AIBU at how we were treated by my GD’s nursery?

My nursery used to charge £1 per min as well, didn't matter if we picked up at lunch (half day) or end of day, if your late your late, pretty standard. The same for graduation, none of the other nursery children were in attendance at the graduation when my DC were off to big school, the event was in another room so the children who were not graduating didn't see what was going on. Your GD wasn't graduating so I don't see why she should have been on stage, she will have her time next year when she's on route to big school.

I'd have filed a safeguarding report about the incident independently of the nursery. Your GD disclosed an issue to you that suggests the nursery does not provide adequate care. Secondly, it is of concern that this little bit did this. While he may be copying something he's seen — is it from an inappropriate film? Is he being forced by others to do it? This is also a huge safeguarding concern.

I would still file a Safeguarding Report with the local County Safeguarding Team. You can mention that the nursery have not taken appropriate action and seem more interested in keeping it quiet.

Fee is normal.
Graduation isn't normal when it's not her year to, despite going to another setting. That's a bit entitled.

Yes and most of them are bogus and destroy families who haven’t done anything wrong. OTT for what seems to have been a one off incident. Also too, no one seems to have factored in the way children tell stories about what has happened to them as well. They often sound worse than the reality.

This is a one off incident which you rightly flagged up to them. I would have done the same and expressed concerns and asked for it to be monitored. You both blew out of proportion though. Your friend is right - children do all sorts of things. They bite, they push, they kick and pinch. All sorts of unpleasant behaviours but which are nonetheless normal at this age as they’re learning to process what they see around them and to regulate their emotions.

Demanding they tell the parents and over a minor one off incident was OTT.

Sexual experimentation among young kids is generally a normal stage of development and nothing to worry about. I just looked it up and the tongue thing seems to be 'uncommon but normal': (Obviously unless there was force involved, although that could be difficult to gauge at that age.)
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/Pages/Sexual-Behaviors-Young-Children.aspx
Obviously boundary teaching should occur, but I do hope the poor young boy wasn't shamed for it which could lead to problems later.

Late fees are normal. However, the tongue in mouth incident is not. Appalling response from nursery. This needs to be investigated, not just for your GD but also for the other child. Where have they learned this? Has it been done to them? Children copy/repeat things that are done to them. A referral to social care should be made, above the nurseries head if need be. It is amazing but children from ‘nice’ homes get abused as well! If social care don’t think it hits criteria, then at least you logged incident. How would you feel if it comes out in years to come that this child had been abused? (I was designated safeguarding lead professional in a primary school for many years, so I do know what I’m talking about.)

It would have still messed about with the staff/child ratios and probably meant that the staff would have all been half an hour late for their lunch breaks. The expensive late fees are there as a deterrent - staff will usually waive it the first time if there is a genuine reason for the delay, but they do need the kids picked up on time

The next day she was told that the parents said they did not know why their son did what he did and that it wouldn’t happen again. No mention of social services!

Of course not. What if any further action anyone took was not your daughter's business and they would have been breaching their duty of confidentiality if they told her.

Pure entitlement to expect your grandaughter to graduate, its for older children starting School. Cheek to ask as well, to be honest you sound as though you expected preferential treatment.
I think the parents of the child who allegedly put his tongue down your grandaughters throat should have been told.
Also your daughter was late, the fine was reasonable it does not matter what time of day it was.
I think it's best your Grandaughter goes to another nursery, learn from this and lose the entitlement.

Always potential to be tricky when friendship is involved in a business transaction. I always keep the two separate.

No your gd should not have been part of the graduation.

Late fees are not unusual, regardless of whether it is at lunchtime. You should be apologising for being late and thanking them for dropping the charge.

Best for both parties your gd is moving as the relationship has deteriorated now.

1. the parents of the other child should have been informed and the incident looked into. If it a part of a bigger pattern than more should be done. They did not handle this very well.
2. your DD was late for her agreed pickup time. The fees for that are fairly standard across the industry.
3. Your Gd was not ‘graduating’ she was leaving, this is not the same thing and, I suspect, has only really become an issue for you GD because the adults in he life have made it one. A breezy explanation as to why she wasn’t ‘graduating’ and a ‘never mind, let’s get ice cream’ was all that was needed.

The incident, they shouldn't have told you anything about what happened next other than they spoke to the parents.

The late fees, graduation is normal.

The ignoring is a bit rude but sounds like you may have been OTT over a minor incident.

You have mixed up a whole bunch of different issues along with expecting special treatment for your grandchild in an environment where every child needs to be treated equally specially.

So that’s still late and would mean someone had to get paid overtime to cover. This sort of late fee is really standard. My nursery charged the same.

Graduation is… graduation. What an odd thing to think your granddaughter should do as she isn’t actually graduating. This is very strange.

the incident… who knows. Children aren’t super reliable witnesses and you shouldn’t know what other parents are being told. This isn’t even your child. You’re leaving anyway so there’s no problem.

Sounds like they deserve to be bashed?

I think the mistake you made was mixing a professional capacity with such a personal relationship. If I was your DD, I would be contacting the nursery managers to talk through issues not your friend that works there. It sounds like lines are being blurred due to your expectation that a close friend works their so may get your family some sort of leverage over others. It doesn't, instead it's complicated things and made it awkward for everyone.

Other than that i agree with PP's. The kissing/tongue incident definitely needed reporting to the parents or atleast kept an eye on. The late fee is normal and was actually valid from what you've said in your PP. The graduation is also solely for children moving to school, not other nurseries and is specifically a day for their achievements. Your DGD was right not to be included and that kind of shows my point about your family expecting favours within the nursery by your association to a staff member. YABU.

I just attended my first nursery graduation for my nephew and I have to say it was absolutely darling! All the kids seemed so mature and were clearly proud of themselves, it made my nephew feel really special getting to dress up and receive an award and now he’s even more excited for ‘big school’.

We never had them and it feels a bit American but it was really lovely.

The only thing they have done wrong here is treat your family differently after the incident with the boy.
They would not be allowed to tell you any details of what was said to parents or what was agreed afterwards.

Doesn't matter how sorry you are, 2 people have to stay at work late to look after a child when their parent is almost half an hour late, and someone needs to pay for that!

The first incident should have been dealt with by following proper safeguarding procedures.

The other two incidents; hefty late fees at standard at nurseries - staff overtime needs to be paid; and graduation is a special thing for the children leaving to start school, it's unreasonable to expect your GD to be included, she will have her chance next year.

You’re making this personal. It’s not about whether they are your friends.
Whenyour dd told them about the incident this should have been investigated however nursery should not be discussing any element of the situation with the boy and his family with your dd beyond a generic it’s being dealt with.

Being rude to you/your dd is extremely unprofessional. I’d have removed your dgc at that point.
The late fee sounds like a mistake
the graduation is for the children starting school, not the children leaving to attend another nursery. If they let you they will have to let everyone. Totally reasonable they said no.
Sounds like your dgc is better off for leaving

I think the kiss was taken out of proportion if I’m being honest and you can’t really demand how the nursery deals with it - but I understand why you wanted the other family spoken to. Social services most definitely shouldn’t have been involved (so it’s good they weren’t called).

Late fees are standard

She couldn’t graduate because she wasn’t leaving to go to school, you can’t twist the rules to suit yourself

That being said if they have been stand-offish with you and ignoring your GD etc then that is also very unprofessional

As above yabu except about the tongue incident