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Original poster

Am I wrong to feel upset

82 replies

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:06

I met my partner when I (20f) was 19 and he was 34. I have a 1 year old son from a previous relationship. We have been together a year and he has always made me feel like the most beautiful, special
person in the world and he treats my son very well which is obviously the most important thing to me. However he recently asked me to go to a three day event with him where we would have to camp. I was very excited as it would be out first time away together and I arranged for my mum to babysit. She’s very very close to my son so no worries there. A few days after he asked me I mentioned the trip to him and he denied ever asking me!! I was shocked and upset but wondered if I’d got it mistaken somehow. Anyway, he went and came back three days later with presents for me and we went out that night for a drink. While we were out we bumped into two girls that I know and turns out so does he. It came out in conversation that he’d met these girls at the event and helped them put up their tent etc. it’s worth noting that I have bad blood with one of these girls after she slept with an ex whilst I was with him and my partner knows this. I was really upset that he’d not mentioned it to me and I’ve got it in my head that he stopped me going to the event as he’d found out that the girls were going and was hoping to get off with one of them. He went with a friend which he’d already arranged when he asked me to go along with them. It’s eating me up thinking of him and his friend and these two girls at the event. I don’t think he slept with either of them but I can’t help thinking he went hoping to get off with them and came back to me as a poor substitute when nothing transpired. He won’t talk to me about it, just says he’s not talking to me about nonsense and it’s all in my head. I can be jealous so don’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. Thank you if you’ve read this long post. I’d love some advice. I’m feeling very worthless at the moment.

OP posts:
unsync · 23/07/2025 21:10

Time to move on.

Cucy · 23/07/2025 20:59

At 19 you can absolutely act your age and be a bit immature (as long as it doesn’t affect your child).

But you’re in a relationship with a 34yo who is lying to you and you’ve got issues with another 34yo.

That’s not normal.

You’ve also been in a relationship for the same length of time that your child has been born - that’s definitely not normal.

Barnbrack · 23/07/2025 20:58

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 20:49

I understand where you are coming from, I couldn’t think of another way to explain the relationship between the other woman and myself so bad blood was the phrase I used. In my defence I was quite upset typing the post. However I work, pay rent and all bills and everything I need for my son,. I also study, and ensure I spend lots of quality time with my boy, I don’t think that makes me immature. I don’t drink, go
clubbing, or spend money on drugs/cigarette. I put money aside for my son’s future and never leave him with anyone other than my mother. I don’t think that makes me immature either. Although maybe at 19 I’m allowed to be just a smidgen immature?

Show quote history

You are.
He's 35 he isnt

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2025 20:52

Come on op. Dump his lying ass

LittlleMy · 23/07/2025 20:52

Barnbrack · 23/07/2025 19:41

He's 35 an
d you're 19. That's already a massive red flag!
He knows your child after only a year, another massive red flag
Then there's the gaslighting etc.

Non of this is ok.

Agree. Any man of that age, heading towards his 40s let’s face it, who goes after a teenager is a huge red flag to me like what possibly could he think he has in common with her?! The only thing is the fact they are more easily controllable, challenge less and he has the upper hand in terms of experience, money etc. The dynamics are just wrong too unequal for the woman’s voice to be heard.

@Butterfliesarebeautiful Youre so very young and have your whole life ahead of you please don’t settle for this manipulative gasligher. You deserve and can do better - and closer to your own age range may be better.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 23/07/2025 20:50

He obviously must have asked you, otherwise how would you have known to ask your mum to babysit. It could be (generously) that he found out this girl was going and didn't want the drama, it sounds like you're very open about disliking her. Or it could be what you think. Either way he lied to you and is continuing to make out its all in your head. Also, the age thing is odd, a 34 yr old asking a 19 yr old out is a bit wild, you're still so young and you've your baby to think about. Ignore his past behaviour, its classic abuser territory to love bomb at the start before turning, and even if its not headed in that direction, it doesnt change this behaviour. Personally I'd get rid, focus on yourself, setting up you and your son for the future and ignore these girls, this man and tbh other men for a bit until you're more settled in your skin, youll find a better one.

ConcernedOfClapham · 23/07/2025 20:49

Advice?

ditch him, and focus on your child. Life’s too short for mindgames with a thirtysomething manchild when you’re barely out of your teens.

Original poster
Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 20:49

hmmimnotsurewhy · 23/07/2025 20:33

You have a very little child, young yourself and sound quite immature. You have ‘bad blood’ with a ‘girl’ too. What do you even see in someone with such a huge age gap.

I understand where you are coming from, I couldn’t think of another way to explain the relationship between the other woman and myself so bad blood was the phrase I used. In my defence I was quite upset typing the post. However I work, pay rent and all bills and everything I need for my son,. I also study, and ensure I spend lots of quality time with my boy, I don’t think that makes me immature. I don’t drink, go
clubbing, or spend money on drugs/cigarette. I put money aside for my son’s future and never leave him with anyone other than my mother. I don’t think that makes me immature either. Although maybe at 19 I’m allowed to be just a smidgen immature?

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 23/07/2025 20:46

Yanbu but you're focusing on the wrong thing. He has:

  • uninvited you from an event which is very rude
  • gaslight you rather than tell you the truth, which is abusive
  • dismissed you trying to talk about it, and doubled down on the gaslighting

Whatever his reasons were for this, whether he was trying to get off with another girl or not, is irrelevant, as there are no circumstances where all this behaviour is ok (even if his friend didn't want you there for example).

This plus the age gap is a huge red flag and I'd be re thinking the relationship. Yes not all age gap relationships are abusive but it's quite common for abusive men to have relationships with much younger women as they are less experienced in relationships and can be easier to manipulate, and they are less likely to spot red flags early

Anyonecanachieve · 23/07/2025 20:44

OneKhakiFish · 23/07/2025 17:13

I would be done, can't be bothered with mind games or gaslighting no matter how nice he's been in the past, 1 year in, you've no ties, don't waste your time.

This

Cucy · 23/07/2025 20:41

Also I’m 33 and have a 17yo, literally a couple years younger than you - there’s no way I’d have ‘bad blood’ with someone so young.

It all seems very immature and Jeremy Kyle.

Cucy · 23/07/2025 20:38

If you’ve been together a year and your child is a year old - you must have been pregnant or had a very young baby when you met him?

I assume as you had a baby you didn’t get to see him very often and so although you say you’ve been together a year, the actual official relationship has probably only been a couple of months.

If he 100% invited you (instead of just telling you about it), then I would end it, regardless of the issues with these other women.

Userengage · 23/07/2025 20:34

hmmimnotsurewhy · 23/07/2025 20:33

You have a very little child, young yourself and sound quite immature. You have ‘bad blood’ with a ‘girl’ too. What do you even see in someone with such a huge age gap.

All of this. Just finish with him already.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 23/07/2025 20:33

You have a very little child, young yourself and sound quite immature. You have ‘bad blood’ with a ‘girl’ too. What do you even see in someone with such a huge age gap.

chillibuns · 23/07/2025 20:28

Please don’t waste any more time this idiot. You are so young and literally have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t settle for this. You deserve so, so much better.

Doone22 · 23/07/2025 20:24

Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 17:24

I actually live with my son and my parents at the moment so no worries there. I just can’t believe that for a year he’s seemed perfect and now this, which is why I’m doubting myself

Show quote history

Making you mistrust your own sound judgement is standard text book behaviour of a gas lighter. Get out.

VeryStressedMum · 23/07/2025 20:17

Forget about these girls they have nothing to do with this. Your relationship was over the moment he lied and said he didn't tell you about the event and went off to it himself .

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 23/07/2025 20:15

You are very vulnerable in that you met this man, as a young mum in your late teens.
He’s already in his mid 30s.
He has shown a glimpse of kindness to you and your DC and is now treating you like shit.
And he is. If he were your age, I’d have some understanding of it. But he’s too old for you.
He basically has a young adoring girlfriend who is tied to a separate home and baby, and he gets to do what he wants when he wants.
You’ve been cheated on before, too.
If you were may daughter my advice would be this…
Leave this man and take a break from dating. You are vulnerable right now.
You need to have more friends your own age, build your own interests, have some fun and cherish your time with your child. Don’t waste your time on this or any other idiot.
You are worth more and you deserve better.

Lostworlds · 23/07/2025 20:10

The denying asking you is strange and would make me annoyed. Even if he had changed his mind then surely be honest with you and say plans have changed.

The fact that he’s refusing to talk about it and not just reassure you is also questionable.

If you’re not happy and don’t feel like you can trust him then end it.

Lurkingonmn · 23/07/2025 20:05

The age difference, the gaslighting, nah, come on. You know you deserve better.

Left · 23/07/2025 19:43

Ditch him.You deserve better!

Barnbrack · 23/07/2025 19:41

He's 35 an
d you're 19. That's already a massive red flag!
He knows your child after only a year, another massive red flag
Then there's the gaslighting etc.

Non of this is ok.

nomas · 23/07/2025 19:37

Even if he didn’t go to the event with the intention of getting off with another woman, the fact that he invited you and then denied inviting you is a huge red flag.

You sound like an intelligent woman, OP. Don’t sleepwalk into a relationship of emotional abuse and lies.

Original poster
Butterfliesarebeautiful · 23/07/2025 19:17

AffIt · 23/07/2025 19:12

Why does this man in his mid-30s know so many teenage girls?

To be fair the other women are his age, maybe I made it sound as if they weren’t by calling them girls sorry x

OP posts:
AffIt · 23/07/2025 19:12

Why does this man in his mid-30s know so many teenage girls?

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