To ask what for advice on becoming a grandparent

When my grandson was on his way the hospital ran a one evening “ new grandparents “ evening. It was brilliant and gave everything that had changed since we’d had our children . Sleeping positions, weaning, tummy time etc. I think due to cut backs this is no longer run but they do do them on line. Apart from that never criticise their parenting and give advice only when asked. Good luck , being a grandparent is lots of fun and lots of love.

When my DD was in hospital I went to her house and filled her freezer with Bolognese, quiche, fish pies, cottage pies etc so after she got home if she was tired she could just pop as one thing in the oven. When she had second DC I stayed for 2 weeks and looked after toddler, did laundry and again filling freezer and taking toddler out each afternoon so she could have a bit of time with new baby alone and rest.

Best advice ever and in so many circumstances!

just be ready that you are wrong and that you always have been. So often women are furious at each other for being overlooked for no reason at all than a lack of awareness in the first place.

Congratulations, never grab the baby out of your daughters arms and always hand the baby back when she asks you to hand back. Ask if you can buy anything for the baby but let them choose.

Be there for her. Make her cups of tea, bring meals, tupperware, plastic plates. Offer to watch the baby while she sleeps. Offer to take the baby out for a walk. Never laugh at her for worrying about whether the baby is too hot, too cold, been sleeping too long, has a flat head. When I had my last baby I had an emergency c section and ny mum stayed with us and got up in the night with me to bring me painkillers, a drink, settle my daughter while I was changing my pad etc. Just be as kind and patient as you possibly can.

Things to avoid based on other mumsnet threads:

• having an opinion on the name other than its lovely
• calling the baby anything other than its name if you don't like the chosen name
• giving too many treats when the parents have asked you not to
• not following the routine that parents have set because you know better
• getting competitive over the other set of grandparents for time spent with the baby, number of visits with the baby etc. Each relationship is different
• expressing any preference for one particular gender unless already expressed by the parents
• not helping with practical things (housework, cooking) because you just want cuddles with the baby
• sharing any news about the pregnancy or birth unless you've been given express permission (eg putting something on Facebook)
• insisting on visiting the hospital / as soon as she has got home, without checking she is ready to see you. Saying you're excited and asking when you can visit, whilst making clear there is no pressure if she isn't feeling up to it, is fine
• referring to the baby as yours in any way
• insisting on a name that the child will call you
• insisting you'll have the baby overnight / on its own without the mum there, before the mum is ready to leave the baby. Offering to babysit (even whilst she is sleeping upstairs) is fine
• not following current advice eg on weaning or car seats on the basis that your kids were fine without doing that

That seems fine. It's totally up to her. I bottle fed my children and had to listen to my mother in law telling me how much he enjoyed breastfeeding. 😞 I really tried but couldn't produce enough milk and I truly believe the pressure contributed to my PND.

I would recommend looking up new safety advice (the Lullaby Trust) and NHS advice as it's changed a lot over the years. So things you might have done i.e feeding baby early, is now not recommended. Carseat advice and laws has changed. Things like them cot bumpers are not recommended (again look at the Lullaby Trust).
My MIL takes my children (4+1) to the library every Saturday morning (singing and doing arts and crafts) and honestly it's a god send. I get to shower and catch up on house work for them few hours. Just offering to take them the the park for an hour while I clean or cook really does help.

But please if she chooses to do something different don't take it personally.

I think that everyone has said all the advice I would give. What I would say is enjoy every minute you are with your new grandchild, the love you will feel for them is all encompassing. Your baby has one of her own, it’s amazing.
I only gave advice when asked and supported her completely. Our daughter and her husband are wonderful parents and their daughter is definitely the apple of my eye!

I can tell you some of the things I really appreciated from my mum as someone who had a baby 2 months ago:

1. she batch cooked me freezer meals. It was great. All I had to do was microwave and I’d have a lovely home cooked meal.
2. She brought me fresh fruit and veg to snack on so I didn’t have to go without when I couldn’t manage getting to the shop.
3. She walked my dog. I’m so grateful she looked after him when I wasn’t able to give him my full attention.
4. She never tried to take my baby from me, or even asked to hold her. She waited for me to offer.
5. She offered to drive me places.
6. She brought me little luxuries like hand cream and chocolate. Nothing extravagant, just stuff that was low on my priority list but nice to have.

Im sure there were others but these stand out.

This is great advice.

Don't lose the opportunity now to tell her that you are pleased for her and her partner and why, and that you think they'll make great parents and why.

Philippa Perry has written a couple of books I think would be useful in your situation.

And yes to tell her she’s doing great, both of them. We were so overwhelmed with our first - my mum and sister gave us a lot of reassurance. And obviously they’re the ones who got the most cuddles in the long run, as we wanted them around

Honestly, my mum supplied us with all the food. We came home from hospital to a takeaway brought for us (they then left), she came round with lots of fresh fruit and bits for smoothies, she’d make one up then potter about cleaning the house/tidying up/preparing something for dinner whilst I sat and drank and fed baby. Just being there to help us, rather than prioritise wanting cuddles etc meant the world. Everyone else was only interested in the baby, but my mum looked after us and I’ll never forget that!

Look up lulaby trust guidance.

This!

Its so upsetting when older people view modern parenting advise as either a critisism of their parenting or something to ignore as their kids survived. When its for safety.

Be supportive of what the parents are doing. Theres been lots of studies on safe sleep and weaning. They will raise a 2025 baby not a (for example) 1990s baby. Just like presumably didnt follow the 1950s parenting advise of your parents antinatal classes.

My advice would never offer up any advice unless asked, accept anything you did when bringing up your own kids is wrong and outdated with good humour. Smile and nod often. Most importantly enjoy every minute. Being a Grandma is the best thing ever.

Please don’t ever utter the phrase ‘In my day….’
Offer practical help like cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Tell her she’s doing great!

Keep your relationship as it is and working on whatever you work on. Let her give the cues and follow them… you should be good then.

There's some really good advice here!

I second not promising what you dont deliver on. My in laws were so excited to become grandparents but make no effort, barely ask after DC and never change nappies or help with domestic stuff, they just want to do all the fun stuff and it really upsets us both.

I also second not buying plastic tat and actually asking what GDC wants/needs. We dont have room for lots of stuff but get bought lots of tat that we dont have room for.

Dont sulk if you dont get what you want, respect their rules and boundaries.

And yes, ask after your daughter, see if she is OK. If you have a good relationship with her then you will have a good one with DGC.

I’m a grandma and it’s the best thing in the world so congratulation
I would say prioritise being a good mum / mil first then being a good grandparent.
Don’t compare your fellow grandparent friends experiences to yours just because “Susan’s” grandkids are always round at hers doesn’t mean yours should be the same, different parents make different decisions.
Their baby, their rules ( you can think what you like in your own head).
if you can afford to, offer to buy a big item or contribute money towards it ( the item of their choosing of course).
if they are going to be regular visitors to your house ask if it’s okay for you to get bits and pieces to keep at your house to save them having to transport loads of stuff back and forward. We always had a changing mat, a change of clothes and then as they aged bibs, dishes etc and a high chair then a cot and then a toddler bed as they grew older and stayed over, we also had appropriate car seats for our car as we were lucky enough to be able to take them on outings.

Best advice anyone gave me was ”Keep your mouth shut & your wallet open” !!

What were they like before you had children? Were you close? They initiated contact and visits regularly?

Just enjoy it. Don't buy baby things no matter how cute they are without consulting your DD first. Ask DD what baby needs or better still ask her to send you a link to a gift she would like for baby. For Xmas and birthdays I ask my DD what my SGC would like. Sometimes she'll send a link with a gift other times I'll buy them a entry pass for a park farm, Sealife Centre or a zoo. She takes them lots of times so they get good value from a season pass. Offer help you can realistically give eg one day care a week or you can care for baby only occasionally if they want a night out alone.

From my personal experience, don't promise what you can't deliver on!
Both my parents and in-laws promised us the world, were "so excited" to be GP's and really gave the impression that they'd be there for us.
Fast forward 7 years, we don't have any consistent support or contact from either side unless we initiate it. We weren't expecting childcare support, but thought they'd want to spend time and have relationships with our kids. But they really don't. They can go weeks without contact, never ask about the kids and it's up to us to visit them, where they just moan about the kids being "chaos" (theyre not, theyre just little kids).
And to be honest I think the promise that they'd be fantastic GP's and them not being, was a bigger disappointment than them just being aloof and disinterested from the off!