To put my mental health first

I don't think that OP's mum sounds amazing at all. OP was only 14 when she left home. 14 year olds in a happy home don't do that.

Her mum couldn't afford to live in that house and wouldn't be able to look after all these children without the financial and practical support of her three daughters. If you had read OP's posts, you would see that she contributes more than 50% to the family finances, including rent and that she helps to care for all these unrelated children. The ones who are taking advantage are the parents of all these children, who don't work and don't pay for anything for their kids.

I think that OP should try and move out into sheltered/supported accommodation for her own well being.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard situation. I totally understand how exhausting the short term therapy merry go round must be. Building up a relationship over time and having someone who understands how your life came to where it is is key for progress as you correctly point out.

What stands out to me in all your posts and is something a long term therapist would certainly point out is that your mum has her own issues and is focused on doing the things she thinks are right for her (even if they are self sacrificing and generous in some ways).

Your only card is to offer to move out and mean it. You may find she respects your needs and your contribution to her house/life when you hold your own boundaries (appreciate the agorophobia and your traumas make this difficult to contemplate right now but really think about whether you will EVER be able to make progress with your MH in this living situation).

I don't think your worsening mental health is unconnected to this setup and honestly I think you are probably stronger than you will ever feel living with your mum. I'm not saying she's a 'bad person' whatever that means but she is NOT supporting you. Please seek that help wherever else you can.

If there is anywhere else you could afford to live and put the money you pay her now to private therapy, I feel sure you would see improvements.

It's not that you're not trying to help yourself but at the moment you're pouring water on yourself rather than fleeing the house on fire in my opinion. Getting out from this enmeshed situation with your mother is step number one. If moving is the only time you leave the house in the next ten years, your life would surely still be better. I can't see it getting better while you're stuck here. Take care, you're in a tough spot. X

Why don't your sisters who are both working full time also contribute to the rent? I think that your mum is actually taking advantage of you, as you contribute at least 50% towards the household costs and you help with all these children.

I do think you need to work with a therapist towards living independently again.

Why did you move out at the age of 14? Where did you go? Were there issues at home that have caused your mental health problems? Who is the person that your mum 'unofficially' adopted? Is that why you left home?

Everyone is taking your mum's side but I'm wondering if there is a lot more to this story. Your mum obviously needs her children living at home to support her financially and help with all these 'grandchildren'.

I'd prioritise adult social work asessment and working on moving out - supported accomodation perhaps? The current situation keeps you both stuck and she is unlikely to change it.

This is heartbreaking to read on so many levels - for you, for those kids, everything.

For me there is a clue in your posts - you’re paying half rent when your sisters don’t. Actively start to change that so you can free money up for private therapy. Actually, I’d go for private psychiatrist first and then therapy.

Youd quite quickly have the funds to do so if your full time working sisters were paying their way…

ps could one of your sisters advocate for you with the GP for a referral to community mental health services? I mean this kindly but the treatment you’ve been on / are on simply isn’t working - you deserve so much more.

Whilst I understand the replies saying it’s her mums house her rules etc, it doesn’t matter how old your children are you still (in my eyes) have a duty of care to them until the day you die. That’s being a mum. It’s sad that she can’t/wont see her own daughter’s struggles and try and help her. It sounds like she moved you in for self gain (financial help)

Perhaps get in touch with adult social services and try and get yourself moved out, OP. Sounds like a rubbish situation that’s detrimental to your health.

No it isn't unfair or unpleasant, it's the truth.
999 is for life threatening emergencies.
If the poster in question was that ill they needed 999 they would go. Clearly they haven't gone and yet they're still here, proof that a 999 call wasn't necessary.

Its the truth.

what an unpleasant and unfair comment

Well clearly calling 999 wasn't warranted, as you didn't call them and you're still here!

The current arrangements are not just impacting the OP's mental health but it must surely have a huge impact on the children as well.

No wonder the older two are throwing tantrums and being aggressive at home and school.

They are realising that their parents don't care about them. That they can't go back to school on a Monday and join in conversations about what they did with their parents over the weekend. The OP's mother is trying to support and care for them, but the children will be feeling that they are being abandoned every weekend by both parents.

So, either OP's mother takes over care of the DGC full time or the parents need to be made to engage with them most weekends. That will only happen when the OP's mother stops the current arrangement or reduces it. To do so, the OP and her sisters must stop helping their mother and financing the situation.

Only when it becomes too much to handle five grandchildren by herself every weekend and she can't afford it, will the OP's mother rethink the arrangements.

So OP, you must start the process now by saying NO more often to your mother and sick with it no matter how much she tries to guilt trip you. From the sounds of it she has been doing that most of your young and adult life so much. Resulting in you accepting anything she says, even it is unfair or detrimental to your finances. The money that you need to help get through your own problems.

I sympathise OP, I also have agoraphobia and I think there's a lot of stigma attached to it. People don't understand the sheer terror that leaving your safe space brings and I've had many people including medical professionals accuse me of just being lazy.

It's debilitating, I myself have even pulled out my own tooth as I simply cannot leave the house. I've had many instances where calling 999 is advised but I haven't because I know I cannot go outside.

I also have the same diagnosis as you accompanied by an extremely difficult childhood, followed by some very traumatic experiences and domestic violence.

It's good that you are taking medication and engaging in therapy. I have tried lots of different styles of therapy and have recently started something called compassionate based therapy which I have found much more helpful than cognitive behavioral therapy or general councilling. I live alone which I think is detrimental, so I would honestly advise staying at home with a support network whilst that's an option to you. Being alone all day every day will not do you any favours.

Do you have any hobbies? It may sound silly but I love colouring and I pop my headphones on, stick a series or podcast on and the hours fly by. This could be helpful when your feeling overwhelmed by the noise.

I don't think you can ask your mum not to have them there but I think if you are open and honest about the impact it's having on your mental health she may be more sympathy. Sorry if you've already done this but I know from my own experiences I usually minimize my own feelings and she may not realize what an impact it's having on you .

I would also suggest asking your GP if they have a social prescriber. They can help you integrate back into the world. It wasn't suitable for me but opened up some doors for further treatment.

Isn’t the biggest issue here that you never leave the house due to agrophobia.. could you get some help with that

There's so many people being taken advantage of/mistreated in this family set up. It's so disfunctional that I'm not surprised you're struggling.

Your mum is taking advantage of certainly you and potentially your sisters as well. Her house must be huge to accommodate so many people for more than half the week - 5 bedrooms? 6?! She can only afford that because you pay half the rent. It's possible she pays nothing if your sisters also pay towards the rent. You would be able to afford your private therapy and move towards better mental health if you had a 2 or 3 bedroom house for just her, you and your younger sister who has always been there.

Your sisters may well be taking advantage of you if they pay either no rent, a small share or, at most, a 25% share. Unless they are also paying 50% and your mum is making a huge profit. Especially as they work, they should be paying the same amount as you. If they did, you could pay for private therapy.

Your adoptive sister and her partner are taking advantage of your mum so badly. How dare they put so much childcare on her? It's ridiculous, especially as it's not necessary for them (ie they don't work) and it negatively impacts other (paying) residents of the house. And to expect your mum to pay for everything is breathtaking. That might be why she has to lean on you (and maybe your siblings) so much financially which is then stopping you helping yourself with therapy.

The 5 children are being treated badly too. They don't have a stable home and the younger two in particular shouldn't be away from their parents on a regular basis.

There's so much wrong with your situation, OP but none of it is you. You are doing your best and were not unreasonable to ask for a bit of consideration in your home (it is your home too - financially and emotionally).

How much rent do you pay? You’re getting a min £900/£1200 per month in benefits, even more if you’re receiving higher rate in either of the PIP components.

It’s sad you have to pay but it makes sense. Support on the nhs is so hard to get.

You must be receiving the health element ( or LCWRA ) otherwise the job centre would be making you look for work. Monthly basic UC is £400, health element/LCWRA is another £400 and PIP will be £295 if you just recieve the lowest care component £100 for mobility lowest.

Hi OP.

From your first post, I thought you were being unreasonable to ask you mother not to look after her DGC every weekend.

However after reading all your responses I have totally changed my mind.

You haven't said who the person was that caused you to leave home, but was it your friend that your mother took in? Did your mother then spend all her energy trying to support her at the expense of her own children, especially you?

Now that child is an adult who has continued to be dysfunctional adding children to the mix?

Your mother then continues to prioritise her through her through the DGC?

Did your mother ask you to return home primarily to help with the expense of running her home and providing for the DGC rather than to support you with your mental health?

Even if I am way off the mark, you need to stop enabling your mother. If she wants to look after her DGC, she needs to do so using her own finances and not taking from you in terms of finances and emotional energy etc when you need to concentrate on your poor mental health and in trying to overcome your agoraphobia.

Your mother isn't helping you, so don't help her so much with the DGC and reduce the money you give her, unilaterally. Divide all costs including rent by 4 (the adults in the house) and give her a fourth of that amount. What is she going to do to you? Turf you out? I don't think so. She needs your money and your childcare skills. Just give her less and use the extra money you have on yourself.

As others have said, approach social services for yourself, your mother and the DGC. At least your mother should be getting outsude support with the DGC, if the parents can't be bothered to look after their own children.

Good luck OP.

As a first step to making change I would drop down your rent contribution to 25%. This will give you enough extra money to pay for a private therapist.

Is there any social worker involved?

There is usually a central phone number where you could access early help for the children if the family situation is difficult.

Or for yourself and your mother it might be worth contacting adult social services for help.

Goady james.

@LoserMonA I'm sorry if you've answered but have you tried exposure therapy to get outside again? Agoraphobia is awful, you have my sympathy.

I’m severely agoraphobic too. I only leave the house for MH appointments. So I understand how hard it is. I’m very reliant on my family, I cannot pop out for milk for example if we run out.
Are you under your local community mental health team? They would be able to coordinate therapies and provide access to a psychiatrist.
Also do you get PIP?

How are you earning this money if you don’t leave the house?