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AIBU?

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Original poster

To put my mental health first

212 replies

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:04

This is long and complicated but I really need some advice and to know whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm in my 30’s and still live at home due to severe mental health issues. I live with my mother and my younger sister and for the past year—my older sister too. I have agrophobia and I haven't left the house in a lot of years. I mostly stick to my bedroom.

For the past 9 years, my mother has been having her grandchildren every weekend. They're not her grandchildren by blood (this is the complicated bit) They’re the children of someone my mother adopted (unofficially) At first it was just the one (DGD) but now there is five of them (they're a blended family) DSGS (13) DGD (10) DSGS (10) DGD (3) and DGS (6M). She will have the two youngest from thus-monday and the oldest three Fri-Sun. The house is always very chaotic and that's something I struggle with.

Now, I adore all of the kids and I have a really good relationship with them. I call them my nephews and nieces and they call me Auntie. They love hanging out with me and I love spending time with them. However, they can be a handful, especially the two oldest. They fight constantly. DGD has explosive tantrums which include yelling, throwing things, and screaming/crying. This type of behaviour is something I really can't handle, it makes me anxious and I get overwhelmed and experience sensory overload. DGD is always in some kind of trouble. She has recently been being violent at school and sometimes shows aggression towards her siblings. As far as I know her parents are in the process of seeking help for her behaviour because its gotten to a point where they can't manage it either.

I have spoken to my mother and told her that having them here with all the chaos and the fighting and tantrums, is really affecting me mentally which in turn is taking a toll of my physical health. However, she says its her house and her choice to have them and I can't control who she has in her house. She says I'm being selfish by not wanting them here every week. She says she should be allowed to spend as much time with them as she wants. She will not budge on the matter

I honestly don't know what to. I'm at a real loss because I can't move out and even if I could, I don't think I would cope on my own. Now, I'm debating with myself on whether I am just being selfish and dramatic or if I really am entitled to some peace and quiet once in a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 18:01

HangingOver · 23/07/2025 17:55

Why are the parents leaving them with DM so much?

Show quote history

They can't cope with them all due to their own mental health and DGD’s (10) behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 18:00

NowYouSee · 23/07/2025 17:21

I had empathise Op as that’s a LOT of time at your house and being agoraphobic I can see it must feel overwhelming because you can’t escape it. and it must feel upsetting for your mother not to have significant regard to what you feel causes you distress.

Importantly though it doesn’t sound like you MH issues are short term so I can see why she doesn’t want to put anything on ice. I imagine she is having the kids to facilitate parents working so not consequence free to cut down or withdraw.

Given your mum won’t budge your options are from making the best of it (but perhaps being clear you’re not available to help her out with childcare going forward), finding ways to overcome the phobia so you can escape the noise and/or working up to moving out. I quite appreciate none of those are simple but I think that is the long and short of it.

I don't feel as if I can say that I'm not available to help as I fear she couldn't mange them all on her own and I would feel too guilty leaving her to do so. I feel bad about wanting to move out as I don't know how she will cope financially without my help but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm just doing everything I can to survive. I understand now it was wrong or me to ask her to pander to my mental health. I just really didn't see it as much of a big ask until now.

OP posts:
GeorgeA12 · 23/07/2025 17:58

Hi, try and focus on yourself. It is possible to overcome agoraphobia but take things gently. I read books by Claire Weeks which was really helpful for me.

HangingOver · 23/07/2025 17:55

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:40

I think she is but that is a whole different conversation that she won't entertain and I really don't want to fight with her over it. Their parents don't work so she is not having them for childcare reasons. We don't have much space in the garden. all of the childrens outside play things are out there so that's not really an option.

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Why are the parents leaving them with DM so much?

T1Dmom · 23/07/2025 17:53

Her house, her rules. You need to move out if cant manage. If you can help with what your mum needs & the kids etc then you can live independently your choosing not to.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:52

Ihopeyouhavent · 23/07/2025 17:47

Then its a case of "shut up and put up" unfortunately.

Not your house, not your rules.

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Yeah, I understand that now. I won't bother her again with it. I will just keep working to get my mental health stable and get my own place.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:50

BernardButlersBra · 23/07/2025 17:41

My mum frequently told me "my house, my rules" and this is the case here. To be honest if l my daughter long term started telling me how the house was / wasn't going to be then lm afraid l would openly laugh. Getting on the property ladder was a struggle (moved out a city, bought a wreck etc) and keeping it has been tricky (thanks Liz Truss!). I'm assuming you arent paying market rate for rent or bills? Your mum has housed you for years and is allowed to have it the way she wants. Maybe now is the time to move out if it doesn't suit. But finding total peace and quiet isn't easy

I pay half of the rent. Like its split down the middle and I also pay housekeeping (£150pm) I pay for streaming services aswell that the whole house uses and I help towards anything else she might need financial help with. We have a generally have a good relationship. This is the only difficulty we have.

OP posts:
Ihopeyouhavent · 23/07/2025 17:47

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 16:41

I would love to move out. It just isnt possible right now with my current mental health situation.

Show quote history

Then its a case of "shut up and put up" unfortunately.

Not your house, not your rules.

BernardButlersBra · 23/07/2025 17:41

My mum frequently told me "my house, my rules" and this is the case here. To be honest if l my daughter long term started telling me how the house was / wasn't going to be then lm afraid l would openly laugh. Getting on the property ladder was a struggle (moved out a city, bought a wreck etc) and keeping it has been tricky (thanks Liz Truss!). I'm assuming you arent paying market rate for rent or bills? Your mum has housed you for years and is allowed to have it the way she wants. Maybe now is the time to move out if it doesn't suit. But finding total peace and quiet isn't easy

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:40

Timeforaglassofwine · 23/07/2025 17:32

Actually seeing as you pay half of the rent you do have a say in what happens in the house. The needs of you and your mum are so different though, I really don't see a compromise. I feel for all of you, and I wonder if your mum is being taken advantage by having to care for so many little ones all the time. I know you can't leave the house as such, but would you be able (or afford) to have a little summer house in the garden that could be your safe space?

I think she is but that is a whole different conversation that she won't entertain and I really don't want to fight with her over it. Their parents don't work so she is not having them for childcare reasons. We don't have much space in the garden. all of the childrens outside play things are out there so that's not really an option.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:36

Cinaferna · 23/07/2025 17:25

You say you like them, in general. Why not take one of them out on their own with you each week for some one-to-one attention. They won't play up nearly as much if they are getting attention and there is no one to fight with. Take them to the park with a ball or frisbee and a little picnic, or to read some stories at the library, or just for a bus ride with a simple game of spotting things like a purple car and a man wearing a hat etc. Bring them home when they are tired out and ready to watch TV.

Or go out on your own for the day when they come over. Make plans to see a friend or run some errands or go for a long walk or swim or to read or journal in peace in the library or a cafe. Make sure what you plan to do is very soothing and easy so when you come home, even if they are a bit wild, you have had some restorative time alone.

I have agrophobia so I can't take them out but I do have them one-on-one. They will come and play playstation with me or we will read, listen to music, do a puzzle or do arts and crafts. I spent alot of time with them together and alone. They still fight.

OP posts:
Timeforaglassofwine · 23/07/2025 17:32

Actually seeing as you pay half of the rent you do have a say in what happens in the house. The needs of you and your mum are so different though, I really don't see a compromise. I feel for all of you, and I wonder if your mum is being taken advantage by having to care for so many little ones all the time. I know you can't leave the house as such, but would you be able (or afford) to have a little summer house in the garden that could be your safe space?

LBFseBrom · 23/07/2025 17:31

Cinaferna · 23/07/2025 17:25

You say you like them, in general. Why not take one of them out on their own with you each week for some one-to-one attention. They won't play up nearly as much if they are getting attention and there is no one to fight with. Take them to the park with a ball or frisbee and a little picnic, or to read some stories at the library, or just for a bus ride with a simple game of spotting things like a purple car and a man wearing a hat etc. Bring them home when they are tired out and ready to watch TV.

Or go out on your own for the day when they come over. Make plans to see a friend or run some errands or go for a long walk or swim or to read or journal in peace in the library or a cafe. Make sure what you plan to do is very soothing and easy so when you come home, even if they are a bit wild, you have had some restorative time alone.

Cinaferna, the op is agoraphobic. She does not go out.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:31

I just want to make it clear that I am working on being able to move out. I just know it will be a slow process. I originally moved back home because my mother asked me to. I originally moved out when I was 14 and lived on my own from 17 until my late 20s. My mother has never once asked me to move out as that would hurt her financially as not only does she have the children every weekend, she also pays for everything for them while they're here, clothes, shoes, food, baby milk, nappies, wipes etc out of her own pocket with help from us. We all help her take care of the children. I spend a lot of time with them when they're here and they love hanging out with me. I do not want her to choose between us. I had just asked if she could have them a little less while I'm struggling but I understand now that I was being selfish and my mental health is my own problem and she shouldn't have to pander to what I need. Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
AlliBallyBoo · 23/07/2025 17:30

I think you're being very naïve and unreasonable OP

And you're also probably putting a lot of stress on your mum

Her house, her rules.

You want your own rules then you need your own house

Cinaferna · 23/07/2025 17:25

You say you like them, in general. Why not take one of them out on their own with you each week for some one-to-one attention. They won't play up nearly as much if they are getting attention and there is no one to fight with. Take them to the park with a ball or frisbee and a little picnic, or to read some stories at the library, or just for a bus ride with a simple game of spotting things like a purple car and a man wearing a hat etc. Bring them home when they are tired out and ready to watch TV.

Or go out on your own for the day when they come over. Make plans to see a friend or run some errands or go for a long walk or swim or to read or journal in peace in the library or a cafe. Make sure what you plan to do is very soothing and easy so when you come home, even if they are a bit wild, you have had some restorative time alone.

LittlePineapple · 23/07/2025 17:24

Are you on higher rates of Pip? It could be that as this is long term that you could get help either with accommodation with support or finding accommodation. Have you spoken to CAB to see who is best to advise you?

Good luck with the therapy, and the meds. Does the consultant know it isn't overly working? Have they got a plan?

Mrsttcno1 · 23/07/2025 17:23

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:19

It really isnt like that. She wants us here to help financially. We all help with everything she needs and we all help with the children. We all pay rent and housekeeping.

Show quote history

The thing is OP if you were all equally helping each other then you would be capable of living independently.

NowYouSee · 23/07/2025 17:21

I had empathise Op as that’s a LOT of time at your house and being agoraphobic I can see it must feel overwhelming because you can’t escape it. and it must feel upsetting for your mother not to have significant regard to what you feel causes you distress.

Importantly though it doesn’t sound like you MH issues are short term so I can see why she doesn’t want to put anything on ice. I imagine she is having the kids to facilitate parents working so not consequence free to cut down or withdraw.

Given your mum won’t budge your options are from making the best of it (but perhaps being clear you’re not available to help her out with childcare going forward), finding ways to overcome the phobia so you can escape the noise and/or working up to moving out. I quite appreciate none of those are simple but I think that is the long and short of it.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:21

LittlePineapple · 23/07/2025 17:16

What current help or support are you accessing?

Can you go back to the Dr and get back into the system again?

You could look at assisted living homes perhaps if your disabilities are this severe.

I'm getting therapy for my anxiety, PTSD and agoraphobia. I'm also on meds.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:19

NigellaWannabe1 · 23/07/2025 16:47

Can I say, OP, that it sounds like your mum has a lot on her plate with her three adult daughters living under her roof. Complaining to her about the children, who clearly bring her joy, is only making her life harder.

You can help by making a choice not to complain.

It really isnt like that. She wants us here to help financially. We all help with everything she needs and we all help with the children. We all pay rent and housekeeping.

OP posts:
LittlePineapple · 23/07/2025 17:16

What current help or support are you accessing?

Can you go back to the Dr and get back into the system again?

You could look at assisted living homes perhaps if your disabilities are this severe.

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 17:16

LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:13

I have talked to her about this as well because I worry about her health too. She has authritis and COPD but she says she is fine and enjoys having them so I just keep quiet about it now. I really don't like to cause problems and I help with whatever she needs me to do.

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I wonder how long she will be able to keep this up. It sounds exhausting to me.

Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:13

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 17:00

I can’t believe your mum looks after a six month baby for four nights a week at this age. She must be closed to having a breakdown herself with all this Childcare. Do you and any of your sisters help out at home?

ETA sorry you have answered some of this now

Edited

I have talked to her about this as well because I worry about her health too. She has authritis and COPD but she says she is fine and enjoys having them so I just keep quiet about it now. I really don't like to cause problems and I help with whatever she needs me to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoserMonA · 23/07/2025 17:08

HurrayDuvet · 23/07/2025 16:55

You are essentially asking her to choose between her daughter and her grandchildren. I am not sure that is fair?

No, I would never do that. I love the kids and I love spending time with them. I'm just struggling right now.

OP posts:
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