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Original poster

To put my mental health first

212 replies

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:04

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 23/07/2025 17:08

Unfortunately you don’t really get a say, you can move out to accept this is what your mum wants to do in her own house. There’s not any other option.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/07/2025 17:07

You need to move out OP. It’s not your house, and not up to you who visits.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:06

May913 · 23/07/2025 16:59

Again you say it's just until you're a little more stable, but what are you doing to get more stable? When was the last time you were stable if you haven't left your room for years and years?

I'm not trying to be harsh but this is no life for anyone OP and you really need to seek help.

Edited
Show quote history

No, I don't think you're being harsh. I know my life isnt great and that makes it not great for the people around me. I've been in and out of therapy my whole life and I have had years where I have been stable and I have lived on my own. Like I said in my original post, my mother has been having her grandchildren on the same schedule for 9 years. This is the first time I have had difficulties with it.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 23/07/2025 17:05

It’s her house. You can’t control how she lives her life in her own home.
You need to get help with your issues and move out. In the meantime, do what you need to do to help yourself, but you can’t expect others to work around you.

Mylah · 23/07/2025 17:04

I empathise with your mental health but you cannot dictitate to your mum who she has and doesn't have in her own house.

You say you can't cope on your own? What support have you sought for your mental health and agrophobia?

What is also the long term plan for where you live? Your mum isn't going to be around forever and say God forbid she dropped dead tomorrow, what is your plans for where you live? Xx

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 17:03

Do you have good quality noise cancelling headphones?

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:02

May913 · 23/07/2025 16:55

You do need to put your mental health first, but you need to do that by getting all the help you can. You haven't left the house in years OP, and that is not ok, that is not a life.

You can't expect your mum to tip toe around your MH issues forever, you've been an adult for a long time and living at her house for years and years if not your whole life. Is she supposed to wait indefinitely for you to deal with your issues before she can have the children? That is unfair, and as things are currently going they could be grown up before it happens.

You need to get help OP, you need meds for anxiety if you're not already on then and you need help with your agoraphobia. You deserve a life and you mum deserves a life too.
.

I haven't been living with her all my life. I originally moved out when I was 14. I didn't move back home until I was in my late 20’s and she asked me to move back home as it would benefit both of us. She needed financial help and I needed help with my mental health. I would move out tomorrow if I could.

I'm in the middle of getting therapy for my issues.

OP posts:
Gemmawemma9 · 23/07/2025 17:01

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:53

I don't know if this makes a difference, probably not. But I pay half of the rent and I pay towards housekeeping. I'm not out here just living for free.

It makes no difference, I’m afraid. It isn’t your house and your mum is right, you can’t dictate to her who she has in her own home.
I appreciate that this isn’t ideal for you, but what have you don’t to try and improve your mental health? Have you sought support? This isn’t sustainable long term and it isn’t fair on your mum or other relatives.
The suggestion of self referring to social services from a PP is a good idea.

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 17:00

I can’t believe your mum looks after a six month baby for four nights a week at this age. She must be closed to having a breakdown herself with all this Childcare. Do you and any of your sisters help out at home?

ETA sorry you have answered some of this now

May913 · 23/07/2025 16:59

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:57

I guess maybe I wrote it wrong. I don't want her to stop having them at all. I love them all and have a really good relationship with them. I was just looking for her to maybe cut it down a little until I'm feeling more stable. I help her out a lot with them since she is in her 60s and both of my sisters work full time.

Show quote history

Again you say it's just until you're a little more stable, but what are you doing to get more stable? When was the last time you were stable if you haven't left your room for years and years?

I'm not trying to be harsh but this is no life for anyone OP and you really need to seek help.

Helpmeplease2025 · 23/07/2025 16:59

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:57

I guess maybe I wrote it wrong. I don't want her to stop having them at all. I love them all and have a really good relationship with them. I was just looking for her to maybe cut it down a little until I'm feeling more stable. I help her out a lot with them since she is in her 60s and both of my sisters work full time.

Show quote history

It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever been stable. Other people can’t put their lives on hold.

Wrapetywrap · 23/07/2025 16:58

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:53

I don't know if this makes a difference, probably not. But I pay half of the rent and I pay towards housekeeping. I'm not out here just living for free.

It's still not your home. You cannot dictate how often your mum can see her own grandchildren. This is not what 'putting your MH first' is about. If this arrangement isn't working for you, you need to move out.

Are you getting therapy? Are you actually doing anything to improve your situation?

May913 · 23/07/2025 16:58

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:41

I would love to move out. It just isnt possible right now with my current mental health situation.

Show quote history

It's not your current mental health situation though OP, you say it like it's just a recent thing she's not supporting you with. You haven't left the house in years and years. You need to concentrate on yourself and get the help you desperately need.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:57

NigellaWannabe1 · 23/07/2025 16:51

I also just noticed your title: “putting my mental health first”. That sounds entitled to me, because the implication is that it should be your choice to decide if the children spend time in your mum’s house or not. And obviously, it’s up to your mum only.

You can, however, decide to move out.

I guess maybe I wrote it wrong. I don't want her to stop having them at all. I love them all and have a really good relationship with them. I was just looking for her to maybe cut it down a little until I'm feeling more stable. I help her out a lot with them since she is in her 60s and both of my sisters work full time.

OP posts:
HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 16:55

You are essentially asking her to choose between her daughter and her grandchildren. I am not sure that is fair?

May913 · 23/07/2025 16:55

You do need to put your mental health first, but you need to do that by getting all the help you can. You haven't left the house in years OP, and that is not ok, that is not a life.

You can't expect your mum to tip toe around your MH issues forever, you've been an adult for a long time and living at her house for years and years if not your whole life. Is she supposed to wait indefinitely for you to deal with your issues before she can have the children? That is unfair, and as things are currently going they could be grown up before it happens.

You need to get help OP, you need meds for anxiety if you're not already on then and you need help with your agoraphobia. You deserve a life and you mum deserves a life too.
.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:53

I don't know if this makes a difference, probably not. But I pay half of the rent and I pay towards housekeeping. I'm not out here just living for free.

OP posts:
NigellaWannabe1 · 23/07/2025 16:51

I also just noticed your title: “putting my mental health first”. That sounds entitled to me, because the implication is that it should be your choice to decide if the children spend time in your mum’s house or not. And obviously, it’s up to your mum only.

You can, however, decide to move out.

NigellaWannabe1 · 23/07/2025 16:47

Can I say, OP, that it sounds like your mum has a lot on her plate with her three adult daughters living under her roof. Complaining to her about the children, who clearly bring her joy, is only making her life harder.

You can help by making a choice not to complain.

Mrsttcno1 · 23/07/2025 16:47

LaLaLandDreams · 23/07/2025 16:47

I would despair if I had a 30 something year old child living at home trying to dictate who came into my house.

This.

You can’t dictate guests in someone else’s home as an adult. It’s move out or shut up.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/07/2025 16:47

I agree with everyone else, I’m afraid - your mum is letting you live with her long beyond the time she might have expected that you would have moved out allowing both of you to live independently of each other. However, you have not been able to do that and therefore, you have at least to let her live in her own home as she chooses to.

What steps are you taking to tackle your mental health issues so that you can move towards living independently?

LaLaLandDreams · 23/07/2025 16:47

I would despair if I had a 30 something year old child living at home trying to dictate who came into my house.

Sh291 · 23/07/2025 16:46

I'm sorry you are struggling so badly with your mental health, that must be very difficult. I hope your getting the support and medication you need.

But kindly, you are a grown adult and your mum is free to have her grandchildren or anyone else for that matter over to her house. Your mums made it clear that it's her house, her rules, and be to be honest you've put her in a really difficult position. You are not a child any longer. Maybe you would prefer to live alone, why is that not possible? You need to put your mental health first in doing everything you can to get your own place I guess.

LBFseBrom · 23/07/2025 16:45

SeanMean · 23/07/2025 16:05

Her house, her rules.

The onus is on you to move out if you don’t like the current situation.

That.

I sympathise with you but it is your mother's home and she obviously likes having the grandchildren around.

You need some help.

Daisyvodka · 23/07/2025 16:45

What support are you getting currently, are you on any kind of plan to get you out of the house at the moment?

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