To not meet my daughter's waster, manipulative boyfriend

We had similar with my daughter. Got pregnant very quickly with an absolute waste of space. He's 28, never had a job, spends his dole on drugs, sells drugs for family, fond of stealing whatever he comes across. Her being 21 when they started dating was young and nieve for her age, first real boyfriend and she thought the sun shined out of his arse. 3 years later she finally seen the light and dumped him. After years of us pointing out how useless he was. She lives with us and always has done. She paid for absolutely everything, days out, food for his house, his electricity, lent him money which she never got back, everything the child needs (we helped out a lot at the start with big ticket items, now i buy gc what i want not what she needs), she has a good part time job but was always smashed cause he'd always be begging her for money. They were out to dinner with friends and she realised she was the one paying for the 2 of them once again and copped that is was so wrong and had been going on for too long.

A month later she is in a much better place, has enough money that she's actually saving, buys gc and herself whatever she wants, always has money to go out with friends and their children (he never liked her going out without him)and just seems so much happier now than I've seen her in a while. He has zero interest in seeing the child, which proved to her the relationship was only about what he could get out of her.

It doesn't matter what you say to your daughter, she needs to see it and realise it for herself. I would probably meet him just so you dont push your daughter away. Hope she sees the light soon xx

I have choose to give her money as it's always for things like petrol and necessities for work

What if you had no money to give her…

Actions have consequences. She is old enough to understand this.

I'd meet him and hide how much I disliked him. Keep your enemies close is good advice.

What a sorry state of affairs when users gaslight parents into thinking this is OK to see their children waste their lives away and being manipulated and all they should do is smile and wave.

Imo he will be basking in having made a rift with your dd and her family..

We lasted almost 4 years together and it was a drip feed of light bulb moments that led me to having my eyes wide opened in the end. Unfortunately by that point in my case, it has started to turn more abusive. I wont lie there was a period of time after this that I left and then went back again, mainly because by that point I had a warped belief that he was the only person who actually saw me for who i was (an adult with my own mind) and understood the mental torture i was now battling with. Everyone else was in the "i told you so stage" trying to wrap me in cotton wool like a child. My grandparents were the only solid and supportive neutral party throughout it all and in the end, when I was ready they helped me leave for good.

It may be worth adding that when I met him I was in an extremely vulnerable position which made it easier for him to slowly manipulate both my beliefs and position in the relationship. Most people ignored my struggles at that time, i was incredibly lonely and an outsider, yet still to this day some people (particularly old friends and people from school) who were around then still label me as "the damaged girl who chose her own trauma."

I would definitely meet him , also be really nice to him. You need to keep him close to see what's actually going on

I has one of those waster boyfriends.
my parents refused to meet him.
so I chose him and didn’t see my parents in over a year.

You need to meet him and be as nice as ninepins to him. Sympathetic. Decent. Respectful.
Even if you fucking hate him.

Because that’s the only way your daughter will listen to anything you say. Otherwise she will blot out you saying anything against him.

Far better to have her ear to say
” jimmys a nice person who’s struggling with his mental health, which is a shame”
Then when you say “he really needs to be engaging with the medical profession to get antidepressants as he deserves to be happy like we all do.” she may trot that out to him. And make him go. Which benefits her.

Shes more likely to come to you when she’s low if you’re sympathetic. He may in due time make her feel that way.

If she thinks you’ll be all “I told you so” she won’t. And you need to be there when she needs you. Which we all know she will when she sees the light that he’s an arse.

Don't think of it as condoning. Think of it as holding him accountable. Kill him with kindness but show you have your daughter’s back no matter what. Offer to help him look for jobs where you work, offer to babysit so he can take her out, talk about marriage plans in a jokey way (Do I need to buy a hat for when you two lovebirds get married?). Do not, under any circumstances, offer money or loans, but lull him into a false sense of security that you like and trust him. You might get lucky and scare him off, or she might see what a useless dick he is if you’re lucky.

But if you're paying her money every month, isn't it you that's keeping the waster man?

Gosh this is awful for you OP. I would dig very, very deep & plaster a smile on your face & meet him. You are more of a thorn in his side if you are present & around for your daughter. Keep regular contact, including him so your daughter does not feel ashamed when she needs your support to separate from him. She will come to her senses, sending you lot's of mum strength 💪

No, I would not meet him as you find it extremely difficult if not impossible to hide your true feelings. It is highly unlikely that such a meeting would end well and you don’t want to create drama.

I would take a huge step back whilst keeping the door open.

And stop giving her money. She has to learn that actions have consequences.

Also not sure if therapy is something that a. She has ever shown an interest in and b. you could fund, as that might be a way she can work through why she is enabling this behaviour and allowing her to be taken advantage of.

Do you know her friends well? Would it be worth talking to them about your concerns and seeing if they could talk to her?

I would meet him and stay very calm. It was seeing my xh with my family and friends (the few times he would agree to see them) that gradually made me click that we wanted completely different things.

He sounds absolutely disgusting. I'm very sorry for you that he has wormed his way into your daughter's affections and stuck his claws in. I would want to see him face to face regularly, so he knows that she has parents who love and will continue to support her when he has slithered away.

I would grit your teeth, smile and meet him. Keep all lines of communication wuth your daughter open. She'll need you at some point.

I did this with my daughter and picked up the pieces when she wised up.

I moved in with with a waster alcoholic older man in my early 20s. It took me a few years to see the light. My parents never met hin either.
Hold your ground with not meeting him. Don't push her away or give her ultimatums. Make suggestions and if funds allow it, pay for her to go travelling or on holidays with the girls away from him.
The final straw from me was when he crashed my car when drunk. This was three years into the relationship. I couldnt get rid of him. I had to leave and do a summer abroad working in a bar to finally break the spell.
I then hated him for years and he died last year, I found out. And I am finally at peace.

I agree with pps who say it will be best to meet him and be nothing but polite and pleasant to him. It will no be easy, but refusing to see him or telling him what you think of him will make it easier for him to persuade your DD that it's the 2 of them against the world/play the victim etc. If you can be around them it will make it much easier for her to come to you for help when she finally sees what he really is. She may even ask you for advice when she starts to see, and if you have spent time with them you will be in a better position to guide her to seeing what she need to do.

As for the £1,000 owed to his parents, they probably genuinely believe that this was money to help your DD out when she needed it and nothing to do with your DD. I have a family member who was very much like this man and he would occasionally ask his family for help with one-off expenses (eg a new washing machine, car repairs etc). When his GF eventually kicked him out they were convinced that she had taken advantage of him and should pay him back for the things they'd funded for the house. In reality he had been living there rent free and without contributing anything to bills/food on a regular basis, which was why she had no money to pay for repairs etc herself.

Your daughter is going to find it much more difficult to break up with him if she thinks she's going to get an 'I told you so' from you rather than a 'oh that's a shame hope you're OK'.

Definitely grit your teeth, keep a stress ball in your pocket to squeeze, keep visits short so you don't snap, and meet him and be pleasant

Ask probing questions that don't sound like you're getting at him, like 'that's such a shame about his mental health, what have the doctors told him to try that is likely to help' instead of 'why is he not trying to help himself with these supposed mental health issues'.

Also encourage her to do anything she can to build up her self esteem, see friends, take up hobbies etc.

The 1000 was a loan from his parents because she had unpaid bills when she left the last flat.

So your daughter does owe his parents £1000.
You have stated that his parents convinced her she owes it.
She does.

My friends think that we should meet him to question him and make him squirm.

Umm, he's not going to squirm.
You or you friends really have rather an inflated view of the influence you have over others.
He won't care what you say to him and neither does your daughter.

She was 17 when she met him. She must have still been living at home. How lonely could she have been?

I do understand what everyone is saying about trying to keep her close, but you do also need to sit down and ask her for an open discussion and go through all the red flags over his behaviour and open a conversation about what she wants her life to be. This conversation should have happened before she moved away from home.

Why did she have to borrow the £1000 from his parents? Did she ask you for help?

I personally wouldn't meet him. It will either be disastrous because you won't be able to hold back and DD may end up defending him, or it will be 'ok' and him coming round will become the norm and it will feel like tacit approval. If I were you I'd continue to keep a separation between DDs life with him and her other relationship with you, as she is with her friends. The seperation of different areas of her life makes it easier for her to see a life away from him as possible and not such a huge change.

Meanwhile, when you see DD, don't mention him, but do do everything in your power to show her she is loved and valued. Praise her achievements and build her up about other areas of her life outside of him. The contrast between the respect you show her and him may help her see the light. Building her confidence may help her realise she is worth more.