that demands to see the baby 10 mins after birth or he at the hospital.

Don’t be one of them nans who wants the baby to sleep over at 1 month old when mum doesn’t want to be apart from her baby.

If she asks for help or advice, give it. If she doesn’t, don’t put your nose in it. A lot of advice has changed. I used to roll my eyes at the feeding advice, sleep advice I used to get. Stop telling me to not hold my baby and stop telling me to buy cot bumpers!! No, my son doesn’t need to be in his snow suit in the car seat. It’s not safe.

Hope this helps, and congratulations on becoming a nanny xx

It seems a strange question for her partner to ask you. My daughter always knew she wanted to breastfeed which she did successfully three times so I never needed to answer that question.
But my answer would have been if you can I would recommend you breast feed. It's good for the baby and it is a lot easier than making bottles and taking them everywhere with you. But if you can't don't worry about it.
In general my advice would be not to offer advice unless it is asked for, accept that things may be done differently now to when your children were babies. Take an interest, be supportive etc. and if you are considering offering childcare don't underestimate how much older you are now than when your children were babies and how much hard work looking after a small baby is .